Bonnie, sending lots of love ur way.

Marilyn, you are one of the strongest persons and with a huge heart... if you give up, it is admitting that you don't want to be an architect of the future by helping the lives of those near and dear to you and indirectly helping so many others Do you for a minute think that God is a cruel prankster sitting somewhere in the heavens and showing us his immense power so that we all cringe and cry and beg ? I think we had enormous love given to us , for what can be more unconditional a love than a mother's?I think our love does reach the ones we loved so well.Trusting in that, I think we must strive to connect through happiness and joy and not pain.So many will want to zonk me on the head... i want to zonk me on my own head very often, but please please don't in any way let ur wonderful children down and do something in an impulse which will be a deliberate making of a wasteland for others on this planet who love and live or are with you.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO EACH AND EVERY DAD! 

Dear Marilyn, you are so raw right now. I am so sorry I know your hurt. I just looked through your pictures which is something I don't normally do, because it's so hard. I read your post and was worried so I went to your profile. Sweet lady, you should give yourself a break. It sounds like all those feeling are  swirling around in your head. I still have that feeling too once in a while. It can become consuming. It did slow down for me after awhile, and I pray it will for you too. It sometimes feels like the grief wants to control me, and sometimes it does, but now I'm better at fighting it. Your hurt is so new and so deep. I try to think of it this way. Maybe if I learn what I can when I can, maybe I could help someone else who doesn't get a choice but to deal with it like all of us. I've been doing this for 15 years now and I still have my times when I just fall apart. I have pictures of my 4 children on my wall in the hallway. Sometimes I have to run by it to get to my room cause I know if I stop and look I'm going to remember and cry. Most days I don't pay attention because I never know how its going to hit me, and then there's the times when I walk  by and I stop and look, and dream, and hope, and then I cry! I guess my point is, please don't do anything you cant change tomorrow. It's ok to feel, but never to act, and I know cause those words have kept me alive for 15 years and the loss of another son. Vent my friend Vent! We all understand here, so let it all hang out! I wish you peace if only for a moment.

Lorraine, I don't mean this in a bad way but I am pleased to see you here.  You may not believe me, but I have been thinking of you (and Sy) and hoping that you were doing okay.  Seems like quite awhile since you've posted.

We get so caught up in getting through each day that sometimes we don't notice when some is not around right away.  

The time just keeps passing by and I often wonder where it has gone because I (we) are still caught up in this life of grief now.  I was surprised when you said 5 years, but I am also surprised that it will be 3 years next month for me.  I don't feel the passing of time, it just does, and I just exist with a few breaks of normalcy here and there.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you and Sy weren't forgotten.  I do keep everyone in my prayers.

I am trying to get back a little peace for a bit. This past weekend was torture. Maybe the worst since our son left us. Crying for days and fighting back the tears - exhausting. His birthday was the 14th, mine the 16th, and Father's day all together.
We use to celebrate that weekend. Our family would all get together and go out for a big dinner and have a great time. Yesterday, my daughter wanted to take me and her dad out for dinner and at first I said no, but not to be the "party pooper" I finally agreed. As we were getting into the car my little granddaughter Gianna came with her gift and cards for me and PopPop. Dinner cancelled and we ordered take out instead. So relieved that we didn't go. I don't believe in coincidences. My daughter even commented something about us not meant to go.
Today I felt some of the weight lifted from me from this past week and I'm so grateful for these times when I don't feel so weighted down with sadness.
For those of you that are just starting this journey, the first year is a learning process with lots of testing, but eventually you will have times of relief, even if it is short lived. Keep going. You can make it. Besides sensing your pain , I also sense your strength.

I read a quote sometime in the last 2 weeks and have been wanting to post it. I think Norman Wright wrote it, but what it speaks of I feel we find it here where we all understand and do not judge.
“A bereaved person, no matter what his or her age, needs safe places, safe people, and safe situations.”

This from Howard Thurman is my feelings for all of you.
I share with you the agony of your grief, the anguish of your heart finds echo in my own. I know I cannot enter all you feel nor bear with you the burden of your pain; I can but offer what my love does give: The strength of caring, the warmth of one who seeks to understand the silent storm-swept barrenness of so great a loss. This do I in quiet ways, that on your lonely path you may not walk alone.

Be blessed. I pray this week will be kinder and gentler to all.      ♥

Feeling overwhelmed with distress today. It started this morning when I got a Facebook notification that my formerly best friend had changed her profile picture. Seeing her smiling face didn't jive with the e-mail I got from her ending our friendship because I expressed hurt that she didn't come to my son's funeral or memorial mass. Then got sad thinking of significant unfinished business with my son that will never get taken care of. Piled on that was my frustration that my daughter-in-law seems to want nothing to do with my family since Chris died, so that is another loss. And on and on with other stress. I just wanted to run away from it all. My stomach is taking the brunt of my upsetting feelings.

Yes Adrianne we have all ended up in the same place but with different lengths of time. We must believe the messages we read that say we will get better. We will get to a place where our bodies can "handle" the grief. We must look after ourselves now or we won"t make it. Be kind to yourself as well as others. I wish you all only the best.

The sadness that is 24-7 has greatly affected my health, I went to greif counciling for a year and have a wonderful big sister that has been my life saver. Some days I think i'm ok but I cry every night in my sleep 2 years after Gabes death, i dream of him almost every nite and they are happy dreams of his childhood but I always wake up moaning out loud and crying 

Love to u all here .. the lord is omniscient and omnipotent-- please trust that--not saying it as some religious crap but saying it because i firmly know it..how? because with all the severe trials one goes through, it still doesn't take away the love from our equations--the love we feel for those not here with us just wont go away-- so i know that the most important thing now is to reach out and  give, give, give till it hurts-- so that we fill our life with ties of love and nothing else.Hope I'm understood.

This sucks! I live across the street from a church. The church where the little 10 year old boy is being buried from. I want to run. You would think that after all this time I wouldn't react to these things. It just goes to show that time doesn't heal all wounds. Every time I turn around it seems there it is. I'm ok, I just don't like it in front of me. No matter what I do flashbacks happen. It leaves me with sadness and confusion. This will pass, but I sure don't like it. I think I should find somewhere else to go.

Marilyn I understand how hard it is to go out.  Those first many trips out after take a huge amount of energy because even if we do not run into anyone who wants to offer condolences, we worry ourselves sick that we will!  Breathing seems to take all the energy we have, there is none left over for all that other stuff. 

As for how to honor your son, you need to talk with your husband and other children and come up with a plan.  My husband was cremated in July 2011.  We had a celebration of life within 2 weeks for all his many friends and work contacts.  But it is now, this July 1st that we will have the most meaningful tribute.  We thought long and hard about what to do with his ashes, how to honor his wishes and our needs, and now we will carry it out.  It will just be a few of the people who knew Tom for who he really was, husband, father, brother, grandfather, best friend.  We will hike to a place from which we can see out over our town, forests he fought to keep green, a lake he loved: our home.  And we will scatter his ashes there, where we can go back time and time again and remember the person he was. 

You too will in time find a way to honor son.  We all do.  Great big hugs of understanding. 

Marilyn - I know it is just hard to live without our children. To do anything. I understand all of your feelings. It is so tough to speak about your child when people just don't get it. It makes me feel like they are diminishing the greatest of all losses. I am sorry for your rough day

Anna what you are doing with your husband's ashes is wonderful. I have also lost 2 children in the womb 16 years ago. One was over 5 months and the pregnancy was so far along that they had to deliver the baby. When they asked me about if we wanted to have a funeral I could not even fathom it at the time I was so grief stricken. Especially since so many people don't consider a miscarriage losing a child. All I ever heard was how it was meant to be, there must have been something wrong. Move on. have more kids. Blah blah blah. That loss devastated me and I was never able to conceive again. It was my 2nd miscarriage after I had my son. My Daniel grew up an only child which I felt guilty about. And now I have lost him too. At least he has 2 sisters in heaven! Anyway, I spread the ashes of my baby on the hillside where we can look up and see her growing into beautiful trees, flowing along a mountain stream. I look to those mountains everyday and feel her spirit. We are struggling however with what to do about Daniel's ashes. I still have them in his room and has a very special urn made by one of his favorite glass artists. The urn turned out too small and my husband wants to keep the ashes together for now so I am trying to figure out how to handle it. Everyone must do this in their own time and when the time is right you will know what to do just like you did Anna. And you will also Marilyn. You will find that the love of others as well as your son's spirit will help you get through a memorial of whatever you choose and your child deserves the recognition whenever you are up to it.  We also did a tree planting at his school which is close to our house for Daniel and that was a beautiful way to honor and share his life without a stressful ceremony, etc. No speeches just thanked everyone for coming and we painted small rocks with messages to place around the tree and played his favorite music in the background.  I am a singer and was able to sing a spiritual for him with my trio which was difficult but I knew he would appreciate and hear it. There was healing in the fact that his spirit was being shared on that day by all those who loved him. I nurture that tree as if it were my child too. It is a blossoming cherry that blooms around his birthday and drops it's leaves around the time of his death. So you can find one that has significance to you or your son. Think about it. You are not alone in this struggle. love to everyone.

Mary, I'm sorry that this new information has added to your pain. I also "hear" the pain you feel for your daughter-in-law and granddaughter. It's a lot to have to bear.

May there be peace on earth, in the heavens and in the space. May there be peace in the waters, plants, forests and the elements. May there be peace toward all life forms. May there be peace in food and nutrients. May there be knowledge for peace to humanity. May there be peace of Absolute Brahman and the gods. May there be peace in the world. May there be peace, only peace. May that peace be with me!
 an Indian prayer from the Yajur Veda...

and may the peace permeate all of you here and to those who suffer the horrific.

Mary, praying for you and everyone else who's having an especially difficult day today.

We have all felt this way at one time or another. I still get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach even today. Yesterday I went to the drug store and the lady behind the counter spoke to me about the little boy that was from the neighbor hood that was killed last week. She then proceeded to tell me how she always remember the day my little boy died. What do you do? I don't like to be rude, and they all expect me to be over it by now. Well guess what? I'm not. I never will be. It's part of what we have to live with. Sure I deal with it, and I live with it every day, but i'm pretty sure that it will never go away. The good thing is most of time I get through these sorts of things, and I feel better about my self because I held my cool and politely said good bye! It may not seem like much to those who haven't walked in my shoes, but to me it's a big deal! So don't get discouraged. Some days we can take it and some days we cant. That's just the way it's going to be whether we like it or not. A person does get better at it as time goes by, but people cant expect us to be able to hold it all in all the time. If they cant handle it well then you know that those are not the people you want to be around when your blue. Over the years I have learned who I can go to in a good mood and who to stay away from when i'm feeling terrible. Sad to say that there are only 2 people I can go to when the pain and sadness come upon me and one of those I have to pay to listen! I still have a ache in my stomach over the little boy who was killed last week. This was the first accident where  a child was killed since my little boy 15 years ago. Flashbacks suck, but I think God helps me get past it. I don't always listen, but when I do it's always a good thing!. Hugs to all of you!

Three months ago today my son passed away. How can it seem both like yesterday and a hundred years ago?

Praying for all here to somehow be ok.

Now this is just my opinion, and I too have wondered all these questions. I just died inside thinking God did this. Then one day when I was very down like all of you, I just screamed at God. I told him to piss up a rope! I did this in front of my mother who is a devout Catholic, and she said I was going to hell. I told her I'm already in hell. After I got some time under my belt I started to look for the answers. Needless to say I didn't find a one. I  finally opened a bible and there it was. Matthew 18:14 So it is NOT the will of my father who is in heaven that the little ones parish. I have thought for a very long time and the only thing I concluded is this, what would be the worse thing that could happen to a mother to take her away from God. Who wants to take away your faith and soul so much that they would do something so evil. My answer is always the same. I hate to even speak or write his name. So even though I still get angry, and I still have some loud chats with God, my heart knows that he did not do this to me. I cannot believe in a God that would do this to me not once but twice. This is just my way of thinking, and how I have learned to cope. Whats right for one might not be right others. Peace and love to all.

I just wanted to say about the feeling like it just happened yesterday. I still feel that. Not as often, but there are times when my heart feels it all. All I can do is my best to get through it. Oh I write too. I got a feeling I will always have those days for the rest of my life. I just hope there are still nice people like you who understand and do not judge.

Dear Marilyn, most men are like that in this situation. In my experience with my husband, he just holds it all in. He tells me nothing about what he hears away from home. Then the day comes when I have to pry it out of him. Its usually not very pretty, but if I don't i'm afraid he will explode. My husband will talk about the boys, but I have to bring it up. After all this time I have learned when he needs to spill. Sometimes I can take it and others I just cry along with him. I do know they hurt too. They are dad and desperate just like us. It's just harder for them to speak about it, and they don't like to be thought of as not strong. I think Dads need time and patience the same as Moms. It is very difficult. Sometimes I have wondered why don't he seem to feel as bad as I do? Then I learned after a period of time that he does hurt like me, and we need to be in this together. As far as the God thing goes, nobody really knows the answers. I think if God could stop this he would, but the whole free will thing gets in the way. I wish I had an answer for you and me. Peace to you

I'm too scared to lose my faith.  To me to do that is telling myself my Michael is not in heaven.  I need to believe that God would not allow my Michael to be anywhere else.  I also have to believe that God will carry me through this.  Some parts of this feel very confusing but I have to keep my faith.  I ask my father everyday who is also in heaven to take care of my Michael until I get there.  I need to believe my Michael can hear me and feel me.  When I drive alone I tend to cry a lot, but I always ask my Michael to hold my hand.  I need to believe he is.

Echoing all the sentiments felt here. Today is exactly one and a half years since Shreyas , my son, isn't here in the physical body.

Teresa , please do not ever feel alone.. you are not.I know the feeling of unreality we have so well, questioning whether we are really here and writing this, the feeling of not being able to cognise the time gone by.. feels like yesterday and feels like a million years ago, the wanting and longing to have a deeply loved one within reach, the inability to comprehend.... but above all what is coming through is so amazing , the trust and faith that God is taking care of it all , the tremendous faith also given to those who are hurting so much by those who are feeling strong for the day. I am so honored to be a part of the group here. Love to all. 

Vasanthi, I will be thinking of you today. 

Thank you for thinking of me.

I'm sure if not for my faith I would not be here writing to. Even when I get do angry, and need to scream my head off some how he finds a way to help me. After my little boy was killed I knew in my heart I had to believe, but in my head I wanted no part of God, Jesus, Angels, any of it. I wanted them out of my heart and soul. Then I would get a strange feeling in my heart. I felt like God was crying too. Then I remembered how his own son was crucified. So I figured he must know how I feel. Then I got to thinking, if God could save anyone wouldn't he have saved his own son? I'm not much of a church going woman, but nothing else has comforted me more than my personal relationship with God. I'm hoping he understands or I'm in deep trouble!!! I have to let out my deep dark, nasty, obnoxious thoughts to the only one in my life that I can do so freely. Sometimes I think things, and feel things that  nobody else should have to hear. I admit it. Sometimes I get really angry and think some pretty awful stuff. After I get it all out those feelings go away. I think I have posted this before but since we're on the subject of God I'd like to post it again. I don't know to many verses from the bible but I will never forget this one.

Matthew 18:14 So it is not the will of my father that the little ones should parish.      To all of us our children at any age are our little ones. Thanks to all of you for not telling me to shut up! Sometimes I can go on, and on! Peace to all!

anne , I have often wondered about my husband, 2 years later and he still cries almost every morning. gabe was 1 week away from his 16 birthday and dad and son had big plans.  My husbands life was all about being a dad to the most wonderful boy and we felt God truly blessed us with our son and I am so happy I had him for 16 years but his dad is still so mad and hurt. Men do this grieving thin different. I went to grief counciling for a year and my husband only went for 6 months. he sat in the councilors

office and cried for and hour every week and then quit going  

Hello , My oldest son (32) passed on April 11 2013. He was alone at my kitchen counter and died from an overdose. His brother found him two days later. I was away at the time. He had been clean for two months, I thought he was doing good. I am heart broke. I cant imagine our lives without him. I don't know how to go on.

I need to no my child is ok. I need to know God has him in his arms and that he forgives him for his addiction and will let him in heaven. I cannot go on if he is not there. I love him and will gladly give up everything to save him. I could not save him here, I tried. I feel so guilty for his addiction. The pain is unbearable

Please try not to hold yourself accountable for your sons death. I know as a mother we think we can keep our children safe and protect them. In reality it's a no go. A hard fact to accept.

I thank you for your prayers, I feel lost . But a mother is not suppose to bury their child. I will look into your reading suggestion.

I have a challenging day today.  I've asked God to hold me up and help me through. 

Mary, I almost thought I wrote your entry.  We share the same thoughts. 

I just want everyone to know why you share your grief just like myself it is very helpful and comforting to me to know I'm not alone. 

Hello everyone, I have struggled with the thoughts of me some how being punished by our creator, I have felt like what pain and suffering could possibly be worse than this!?  If I had a choice, surely I would have opted for a different punishment. I guess I feel this way because in a 'perfect' world....at least in mine's, no one should ever suffer like this, no one should come to know this pain, no parent would ever bury their child. I don't get it, I guess I never will. I don't get the purpose or the reason, maybe that's why I feel like I'm being punished. 

Rosemary - I am so so sorry for your loss. We know that horredous pain and gulit. As much as we want to always protect our children, we just can't. They have their own lives and destinies. I still think that I made wrong choices and should have done things differently so my Daniel wouldn't have been here to get into his friends car and die 20 minutes later. But I don't know that it would have changed things and it will drive you crazy beating yourself up. It sounds like you loved and helped your son alot but he made his own choices which you had no control over. For me, having faith in Spirit and reading books like Mary suggested helps me get through the days somehow. God bless you and keep you strong.

Mary we all want to be angry at someone.  Before my sons death I had no contact with my ex-husband and wanted none.  Funny thing is.. now I am his support.  Knowing the pain I feel I know his is greater. He didn't have the relationship I had with my Michael, and now he has to live with that.  While this may have been an opportunity to throw it all in his face....I couldn't. Instead I figured his pain has to be much greater than what I feel.  I know he loved his son and as mad as Michael got with him on occasions I know he loved his dad.  I've decided to let all that past pain go because in reality I have no room in my body for any other pain then what I'm feeling over losing my Michael.

Marilyn, since my son Chris died, I have seen 2 seagulls fly over the backyard, one fly over a place I call my sanctuary (á small stream near a walking path in my subdivision), one fly past my car at Walmart (that one after asking Chris to let me see another one); I saw a turtle stopped on the path near my sanctuary. At home I heard flute music (no radio or tv was on) and the Notre Dame fight song (he graduated from ND); a clock play music weeks after I set it to NOT play music, and some other unusual and unexplained occurrences. I don't think these things are coincidences.

The pain and exhaustion will gradually subside. Your body along with your heart has been through a traumatic experience, and the exhaustion is your body trying to heal itself. When your grieving, especially for your child the body breaks down also. Sometimes it can make you very physically ill. It will take a while for your body to start to function normal again.

Mary, I want to share what someone very close to me asked me to do in a different context but it works nevertheless. Just breathe deeply  for a little time, forget and drop the thoughts for just a while and feel the tension ease-- all is well , pls believe that and sleep..love to u and all here.

Thank you Mary,

Will try and get hold of both the books,hopefully can get them online.

"every little thing is going to be all right"...powerful and affirmative a statement. Thank you, will hang on to it.. Tk care all.

Michelle we raise our children to be who they become.  Your son knows how much you love him.  We will never stop loving our children, we're moms.  My Michael will live in my heart and the hearts of those who knew him for the rest of our lives.

Marilyn I have days just like yours.  Struggling to face the reality. I look at the calendar yet it feels like no time at all has passed. I'm functioning but am I living?  My heart is still pumping but am I really breathing? 

I was feeling ok the other day until I had to go pick someone up at the airport.  Last year right at this time I took a trip to London with my Michael.  As I looked around I could see him walking through the airport.  I could hear him and how excited he was.  My eyes started to swell up and I couldn't refocus.  Just then a lady came up to me all excited and asked me if I was waiting for my son to arrive from a graduation trip.  I broke.  Couldn't stop the tears. 

The owl is beautiful! I hear them at night calling to each other on the farm. I always wonder what they are saying.  Hoooot, hoot, hoooot,hoot! I think i'm lonely

I too still have those days. I don't think they ever really go away. They are less for me now, but those days sometimes can kick me to the wall.  When they hit I still get scared that they wont stop, but they always do until the next time. It's very hard getting to a place where those days come few and far between.

Marilyn, that's beautiful. I truly believe that spirit finds ways of letting us continue a relationship (in a different way) with our sweet departed children. They are still alive and happy with God, we just can't see them. So those little physical reminders are there to help us keep our faith that they ARE still with us when days become so sad and bleak. It's the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind. What a wonderful gift of a visit from your son. I am a singer and love, love, love Alison Krauss. I sing "Down in the River to Pray" seen her several times in concert and don't think I have heard of this song. I am going to look it up right now and learn it for my baby Daniel. Music is one way I stay connected and find release and some peace. Thank you for sharing and God bless you. Oh yeah - I think he already did by answering your request!

Thank you  Connie, Mary, Marilyn... its so beautiful.

Agreed, the music of Allison Krauss is beautiful!

Marilyn I think some just don't know what to say, while others are afraid to be us. I looked for signs anywhere I can.  If your crazy then I'm crazy too.  Your son loves you so much that he wanted you to know he is still there and that he is now your light.

Hi Marilyn and everyone here... I have been reading your comments...but many times I just read without response.   I am 4 plus years since Niles died.  I still miss him very much. 

When the kids were younger I was a Bible Study teacher at our Church..... starting with 3rd grade and the story of Abraham and Sarah and then on from there... One Year I taught another group where we covered the Christian Calendar of events...  My living son would love to go to church group...

But since the death of Niles we have all had a Faith Crisis... my son now says he is Atheist....  And I can not convince him to believe... as I too have such shaken Faith that God has taken my youngest son from me...  When I asked my living Son. "Didn't you pray for Niles?" and he said "Yeah, and what good did it do"....  

I guess the reason I am writing this is because to some the thought of God is a comfort.... to some they are still angry with God or may even doubt His Existence.... An I am one that is on the fence.... So sometimes when people talk about God... I am pessimistic and think they are trying to sell me Santa Clause for Adults.    OH MAN I bet some of you are Angry that I say these things....because your Faith has gotten you through this horrible time.... and maybe the "Mustard Seed of Faith" that I try to hold on to has for me... but it is ok to Be angry and doubtful... even Thomas was doubtful (Hence Doubting Tom)..... And (If) there truly is God... He/She will understand our despair....   And Marilyn... some religions would Poo- Poo your "Experiences" as False Prophets.... so maybe some of those folks you are talking to are afraid to acknowledge that these are spiritual "Signs" you are getting from you child or God...   Many religions believe in resurrection and not that we instantly ascend to heaven... like in the clouds or in the sky.  I remember an area in the Bible that talked about how we leave our bodies when we die.... (From one religion class I was teaching... unfortunately I forget in the Bible where it talks about us leaving our bodies at death like an Exhale of our last breath.... It would be interesting if someone can direct me to that area of the Bible...because I would like to read it again...It may have something to do with Why we have funerals.....not sure.

I guess my main point is that we all have various beliefs or maybe sometimes disbeliefs.... Whatever is your strength is what is right for you.... Or any of us. 

I agree that many people just do not know HOW to help us through this terrible time.... and they do not want to know our experience either.... who could blame them... we never wanted to be here either....

Marilyn, I love hearing about the amazing experiences that others have that seem to be communications from loved ones who have passed. I started having them shortly after Chris' sudden death and found them to be comforting. I wasn't "looking" for them, nor did I even realize they were possible. I don't recall having any such experiences when my mother died 3 days before my 13th birthday or when my father died 3 years ago. I certainly welcome them now!