Sending hugs and my love to all.

Grace, it has been 6 month now. I will share my story with you. My husband and I has been married for over 20 years  Our only son was shot while at a friend...he left around 4pm and around 10 I go a call from my daughter that TJ was shot in the head. I went NUMB.The gir told us at the hospital waiting room that they were playing Russian roulette. "The olderst story in the book when someone been and no one want the blame. That Black Boy...Drug Free did not would not ever take a gun to his head...Mobile Police Department are the worst ever police. 'They never help us. They made us felt like """"Colored Folks"...and no time for them cause they don't know the right people, not enough money to prove their case....They send me there, there an everywhere.

The Difference

The only difference between choosing to live or to die is the ability to see tomorrow in today. I think when people are in the depths of the darkness today they did not have the glimmer of light for tomorrow. They just could not get out from under the pain of today to see the light. All they could see was the never-ending pain and sorrow that this day has bestowed upon them. Somehow in that darkness we have to push ourselves forward whether we stumble and fall or just reach inside ourselves for the strength to carry on. There will be days when we feel like we are in the endless nights of winter with no spring in sight. It will just be the brutality of the cold hard winter that brings with it stinging winds and frost.
It is in that cold dark place we live with the pain of losing our child. Somehow we must find away to survive that place. This is where it gets tough. We ourselves must bring the warmth and light of a new day. It will take the action of our choice that we ourselves most reach down with everything we have got to pull out the very reason to go on. And it is in that pulling out process, we must find the sweet memories, and moments in times we have shared. Times filled with never-ending dreams and hopes of a future cut short. Most of all we must reach down and pull out the beauty that lies deep inside the ruins of a broken soul, the beauty of which has yet to be uncovered and discovered.

We must look for the light in every day no matter how dark it gets. Remember it only takes the light of one small candle to light a whole room. It only takes one flicker of light to dispel a heart full of darkness. So always keep the light of hope in your heart today because you never know it might be someone’s torch for tomorrow that will light their path and lead them into their truth.

Linda.... Very eloquent words... sometimes it is so hard to push on....

Thanks for your story Milt.... so sorry of your story... And Natalie... I don't even have words to comfort you.... this is such a sad time for all of us...

it is a long and neverending road of grief ....

Linda

Your words speak the truth. Many have told us that we will one day find a way. It has been 4 1/2 months since I lost my 25 yr old daughter. She was diagnosed at the age of 18 with a terminal condition. I was her sole cargiver for 7 years until her death. Since her death I have been living in that cold dark place you speak of. I look forward to seeing some light.

Ann... the "Random Acts Of Kindness" Donations are from a Fund that I call the Niles Memeorial Fund.... I have held a benefit four years to raise money to help families living with special needs or medical conditions.... That is why this little boy who we just sent a donation too..hit home... he was at the hospital for siezures (Like My Son) and on a ventilator... the pictures just shook me into a flashback mode with memories..... The Fund does help me remember my son in a positive way..... also on his 18th birthday, I recieved a mailing that identified the Right Kidney recipient.... I have met the woman who has his heart....  just kind of "One Of those Days".... yet the strife in my marriage just magnifies my emotions...

I have really needed to be held and comforted.... yet my husband just seems so plastic... and with his lates betrayal of holding debt and covering it up... I just feel like I have no solid ground to stand on anymore....  My Mother and brother have hurt me when they say I should have had an abortion of this sone of 14 years (Because he was autistic) .... My husband being one thing to my face yet betrayal behind my back...  I just really feel like I have nothing stable in my life.... thus the Sinkhole.... I saw it swallow up that man in Florida... and the other coincidences since...and just yesterday a few cars in Chicago..... Ironic isn't it?    Life can just be so random and then all of a sudden everything you thought was firm ground just opens you up and swallows you....

Grace ~ I am so very sorry. :( I was not intending to say that the "Random Acts of Kindness" was less of what I had to offer. I was merely trying to offer other ways of coping. Sometimes, I come across as harsh and it is not at all what I mean. :(

Your mother and brother have no clue as to being there for you. You have a right to feel hurt and betrayed by them. I have an autistic granddaughter and would not trade her for anything in this world. I wish I could give you the hugs and comfort you need from a mother or sister. Please know that I am sending them to you. Forgive me for anything I may have said that hurt you.

Ann... I was not offended by anything you said at all... just explaining that I have given "Random Acts Of Kindness" in Niles' Memory.

Just really still a hard time.... so really wanted the new folks to know that It still is hard even 4 years later.    Thank You for your hugs and comfort...  I have reallly been needing them and not feeling sure of many things in my life right now.

Hi everyone, Adrianne, you couldn't have said it any better, it's NEVER going to get "easier". Every day that passes only reminds me that my son has not come home.

                Comment by B. Milt just now           Delete Comment            

B. Milt ~ I am sorry you are a member of this group. Please know you are in my prayers. Special hugs today.{{{hugs}}}

I keep coming to the site and all I do is stare at the screen and cry. 

I miss my son so bad I feel physically ill.  Just like most parents a part of me died that day.  I wish someone could tell me the perfect words to make the pain go away but I know no one can. 

I keep calling his phone knowing he will never answer. I look for him even though I know I'll never find him.

it has been nine months now my son has gone,in a couple of months it will be his birthday,holidays has come and gone and as each  one goes by a tear will run down my face cause i so wish he was here with me he would have been 40 this year,i so wanted to be the one to go and have him to live long and have children and marry the women he loved but life is strange how it plays out

I am so sad for all of us. Our child is gone. Life is empty. No one understands us. It is a dark place.

So much pain being expressed here.  I am worried for some of you.  Especially the newer members.  We do not want another Sandy here.  You that have been here longer know what I'm talking about.

I want to say that there isn't a morning and times throughout the day that I don't think of my son.  I expect it will always be this way, but for those of you that are new to this grief I will tell you that it will become less intense as time goes on.  Then on some days or even weeks it will become more intense again.  I guess that's why it's described by so many as a roller coaster ride.  Once you get on this roller coaster you can't get off, but you adjust to the ebb and flow.  You learn how to let yourself be sad knowing it will eventually ease.  At least I hope this will be your journey to some healing.  

I am only expressing my feelings and experience.  Others may not have the same, but I want to give you hope while you are feeling there is no hope.  Remember, it is sometimes one minute at a time, one hour at a time, or even a day.  Just go with it.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel at that moment.  To fight it only makes it harder.

I don't believe we all grieve in exactly the same way, but our loss is  the same.

I truly believe that my faith has helped me.  I know it's hard to have faith when something like this happens to us, but for those of you that do believe, lean on that faith knowing that one day we will be with them again.

Jane, you are right when you say no one that has had this loss understands.  Only we understand and we are here for you.  We are here (I hope) for each other; just as we are here for ourselves.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all each and every day.

Sending hugs.  ❤

Thank you Ammy. My daughter died Dec 2, 2012. I have been through her death and funeral, Christmas Day, Valentine's Day, Easter and tomorrow is her 26th birthday. Sometimes it seems too much to bear.

I am so sorry for your loss. Very tragic. You are very kind to take the time to help us that are newer to this process. Bless you.

Jane, know that we're praying for you, especially tomorrow, your daughter's birthday. I don't know yet from experience, but can only guess how difficult that day will be. I don't even know what to say...

Jane, I know that each holiday and birthday are extra hard and it does seem at the time more than we can bear.  I hope you have support.  It can be even more devastating when you are dealing with it on your own.  

Are you planning anything for tomorrow?  Some find it helpful to do a balloon release or something in remembrance.  Doesn't have to be anything big.  It can just be you if you find it helpful.

To be honest, I can't remember if we did it for my son's birthday or his 1 yr anniversary.  How sad is that?  They are only a month apart, but I just can't remember.  We did have some family here and some wrote notes and attached them to the balloons.  I, myself, could have done without it, but others wanted it.  I mentally and emotionally was not there.  Just went through the motions.

The one thing my husband and I did together was to plant a tree at one of the places where my son liked to fish.  That I wanted to do and it was just the 2 of us.  I can go there whenever I feel like it and be alone for awhile.  I find some peace there listening to the water flow and remembering the times I would go there and spend a little time with my son while he was fishing.  

My profile picture is the tree when we first planted it.  I tied a little white ribbon on it so I would be able to find it.  About 6 months later my husband came home one day and said someone had broken off the top of the tree where I had tied the ribbon.  I thought that was such a cruel thing for someone to do, but the tree has survived.  I haven't been there since last fall and I am looking forward to seeing how big the tree is this year.

You will find something when the time is right for you if you're not up to anything right now.  Don't feel pressured.  Whatever you do or don't do is for you.  You must come first right now.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and my heart is with you.  ❤

Michelle and Ammy, thank you both for having such big hearts. My heart goes out to both of you. You suffer but yet reach out to others. You have both suffered sudden loss. Your compassion has reached me. Thank you. I have planned a birthday dinner with my daughter's friends. I think that's why I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I never knew what real pain could feel like. And to think there are so many of us makes me shake my head and wonder how could this be?

Ammy, I loved reading about your tree tribute. How very peaceful.

Ammy ~ you expressed everything that needs to be said. Hugs!

Hey Adrienne, sorry for the delayed response. The answer is no., he is my oldest son but I have a younger son. There's about 6 years between them. I can imagine how losing your ONLY son would increase your pain.....sorry.

Hello everyone, Jane I know of that dark place you speak of. I wonder if I will ever truly have a brighter day. I haven't been on lately. My son's case is finally reaching the judicial process. I have to continue to be my son's voice. I need these entities to be held accountable for their reckless behavior that ultimately robbed my son's and my life.  Some of the new details that I am learning about what truly happened are so disturbing to hear because I have to sit quietly but I imagine my son is standing behind me with his hand on my shoulder, whispering, "thanks mom, they know what they did to me, hang in there mom for me". I focus on that as I discreetly sob and wipe my tears. It's so hard for me to contain myself as I look in their faces. I think to myself, wow, do they have children....which is funny because they absolutely REFUSE to answer that question when my lawyer asks. After them getting relentlessly grilled by my attorney, at least they can go home and hold and kiss their child/children. Their actions have left me forever broken.

Karen, I am so sorry for your very tragic loss. I'm sorry for what you must still go through. So very difficult.

My daughter was diagnosed at the age of 18 with an inoperable brain stem glioma. I was her sole care giver for the next seven years.

I can't sleep and my mind replays over and over the horror of what she went through. It never stops. I feel so bad for her.

I feel so bad for all of us.

I appreciate everyone sharing their pain.

You are all such compassionate people.

Thank you

Jane, my daughter arranged a family dinner for my Michael's birthday.  It was difficult for me but I was surrounded by love and support.  His actually b-day was during the week so I was able to grieve privately, thank God cause it wasn't pretty, but come the weekend I was surrounded by those that loved him and loved me.  I was very proud of my daughter for doing it.  I won't lie and say it won't make you sad but at the same time it will give you some comfort knowing others share your love for your daughter. 

Jane, I just wanted to wish your daughter a Happy Birthday! Peace to her mom on this bittersweet day. Sending prayers.

Thoughts and prayers are with you today Jane.  May you be blessed with loving memories even though you will be hurting.  One more thing for you to go through and come out okay.  There is a saying that says you don't get over grief, you get through it.  Each occurrence we deal with in our grief is another one we get through.  So, yes, I agree that we never get over it, we just keep getting through.  Hugs.   ❤

Karen, I didn't realize there was an investigation into your sons accident.  Maybe you didn't express it or I missed it.  This must be so hard for you. Stay strong.  I love how you feel your son with you - encouraging you.

I hope it all goes well and swiftly.  May good conquer evil.   ❤

Thank you everyone for your kindness. Today feels very strange. Your thoughts have helped me.

Well last Friday the 19th marked six months since our son went home to be with Jesus and the family members who had gone before him. It was a very hard day for me and I cried most all day. I still cannot believe he is gone. I wish every day that this is all a horrible dream that I am having trouble waking up from. I was always so proud of him because he always said that when he had childern it would be when he found his forever lady and they married so I have no grandchildern from him to give my love to or tell them how much their daddy was loved. My husband and I are looking to buy a house on the other side of town so that we will not have to drive past the spot where he died that morning when he wrecked his truck. Every day  I cry when leaving to go to work and then as soon as I get on that road coming home I start crying again. Then I am torn about moving his stuff to the new home this was the home he knew. I would have given anything to take his place that day. He still had his whole life ahead of him. I am having the hardest time as to why he had to die.

If your child died suddenly, you probably are suffering extreme feelings of bewilderment, anxiety, self-reproach, and depression. You had no preparation and no time to gradually absorb the reality that the world was about to change dramatically.

There was a sudden destruction of the world you used to know. There was no gradual transition, nor time to make changes in yourself, your expectations about your life, or your world. In sudden death you are called upon to face a massive gap between the way the world should be, with your child alive, and the way the world is.

Your sense of the world and of control is assaulted. After a sudden death, the loss does not make sense. The critically important understanding of what happened is missing. The sudden shock of losing your child without warning so stuns us that we cannot comprehend what has transpired. Consequently, if your child died suddenly, you may be unable to grasp the situation and find it difficult to understand the implications of the loss. 

Because you were not prepared for the death and it had no understandable context, you will try to deal with your lack of anticipation by putting the loss into a series of events. You may find yourself looking back at the time leading up to the death and searching for clues that could have indicated what was to come. This tendency to reconstruct events in your mind in order to allow for some anticipation of the death is quite common. It is an attempt to restructure what happened so that it seems you had some inkling that the death was going to occur.

However, problems arise when you hold yourself responsible for not perceiving cues that were actually either imperceptible or nonexistent prior to the death. Frequently bereaved parents react emotionally and respond to what they perceive as unmet responsibility. One bereaved parents I spoke to, felt inordinate guilt for many years for not recognizing that her child had been having difficulty coping with life.

If you have lost a child from sudden death, you know that you had no chance to say good-bye and no opportunity to finish unfinished business with your child. 

We wish that we could have known in order to say and do what we wanted to; we wish we could have just one more brief moment with our child to tell them we loved them.

Sending blessings and hugs to each one of you.  ❤

Shirlee, I completely understand all your emotions.  I think we all go through a variety of them in the first years.  The denial and hope that this is not true.  The torment because it should have been us and not them.  Leaving their home, packing up their belongings.  These things put us through another emotional roller coaster.

It took me 2 years before I could take the sheets off of my son's bed. I know my family thought I was being extreme, but in the very first days my daughter came and said we needed to pack up his clothes and throw the older ones away.   I so regretted doing that a few weeks later that I became paranoid about anything of his.

Six months is still fresh and very hard.  Your emotions are 'normal'.  It's good to share your thoughts and feelings.  It may help in some way.  Especially knowing that you are not alone in them.

Many things still bother me, but I am better able to cope with them now most of the time.

I found writing about my feelings to be somewhat helpful, I even made a memorial page on Facebook.  I would post something there every Wednesday.  It was like I was visiting him.  I recently closed the page to the public, but I still visit it.  Some might say it's crazy, but it works for me and that is what we need to find ... what works for us. I also read articles that others have written about this grief.  Things similar to what Linda posted.  Just knowing we are not alone in this helps me at times when I need more help.  I hope you will find something that will help you to also get through the days.

Sharing something I made to express the regret I had about packing up my son's things just days after he left us.

Ammy ~ what a beautiful poem. It so expresses not only your love for your son, but what many of us feel.

One of the first things we do when planning a trip is to get out the map and find the directions to our destination. We want to
know what cities we will pass through, what landmarks to look for, what kind of highways we will be traveling, and how long it will 
take to reach the place where we are going. 

If only we could do that with grief. Grief has no map to follow. Everything on this journey we call grief is new, uncharted territory. We don’t know what kind of weather we will be facing. We have no idea where to find rest stops along the way. We don’t know if anyone will be traveling with us. And, we have no clue how long this trip will take. We don’t even know where we are going! 
When we have no map to follow, the journey feels so frightening and lonely. We don’t look forward to each day with excitement 
and anticipation, but rather with fear and uncertainty. Only one thing can help us make this trip, and that is to grasp hold of some 
hope. 

Hope is buried deep inside the soul of every person, and it seems to know exactly the right moment to appear. A rainbow painting the sky with a brilliant array of colors. The twinkling stars that light up the evening sky. The peaceful sound of the waves gently rolling onto shore. An unexpected gentle hug from a caring friend. 

All are reminders that we have not been left alone to travel this journey of grief.

Linda,

What a great analogy comparing this grief journey to a trip. To me when my husband all of a sudden wants to go away for the weekend and I have had zero time to do the research about where to go, what to do, and prices, I find the trip  very stressful. With the grief journey, you have no idea what to expect. When my father in law passed, even though we knew it was coming  since Hospice had tactfully helped us understand what was happening, the call was a shock.  I did not know that your body could react in such a physical way - I had what was only comparable to a terrible stomach virus for about 3 days. I don't like this journey but I find that reaching out to others, helps me. Thank you for your words of "together we travel this unwanted road".

Brenda

Brenda

Linda, thank you for sharing that description of grief.  It really is true.  We have no idea where we are going on this trip, but I know it is one we would ever choose to be on.

Blessings and hugs to all.  ❤

Somehow the funeral arrangements, the memorials, the flowers and condolence cards arriving take on a momentum that gets us through those first few weeks. When all that comes to an end, the stark reality of the loss sets in with a vengeance. We're faced with the rest of life without our precious child. It's beyond devastating.

Thinking of you all with a caring heart.  

Let us know how you are.

Blessings & hugs to each one of you.   ❤

Praying for each of you today. With Mother's Day around the corner each of us will need the extra care and hugs. Praying all of you have someone who will give you a special hug that day!

A poem to my son...7month I have not talked to you now!

Every Breath I take...every Step I make will be for you T.J. You left me here alone..I am sorry I was not their to protect you.  You are my heart; my soul, and I know you always protected me every time I called. I don’t have no one to call on now. I hope you are warm and alright until we meet again. My

only son

B. Milt ~ sending a hug your way.  Please take care of yourself.  ❤

Dear B. Milt, I just want to send you a hug, I totally can relate to your poem....so sorry, so sorry that any parent has to experience this.

Special days of any kind can be especially difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of a child. 

The first year following the death of a child is often filled with 
days of dread and fear when anniversary dates and holidays approach. 

Mother’s Day is a holiday that is one of the most dreaded holidays of all. A mother grieving the loss of her precious child often spends weeks in fearful waiting of the day, wondering how she will ever make it through. 

There is no real way of avoiding Mother’s Day. The stores are filled 
with gifts made and designed especially for mothers and children. Advertisements for gifts on the radio and in the newspaper bombard us every day for weeks prior to Mother’s Day. Card and flower shops experience their busiest season of the year on Mother’s Day. Reminders of this special holiday are 
everywhere.

There is an empty ache that becomes increasingly more evident as the day approaches and there seems to be no way to find relief. 

It is wise to share these feelings with other bereaved parents and friends rather than to avoid the topic. By sharing how you feel, 
you can alert others to be more sensitive to your needs during this painful day of sad reminders. 

Remember that this is not a time to worry about hurting other’s feelings but, rather, a time to make your wishes known. 

Remind yourself often that there is no right or wrong way to handle 
Mother’s Day. Some mothers have found it helpful to go away on a mini weekend trip, totally avoiding any family gatherings that will be too painful to attend.

Other mothers choose to do something special in memory of their child. Many choose to use Mother’s Day as a special day to plant a flower or tree in memory of their child who has died. 
Seeing something growing is often a visible reminder of the ongoing love a mother has for her child. 

Whatever you choose to do, remember not to set expectations too high for the day. Plan to do something that is healing for you, but realize that you will still experience a wide gamut of emotions and many tears will fall. 

By planning ahead for Mother’s Day, you have already crossed a big hurdle in your walk.. Telling others that this is going to be a difficult day for you is a way of building up a support system that will help you get through the day. 

Remind yourself often that you will make it through Mother’s Day and, when you do, you will be one step farther along in this 
difficult journey we call grief.