I went to Danny gravesite yesterday. As I was setting there a squirrel came up and sat on Danny's memorial. It looked at me like it was at ease. It stayed a while, looked at me and then scurried off. I am still thinking about this Was there some meaning? Danny loved children and small animals. Wondering, perhaps a sign?

A bright spot for my day ... An article on LifeSiteNews grabbed my attention when it proclaimed that - long after we give birth - some of our babies' cells remain a part of us. I always knew Isabelle would remain a part of me, but I hadn't realized it would be in a literal fashion!  

I've posted more information on my blog if you're interested: http://www.amylyon.blogspot.com/2012/04/pieces-of-her.html

Amazing,  I was in Whole Foods yesterday and my buddy, the older lady that gives samples was there we talked for a bit. She confided in me after I had told her my son had passed; I had taken the day off to do his final IRS tax form.

She as well lost her son in November. He was a Navy Seal and had died of liver cancer. We both shed a tear and I said a little prayer. We now have drawn closer through a shared grief.

Niles "Would have been" 17 today on his GOLDEN Birthday of April 17.... my son mentioned it to me last night.... It kept me awake thinking that no mother ought to Have to say "Would have been".

Lorraine, 

Quite a nice bench, did you construct it yourself?

My wife confided in me that she does not want to go to Compassionate friends any longer. She keeps her emotions inside, she does not want to emote in public or talk about Danny except to close family.

I am the outgoing one in the family, I have always opened her to new things and ideas. On this subject I will defer to her.

With you today in prayer Grace. {{hug}}

Thanks Lisa...  sometimes I feel like I am the tree that Fell in the forest....  No One has heard me fall....

He SHOULD BE Here! 

Don passed 8 months ago today.  I have never gone this long without seeing my son.  My best friend.  I am so lost and in so much pain.  

Prayers for you Adrianne. {{hugs}} 

Grace - I understand exactly what you mean. The pain and grief seem to isolate us from the rest of humanity.  And unfortunately, the outside world wants us to reach out to them. They do not understand that we don't have the strength. 

I just read something that I found helpful, maybe you all will too.  We are often perplexed as to why friends and family seem to abandon us during this journey.  It could be because, by seeing us in our pain and grief, those around us are reminded that it COULD happen to them, and that makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid us. It made sense to me, especially since most of my friends have teenagers.

Yeah ... afriend recently said to me that when her dad died.... they had the funeral and they moved on.... I have my benefit...then I meet the Organ recipient of his heart and will meet with the Brain Research person.... it is going on 3 years... and today he SHOULD be 17..... and I really don't think I'll ever REALLY GET OVER IT.....  I posted his picture and Cried until my nose could not breathe!    how can this boy I see in these photographs and all my memories...be gone?!

Lisa, I agree.  Many of my friends who have teenagers, stay away.  I think it is the fear or thought of what if it did happen to them.  It is sad, you would think that they would be more there for us knowing that it could happen to them and then what?  I just know that the friends who have stuck with me through this last year are the friends I'll have for life.  I am blessed to have them in my life right now.  I am also blessed to have found this site where we are not judged and can vent, cry, ramble our thougths, express our beliefs, and all of those things we have been sharing.  Hugs to you all.

Special BIG Hug to you Grace on a difficult day today.

Dick, yes the squirrel is a sign.  It's strange all the synchronicities that occur, almost like divine intervention to give us a little peace.  And the people who come into our lives are like angels sent to help us in this grief.

I've been sleeping a lot lately.  My husband thinks I'm depressed.  I think it's just the knowing that it's been over a year now and it's not getting easier.  I'm just going with the flow for now.  Knowing that I'll be in this mood for a while.  What other choice do I have?  Nothing will make this go away.  So today, I'll just be.

Hey Robin, I haven't been on here in awhile. Just read one of your postings in regards to your son's girlfriend going on with her life. Let me me first say that I am sorry for your pain. I know how you must be feeling. I can totally relate to the anguish of having it reconfirmed that the world is going on without our children. It's a pill I will NEVER be able to swallow. It's not that I don't want others to be happy, it's just I simply want my son back and I want to see him enjoying his young life...he was only 21yrs old when this tragedy struck like a thief in the night. 

Sending you many hugs.

Wow Grace, I too feel like the tree that fell in the forest that no one heard fall in regards to my close family and friends. I feel like a disaster and a ticking time bond and they all think that I am "OK". Well, I'm not ok.

Many hugs.

Thanks Karen for your comment. It is helps to come on here and know that you all understand how I am feeling. I tried to talk to a friend about it and explain how upset I was about Zach's girlfriend moving on. She really didn't get it, she kept definding her say they weren't married, and it was right that she move on. I am not arguing that, I even told his girlfriend, that life is too short and that she deserved to be happy. It just so hard that he isn't able to do the same. I wanted my friend to just listen, I felt like she was judging how I felt, though I am sure that is not what she meant. Rosie, I like what you said about the people who are in our lives are like our angels sent to help s in our grief. You all help me just but knowing I can say anything here and not be judged. I could relate to what Billie said about some days being okay, but then later feeling guilty about it. Life just really sucks sometimes. I am trying to focus on my blessings that I do have. My daughters, my husband, my granddaughters, good friends, if it wasn't all who have lifted my family up in prayer, I don't think I would be able to get up in the morning. Big hugs to all of you friends. Robin

As I mentioned in an earlier comment... a friend expressed that when her father died they had the funeral... and basically went on... I still have my memorials... Because I hold tight to the memory of my Niles....  on his Birthday yesterday... I looked at the pictures of his life and how he has been like erased from existance.... and I want to tell my friends with children to look at the photographs of thier child and imagine just erasing them from existence! to the remains of ashes in a box.... I look at those photos of young vibrant soft faces and HE IS GONE.... I can not Call him on the phone... get on a plane and travel the world to find him at College..... it is like he is wiped off the earth... I just can not imagine that he is Gone almost 3 years... yes the funeral is over... but it really isn't over for me... I cling to those pictures... and for me... he is standing still in time at age 14.  Even though "He WOULD HAVE BEEN 17 Yesterday"   What would he be doing?  No... my friends just REALLY Can not Imagine....  and I don't know of anyway that I can explain it to them... except to rip that photo and tear thier child out of existence?    And we all know that by the time 3 years have passed... they wonder WHY we can not move on... (Like they have with the death of a parent)  I too lost my Dad... and a husband when I was Young.... but my Niles was created in my body and was given Life by me..... It just seems not to be the same.... but more RAW pain.... and maybe it is a Mother's Nature to Hang on to our Young.....   Hugs.... I hope you can somewhat relate to what I am talking about... I have lost hope that anyone close to me that has not had this experience will ever feel comfortable with these raw emotions as 3 years later... I STILL SOB and hold on to my Niles.....

Michelle and Adrianne...... You know what I am talking about... and when I talk about Niles... others are quiet...like I Drag them Down..or oh my the Cloud that takes over the room.  Yes they say they are fine to talk about him.... but you can Feel the discomfort.  It is like you can hear them think  (Oh My when will she be over with her grief... or What do we say now?)  Some days I guess I feel angry that THEY DO NOT have to know what I FEEL like because they have all of thier children.... it is not as if the world continues and My son has Stopped existing.  That is why I think so much when I see the pictures... he really was here...like thier children... now it is like he is to be erased out of our lives and our conversations..... especially if I cry.... no one wants to see that.  I am expected to be "STRONG".... but I cry when I am alone so hard the Snotty Nose makes it hard to breathe.

I may not be here much longer. I believe I have come to terms with my loss. I was praying in the garden Monday and I told God I am turning this burden over to him and to do with me as he pleases. I felt a weight lift. 

My friends have told me they have already seen a change in me, I did not tell them about my experience.

I will still miss Danny and I will still have my moments. I will still pray in the garden on Danny's bench, I will still go to his grave site. But I do know I must live my life to the fullest at this moment and witness for God.

Therefore, I will hang a round a bit; I really hope you all find your peace in your own way.

Hello to all. Sometimes I feel like my son is also frozen in time but because that only deepens my sadness, I refer to my son's age with each passing birthday, I let him become a year older. I think I do this because I see all of my other children growing and getting older and all the birthday celebrations they have, so I want him to have the same. It may sound irrational to most but it's what I need to do sometimes. I  keep my son alive because I will never accept that he's not. I have said many times that my son will always be my son, he will NEVER become just a memory! His life was not a figment of my imagination. I can't help but to still look for him to come home, I still hope to find out that this was all a terrible mistake. I feel so emotionally beaten up. Maybe one day I will find relief.

Hello to all.  I have caught up with reading the posts and I realize that we all feel most of the same things.  I will do okay for a few days and then that horrible word 'NEVER' pops into my mind.  I guess that deep down somewhere inside myself I still believe I will see him again here on this earth.  

I especially felt some comfort from your stress, Robin, as I have been dealing with the same thing, and thought that it was just me and that I shouldn't be feeling this way.  Even though I told my son's partner that she would move on someday, now that she seems to be doing that, it is like a knife in my heart.  I don't care if she finds someone else, I just don't want to know about it.  I think of another man coming into my son's daughter's life and I can't handle it.  Am I being selfish?  I don't know how to let these feelings go.

Dick, I wish you and your wife the best.  I have come to realize that most of us will be able to move on in time, but each has their own time limit for healing.  Some longer than others.

I met a woman last night online and I mentioned my son leaving and she told me that she had also lost a son.  Coincidence?  I don't believe in coincidence.  Two days ago was 11 years for her.  She encouraged me to believe it will get easier, but that it never really completely leaves us.  We will always have those days where we fall apart.  

I believe her and this is now our lives, our new normalcy.  I'm trying hard to focus on positive things and I have some decent days for which I am grateful, but the smallest thing can also trigger the uncontrollable sadness.  I don't fight it anymore.  I find it passes quicker if I just go through it.  Anyone else doing better?

As for others understanding us.  I am trying not to think about them because it will set me off.  They are the innocent ones when it comes to knowing what this is like.  As much as it hurts to have them think we should be going on I can't be angry with them anymore.  No matter what we say to them, it is beyond their grasp. 

I pray for us all.  God knows we need His grace/mercy.

You, my friends, are beautiful people.  ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤  Hugs to all.

Hi Everyone, feeling really sad tonight. Tomorrow is my daughter's 22nd birthday, it is so hard every time an event happens that my son would have been there, and I know he won't be. Plus on the 3rd it will mark another month since he has been gone. I can't believe it will have been 8 months. I do have days that I am able to laugh again with my daughters and granddaugthers, and of course my husband. The pain of missing Zach is always there though. When I have those moments, then I almost feel guilty like, how can I! Does any one else ever feel that way? Going on Tuesday to bring my youngest daughter home from college. This was suppose to have been such an exciting wonderful year for her. Her freshman year of college, and after being there for only 10 tens having to come home because her brother died. I just feel such sadness for all the sadness my other children have had to go through. It hurts me to see them hurt. It hurts to see my husband hurting. I know it will become easier, it just a roller coaster of  emotions, and I guess I need to accept that that is how it is always going to be. There will be good days, and there will be bad. I will always miss my  precious son. Hugs to all.

It will be 3 years the end of may.... and the calendar can sometimess be a reminder of the things we are missing..... birthdays, Christmas, Holidays, I just don't even want to look at a calendar somedays.

This has been a long week...  I truely am "GRACE Under pressure!

PEACE Michelle, Adrienne, Robin, and Ammy, And Karen and all.

Just saying hello, just got finished reading everyone's postings for the past few days., my heart is with all of you.

Good morning grief friends, today is 94 weeks.  I can't seem to stop counting, and the other day one of my daughters told me that she doesn't think it's healthy for me to keep doing this as I will usually post a pic with a saying and note the week number.  I told her I will try and stop at 100 as it will be the day before his next earthly birthday.  Does anyone else keep track of the weeks, months?  Do you think it makes it harder to move forward?  Almost 2 years and I'm still confused, messed up with accepting this.  So tired too.  

Thanks for being here and sharing.

Has anyone heard anything about Stephanie?  She hasn't been on since the day before her surgery back in the beginning of April.

Peace to all.

it has been 80 weeks for me missing my girl.  people say i have to let her go and move on with life.  i will never ever let her go.  i think it cruel to tell me to do so.  my heart is broken and bleeding.  i can afirm and act as if but inside i will forever be looking and hoping i will be blessed with her presence again.  counting counting counting

Teri... all of us understand .... You are right... you can never let go... some days will become more managable than others.... the sting will ease. but none of us can let go of our babies.

I am just HATING life.  I am SELFISH and want those days when I can feel okay.  I'm TIRED of this sadness, these tears.  

Today is my husband's birthday and I can't even pretend to be happy for him.  My youngest daughter (37) has moved back home and is expecting a baby.  I can't enjoy this time with her.  Her first baby (and probably her only one) and I am not excited.  How sad and inconsiderate I feel.

She was talking to my son's daughter yesterday and saying that she doesn't have room for a crib in her room and my granddaughter told her she could put it in Daddy's room because he doesn't sleep there anymore; he sleeps in heaven now.  Made both of us cry. 

I am filled with emotions and could write forever, but you all have your own feelings and events to deal with, and my heart, even though it's shattered, still feels your pain as well.

Be blessed.

Hang on Everyone... it is not fair that we have this pain.. but some days are ok .... I know it is hard when my mind slips back to the fact that I HAD this CHILD and he is GONE.   I know I am coming up to the 3rd Anniversary of his death and I am going to pretend that it is not that date and do something like any other day..... hoping to just ignore it.   hope that works.

Hello to all, just read some of the recent postings. Just wanted to comment on counting the time that passes by. For me, I still try to avoid counting. I have said many times that the counting confirms that my son is gone and I can't accept that, I refuse. The counting makes my son's passing a reality......I don't want this to be real. I think that may be why I am starting  not enter this site very often. Even as I am typing my thoughts,this moment,  my eyes are burning, the lump I feel in my throat is intensifying, I feel such a profound sadness, an emptiness that no words can explain. I will NEVER truly be happy again.

Sometimes I read and do not respond....and somedays I wonder if coming to the site is helpful... but somedays I feel I should write to let those of you know I am here and listening....because somedays I write and don't see a response and wonder if you are all here... reading about my pain....  and somedays I feel like Karen and wonder if it is too painful to come here.....    Somedays I feel better and ok.. and I do have happy days.... and somedays I feel distraunt....  Maybe even when we have a good day... we need to write it here so that maybe someone who is having a Bad Day have a glimmer of hope that they will have a good day too..... and that that is ok... it is ok to smile and have a good day too....

Grace so true.  Having a good day once in a while doesn't mean you have forgotten about your child.  It just means, we have to take a break from the heartache once in awhile in order to live. 

mothers day is coming up and that day will never be the same.  that was the last time i got to hold my daughter.  that very day. 

I tell you... we need to throw that calendar out the window!

Hi everyone, sorry I have not been on here for awhile. I am like you Grace, some times I get on and just don't feel like posting. And also like you I sometimes feel like I have poured my heart out and then there is no response. I think it is just sometimes we are all just shaking our heads in agreement and we just forget to post. I think it is important to share when we are having a good day. I have had days where I have actually laughed so hard that I cry happy tears.Of course, then sometimes I feel guilty like how can I feel happy when Zach is gone. I have to remember that Zach would want me to go on and be happy. Other days the pain will be so intense its like the whole accident just happened all over again. My sister-in-law told me she went with some of her very good friends to see a medium. Don't know how everyone feels about this, I know I am always skeptical. Anyhow long story short, she said there were many instances where the medium got information for her friends right on the money. She then said that the medium stood by her and that he saw a young man who had been in an accident. At first he said car accident, and then he corrected it and said a fall.Zach fell from a waterfall. He then said how happy the young man was, and how well liked he was and how everyone wanted to be around him. The medium went on to talk to other people. Later he discussed how usually spirits come back out of love to give us a message. My sister-in-law said that he did not tell her any message. He apologized and said that it was he fault he had been getting tired, he them told her that the young man said to tell everyone that they (he had also talked about someone whose name was Don, my father) were okay and not to worry about them, that they were having the best time of their lives. There have been so many nights where I have cried and just asked Zach to some how give me a sign that he was okay. This message did bring me some peace, though of course I always want more but I guess I will just have to accept this. I hope all of you my friends can also find some peace. Big hugs.Robin

Robin... I am posting to let you know I have read your post and also have had some fun times.  and some sad times..... I sometimes wonder about mediums.... see them on tv... but I have had such a faith crisis that I wonder if they (we) really go anywhere after here....   I look at my son's photographs and only have thin air to hold now... nothing... those blue eyes, cheeks, Smiles  Gone!

I'm gonna try to post more... Adrianne and everyone... just to let you know  I am listening.... and I hope we all can spend the time to do the same to support each other... when we are having good or bad days... sometimes we need to post the good so that it helps others have hope when they are having a bad day.... Good Days Do surface... let's use our good days to help one who may feel that there is not a good day to be found.... there are good days.... I am reminded of Sandra out friend who felt that the pain was so great that she would never get to the other side and she turned to suicide.   Yes... this is a very miserable pain... but we tend to vent only that here... maybe we need to also talk about our good days... it may be what one needs to see tomorrow....

Hi Everyone, just a quick note then I am off to work. Went to the movies with my daughters and son's girlfriend (? still don't know how to refer to her now), shared some laughs, it felt good. I do read your posts, just don't get on her all the time anymore. Hugs to you all friends, one day, sometimes one moment at a time, we can survive this together. Love, Robin

when i pop in here i read and i feel so close to all of your pains. it makes me cry every time.  i don't feel so alone with my sorrow...