I feel like like you do Sophia, this is beyond sad.

Hello everyone. It has been awhile since I have wrote but have kept up with reading everyone's post. The holiday's have come and gone but still so many 1st coming since losing my daughter and granddaughter. Day to day seems to becoming more of a struggle. Seeing my son over the holidays helped but when your family ignores the pain you are in and says it is time to move on is worse.  Can they not understand this wound will never heal.

May 2009..... Niles died..... and he was 14 and No .... I am not  "Over It"  I move forward but I still slide back.   I smile and laugh but there are still plenty of days I will fall apart and cry.   It amazes me how IGNORANT people can be in making such cruel comments.  I have had many.... many from my own mother.... and siblings.   I have not spent time thinking about the holidays... trying NOT TO EXPECT Merry or Happy..... Just trying to count off the time....while I still go through the motions....

This year the Heart Recipient of my son's heart facebooked a photograph of the Rose Bowl Rose that was placed on the Organ Donation Float.... It was such an honor to have her Remember and Honor my Son..... I posted it and got more comments from her friends and family than I did mine.... it was like all my folks thought if they were silent then I would not hurt so bad..... instead I just feel like everyone wants me to forget I even had a son..... Well I felt so loved and respected by his heart recipient....  and I watched the parade (I normally don't pay attention)  and only a distant few of my folks made minimal comments.... when My husband and I saw the float..... yes  I cried.... is that so wrong to feel so moved that someone valued the existence of the life of my Niles?     This wound never heals....just maybe scabs....but can easily be re-opened.

Grace, if anything good can come from our losses, I am happy you got to feel this love from the recipient of your son's heart.  It doesn't take away your loss or your grief, but you are so right when you say that Niles' life was of value.  All our children had value.  I don't care who they were or what they accomplished they were of value.

People just don't get it and I don't think they ever can unless they some day walk in our shoes and stumble along our path.  

I feel blessed reading your post.  Thanks for sharing and I'd love to see the pic.  Maybe you could post it here.  God bless.

so good to visit here where people understand. I am thinking of moving out of my apartment into another place where I can share expenses with a friend. I need to do this, however, my apartment is where I took care of my son Silas when he was sick with cancer. He installed the tv on wall of bedroom I have slept in since he passed on. I still have frozen corn dogs in the freezer from when he was going through chemo. I feel like a crazy woman; I can't imagine packing everything up and leaving here. It feels like loss all over again. Has anyone else experienced this? sending hugs to all

This rose below was placed on the Donate Life Float for the Rose Bowl Parade by Niles Heart Recipient....

The rose was placed in the lower pink area of the heart and this was the front of the float.    again... it feels so good to know he has not been forgotten...

Grace, what a beautiful tribute to your son.  The rose and the note was very touching. 

Grace, this is very touching and emotional even for me.  What a lovely note from Terri.  Thank you for sharing with us.  My heart is with you.  I am thankful for your blessing.  Hugs.

Thank You all for caring... Niles died May 2009..... and now it seems as if the whole world has "Moved On" and it is hard for them to acknowledge that I still miss him.... I have heard other people even talk about a relative who lost her husband a few months after Niles died that they wished that Mom would get Over It and Move on... they had lost an infant at birth and still remember but feel that she is just grieving for "Attention"  I feel bad for Mom because I know I still get Choked up for the loss of my first husband ... and that was 30 years ago....   and I still have a disbelief of what I have gone through in life.... and my son was 14 years old with special needs of Autism... and I think it is different than losing a child at birth.... I still hurt and I am not OVER IT after more than 3 years.....  I still Cry and I still have memories of the difficult times and also of some precious times....  I still can't believe that he is gone..... 

I read so many of you who are still NEW in this grief... and just know that the years go by and then you wonder if anyone really cares any more.... like they say they do at the funeral...

Yes, I am painting Danny's old bedroom not because I am trying to erase any memory, it has been planned for years. It does not feel right, but is necessary. Yep the world will continue forward after we are gone. Sad.

Moving forward is harder then it sounds. I know its 3 years since my oldest son died.   what was left of my brain after that is now gone all together with the passing of one of my twins. The legal issues are about over. this kid slammed a car into the bucket of an endloader there was 3 men having a break . Derek too the brunt and died od a head injury one guy was critical today i have anger I have been asked to do an impact statement i am having anxiety  need prayers.

Impact Statement..... What a concept..... How could one even begin to articulate that?   good Luck Susan...... Prayers sent.

Susan, I'm so sorry.  You can do it.  Will be praying for you to have strength.  When is the date?

Well it is the beginning of a new year. I don't know about anyone else but I actually had a harder day yesterday than the actual holidays. The holidays I had my kids and grandkids here, so I was able to put on the happy face and enjoy my time with them. Yesterday my husband and I took down all the Christmas decorations, and it was like a slap in the face. Another holiday and Zach did not come walking through the front door. It just really hit me hard yesterday. Like several of you have said, this grief is something that I will never be over. I never know when it is going to hit, I will just see something and then bam it feels like I have been punched in the chest and all the air has been sucked out of me. The sermon at my church today was "How to respond to the unfairness of life." I told my pastor that it is so strange how he always seems to touch on what I am struggling with. He talked about how sometimes we have really bad things happen in our lives but that there might be others who later will go through the same thing and be watching us to see how we are handling it. Just within the last four months or so I have had three friends lose a child. I have to admit that I do feel like they are watching how I am dealing with it. I continue to pray, and ask others to pray, that I am able to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That I continue to survive this. Some days I would like to just stay in bed and pull the covers up over my head and just stay there. There are moments when I just want to give up, so that I could be with Zach again, but I know how much pain that would cause my daughters and granddaughters. I could never do that to them. So I continue to pray, and pray for all my friends who are grieving the loss of a loved one. I have to believe that I will be with Zach again some day, and that he is watching from above saying "you can do this Mom." I can't do it alone, that I do know. So to all who have prayed for me and my family, I thank you. I could not do this, God has done for me what I cannot do for myself. One day at a time, one moment at a time. Hugs. Robin

Hello to all, I still struggle with my anger over 'ignorant'/'cold' statements from my close family also. They all want me to "move on". Sometimes I want to scream in their faces and ask them what the hell does moving on mean!!!! Always coming from someone who is not walking in my shoes. All they make me do is hide my true feelings from them. Sometimes I wish I could just isolate myself from everyone. How does anyone GET OVER losing their child....you just live a different way. I still have waves of guilt if I laugh or listen to music that I use to love and forget dancing. If my foot begins to tap to a beat, I feel like I will erupt into tears, I feel like my son will feel like I am forgetting him, I beat myself up by reminding myself that he was placed in that cold ground, he should be here with me enjoying his young life with all of his friends. Sometimes I wish I did not witness my son being buried, sometimes I regret even attending my son's funeral. Hearing that BS that "these things happen" or "we will all meet this fate", doesn't comfort me, those facts do NOT ease my pain. I'm a mother and I'm human. My son was suppose to be at my funeral. I will NEVER stop wanting my son back. Some days I just convince myself that my son is on vacation in some remote area where he can't contact me but he's enjoying himself, other days I convince myself that he escaped after the funeral because he came out of his coma but because of his head trauma he has amnesia and is lost, so I have to find him. I am still hoping that this, including being a member of this group, is all my sick imagination and none of this real. Thanks for listening.

Susan, I am sending you many many hugs, i can't imagine losing more than one child, how awful.

Oh Sophia, I can relate to all that you have said. Especially, not wanting to drag people into my depression and gloom. I am sad for everyone walking in our shoes.

Sophia I share your feelings. I have lost two sons. People can be really cruel. I have heard the same thing. I am at the point I stuff it. I have.been accused of being selfish and self centered.  I miss my sons so much. I am taking a lot of medicine to help me cope with it. Been accused of being bipolar too. I enjoy my time with my grandchildren.  I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you

Susan- I can't imagine going through losing two children. Don't listen to people who tell you to get over it. A part of you is gone- and you will never get it back in this life. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. I also went on meds and I think they probably saved my life.

Sophia wrote, "I'm scared of life - I don't know how to move forward." I agree. My son passed away 4 weeks ago and some people around me have this idea that I'm just suppose to pick up and push onward like a stoic mom unmoved by the grief of his death. My son was my life. I haven't done anything for the past 18 years without my baby in mind. I'm sure time will make things better for us... its just not better right now. Peace & Love

Karen wrote, "I feel like my son will feel like I am forgetting him." I think the same thing. I'm not ready to forget my son either or just "move on." He died 4 weeks ago but I never want his spirit to be forgotten. Peace & Love

Hey DH, so sorry that you have joined this group but all we can do is support each other and listen. It helps so much not to have your emotions and thoughts judged. Our children will always be our babies and we will always be their mom, they had a life, it was not our imagination. Many hugs to you.

Two years ago today was my last conversation with my son, Matthew, i talked with him till i  life fell asleep and after a night full of nightmares...i got the call that he had been shot and was killed.. never in my life would i believe my worst nightmare to come true but it did....still hurts like hell.

My husband and I were watching the video we played during Zach's funeral. I felt like I had never seen it. I can't believe it has been 16 months since we lost him. Those first few months are such a fog, like a very bad nightmare that i haven't been able to wake up from. We found out that yesterday Zach's girlfriend had her laptop stolen, and on it she had several videos of Zach that she had not backed up on to another file so now those are forever lost. It makes me so incredibly sad, a couple of them, I had never even seen yet. It makes me so angry that who ever stole it doesn't have any idea how much they have hurt us. I do have to say that even though my husband and I were sad watching the video, we were able to smile sharing those memories from those pictures. It really did make me miss him so very much though. This stinks for all of us. It wasn't suppose to be this way.

Just sending hugs to all.

Marti, so sorry, my worst nightmare came true also. I begged my son not to ever ride his friend's motorcycle again.

Robin

 I am so sorry you lost those videos. I know what you mean. I lost my only son on Dec. 1 2012 and can hardly deal with it. I get so much joy from the 2 videos that I have found on his computer and have found others through his friends. They are treasures and so sorry for more pain in your life from a thoughtless theft. It sure wasn't supposed to be this way at all. Not at all.

Its been about 15 months for me and it is still hard for me to watch videos of Ivy. Although I am sooo grateful that I have  them. About a month after she died, I watched a video of her and it just about killed me.

Yeah, I have days that I can watch videos of my son, even though I sob while watching and their are other days I can't even think about watching them.

This last week has been hard for me. I attended a Compassionate Friends and a hospital support group. I wonder if it makes me feel worse and dredge up memories. I always sob when talking about Danny, I miss him so much.

Last night at my sister in laws house we were eating as an extended family and she has photos of my son displayed with his cousins. I just started looking and feeling my loss. I had to excuse myself and leave.

I am sponsoring Angels Across America music tour in Danny's memory. If it comes to your town be sure to go. Mitch Carmody and Alan Pedersen are good musicians for the grieved. They have some YouTube videos that are good.

Dick- we attended Compassionate Friends before we moved. It was very helpful. Justin started attending therapy at first, but the therapist just did not understand. As painful as it is, I think it is good to get it out and face my life.

I have attended one meeting of Compassionate Friends and it is a wonderful group. Perhaps it was too early for us to go because it was painful but it is always a great resource for others you can call for whatever questions may come up. I plan on going back. They say for any support group to gibe it 3 times before deciding if it id for you. because each meeting can be very different.

I too attend Compassionate Friends meetings, I am only sorry that they only have them once a month. I always say that those are my Zach times. I can say whatever I want, and can share my memories of him, and of course I always cry but I always feel better after I leave. I can usually walk away from it feeling like someone else has had something worse happen to them in their life. I am thankful that at least when Zach died he was with his friends and having a wonderful time. There are so many who have lost their child through horrific means. My brother attends the Compassionate Friends meetings in Pittsburgh where sometimes they offer home meetings. I think that is a great idea because I know our meetings will sometimes last hours because that is the only time we meet. I think if we met elsewhere another time in the month it would not last as long. That has been our groups biggest complaint that the meetings last too long. It is not for everyone though, I get a lot out of it, but my husband doesn't go every time I go. You have to see what helps you.

First day back at work. So hard to keep it together. So hard while life just keeps on going while you are dying inside. I only work 2 days a week so I could take Daniel to his doctors appts. He had Crohn's Disease and other complications but that had nothing to do with his death. But now what? I only had one child. He was my life. God I miss him so much more and more every second....

I know Connie....so sorry. Sorry any human has to experience this pain.

*Hugs Connie*  I know how it feels to go from a child that is your life to childless. "Mother" is such a huge part of who we are. People say to me, "You will always be his mom." He depended on me as mom. But I also depended on him as my only child. So when you say Daniel was your life, I know exactly what you mean.  

Hello to all of you. Just checking in & want to share some good news. I have a new job, which is the first job I've had since Jimmy died. It feels strange to be going back to a work schedule just as I had when Jimmy was alive. I found myself thinking how it is things like this which send me into a state of mind where I'm missing him so much more simply because I'm returning to doing something which I haven't done since he died. It is a great relief to have found this position and I know it will be good for my mental state to return to a work / sleep schedule.

I read all the comments about attending Compassionate Friends meetings and I have yet to attend although I want to. I was attending grief counseling which i had to discontinue due to low cash & no health insurance. Now that I'll have health ins. once more i was considering returning to the counselor but I have been meaning to attend a Compassionate friends meeting as well. It seems from what i read here that you all benefit from it.

Bless all of you.

Sophia

Good News Sophia!  Sending you hugs.

Congrats Sophia. What a blessing. Hopefully this job will be a good thing for you. As parents, our identities are so wrapped around our children that once they are gone, a part of us dies with them. I think it will be good for you to get a job and have something else that defines you. Not that you will EVER stop being a mom.