Marilyn-

That's what we told the judge during the hearing for the person who made such a reckless an arrogant driving  judgement call that resulted in Daniel's death. The term bereave means  "to be robbed or stolen from." Our son was stolen from us, his future, ours. Like a thief in the night with no warning.... i love your poem

Marilyn, Your poems are simply beautiful..no words to describe it.. been feeling very out of sorts and miss my son so deeply , never thought i would have to live without him...the tears don't stop.. 

Connie, yes stolen is the word... but again I am reminded that god does not take-- he receives, so our sons are received and who better than the spiritual parent to take care? yet the heart aches and pines,reason seems unreasonable,life seems bereft of any joy.. all changed in one split second... well there's nothing to be done but walk thorugh this also. Just happy that Shreyas knew how much he was loved and that he was totally secure in that knowledge.. take care all.. I'm going to try and sleep-- 

All circumstances are different. In this case I am referring to the person who stole him from us because of a stupid act. If I didn't believe that Daniel thrives in the arms of God, I couldn't go on. I am thankful for that. We are just left on this earth to ponder what is it that we are to learn from the most horrific pain you can feel. Everyday I just try to do something that as a parent, I would have liked to see him do. But, man - it is hard. It is a constant mental emotional spiritual battle to keep my head above water even though I know his spirit lives on. I just miss him so much and don't know how to move on. I feel paralyzed right now. I think I am still in shock. Thanks for sharing your poem Marilyn. One thing that helps my husband and I is a verse Daniel left with us when my husband's best friend died  5 years ago. He wrote: "Those who have passed do not wish to be mourned, they wish to be celebrated." From his own lips - who would have ever thought at the time that a 12 year old would be so wise and prophetic. So that is what we try to always do - celebrate him and his life. And I know he would want us to do that with our own lives. The question for me now, is how? Thanks for listening everyone. I really do appreciate this website and all of you. I hope you all find one beautiful thing in the world today, if even for a moment.

Mary, it's funny how a specific day of the week or a date each month takes on a whole new meaning when we experience a significant loss. I wonder if I'll ever experience a Thursday again without associating it with Chris' death. Plus I find, for some reason, I kinda' resent the passage of time even though each day brings me one more day closer to being reunited with my son. I can't quite explain why, unless I somehow think people expect my grief to lessen with the passage of time.

Connie, I agree that it's only the knowledge that my son, like yours, is hopefully reveling in being in the presence of God that I can even remotely tolerate the reality of what happened.

I am attending a very emotional event today in memory of my daughter. I need to be very strong but my heart is so broken I don't know how I am going to get through it. It is a very public event. I do better when I am alone. I don't feel strong enough to attend but I know I must.

Jane, you don't have to be strong. Just allow yourself to be real

Jane, sending love and prayers your way. How wonderful that your daughter is being honored! She WILL be with you, closer than ever.

Jane we will all be with you today. 

Jane - Sometimes others don't know how to be or what to say or if they should show their own grief for fear of upsetting you more. And even though we are in so much pain, we always worry about making others feel uncomfortable (ironic isn't it) and it just makes doing things so much harder. But I think that showing your grief is a gift to them because they can then share their own feelings and comfort and help you. We are all with you in thought  but most importantly your daughter's spirit will get you through. Good luck. It is wonderful that she is being honored.

Just writing a quick note to say that I have just had to read 6 pages of comments.  I have never been that far behind before, but the 'DRAGON' has reared its ugly head again and I am in the fire.

My heart and sympathy goes out to our new members and also to those that have been here for awhile.  I think of you all every day, but right now I am not doing well.  My daughter thinks I should see a professional and then asked if it's because his birthday is coming up.  How the heck am I suppose to know why.  This life is never stable anymore.  

Jane, I hope your day went okay.  I can only imagine how hard a public event would be.

Sending my love and hugs to all.

Jane, good luck to you today. There will probably be more times when you will have to be strong, but just remember she is with you and so are we. Our children are always with us. That's one thing that can't be taken away, for love never dies. Peace and love to you and all friends.

Thank you all for your warmth. I am home. It was rough and I could not hold it in. It was not a pretty picture! But I did it and it felt good to cry. My daughter was worth every tear. It felt like it was just her and I there. It was a wonderful tribute to her. My heart feels warm again. I have not felt that in a long while. You are all so kind. Thank you.

Today I wish Peace, Love, and Understanding to all friends. Every time you cross a milestone and you survive it you have won! There will be many twists and turns to come along with these milestones, but you will gain strength with each one. Today i'm feeling good, strong, and well rounded, so I thought i'd pass some of it around. 

YADOT nNOSREP TAHT GNAnne, it's one of the best things about a group like this, that when some of us are down, there is usually someone who is in a better place who can give us hope. Thanks for being that person today.

Every time I go in my kitchen to try to cook a meal I end up on the floor. I just roll up in a knot and cry. I miss my 20 year old T.J. so much. No one will ever see him again. I can NEVER introduce my baby boy to no one. He will never exist to them. His friends are moving on and having fun.

Just sending my love and "cyber" hugs to all, you guys have been my strength that gets me through the most rough times....thanks for always listening. My heart hurts with you all.

Dear Milt, it breaks my heart to hear your pain, as I know exactly how you feel x2. I still feel the same way you do about all their friends moving on and not my boys. 2 of the boys that were in the car when my first boy died are now married and having babies. I cried for a long time after their weddings. I went to both and they both broke my heart. I just thought how unfair it all was, and now their having babies. I didn't think I would ever get over it, and I felt so bad that I felt that way. Until today I did not repeat how bad I felt about it all. I didn't say how angry I was and how hurt I was that they were having wonderful lives and my sons were dead. sounds harsh I know. I felt so guilty for having these feelings. I wasn't angry at the boys friends or their families but I was just plain hurt and angry as hell. It took me all winter to get my head and heart back on track. I suffered greatly with my PTSD during this time also. I finally got to the point were I couldn't cry or scream anymore. Then one morning I got out of bed and I could see the sunshine. I don't know how , but I felt all different. I'm much better now but I didn't know if I was going to make it, but here I am! Now that I have confessed my feelings I feel much better too! Id like to thank you Milt for sharing your feelings. It gave me the knowledge that I am not alone and someone else has these feelings too. I was thinking I was the worst person in the world for being jealous of my sons friends. Now I know its just one more thing I have to deal with and make the best of. We will all be ok. Not like we were but a different kind of ok. The kind that those of us who have walked in the shoes of a grieving parent can only know. What a relief to get that off my chest. Thanks to all of you, I can face another day. I wish you all peace in your hearts if only for a moment.

Sorry about that I didn't realize how long it was. Sometimes I get on a roll and just cant stop! Love and warmth to all

I am so sorry. It should've been Dear B. Milt. I need to learn to wear my glasses.

Am with you, Mary, Anne, B Milt.It is rough and I feel helpless that so many of us are going through such a time. Have a splitting headache today, so this was just a quick note for all here that I am with you all.

Mary, while your heart is heavy today, Gary is celebrating his happiest birthday ever! I know the ambivalence you may be feeling, wishing he were with you and his family here on earth today, while not wanting to take away the joy that he is surely feeling where he is. My prayers are with you, especially that you feel better and that you feel Gary's presence on this anniversary of the day you gave birth to your precious son.

I wish there was something I could say to help all of us. My heart aches for you and I wish none of us were in this club. It is an impossible pain to live with each day. There is no joy in my life, only deep sadness. My life has not "gone on". It is on auto pilot. I feel like a robot. I lean over the sink to cry. My eyes are so sore from wiping them. I too fall to the kitchen floor as does B. Milt. It seems crying is the only release we have. My daughter has been gone six months. I am older (62). I left work 7 years ago when she was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. I nursed her every day. She was too uncomfortable with outside help. She was only 25 when she died. I have no life to put back together. I have no heart to build a new one. I miss her so much. She was my everything. Her friends have been very kind but they all have young lives to live so I pretend to be fine with them. In fact, I pretend all the time. I also keep my feelings to myself as Anne has done. I am only beginning to share my feelings here. But I am always worried I will upset one of you. Mary, Happy Birthday to Gary. Be kind to yourself. My heart bleeds for all of us.

Everything I read here I am nodding my head to.  Seems we all experience the same things in one way or another.

Mary, I can know what this day is for you.  The firsts are just overwhelming.  I am sorry you are not feeling well and hope you feel better soon.  I will be praying for you.

My son's birthday will be Friday, the 14th, but unlike some of you, I still think of him as 41.  He is not getting older and I have been experiencing more depression for a few weeks now.  My mind has been reminding me that his birthday is coming up and I just keep remembering the day he was born and the joy of that time.  To be truthful I can't wait for it to be over and gone.  Then I will have another month of waiting to get past his 3rd anniversary that is July 14th.  I was starting to do better, but I think every year these things will always affect us just as holidays do, but I know there is some peace in between as time passes.  I pray you all will have those times of peace.  I believe it gives us strength to keep going, especially when the bad days are upon us.

As always...you all are in my prayers.  May we all be blessed with some peace.  Hugs.  ❤.█▄o╲╱e───

Thanks Ammy need ur love n prayers

My own belief is that no one needs to refrain from posting out of concern for upsetting the others. This is a safe place...or should be...where our feelings, whatever they are on any given day, are respected and honored. We all go through such a vast array of emotions that can change from one breath to the next. Where else could people understand what we go through?

We are with you also Mary. Feelings that are shared on this site are feelings that only we know, so in sharing them we help each other see that these feelings are ok, For me some of the worst of this besides the evident, is that I am afraid to share them with those who don't know what I've been through. My words are never to offend or hurt. Only to release some of the weight I carry daily, as I know all of you do too, but those who don't know, cant understand, at least this is what I have learned from my experience. Lets face it we've been through enough without having to explain feelings, some of which even I don't understand myself. Have a peaceful day!

That's great Mary! That first one is one of the worst and you survived! That really warms my heart. Have a peaceful night everyone!

Mary, good for you!

MAry, I'm so proud of you and the strength you showed in celebrating Gary's birthday! You faced the day head on and spent time with the family Gary loves. One "first" successfully conquered!

I keep reading about "healing my grief" and It just seems to get worse. The books all say you have to work hard to reconnect. How much harder can I try? I do what I have to and what I am obligated to do. But all this talk of "after a while" I will feel joy again but it is up to me. Really?  Some days I just feel like I am hanging by a thread while others think I'm doing "great". I just feel like a mangled mess and don't know where to start cleaning up. In the meantime I just wanna see my baby again....one of those days. thanks for being here. Love and prayers to everyone.

Marilyn,

U nailed it... i also used to think that people say its god, and then i wd feel ok but i feel its my precious one.When that warm , soothing feeling comes, i want to hold on to it and never let it go. Also thank you for ur very thoughtful message hoping that my headache of the other day is better. I was so touched, you have such a grand heart where u r tring to comfort others amidst ur own grief. I may not have messaged back immediately , but u r always in my thoughts as are others here. I know that a wrenching separation is the most pain filled one, as it seems against the norm, yet i often think that this is something to be overcome-- it cannot be something awful and morbid whatever the outer circumstances dictate it to be. Imagine we have known great love, and that is to be cherished. 

Connie, your lovely boy is certainly with you. We want it to be as it always has been and it is painful to live another way, an untrod-en path so to speak. Maybe Love will surprise by showing how the grave cannot contain it?Life as we all knew it has changed forever but I'll be damned if I allow it to steal the smile from my face when I think of my son. He certainly would not want that. None of them would have deliberately hurt so when it is beyond one's control all i do is hang on with faith and yes life can be beautiful because we never lose love.

Love is actually forever.

Tomorrow will be 9 months since my Michael went to heaven.   I miss him more today than yesterday.  Everyday I tell myself I'm not going to cry, haven't made it yet but I'm working on it.  Some days I'm still in disbelief and have to argue with myself not to call his phone. I just want him to answer so I can tell him what a horrible nightmare I had.  He was my first born, my only son, my Little Smurf.  My mind runs through his life everyday while I try to think how I can live it for him now.  I just want to run to the highest mountain and scream for him.  I know I can't have him back no more then any of you. 

Connie there are days I feel exactly as you do.

Marilynn I'm going to try and hold on to your thought of God is letting us feel their love and warmth from heaven.

Mommy Loves You Michael Cristo Dimitri III.

Thanks for your support everyone. Vasanthi - Although I am having a hard time coping with this grief, I do have faith and feel that still with my son is still with me. I am just having to have a different relationship with him. I know what you mean when you feel their presence and are surrounded in love. It is the most important thing - I know he is with me and I do feel the love. If I didn't I simply couldn't go on. But since it has only been 6 months, I think I am still in shock and sometimes the harsh reality of his physical absence just hits me like a huge wave knocking me to the ocean floor.  It just hurts and some days I just don't want to do anything at all. I know this is not how my son would want me to be, it just is the way it is for now. But I do try very hard to keep a spiritual outlook and appreciate your inspiration. Love is forever.

Marilyn - I do also get some comfort from the fact that my son did not suffer when he died, even though it was a violent car accident. He died instantly. He had suffered with Crohn's Disease and complications from it for the last few years and was often in terrible pain, certainly constant pain. I do thank God that he was taken quickly and did not great pain and suffering from awful injuries he could have sustained. And I know he is finally pain free and is happy in God's arms. I do find peace in that and that will have to do until I see him again.

Mary - I know just how you feel when people say things that make you feel that somehow we are not grieving "right". They can't know the pain we are going through and God forbid they ever have the opportunity. I'm so glad you were able to express your feelings to your family. I think people just aren't sure what to say and appreciate the insight.

Yes, I think I will put that book down! There have been several that are extremely helpful and keep me stay connected to those who have made their way through. Thanks for your book recommendation. I will check it out.

Dear Connie, as a veteran grieving mother I say Each one of us is different. The way we handle grief is as unique as our fingerprints, and when it comes to the death of a child, there is no rule book to tell us how this is done. So those who don't know can't help. I have found in my journey through this hell, I have had to find my own way. However I did have a good therapist who taught me some very good coping skills that helps a lot. Sometimes nothing helps, even me. I still hear whispers of how I should be over things, but you know it's always someone who has never walked in my shoes so most of the time I deal with it, although I do have my days. Don't be too hard on yourself. This kind of stuff takes a lot of time, and it never goes away you just deal with it better some days, and some days you just do the best you can. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

I'm with you Adrianne.  Everyday for the past 9 months I have been crying.  I try real hard to make it through the day but haven't been able to do it yet.  Today I woke up crying.  I miss my Michael soooo bad!!!!!! I miss our conversations, his smile, his laugh, hearing "love you mom" and so much more.

Every time i see a new post , I know exactly what is going through the person.the times one feels the closeness to the one who was so beloved , the times one feels the yawning distance and the pain of being wrenched, the times one feels immense grief at the abruptness of a physical life ending without warning, the times we hope that all is well with them and also know that it is , the times of doubt about it all and the times of guilt about having a semblance of happiness and yet feel so helpless about anything which can fix it for oneself or others-- its all so monumental in its impact. 

All I can say is I am with you.It feels inadequate.

I am with you too - I understand how you feel. A family member recently asked me as I was crying one morning. "Do you have any medication for that? Just so you don't cry every day?" I was stunned and felt bad and then knew I can't really be open with my feelings with so many people. Tears are natural and help release some grief and help us work through the pain. I cry so many times a day. I have been crying since my son passed also and will always cry for missing him. Right now it is simply a great physical and emotional need. May everyone find some peace today.

I also cry for all of you who have lost a child. I am just amazed at how many people are going through this nightmare and I so feel all of your pain.

And Sunday is Father's Day. Don't know what to do for my husband so I got him a little lemon tree for our patio. Daniel always loved lemons. I am putting rocks decorated by his best friends and myself around the tree. We did this at his school with neighbors and friends and it is a beautiful way to have a living memorial to him. Lots of tears but wonderful memories that make me smile right through them. Life is crazy.

I too cry almost everyday for my boys, and I've been doing this for a long time. It is the bodies way of releasing the pain and anxiety. As time has gone by, and I mean a lot of time, I find that I'm not as teary everyday like I used to be. Night time is the hardest for me. When the world is quiet and asleep my brain has a hard time shutting down. All it takes is a memory or a picture, or the smell of cookies baking. Sometimes my mind can conjure up lots of triggers. That's when I pray. Prayer is a good distraction for me. Crying is ok. It means we're dealing with things and not running from them. I always believe that I can run but I can't hide. Especially from myself! Good day to all

I am taking 10 mg of Ambien. Be careful, it allow us to bed and and but give the munchies after we talke

I'm determined to make today a good day.  I've already cried and that's ok.

Hang on Marilyn, hang on.

Hi Marilyn, I have never spoken to you and I don't know your circumstances but you have just described my day. I, too, know I am in denial again but it isn't in my control. Today I cried for hours and now I'm just still and numb. I lost my 29 year old daughter on May 3rd. I hope it gets better for you. (HUGS) and light to you.

Marilyn, you have described so well what many of us go through; the reality has not gotten better for me with time (it's been 5 years now and hurts to even say that).  It is so difficult to realize that our children have not been given the opportunity of time. Makes me really sad.