Dear B. Milt, I just want to send you a hug, I totally can relate to your poem....so sorry, so sorry that any parent has to experience this.

Special days of any kind can be especially difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of a child. 

The first year following the death of a child is often filled with 
days of dread and fear when anniversary dates and holidays approach. 

Mother’s Day is a holiday that is one of the most dreaded holidays of all. A mother grieving the loss of her precious child often spends weeks in fearful waiting of the day, wondering how she will ever make it through. 

There is no real way of avoiding Mother’s Day. The stores are filled 
with gifts made and designed especially for mothers and children. Advertisements for gifts on the radio and in the newspaper bombard us every day for weeks prior to Mother’s Day. Card and flower shops experience their busiest season of the year on Mother’s Day. Reminders of this special holiday are 
everywhere.

There is an empty ache that becomes increasingly more evident as the day approaches and there seems to be no way to find relief. 

It is wise to share these feelings with other bereaved parents and friends rather than to avoid the topic. By sharing how you feel, 
you can alert others to be more sensitive to your needs during this painful day of sad reminders. 

Remember that this is not a time to worry about hurting other’s feelings but, rather, a time to make your wishes known. 

Remind yourself often that there is no right or wrong way to handle 
Mother’s Day. Some mothers have found it helpful to go away on a mini weekend trip, totally avoiding any family gatherings that will be too painful to attend.

Other mothers choose to do something special in memory of their child. Many choose to use Mother’s Day as a special day to plant a flower or tree in memory of their child who has died. 
Seeing something growing is often a visible reminder of the ongoing love a mother has for her child. 

Whatever you choose to do, remember not to set expectations too high for the day. Plan to do something that is healing for you, but realize that you will still experience a wide gamut of emotions and many tears will fall. 

By planning ahead for Mother’s Day, you have already crossed a big hurdle in your walk.. Telling others that this is going to be a difficult day for you is a way of building up a support system that will help you get through the day. 

Remind yourself often that you will make it through Mother’s Day and, when you do, you will be one step farther along in this 
difficult journey we call grief.

Even though my daughter was in a coma for 4 months before she died on May 3rd, 2013 I still see her walking around the house and wait for her to come in at night. She was with me when her heart stopped beating and before they started it again. She was without oxygen for over 10 minutes.  I see the whole thing happening over and over again in the bedroom.  I can feel her falling into my arms just after she looked at me and said her last words ," I love you ".  I can still smell her perfume in that room and see her stuff lying around. I had help packing it up but those things and that smell are going to be in my mind forever. They say there is nothing worse than losing a child. I never realized what that meant until now. I don't know how to handle this.  I never knew such sadness.  I want to scream out and ask why it was her and not me.  I miss her so much.

Mother's Day is coming up and I am dreading it. I just want to bury my head in a pillow until it is over.  Her son, my grandson, is just 7 years old and I don't know how he will get through it either.  My heart breaks for him.  He is so smart and was so involved in saying our goodbyes to her that I know that day will hurt.  I pray for him.

Bonnie is my nickname too.

I lost my son 7mths ago. My husband and I still can not talk about it. I am fighting to keep my job. I can not bear this either..I will think of you and send any sweet thoughts your way.

It is hard enough to suffer the loss of a child. When it's accompanied by people intentionally imposing other hurts on top of the already unthinkable, it can be completely overwhelming.

Yes.... we all regret the first holidays ...birthdays.... I can relate to you all... April he would have been 18 on the 17th..... May 27 will be 4 years.... yet I still have bad days.....  I relive those last moments over and over too..... Bonnie..... and My husband just lost his job and things do not look good for the summer.... hoping things will get better for the fall.... Our Marriage has been very stressful and on the brink of divorce.... and my family have not been very kind either.... Michelle..... I can relate to everything said here..... There is never a day that I do not think of Niles..... but I do have good days too....

about 3 weeks ago, I was at a party where I met a man who had recently lost his wife... boy did we talk... I lost my first husband in 1983...  He did not know why he picked me out of the crowd to talk to... fate I guess...?????  Shared my story and that I also lost my son.... it is a real kind of pain. 

Sending hugs to you all.  This is my 3rd mother's day without my son.  It really never gets easier.  Just different compared to the 1st year.  Still sad, still hard to accept.  Reminders brings memories to flood back like fresh cut grass.  A sunny day, a rainy day... doesn't seem to matter, memories always take hold.  I just let myself grieve when they come.  Missing my son today and every day. 

Hello Bonnie, I am so sorry for your that I can relate to all too well, like pretty much all of us here, I had also tried to imagine what a parent must feel like when they lose their child, now I see how so un-imaginal it truly is! The best word to describe me now continues to be, 'BROKEN', that's what I am. My heart also hurts for your grandchild, how awful is that at such a young age. I hope you will be able to find strength for him even if you have to fake it around him...poor baby. Please try to keep in touch with all of us here. No one will criticize or judge your feelings and thoughts. Sending you hugs.

Bonnie....oops, sorry for your pain!

Hey Sophia, I understand everything you just said, absolutely nothing makes sense and I'm sure if it ever will. This is a hard part to play. 

The pain of facing Mother’s Day without a child can be the loneliest pain a mother will ever know. There is an empty ache that becomes increasingly more evident as the day approaches and there seems to be no way to find relief.

It is wise to share these feelings with other family members
and friends rather than to avoid the topic. By sharing how you feel, you can alert others to be more sensitive to your needs during this painful day of sad reminders. 

Remember that this is not a time to worry about hurting other’s feelings, but rather, a time to make your wishes known.

Whatever you choose to do, remember not to set expectations too high for the day. Plan to do something that is healing for you, but realize that you will still experience a wide gamut of emotions and many tears will fall.

Hi Sophia,

OMG!.This is another world, life and script that no one should have to act out. You said in words how I feel ever day. Please continue to share how you feel as well as I will. I am fighting for my job and lost my only son. He was shot! I don't believe a 20 year old playing with a gun Russian roulette. Every DA and lawyer just talk about my son as if he is not a person. Glad holidays don't mean too much cause, I always told my children. "Everyday is a holiday" Be good to me now. Well, I have did nothing but work hard and loved my children. This is payback for doing right. I just don't understand. 7months without my Son!

There is nothing right about our situations. Putting on "the mask" is what we do when we need to. I do not look forward to life anymore. There is no "life" after loosing a child. We must believe what others say here, in that we will go through hell before we get to the other side of this grieving. They say it "softens" in time.

Will it?

Hey Jane, I certainly hope it does "soften", this is way too much!

Sending hugs and my love to everyone.

I hear each one of you.  What a mixture of emotions we live.

I try to figure this grief stuff out, and sometimes I think I have it under control, but it always returns full blown.  If it's any consolation, I do go through periods of okay days for which I am very grateful.  I have never gone a day without thinking of my son several times during the day, but some days I do okay with it.

This week has brought me back almost to the beginning with the emotions and crying spells.  Who knows what triggers it.  I have learned to just go through it and wait for some relief again.

I think our living/family circumstances can also play a part in our grieving process.  As time goes on, if there is harmony in the home it may not be as devastating all the time.  

I'm no professional.  These are just some of my personal thoughts.

I pray you all will have some peaceful days.  Hugs to all.

Karen, how are things going with your son's case?  I hope you will get some justice for your son and yourself.

You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.  Hugs. ❤

We all share the experience of grief and pain, so in my belief, it helps to know we're not alone. I look forward to reading each new post and feel disappointed when it's a long time between them.

The anxiety is so bad...I wait it out but it is hard. I had to face it when someone mentioned my handsome son. They could not believe he was gone. All I could say....I still can believe it either. He is 20 and it has been 7 months..I still listen for his truck. I wait for a text. I just sit and wait.

So sorry B. Milt :(

Hi Ammy, thanks for asking, that's so nice of you. Its very grueling, these depositions may go on til late August but I don't care, I will NEVER stop.

Longing and loneliness is a set of feelings common among bereaved parents. We suffered a great loss and feel that perhaps we should be feeling better and the loneliness can still haunt us. 

What can make dealing with loneliness so very isolating is that putting our feelings into words is hard. We want to define our pain in the hope that, through definition, some meaning might develop and help make sense out of why things happen the way they do. That is why grieving is so very individualized. But how do we explain the feeling of missing? How do we describe what no longer exists? 

There are good reasons why we have the feeling of loneliness more now than before. Our friends and some family members have returned to the routines of their lives. The telephone rings less frequently. At work, where recovery from broken-heartedness is expected to progress according to a time sheet, and life goes on. 

We want to progress through the longing, through the loneliness, to arrive at a place where the memory of our child is not emotionally disabling to us. It is not that we wait, frozen in isolation, before moving on. It is rather that we move through the longing, taking cherished memories with us, and go forward. 

To move through an agonizing time with growth in your healing is a painful process. Loneliness is painful too. Growth, though, holds more promise than longing. 

The encouraging thing about understanding our grief is that the experience of longing for your child can be as much about the future as it is about the past. This is what it means to live through the loneliness, to be able to endure while feeling the longing and at the same time move forward. 

Movement unfolds knowledge. You will find that knowing through or going through the loneliness will develop new insights. These include a deepening appreciation of your child and a fuller understanding of what it means to honor their life by how you live yours. 

The future may be frightening to us now; it is unknown and beyond our control. But the future may also hold better things than we can now imagine, always with the love and memories of the gifts of our children.

I just wanted to send prayers and hugs to all! Been a rough week.

Hi Linda, thanks for sharing.

Hey Celena , So sorry for your pain. What you said about this pain being so deep beyond anyone's imagination is so true. This pain makes not only makes us emotionally sick but physically as well, its like my heart literally aches and I feel like I've had a headache since 2009 when my son passed away, I still feel 'stuck' in that day, Oct 16, 2009. I still hate typing it, writing it, saying it or even thinking it....that my son actually passed away, I don't see how I will ever be able to accept and still don't know why I have to. I am so angry, I just want my son back, I want this all to be some kind of horrible mistake, I want it fixed!!! It's so difficult for me to share my true thoughts and feelings with any of the "lay people" so to speak, you know, the people that have not had to bury their child. I am glad that I have the support on this site but yet sad that such a site even exists. Sending you  hugs.

Celena,  the thing you wrote earlier about remembering and forgeting... that stuck in my head yesterday..... I almost wrote but did not until now... I read and respond in my head more than I write sometimes..... sorry... because I know how important it is to know someone has read your thoughts here....

FORGET/ REMEMBER....  I think we all worry that we are going to forget special moments or our child as time goes by.... or that if we hurt or grieve less or feel better that we will forget them.  We fight to hold each memory because that is all we have left.... memories.

My son died May 2009.   It has gotten softer the pain...but I still miss him.... My first husband died in 1983.  I still remember him but the pain is much less.  My life became a new book.... not just a new chapter.  Each experience has become a part of us... that creates who we are today.  Sounds like wisdom that I am writing.....

BUT  I still grab on to those Memories... Cherish them and worry that I may forget things....   My son was a challenge with his Autism... so I may even make more of my memories the pleasent ones..less of the stressful ones.

I still do not look forward to Mother's Day.... but I will put on my Happy Face for my other 2 adult kids.....

Last weekend my niece got married and I was happy to be able to attend. I was doing okay until the Mother/Son dance and the grief poured in like it had happened that day. It's been5 months and it's just harder. I sometimes think he will be home and with each day that goes by, it is clearer that I will never see him again or hear his voice call my name or laugh. I read another mom say that is like giving birth in reverse - it has a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual affect on us -

in reverse. But what hit home was that she said that when she was pregnant she would say she was eating for 2 and now that her child is gome she has to live life for 2. I strive to find the spiritual courage to somehow embrace my life again but am struggling. He was my only child and it has changed who I am. I am wondering how to get through this Sunday, my first Mother's Day without my sweet boy. I think we have to all remember that we are STILL their parent and celebrate that we had them in out lives for the time we did. Easier said than done however... sometimes I feel like I am just going to die from the grief. Thanks everyone for being here and sharing your journey. Thank God we at least have each other to lean on. I am sorry for the pain you are all going through.

Sending special hugs to you Connie.  This will be my 3rd Mother's day.  I found that as time goes by it gets harder.  Mainly I think the reason is due to the realization that our child is not here with us anymore.  My grief is different from what it was 2 years ago.  But it's still grief.  My heart will be forever broken.  So strange this week, I feel like my son's spirit is with me more this week.... kind of like just letting me know that his spirit is still around.  Missing him so much today.

It takes time and grief work and a commitment to find a new life for yourself. 

Be patient with yourself. Remember, you did not love for a few weeks, so do not expect to resolve your grief after a few weeks either.

Remember, love never goes away. It remains in your heart forever, and every day you can renew that love. 

And, someday, memories of your child will bring you warmth and joy again.

No Mother's Day flowers from you today
I'll instead place them on your grave.
No Mother's Day card can you send my way
I'll just savor the one's that I saved.
I'll sit here and think of the day you were born
and the joy that your life gave to me.
And thank the heavens for our moment in time
for as short as it had to be.
The sound of your laughter plays in my head
your love is deep in my heart.
As I sit and think of the day that you left
knowing were not really apart.
Only thoughts of you for Mother's Day
bittersweet smiles and tears.
Sending my love to the Heavens above
this day in my heart we will share.
Thank you for being my child
And I will say it out loud to everyone today that will listen.....

The world wants us to move on, but our child is a part of us forever. We had hopes and dreams and they were lost. We learn to live with the pain but there is still pain.

Even if I have living children, my heart still aches. I want to feel comfortable with my pain instead of having to act like it's not there.
I have two beautiful daughters, but today I still feel like a mother with empty arms. No other hugs can replace my son's.

I'm sorry but there is no "HAPPY" Mother's Day for me.

I hope you all are doing better than I.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers today.  ❤.█▄◎╲╱☰───

Today is a very tough day..... as each and every day is. I am so sorry for all of us who must live this nightmare. I am so sorry our children are gone. This is all just so very wrong.

Wishing special blessings today to all of us moms whose Mother's Day is bittersweet, knowing that a precious child of ours won't be here with us.

Mother's Day.... un eventful.... PEACE everyone.

First Mother Day without my son...I know I am not alone here online. I just never thought it would be my son. He was shot 7 months ago. Regardless of what situation he got himself in, I wished he was giving one more chance to rethink or as he wrote. "turn back the hands of time." I have two daughter's and I pretend all day that everything was okay. I held all my tears until they were not around me. Now, as I sit in my room the  tears finally flow. So, it is a happy day for me that

PRETEND IN FRONT OF FAMILY that everything was fine.

Adrianne, our sons will always be our Valentines. 

Yesterday was very difficult to handle but I did it. 

Ammy~you shared a great poster. Would you mind if I posted it to my Facebook page?

Hi Ann, If you are talking about the mother's day graphic you are welcome to it.  I got it from a friend on FB.

I am glad the weekend is over.  I was able to put on my 'happy face' for my daughters and grandchildren, but felt relieved when they left.  I hate pretending, but don't want them feeling bad either.

I hope all made it through with minor difficulty. (⌣̩̩́_⌣̩̩̀)

Yes it was the mother's day graphic. I too am glad the day is over. I was blessed to attend church with one of my daughters and her family. They had a lovely young girl who sang a song about her mother. Then on the overhead it showed she was no longer living. While I know the young girl missing her mother is not the same as hear, it helped some as you could easily have changed the words from mother to child.

God bless all ~ may His peace surround us and hold us!

Hi its very painful. I lost my only son, Shreyas in a road accident in Dubai..( dec23rd,2011) He was working there and 6 of them stepped out for lunch. On the way back their SUV skidded and turned turtle about 4 times.. The shock and the pain don't leave me. We were very close and would chat everyday though I am in India and he was in Dubai. He would come online sometimes just to show me that he was having a proper b'fast etc, so I would grin and watch.He was 27, marvelous  very intelligent, kind and so humorous. I still expect him to come walking through the door and smiling that quiet smile, so full of love. I'm trying to be brave, and send him my love about a 1000 times a day.I was working in a school as the vice principal and continued for a year after that. It all became too much and I took a break since Jan. Will have to join work soon I know. My parents live next door but nothing seems to be ok at all.I miss Shreyas so much, I keep talking to him in my head ( his nick name was Micky...he used to say I'm Micky . w/o the 'e') I feel for all of you who have lost their child.My prayers are with you all.

i lost my son feb 17,2013. I'm on depressing meds and aniexty meds. I'm so tired all the time. I have no energy for anything. Life sucks without my son here. I was admitted to a behavioral hospital for a week. Because I didnt want to go on. I have 2 daughters and i know i have to be there for them. I know everyone says you wont feel this way forever. But I don't see how i won't. I loss my only son and he was the baby. He was 20 when he passed. I'm so mad at him for leaving me here. It's a struggle everyday.

Michele, I lost my only son who happens to be my only child and I feel so very alone. I know the struggle you are facing. My son was 23, he died this past January. I never knew I could miss anyone as much as I miss him. I'm all alone now too. I don't care whether I live or die really. I am ready yo go be with him. I miss him so bad.

Shelley please don't give up on life, your son lives on through you. I am sorry for your loss and may God Bless You.