Bad dream that I will wake up from.

We have just submitted to have Danny's cell phone disconnected. It still had his voice greeting. I bought from Best Buy a voice recorder and saved it. It is time to shut it down.

I don't know, I go from grief to wondering if this really happened to getting mad at Danny. I just don't know. 

I was told to get a dog to feel better, I just don't want to have another living thing in my care die.

I know my family just wants the best for us, but at my brother in law's birthday they we displaying family pictures. There was Danny with his uncle and aunt. Every picture of him younger, was one of him on my knee. I was the protector and closest to him. Just makes me feel awful.

At church, I always get cranked up. He and I would attend when his mother was working. It winds me up to go.

My wife and I have been attending the Methodist Hospital grief group. We like it better than Compassionate Friends.

Actually, I am no longer afraid of death. It has no hold on me any longer.

I got a dog after the last son passed. he is my salvation right now.  its a little dog. he is my buddy. gives me a reason to get out of the house. we do alot of walking. and that helps to. to much time on my hands i get really depressed. I see a councilor and a doctor. I m taking alot of medication. and they want to give me more. today I put their urns in a box with all the treasures I have of them, including pictures. was hard but needed to do that. lets all pray for one another. its nice to know others in my leakey boat

michelle barely surviving iz what we do for a long time. although i am at 15 years i still am starting a new grief group that will help with my daughter and husband.all we can ever do is just keep breathing and praying. i'm coming home 2 days early because the trip didn't work for me..he's a wonderful man, the scenery is spectacular and i have relaxed...but the man isn't for me...sadly...he's so kind...but since my husband passed 18 months ago on my deceased daughter's birthday..one death triggers the other for me now...so i guess i'm just not ready....need to make a life for myself...by myself...PEACE

I got the autopsy report and I don't want to open it. I have fooled myself into believing that she is not gone and that she will call soon. Bri was always bad about running out of minutes and sometimes she would get them immediately or wait for weeks. Everyone tries to be supportive but they do not understand. The constant pain and struggle everyday just to get through. I miss Bri and Harley so very badly.  

Sherry Ray,   YOU DO NOT HAVE TO OPEN IT..... until you are ready... it is not going to change anything....she is still going to be gone and you are still going to hurt.  What ever you read in the report is not ever going to be as bad as this....  BUT BE GENTLE with yourself.... You Do Not have to do anything until YOU are ready..... even if it is never.... even if you put the report in a drawer and never look at it....  But keep it because maybe someday... maybe... you will be ready to read it.... but for now.... You do not have to do it.   Everything that is in that report you already know....  Sadly..... PEACE

I never read Melanie's autopsy report...I asked a very trusted atoorney friend of mine to do it and tell me anything he felt I had to know...my family Dr. of many , mnay years also read it...I couldn't..still can't 15 years later..it's made no difference..she still doesn't call...I still haven't seen her...I do know she died instantly which is some sort of comfort...I know she died from multiple blunt force trauma..which is a generic answer...it doesn't matter...all that matters is she is gone...try not to struggle over this..my Melanie was not viewable..that was the hardest for me...not to be able to kiss her goodbye...not to see her...and to have my mind wonder with unimaginable thoughts for so many years....I had to come to terms with the fact that she was gone and it didn't much matter why/how just that she was or I would have truly lost my mind...she took my husband on her birthday...I believe it was a message to me...and done for me.....and that will always give me some sort of peace from my little girl...she is truly an Angel.....PEACE!

Hey everyone, I see it's been quiet. It's been hard for me to get on emotionally. Added to my frustration and sadness, I learned that my son's memorial was taken down !!! :(  

I was told that it was taken down by the Town. There were at least 3 others on this street, including my son's which was the latest addition, that were all removed. This was such a kick in my gut and my throat! It is rumored that residents were complaining. How dare they!!!! I bet they all have their children, who could be that heartless?!!! I just feel like punching whoever in their face!!!! All I had was a 8 by 10 photo with a flower border around it stapled to a tree at the intersection, it's been there 2yrs and 11 months, why now? He had a life, for goodness sake, he's someone's child, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and someone's friend!!!!! I feel so violated. My son is not a mere 'memory', I say it over and over again.....his life was not a figment of my imagination. I am going to continue to put one up, I don't care, I'll do it everyday if I have to.  Thanks for letting me vent!

Just wanted to stop in say hello to everyone , life is difficult , sad , confusing , its i cant explain it in words there are no words for how i feel im sure all of you can relate to this i have been reading alot of books tryin to find some comfort but have found little as of yet ...just wanted to say hello to all the moms and dads living like we do after losing our child/children

Hi.... Yesterday I went for a "Stress Test" because I have been feeling pressure in my shoulder.... and even though I feel like I wish I could just drop dead from a heart attack... well maybe I should get it checked out.

2 months ago, a child that recieved a "Random Act Of Kindness check" from our fund died unexpectedly.  And Our family just ached for knowing her parents were about to "Join this group" of sadness.

Yesterday as I was explaining to the Cardiologist that I could just be suffering from anxiety or PTSD because I lost my son at 14 years old, the lady assisting him was related to the young girl who had just passed.... as the test ended and I found out I was "Normal"... and the doctor left the room.  we shared tears... she apologized because it is so unprofessional for her to cry in front of a paitient...  I said "No, you are human."  we hugged and cried and shared our losses.... and I said it had been 3 years and I don't think we will ever "Get Over it".  She talked about the mother of the child and how devestated she has been.  Both of us lost special needs children.   and Karen, I was thinking the same thing as you,  after 3 years, it seems like no one cares anymore that we lost our child.... time should be done and we should be "Over it"..... and I am still not "Over it"... how long would it take for them to be "Over it?" 

Well My heart is "Normal"  But it is still broken with big gapping holes in it.   I guess I can not expect to have a sudden heart attack and be done with this life.....  although my brain sure thinks I am ready to die from this pain.

Karen I also don't think anyone has the right to do this...but you.

Brenda ..well said...you said a book in a few short sentences...

Hello everyone, thanks for all of the support. It means so much to me. Does anyone else have a memorial of some sort for their child, whether it be a plant, a bench or picture memorial like I have ? 

Brenda Ann, you couldn't be more right about a heavy heart. 

Hello Grace, I truly understand  how you feel but I am glad that your tests were ok. This pain that we are all going through can be so unbearable.

Hey everyone. Really struggling today. I can't believe how insensitive people can be to take down a memorial Karen. We all love our child or children beyond measure. I to struggle over things I don't feel I done right.  I keep us all in prayers. 

hello everyone this is my first time online here. i lost my son in december and have tried to do it my way ever since.. my way hasnt been working and with jordans birthday and the holidays coming up i need support

Hi Shirley Yax... I guess we should say "Welcome"  Although I think none of us really want to be here.... Sorry about your son... My son was 14 and died 2009.  I found some support here.... I hope you do.

Greetings Shirley yax, I agree, it is so very hard to welcome someone here, this "club" has a INvoluntary membership. My heart hurts with yours over the loss of your child. My 21yr old son passed away 2yrs and 11months ago while driving his friend's motorcycle. I will forever be broken. When I first joined this site, I scrolled through and read many, many postings before I actually posted my feelings. It means so much to have your feelings and thoughts validated and NOT judged or critized, especially from those that truly get "it".

I have not been on here for a couple of months. In June my oldest daughter and my two granddaughters moved in with us while her husband is doing an internship out of town. While it has been very good for me, it can also be hard because I do not have that down time to myself to think about Zach. September 3rd was the first year anniversary of his death. Leading up to the day was probably harder than the actual day. I don't know if this happens to the rest of you, but all I could do for a couple of weeks or so was think, a year ago he was still here. Then as it got closer I kept having flash backs of the worst day of my life. In some ways it seemed like yesterday, I could remember it all so vividly. The phone call from his friend telling us about Zach falling from the waterfall. I still have such a hard time believing that it is true, though I know it is, he would never have not come home for this long. On the other hand, it feels like forever ago that I got to hug  my son. Or was able to tell him how much I love him. A friend of my youngest daughter, was just killed over a week ago in a car accident, she was only 19. It was so incredibly heartbreaking for me to know the pain that her family is going to endure for a very long time. We still have not really done a memorial for Zach, I think we just didn't want to face the reality of him really not coming back.  What have others done in memory of their child? My husband and I, and Zach's three sisters all got tattoos of some sort in memory of Zach. He was a musician and he loved skateboarding. My next door neighbor's son skateboards all the time, it always makes me smile but also makes me miss Zach so very much. My heart aches for all the new members who are on the site now. I am so very sorry that you have to feel the pain we all deal with. This site has been a big help to me, I always felt like I could say whatever I needed to on here, and you all would understand. Like Karen said, I will forever be broken, I will never be the Robin that I used to be, but like a friend told me who's son was murdered years ago, you can chose to survive this or you can give up. As much as some days I would like to give up, I could not do that to the rest of my family. I do have happy times with the rest of my family, but I always feel Zach's absence deeply. I pray that we will all chose to survive this, and continue to live life one day at a time. Big hugs and prayers for all. Robin

Hi everyone....  I still miss my Niles for more than 3 years... and the children left are older and yearn to stretch out to freedom.   My son Evan moved out for 6 months then returned because of finances.... I was relieved to have him home again... under my wing... and now my 23 year old Daughter wants to move out and in with her fiancee.... intellectually I am ok with it ... but my mother heart is feeling empty again... even though both of my kids are 20 and 23.... this house is gonna be so empty... my future plan was to always have my Niles to take care of... a worry because of his Autism.... and he was a handful.... but now I worry that this house is going to become Big, Empty and lonesome....  My husband and I have had some rough roads and we still have not hit smooth yet.....  my how the future looks so frightening.... yet I know I have to allow my kids freedom.... I still want to hang on to them.... I feel all of my babies slipping away... I am sure all parents feel this...but after losing my Niles.. I just want to hold on tighter and longer to the 2 I have left.

Hey Robin and Grace, my heart is with you.

My son Sam would have turned 19 last Sunday.  It just hits so hard sometimes.  There are days I feel like I'm adjusting to this new life and days where the reality hits me in the gut.  

Grace, I know what you mean about having some rough roads with your husband. Since Zach died, my husband can sometimes be so angry. It is not just with me but with my daughters also, he is just so hard to communicate with sometimes. My youngest daughter moved out and got her own place a few hrs away, and my oldest daughter and granddaughters will be moving five hours away in a few months. I am happy for all of them, but I can't even imagine how I am going to cope when they all move away. My granddaughters have always either lived with us or only about 10 minutes away. It is going to a big change for all of us, but I know it is something that my daughter has to do for their family. I keep trying to put on a happy face, because I don't want it to upset my granddaughters but I am so afraid that that is when the reality will really set in about Zach. Right now I have been able to stay so busy with work and then with my granddaughters, that I can just keep going. Like you said Grace, it is so very hard to let go, it is very frightening but I am trying to just take it one day at a time though I am not always good at that. Trying to put it all in God's hands, praying praying praying.

It seems like the past 3 1/2 years I have had to let go of the oeople I love so much...... they need to have freedom....  I need to cuddle and coddle....protect....

This is a poem that I wrote, it speaks of what my heart was saying to my son when I was brought into the room where he was laying to tell him my "good byes".....as I was told to do by family and friends. Well, here it goes.

THIS CAN NOT BE TRUE!

As I stand over you

I'm watching your lifeless body

Anxiously waiting for a sign that you are STILL here

This can NOT be true!

I call your name

I hold your hand

I beg you, please say something to make me understand!

I touch your chest

I stroke your face

Now I feel like I'm drifting into outer space

This can NOT be true!

How could it be?

Someone please explain this to me

You have your whole life ahead of you

So much more for you to do

I beg you NOT to leave me

Prove these doctors wrong

Please just sing one of your favorite songs!

I will stand here and wait

I don't care how long!!

I love you my son

Don't you know that?

This has to be a mistake

Now, I will live a life full of heartache

And yes, pain

Now I know what it feels like to feel insane

This can NOT be true!

Thanks Michelle, I just wrote it, I am so heartbroken. Thanks for all the support, I guess I will try to sleep for a few hours.....good nite/ good morning!

Karen, that is beautiful.  I can feel and understand it completely even though I was not able to say goodbye to my son until he had passed.

We do feel like we are insane.  The thoughts and emotions that are always running rampant through us keeps us from the normal we once knew, and we now exist hour by hour trying to adjust to this new normal that we all despise, but have to accept.

Thank you for sharing.  ♥

Thanks so much Ammy, sometimes I just don't know where to turn to with emotional chaos. This group really helps me. In actually, I have NEVER said goodbye to my son. I don't think I will ever be able to do that. Now that word sounds so final to me, I equate it with solidifying that he is gone. I just can't take that as being true. I want this all to be a big mistake.

Ammy, you said perfectly how I feel.  This is the first time I have posted on here, but I lost my son a year ago July, in a horrific car accident.  We weren't even notified of the accident and his passing until 6 hours later.  I felt guilty (and still do) about not being able to see or hold him one last time, and yes, I still 'exist' but the person I used to be has long departed.

Karen, what a beautiful poem, and that is exactly how I felt when I saw Zach. I kept thinking, this can't really be my son, this cannot be true. You said it perfectly, as so many of us have all felt, this has to be a big mistake. Nancy, I am so sorry for your loss. When my son Zach died, the worst day of my life, September 3rd of last year, he fell from a cliff by a waterfall, and we were not notified for about seven hours. I too am not the same person that I was, I feel like I have aged dramatically. I will be forever changed. Michelle, I know how you feel, about it being so hard to let your other children go. My oldest daughter and granddaughters are moving to another state in just a couple of weeks. Even though I know it will be for the best for them, it is going to be so hard for me. My granddaughters are what have kept me going this past year. I guess I need to be thankful that they were here and my daughters were here for as long as they were. I am really trying to stay positive but I have to admit that my heart will hurt so much when they leave. I am afraid that I will just fall apart, that the realization of it all will come crashing down on me. I know I will survive this, I have to for my other kids. God will help me through. Hugs to us all.

So sorry Nancy to hear your story, losing a child is such a tremendous, inconceivable loss..