I think of that newer country song that sings ...."in my heart you will always be 18... and dancing  away with my heart"  Only for me it is 14.

Niles also had Autism and was cognitively impaired .... so even his 14 was younger than others 14......

I got my sons autopsy report today and the sick images of him being on their table and them doing the things I know they did to him make me want to die. I miss him so much.  He was amazingly amazing, beautifully beautiful, and heavenly heavensent while being imperfectly perfect. Why and how can I go on?

Shelly:~ I know it is hard right now.  No words can really ease your pain. I could tell you all of the so called "helpful" things that others tell you. But to be honest, none of us want to be members in this group. Any one of us would gladly be any where else than here. For me, though, it has helped having my faith and church family. Is there anyone you can go to to talk with in person? Was there anyone with you when you read the autopsy report? I commend you for reading it so soon. I could not read my son's report for almost 6 months. Even then I had people with me "just in case" I needed extra support. If you are willing, I would be happy to talk with you. You can email me anytime. You asked why and how can you go on? I can only give you the reason why I do ---- I go on for other children, grand children, and great-grand children. Yes, there are the aches knowing I will never have these things from my son, but I am grateful for having him for the time I did. There are NO wrong or right ways to grieve in your life. Each person is different and grieves at different stages. Some days are better than others. It is on the better ones that I can smile at the memory of my son. I cry my eyes out on the bad days knowing his is no longer on this earth. But like I said, I am willing to talk anytime to help, just give me a jingle.

Dear shelley

 I am so sorry for your pain. I still have not been able to look at my son's autopsy report. He was killed in a car accident as a passenger. It is just something that is so hard to do and it took a lot of courage on your part.

My son's birthday is this Sunday and he would have been 18. And the person driving has finally been charged and we have to go to court this Friday and I don't want to see any pictures. It is all just too much. Too much. Even after 4 months I can not believe he is gone. I am so sad I cannot stop crying. I try to be strong because I know that's what he would want but it is physically debilitating for sure sometimes. I know how it feels to not want to go on. My family wants us to come for Easter dinner but I don't even think we can. My husband is getting a tattoo that day because he had promised my son that they would do it together on his 18th birthday. It's gonna be a tough week and life without him but thank God I had him. I just wish you some peaceful moments when his spirit is with you and want you to know you are not alone.

i believe the hardest thing to loose is a child i dont my self have any idea of how to go about getting my son autopsy report something i know i would like to have cause i know he had a rare form of cancer and cure rate wasn't good but don't know how so if any one knows please help me before it get to late he has been gone 9 months pleaseeeeeeeeeee

Hello Linda, I am not sure but maybe contact your city or county's medical examiner office. This is all so crazy. I have nightmare's about my son's exam. I guess everyone has different reasons for why they need/want it. I sympathize with you because it was something so rare, that's just awful. I read a couple of pages of my son's but after that, it made me emotionally and physically sick....if I saw pictures, I would just die. Sending hugs to everyone.

Connie~my hugs to you especially this week. I would recommend going to your family gathering. If it gets to be too much you can always leave. But, you may find it rewarding as well. Talk about your son with family. Remember the good times you had.

Linda~ Karen had a good solution. Since your son was under the care of a doctor, you might also want to check with him/her in getting a copy as well. Hugs to you!

I read the medical records from the ER and all the way through to where he was then named "Organ Donor"..... for almost a year I dreamed of the Organ Harvest and of us leaving the hospital with him still laying in the ICU Bed.... I also dreamed about Cremation.... horrible !!! Sometimes I am afraid to talk about what has been in my mind because I feel like they may lock me up.    I still have flash backs... I still feel pain...  And after almos 4 years... I can not believe he is gone... or feel guilty that I have still gone on.... somewhat.   I have had some good days....but I alway think about him and miss him.

Hello everyone, Grace, oh my goodness, I have horrible visions of my son's organ harvest also! Mainly because of my guilt and regret for even allowing it, I now feel like I gave in too soon...it was only a week. I do understand that there are some parents that are ok with making that difficult choice and that's fine but now I constantly feel like I was a part of his demise, especially when I hear or read about someone who had my son's prognosis of being brain dead with no chance of recovery, recovering. Some people say that if he had recovered, he probably would not have been the same and maybe he would've been angry with me for that outcome but my selfish need to have my son here with me makes me feel like the gamble would have been worth it. Now I want him back!!!!! NOT later, right NOW!!! My son passed away in Oct 2009. I was hoping that the harvest would just be like a surgery, since I only consented for them to take ONE kidney, I was hoping he would recover and come with me because I rationalized that he could still live with only 1 kidney.....sounds crazy but thats what I really believed, I was hoping that he would have a miracle and prove all the docs wrong.

Thanks for letting me express my thoughts.

It's not that I'm afraid to read the autopsy report just don't want to see any pictures that will make everything harder. I am just glad he didn't suffer - that it was quick. I guess I would be more interested in reading the report if I didn't know what had killed him - a blow to the head from a steel post at 60 miles an hour. I wish everyone hope and prayers going through this.

I read an article today - "What they don't tell you about grief."  The writer lost her mother, but I think the last paragraph fits so well ...

BTW ~ In the state of PA, for autopsy reports I think you could ask your family doctor to request it (no fee), or you can request it from the medical examiner/coroner but they charge you per page.

Also, in our state, after 1 year it becomes public record at the court house.

I would first ask family doctor.  Call and find out if you want it.

Just posted my weekly post on my son's page.  I really feel like I have to focus on quitting this, but I don't know why exactly.  Couple of reasons bounce around inside my ditzy head.

Love & hugs all. 

Today I got a letter from the man who recieved  Niles' Right Kidney.... I think we will contact each other.  He is Married with Children and his name is Stuart.   I have met the Heart recipient and have become friends with her...  I guess I am happy that we did the Organ Donation but I still had the dreams of the actual harvest.... over and over.... and the cremation process...  My imagination...because I really have not seen these ..... except maybe when it is addressed on TV.

I also had dreams that I had somehow misplaced my son and was in a continual search to find him.  Maded me feel like a mother dog looking for a missing puppy.

Karen.... I lost my husband in 1983 and also my son....  both were with irreversible brain injury/death....  It is so hard to walk out of that room.... they still look the same.... hard to believe that some one can pronounce that they are dead.... like turning off a light switch....just like that...  And we still see THEM... as our child...laying there... we should be taking them home...not leaving them there....  It is so hard to accept....  even after 4 years.

Thanks Grace and I am also very sorry for the loss of your husband. Thanks for everyone's support and love.

yesterday i  received a card from the hospital where my son died that ask me to attended a memorial in his honor as well as other who have past in the last year of cancer,was also ask to bring something to remember him by.last time i did this was 20 yrs ago when i lost my little girl it killed me then so i am asking if anyone thinks i should do it know,they play always the circle of life and that's where i loose it.and as it was said here its another empty holiday filled with memories but my plans is to have a picture taken wearing our shirts with the caption always remember but never forgotten.

Linda- we went to the memorial at the hospital that Ivy died. Everyone was crying. I personally think its a good thing. I think I tend to bury my grief so it was good for me to deal with it head on. Hang in there. Its killed me to lose one child, I can't even begin to imagine losing two.

Just wanted to send everyone a hug.    

Ok.... Easter Done... dishes washed tomorrow is Monday.... It has been a very stressful week....

Ammy, thanks for the hug!

yesterday was unbelievable i have two remaining kids in my life age 38 and 37 and i see destruction coming there way but as i remind them of what i have lost already it seems to be a joke,the lost of there brother was enough and took its toll on me and i see them destroying there own life,but they act as though i have no idea when in fact they don't. they act like they are untouchable but if i say anything i am in the wrong i get were grown yes they be but a parent worries and in my kids case they don't care.am i to over proactive due to the lost of my first born do i step back,and watch i need help.if i say any more to them they push me away,

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to share a personal project with you in the hope that it might help you in some way.

A close friend of mine was suddenly killed in early 2012, and in the aftermath, it occurred to me that there are limited online places to commemorate someone with your family and friends - so I built www.memorypins.org as a place to remember Rachael and for others to remember loved ones that they have lost.

The site allows you to set up a board in remembrance of someone, that anyone can post to , and also allows people to choose a charity close to their loved one’s heart that everyone can donate to.

I hope it helps in some small way to bring your memories of your loved ones together.

If you have any thoughts or questions I would be happy to answer them on this forum or my email: paddy@memorypins.org.

Best wishes,

Paddy

well folks I am having a really bad days.....and I find that I feel alone in all of my feelings....  this has seemed to be the only place I can vent....

My son will be dead for 4 years in May.... his birthday will be mid April... he would be turning 18.

My family is a shambles.  I seriously think my marriage has failed... we have had sex only 1 time in more than the 4 years since my son has died... did not have much before... but now for these last years I feel emotionally empty.... and it is my husband who is not in the "Mood"... ever.   I feel like I have had nothing to lean on or to comfort me...  He has lied straight faced about finances.... ran up debt and has only confessed because he knew he was about to be caught....

My family (Mother and Brother) have told me I should have had an abortion instead of having my dead son who lived 14 years with Autism....

I feel like I have NO ONE I can turn to or trust anymore.  I feel so betrayed by the people I feel I should have been able to count on the most. 

It seems like since I found this site... it has helped give me a place where I can talk anonomously with maybe people who might feel this pain.

Because of the lies... I feel so betrayed by my family... I do not feel "Safe" to trust anyone with my feelings.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent...

wondering if I should divorce and feel my whole life has unraveled.

Grace- are you getting any kind of help-ie counseling or going to a support group? Have you tried marriage counseling? We went to a support group called Compassionate Friends and it helped us a lot. They have chapters all over the US. You can look up their website. It just helps to talk about things with people who understand. I think all of us on here agree that you are right in not getting an abortion. I'm sorry people have to say such hurtful things. hang in there(:

Paddy, thanks for sharing, I will check it out.

Grace, you are not along. It has been 6 months now that my only son was shot. I know the girl that he was with is covering up why my son was shot. She told us at the hospital that they were playing Russian roulette. I know she knows more and will tell us. He had not reason to play with a Gun in that manner.

My husband and I have grown apart. I find no desire to be close with him now. He refuses to talk and I will not be a warm tool for him to use at night. I want to cry and I know it breaks him down to see me sad, but I cant help it. I am just looking and waiting on someone to tell me how to act but no one will or can. I have a battle fighting for my job and I have double troubles. My husband has run up bills too on top of all what we have to fight. I don't feel the same even though we been together for over 20 years....I lost my husband and son at the same time....but my husband is now a room mate.

Berma... I also feel like my marriage is a room mate situation... and I just don't think he cares one way or another....  Our 25 th anniversary is May 28.... our son died on May 27 2009. 

My husband was in charge of him while I went to the store and left him unattended and he drank so much water that his sodium level dropped and caused the siezure that sent him to the hospital that gave him the drug he was allergic to that caused his ultimate death.

Now with his selfish careless financial actions he only continues to betray my faith and trust.   and he remains silent... there is just no fight left for this marriage it seems .....

revived my son's autopsy report today no pic thank god.such big words for what is cancer but to the extent of it i did not know it went from his chest(lungs) to his spline i guess you could say he never had a chance but it helped me under stand hat happen to my son don't get me wrong i cried and help those papers as if it was him himself but did help so thank you to those who told me to pursue this issue another something to have of him  

These words are so true, and some days I would like to scream them at some people.  The rest of the world will never understand what we are living unless it happens to them, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had one).  Some times I think I would like for them to have to live it for a week so they would wake up and realize that this loss never leaves us, but I know it won't happen so I try not to judge them or think about them as it only makes me more miserable.

I feel all your pain.  I understand the marriage problems as I have read that the loss of a child will either bring you closer or farther apart.  I am in limbo (so to speak) when it comes to my marriage.  I'm here and I'm not going anywhere for now.  It's just another part of my existence.  My husband is a great and loving man so I try hard to be here for him, but I really feel numb.  I know I have some anger towards him for some of the things he said about our son when he was alive, but I know he is suffering the loss now and maybe feels guilty.  I don't bring it up because the conversation may get out of control and I will say hateful things.  And we all know that once said, it can never be taken back.  We are already destroyed enough.

I'm not sure, but maybe mothers versus fathers grieve differently.  Your husband's actions may be a result of their grieving.  Just a thought I had.

I send blessings to each of you that it gets easier.  I think that is all we can hope for.

Hugs ~ ·٠•●♥ †

That was beautiful Ammy. This is so very difficult and yet you took a moment for the rest of us.

Wow! thanks for sharing that Ammy! That really says it all.

I love this too Ammy. People CAN'T understand this profoundest of grief unless they have experienced it. It is maddening when everyone thinks you should be adjusting. It just gets harder and harder for me. It's been 4 months and I just can't imagine this pain for the rest of my life but don't see how I can ever feel any other way.  And the crazy thing is I feel guilty sharing this lovely writing with those people because I don't want to make THEM feel bad, even though many may appreciate it. I don't know - it's all crazy.... Love and prayers to you all.

It there a way to copy this from the site?

Hi Connie, I copied and pasted it, then I typed it in big bold letters, printed it and then took it to staples to make it just about poster size and had them laminate it. It's going to be on my wall in my house for everyone to see. My daughter was upset when she saw it and didn't think I should hang it up....that's exactly why I'm displaying it!

For all parents who have experienced the death of a child. A place to keep memories of your child alive and to share through your journey of grief

https://www.facebook.com/TheGrievingParent?fref=ts

 My name is Natalie ... im 24 yrs old and I had my beautiful son on Feb. 13, 2013. It was the live changing moment ive been longing for my whole life. He was my everything... so small, so precious. On march 30,2013 he got his wings to be with all of the other angels in heaven. Its very difficult for me to understand.. but I have to remember and tell myself ive gotta keep moving forward. I have 3 stepsons ( my fiancé is much older than myself). My 15 yr old son was laying down with his brother and ended up falling asleep and rolling ontop of him. It was a tragic accident that I know he didn't mean to do. My strength comes from keeping it together for him. His 15 yrs old and has the weight of the world on his shoulders. hes an outstanding athlete and my only concern now is that this will lead him to a dark place. I have faith that me and my family can make it through this one day at a time as long as we stick together and be there for one another. now it just seems like a dream that I had a son for 6 weeks. like a fog or something. I know he was my angel who changed me into a greater woman I could've ever imagined being. im forever grateful for that... its just im still in shock and cant belive my beautiful baby is gone. Please keep me and my family in your prayers throughout this difficult time. Most importantly Eric Jr. He needs it right now... I couldn't even imagine whats going on in his head.. thanks and god bless

My son, Michael never went unnoticed.  I miss him so bad it makes me sick.  They say I'm strong and then proceed to tell me what they would be doing if it was them.  They say they can only imagine the pain I feel, while I think "no you can't". They remind me I have a daughter who needs me, like I don't know that.  They try to distract me when I speak of him, which only makes me feel as though they are trying to forget him.  When asked how I'm doing, I say I won't lie I'm hurting.  They say he wouldn't want me to hurt. Are you kidding me.  All of us know the list goes on and that each of us feel as though no one understands.  We are, or at least I know I am, enduring the greatest loss anyone can experience.  I miss him more today then yesterday.

Tomorrow  April 17... Niles would be turning 18.... but is forever 14.... I wonder if anyone else will notice..... yet i have been thinking about him for forever....

I can truely relate Teresa....

Grace ~ special hugs for you today! Happy Birthday to Niles who should have turned 18.

Natalie & Teresa, I'm sorry for your loss and sorry you've had to join this group.  If life was perfect none of us would be here, but it isn't and some have bigger crosses to bear than others.  Why?  I don't have the answer to that one yet, but I have learned that most of us somehow do go on.  We don't forget, we don't stop hurting, and we always miss our child.  I hope you find strength and peace.

As always ... this group is in my prayers.  ❤

Grace, I can't be there with you today, but you are in my thoughts and prayers as you remember Niles on his birthday.  I pray that you have some kind and gentle memories.  ❤

Thank You Ammy.... It has been so difficult... my marriage has been like a big sinkhole.... I feel like there is no solid ground anywhere around me.... I cryed today...big snotty crying.... I miss that kid so much.  He will always be 14 and never turn 18 like he should have today.  

With Sandy Nook and the Boston Child death..... and some local special ed person and I also gave Random Act Of Kindness to a family who has a child in the hospital... I looked at his picture in the hospital bed in a diaper...like my Niles was and I just have flashbacks.....

I find myself yelling at myself to stop thinking....   want to shut my brain off... I sing a song to myself and try to put on a Happy Face while Pushing all of this emotion and stuffing it away inside....

don't think... stop thinking..... sing a song... think happy thoughts....

Yet I feel like the sinkhole is swallowing me....  and my husband has not provided any ancore...   My marriage is dying and I have all of this need and I am soooo Empty.

Grace~ don't try to hold in your emotions. In the words of a dear friend of mine "it will drive you batty". We all grieve at different levels and for different lengths of time. Your child is forever 14 in your thoughts. Have you thought about celebrating his birthday by "adopting" a needy child in his name? NOT that the adoptive child will in any way replace your son PLEASE do not think this. I am just giving food for thought on ways to help and this was one that helped me. Each year for my son's birthday I buy a gift and take it to our local family shelter. There they find a child who needs the gift and it is given in the name of my son as an Angel Gift.

A thought for you marriage ~ have you and your husband "really" talked about the death of your son to each other? How my husband and I managed was to write down our feeling about ourselves regarding the death of our child. In other words, I wrote how I felt on paper and he did the same. We then sealed them in an envelope and mailed them to each other. We could not open them except in private. What I found out was my husband was blaming himself for not being more of a husband and father. This exchange gave us a chance for our marriage to survive. We have continued this little ritual on the anniversary of our son's death to state how we feel each year that he has been gone.

While these are no way cures, they might help. Our prayers are with you and your family.

Hello Natalie, I am so sorry for the loss of your child and for what your poor son must be going through. This is awful! I also, unfortunately know someone that had a similar experience. Her baby was being watched by her mom...the baby's grandmother. She kept her grand baby overnight and placed the baby in the bed with her, she rolled over and suffocated her grand baby. She also found it in her heart to forgive her mom. Is your son getting some type of intervention, do you know if he shares his thoughts or feelings with anyone? This is so tragic, I could only imagine the dark place he must be in. I definitely know the pain that you are in from losing your child as well. I am just about at a lost for words, so sorry, wish I could give you and your son a hug but most of all, I wish we all lived in a perfect world where none of these tragedies happened and a world where NO parent would ever come to know this type of pain.  Sending you 'cyber' hugs.