Today was memorial day, and all I could think about was seeing my Soldier Ben in his dress blues the day I had to bury him. I'll never forget the day he received them. He was so excited, and couldn't wait to show me how handsome he looked in them. He was killed before I got the chance, so I had to see them for the first time on him in his casket. They didn't mean the same to me after that.

to all of you out there hurting as bad as I do today, you are not alone!

Last week I was out of town. While I was asleep in the middle of the night I had a terrible nightmare, which I have on occasion, and I heard my little boy crying for me, and somehow I got out of bed to run to him and found myself standing outside in the torrential rain. I wish there was a way to stop this from happening. Does anyone else have this problem? I sure could use a little help. Blessings to all of you, you deserve it the most.

Hello Susan Joanette, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am still fighting for justice for my son's murderer, he was chased down by a driver of a SUV that ultimately caused him to crash into another vehicle. We have to continue to be the voices of our children. Sending hugs.

My son was shot while with a girl and another male. The girl told police and us that my son shot himself. His friends said he was set up. Now watch us get justice for our son. Another "project boy deal went bad". So who cares. He was only 20. A licenses seaman with family.

To all my friends here... my heart goes out to you and I feel like at least there are some who can understand the agony of this kind of loss, though I would not wish it on anyone. I feel God has given us this to understand that life is not about birth and death-- that is a characteristic of every---body.. We certainly are more than a machine-- the body-- so I feel that those who went like this suddenly are surely in the safe and loving hands of God and they are with us , not just as a concept but in reality.. love to all of you.

Mary ~ My heart goes out to you. I understand where you are coming from. I would have listed my son as a contact person as well. In fact I was looking over my will after I read your post and realized he was still listed. It just drove home that there will be no survivors for him. He was killed with no children. Not only do I now have to change my will but it got me to thinking of how many other things have to be changed as well. While I have finally come to accept his death (though there are many days I still want him to be here), I am still angry over the circumstances of his being killed.

It is bittersweet knowing that your son's children will be close. Enjoy every moment with them. Life is too short to take for granted. Every day I wish there was just one more minute I could have said I love you, or how proud I was of him.

To all of us left here, this needs to be a reminder to tell each person we love every day that we love them, are proud of them and if they live at home give them a hug every day. We never know when it will be the last day.

Praying for all and sending hugs to all.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. No one but another mother can feel this kind of loss. I didn't understand before when people would say that there is nothing like the pain of losing a child. Now we know and it hurts so bad. I just can't stop crying. Mother's Day was hard but my son helped make it as good as it could be. Thank God for him. I live alone now and I miss her so much!

Whew! I feel a little better today. Susan, Karen, and Milt, I pray that the day will come when you will be given the gift of finding the ones who killed your children and justice will be done. We are always told to get over it and move on, but everytime I turn around something steps in front of me and I go back to step one.  People who have not walked in our shoes have no idea of the fact that no matter how well we move on, or how well we survive the loss of our children, dealing and working, and living with this loss is ours forever. The only way I see a time when it won't be such hard and sad work to move on is when i'm dead.  Some people just don't understand that as in birth, death is a lifetime commitment  whether we like it or not. There's just no getting away from it. I learn everyday different ways to deal with it, but it's never going to go away. I wish I could help the people around me to understand or atleast accept that this is my life and I cant change whats happened any more than the next guy can't change his shoe size.

I go through this day. It was the hardest one yet but I made it, I don't know how, but I did. I wish you all a peaceful night.

I just want to say hello to everyone here and acknowledge the struggle each of us is going through on a daily basis. This website is a Godsend. Praying that your pain lessens a bit today.

Hugs, thanks, and prayers for you. Yes, this website is a Godsend. I wouldn't know what to do without you all.

B. Milt I want you to know I care.

Marilyn, I am so very sorry about the loss of your son and that you have had to know the pain of all of us here. My prayers are with you as you begin this lonely journey.

Marilyn,

It is awful to hear of this sudden loss . Sorry from the bottom of my heart. Everyday its like climbing mt. everest-- I feel for you and all here. You pls take care and my prayers are with you.

Teresa Dimitri,

Thank you for caring and reading my post. I pray we all have peace. I am still crying everyday through the day. I noticed your son died 9/12/12. My son was shot 9/30/2012 and died 10/02/2012. My anxiety just makes me shake all the time and feel scary all the time. I wait for my son. He was still at home with us. Truly hard.

These are the same questions I ask myself. I do so badly want my darling son. I so badly want to give him a hug and tell him how wonderful a boy he is. He was always assured of my love and support and valued whatever we spoke about. He was so healthy and had so many friends all around as he was first posted in Jakarta , then Sharjah and then Dubai. His friends have all told me how they loved him so much and his facebook page is full of the fun times he had. They have told me about his immense kindness in helping poorer friends and all these things Shreyas never told me , he was humble to the core. People used to say , " what a wonderful boy you have, where will one get such children nowadays."Distance never mattered to us as we spoke thru the day on chat and we would sometimes leave a conversation midway if one of us got busy at work and then pick up the same thread later.If I told him i was missing him a lot he wd immediately say " mumsie we will video chat in the evening ok?" and he made sure that we did. All I know is that there is a gaping hole in my heart and who except him can fill it? My only consolation is that Love is forever and there death will lose its sting for death cannot take that away.

Hello Marilyn, so sorry for the loss of your son, I pain I know all to well.

Hello everyone, I haven't been on in awhile but just wanted you to know that I've read everyone's postings and I can relate to all of them, I share your pain. Sometimes I am just too distraught to post any comments, many times I just log in to read, just reading sometimes makes me feel like I'm listening to your feelings and experiences and that's my way of offering support. This site/forum has been a tremendous intervention for me. The "lay" people don't understand just how important it is to have someone listen and to be able express your thoughts and emotions and NOT be judged. Validation of my feelings is critical for me. This site is not some big 'pity club' as my daughter referred to it once. She sees it as being negative, she thinks we all just feed into each other's misery and that we just fuel each other's sadness....she totally doesn't get it.

Hi Karen.... you are right.... some folks think we are on a pity party...but at least those of us here are understanding to this pain.... This site has given me a lot of support when I have felt at my lowest and the "Other Folks" just DO NOT GET IT!  I have given up trying to explain it to them.... but at least I have been able to read here and feel like I am not judged but supported....

It has been 4 years... I still miss my son very much and I am not or do I think I will ever "Get Over It" 

Yet when I hear of "New Members to this group.... I feel so sad for them....PEACE

Yes Mary, Karen, Grace... can empathise with all here. Like Karen said I sometimes get here and just read and feel too distraught or inadequate to comment, yet I feel at least there are people who understand..its so imp-- who wants pity?no one has to tell us that life has to go on-- if it didnt who wd want to breathe again ?yesterday a friends husband told me-- hey its been a year and 5 months and u must move on-- I simply didnt know how to respond cos I said well like it or not i'm alive and apart from showing u a march past, what do i need to do to show that whatever life is throwing at me I am dealing with it, with no loud complaints or any show of bitterness. more than this for now i can do nothing!

Hey Vasanthi, so sorry that your friend's husband said that to you, he clearly has no clue, I guess he's one of the 'lay' people, those that never lost a child. He doesn't know what it's like to be alive but feel like you're NOT living, I hope he'll be spared and that his children will bury him.

Does anyone think that men and women grieve differently or the same. We don't have many active male members in this group. During my experience, it appears that men grieve differently. I guess it just depends on the individual.

I always find it refreshing when I see posts from men on here. Unfortunately males are socialized to be "strong," to keep their more vulnerable feelings hidden. Also men are doers and fixers, and this is one thing they just can't fix.

A few mixed thoughts.

I think men and women do deal differently but I don't think the pain is any less.

The other day without thinking I was speaking about my son in a conversation with a new neighbor. She ended up asking me how many kids I had. I didn't really know how to answer. So I told her I have two: my daughter who is 24 and my son who passed in Sept. 2012 who would have been 30.  She politely ended the conversation and went inside. 

I find some people think I should be moving on.  Some are afraid of me. I guess they don't want to be me.  while others just look at you with such sadness.  I'm just trying my best to deal with it. 

I think your right the first few months your just numb and full of disbelief.  Then later reality starts to really set in.    The future we talk about the day he died I will never get to see.

I am usually looked at as a strong person... problem is no one seems to recognize that I just can't be that person right now.  Everyone around me expects it but I can't be it. I don't people realize when it's your child your not just grieving your child but your grieving their future that is also gone.

When do you know you're in trouble? I am like others who are finding the grief getting worse. I am only sad and have no other feelings. It takes too much strength to wear "the mask". I am broken. 

Michelle, I think you're right, they are "fixers".

Wow Teresa, you are so right, that's exactly how i feel, I feel like I'm grieving my son's future. I always say that I feel like my son and I were both robbed of his young life. I have mentioned before how i sobbed uncontrollably at a friend's wedding while her new husband did his mother/son dance. I tried to hold it in but I erupted into tears and began to wail. I felt so bad for not being able to control my emotions at such a joyous occassion, i didn't want any attention to be on my sadness, after all, it was her day. Watching him dance with his mother just reinforced that I would NEVER be able to have that dance with my son. I felt awful but everyone thank goodness was very supportive and comforting....or at least tried to be. I feel like I have to be fake, I hate making others feel uncomfortable around me...well, usually I feel bad but sometimes I don't, I feel like they need to know how I'm feeling, of course in a situation like her wedding, I felt bad. That's why I usually prefer not to go to any events. Everything is just a cruel reminder that my son is gone! I couldn't even dance at my own daughter's wedding, I haven't danced since my son passed and it will be 4 years in October....dancing is something I had always loved.

Does it...or did it...seem like after your child passed away that a whole lot of other things went wrong in a relatively short period of time? Almost as if losing a child wasn't even to push you over the edge? I guess that's just the normal stuff of life, but it seems like life is being especially cruel. I'm ready for a break!

Karen R ....My son was the manager of a small garden store. Now his very good friend that he got a job there for is the manager. My son's girlfriend is also working there. Every year they all went to a 4 day music festival that my son discovered and they all loved. They are all going this year with out him. My son had just bought a 2006 Dodge Charger and his girlfriend is trying to take over the loan. His girlfriend spends all her time (and yes nights) at my sons good friends house. I am so jealous that they get to go on with their lives and my son don't. its only been 4 months and I miss him so much. Am I horrible for being jealous? I am soooo crushed. Only thing is I am keeping his dog. I am.. if and when his girlfriend moves out of my house the dog is staying with me. his girlfriend may be mad but I am keeping the dog. Am I being selfish?

Shelley, you're not being selfish; you're facing the difficult of seeing your son's friends going on with their lives. And it hurts. By all means, keep your son's dog!

I don't know Michelle... this is so hard sometimes I feel like I am being selfish and then I feel even worse it that is at all possible. :(

Shelley, I doubt very much that you're begrudging your son's friends or girlfruend their lives. But right now, you're seeing them stepping into some areas that were your son's in the past. And you probably wonder why it's not him. You're struggling, like all of us here, to deal with a world that ni longer makes sense. I hope you won't be so hard on yourself.

No Michelle I love his friends very much they also spoke very heartfelt words at his funeral service. but I do feel jealous. And I was told a few minutes to let his girlfriend have his dog. I'm sorry I can't. She would not take care of him like I do and he (the dog) is the last link I have to my son and I won't ever let anything happen to him.

The word,'loss' doesn't even begin to describe it-- its ur identity and soul that is torn away.

I think men and women do grieve differently...but it is not a competition... I have said this to my husband and other children.  It is what it is.... But I think for us mothers... we carried that Life in our bodies... then gave birth to them.... that is why I say I feel like this Big turkey that has had all of the inside removed out my A$$ and it reached all the way up to ripping my heart out.... I feel hollow from the inside.

Shelly   did the girlfriend and your son get the dog TOGETHER in the relationship? Or was it How long were they together?  I ask this because over 30 years a go... I lost my husband and chose to bury him next to his mother... at his dad's request.  I paid all funeral expenses except the lot and his grave marker...  when I went to his grave the marker only said Beloved Son.... not wife.... I was very angry and hurt... and my father in law refused to change it and I could not do anything because it was his lot and stone.... I've never been back to the grave again and have my son's ashes in my dresser next to my bed.  I felt that my father in law did not respect our marriage.

Marilyn, just love him with ur whole heart and show him that love-- it will help you both and is healing. My son was my only child and what I do is send him all my love everytime, I talk to him and it helps as I know he is with me helping me all the time.I just wonder about how he is as we always knew what each other was doing and where we were regardless of the distances.... hugs to all here 

Karen we share the same thoughts and experiences.  I have had to attend weddings and baby showers.  Each one all I wanted to do was stand in a corner and cry.  I will never see my Michael have those 4 kids he talked about.  I will never see my Michael get married.  I grieve losing him but I also grieve that future that he and I talked about the day he passed.   

Karen I don't think your selfish I think your grieving and processing.  

Your son's girlfriend and friend haven't forgotten him because it is your son bonding them.  They are going to that concert because they know he is going to be there too.

Well.... I lost my first husband when I was 21... And as I said earlier... I buried him next to his Mom...but I was very offended that his Dad did not recognize that he was married and happy with me....  yet after time I did find new love and then married my current husband had 3 children... then lost our Niles.....Losing my son has been the worst!  Yet because I was a young Widow.... I feel that side too.   It has been 30 plus years and I still carry the love that I have for my first husband...but my life has been a novel full of chapters....many I wish I did not have... especially losing my son.

My husband (#1) Parents did come to my and Wedding and befriended my #2 husband.... and his sister (Husband#1) came to the hospital when I was losing my son from husband #2  And it really meant a lot.   It still gave me the feeling of connection to my first husband and his family... I visited and went to weddings... it was distant but yet it helped resolve some of the hurt I had with his Dad not changing his grave Stone....but 30 years later... I still hurt about that.... and now my father-in-law is dead too....   My how the years have passed.... but I still carry that love... as we all will with our kids..... forever.

Hey Shelley, I understand the jealousy so well, it's probably more envy than anything else. I go through this with my son's friends. Seeing them going on with their lives makes me feel like they're forgetting him like he never existed...I know that sounds irrational and is probably not true but nevertheless, that's how I feel. I feel like the sun should never rise again because my son is not here. In my opinion, you have every right to keeping your son's dog, maybe I'm pushy but I probably wouldn't have even asked to tell the truth. The girlfriend should've offered. You will always be his mom but she may have not always been his girlfriend. I hope your son's dog brings you some comfort no matter how small it may be.

Marilyn Matthews your poems obviously come from deep in your heart.

"Stolen" touched me personally. Thank you for sharing it. 

Marilyn, you express so beautifully what's in your heart. My condolences on this one month anniversary of Brandon's passing. I know your heart aches.

Shelley, please don't allow one person's opinion about what you should do about your son's dog discourage you from posting here. You are the only person who knows what's right for you. You certainly deserve to get and give support on this site.

Marilyn, Thursdays are really hard for me, too. Today is 10 weeks.