Aw, Anne, your comment about love being everything made me cry a bit.  It is so true, and I do wish that the knowing were enough.  Still, most days it is not.  I try so hard to remember that place of knowing how powerful love is; the last days of Sy's life when I could actually feel the love vibrate between us like a fine gold silk thread.  So light and beautiful, and yet so strong...  I am heartsick, honestly.  I will never stop missing my lovely Silas River.  Such a strong young man, who taught me so very much.  SEnding love to friends here

I have been going through a period of numbness, which can be helpful, but then comes the time when it feels like the bottom falls out 'again' and the reality hits. The 'bottom' for me feels like grief that has been suppressed during the numbness and now gets released.  I'm a person who relates feelings to pictures and sometimes that brings an odd sort of comfort.  I don't know, may sound crazy, but I'll share anyway. So here's the pic. The numbness is like being in a reservoir where the water is still and barely moving. It's calm and gentle, not really going anywhere, but there is still life happening in it.  And then the doors of the dam open and there goes the rush of water overflowing, covering everything in its path. (like the feeling of the bottom dropping out)  There's life going on here too, but it's definitely not a quiet water.  Water spraying every which way, and tumbling and bubbling, etc. I know God is in both the quiet waters and the fast tumbling waters with me and both are necessary for me as I walk through missing my son.  But I admit it's a path I wish I wasn't on and the road seems to spread out long in front of me.  May God continue to walk with me and let me hold to His promises that He would never leave me or abandon me.  I pray that for

all of you too!  Blessings!

Lately I have realized that have little tolerance for extra "dramas" in life.  Maybe it's because we, as grieving parents, are living the worst drama that life can dish out.  I just can't understand people that want to create drama. I mean, I understand that some people are so damaged and need attention so bad that they will do and say the most incredible things but why bring it to MY doorstep? Why try to drag me down even further than I already am?  Now when people start this sh$$ up with me, I will shut them down and shut them out completely.  Does anyone else have this experience? And just to clarify, I am speaking of an incident involoving my boyfriend's daughter and an incident involving one of my daughter's friends from church.

Dear Lisa, and all, not to worry. I too over the years have learned to shut others out, but in self defense. You see, I have found over the years that there are things I can control and things I cant. I cant control what others say, but I sure as heck can control when and if I listen to them. It's a self defense mechanisim that I have almost mastered over the years. You have the right to listen to them or not. Remember there are people out there just like us who know and understand what you're going through, and those are the ones that hopefully won't say those ridiculous things. My own mother who has also lost a child has said some pretty tough things to me. At first they hurt like hell because I thought that she of all people should know better, but over time I have learned to shut her out when I choose to. It's a difficult thing to do, but over time I have learned to protect myself. I choose who I listen to and who I ignore. I know alot of you don't think time does much and it doesn't for a long while, but for me time has been my savior. You see I have been through some very dark, dark, places as I know all of you have, but when I think back on it all, I am grateful that somehow time and faith has allowed me to live and love again. The strange and hurtful things others say, and have said to me still get to me every once in a while, but I do my best to not listen for I believe no one will ever tell my heart what and how to feel. My heart is MINE, and only I can really protect it. I think it's something I have learned as I have traveled through this awful, miserable, and sometimes life threatening journey. I hope all of you know that when I speak to you it's not a bunch of made up hoooey. It's real and I share because I know in my heart and soul how totally heartbreaking all of this is. I write for myself to let it out and I write in hopes that my experiences will maybe help someone else who has walked in my shoes. Take care of yourself, take care of those you love, and you choose who and what you listen to. When my little boy was killed I listened to everyone else and I thought I couldnt decide for myself, and I allowed them all to take my life and my love from me. When my oldest boy was killed I made a vow then and there that no one, and I mean no one will ever take away whats rightfully mine, and that is my right to choose how and when I deal with the deaths of my beloved sons.When I looked at my son Ben, my best friend, my confidant, my everything, laying on that table I had terrible flashbacks to when my little boy Del died and everyone took away my choices and my freedom, I made Ben a promise as I held him in my arms that no one will ever do that to me again, and I could feel him and hear him tell me to fight and never stop fighting for whats rightfully mine. So you choose whats right for you. Sorry guys I get pretty worked up about this, but only because I know firsthand. You see it's bad enough to lose a child ( which by the way I dont believe they are lost because I know where they are) but for anyone to take away my right to grieve the way thats best for me is intolerabal. I stood for it once but never again. Let your logical mind help your emotional do the deciding. Love to all.

Michele,

I lost my son six months ago, up until Christmas I was numb like you speak. I have been able to move past that recently by compartmentalizing my grief. I don't let it rule my day any longer. I am positive I long for my son as much as you; I just have to but a mental block for most of the day. In my earlier posts, I have carved out the time and place for my grief in full glory. It seems to have helped me. I do get small waves of grief during the day, triggers, but I have been able to control them better and my voice does nbot crack when I talk of Danny. Therapy did me and the wife no good, Christian counsler. Compassionate Friend meetings help me much more, meeting with others in my situation.

Thanks Anne, you are so sweet. 

A lot of my grief comes from feeling guilty that I could have done more or done something differently. A lot of choices good, bad and indifferent that could have influenced the outcome that I feel guilty about. I feel guilty that I am moving forward in time and Danny stopped at August 14, 2011. Guilt drives my grief.

Christina, I am so sorry you are hurting today. I think, like Dick said, we need to allow ourselves some time to let it all out. I don't think it is good to try and keep all those emotions bottled up inside of us. Saturday will be the six month mark from when I lost my son, Zach. I can't believe that six months have gone by already, but then again sometimes the pain is so raw and fresh, that it seems like it was only yesterday. Dick said he finds help in attending Compassionate Friends meetings, as do I. I wish they met more than once a month though. It is there and church that I allow myself to cry and grieve because there are people there who understand or know what I am going through. I sometimes can't believe that I am able to be up and be a functioning adult, I then feel guilty like Zach might think I didn't love him enough or care enough. I loved him so very much, and miss him more every day that goes by that I don't get to see him. Yesterday my husband went to the dr., they diagnosed him with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder. Is it wrong that I feel like since I don't seem to be as depressed as my husband that Zach will think his Dad loved him more or misses him more? I know it sounds so stupid. Missing him so very much. Robin

This is just my personal belief but I think that now our children are able to see us with the purity of complete and absolute love.  Like God, they see our very hearts.  So I don't believe that Roxanne would think that my lack of outward grief for her is any measurement of my love.  I don't think our children look at us with eyes of judgement and condemnation but rather with eyes of breath-taking, pure love, grace and mercy. 

Lisa, I had to sign in just to say that what you wrote is beautiful.

Thinking of you all with affection.

Dear Lisa, your words are of strength and beauty. You have touched my heart deeply and I thank you!  To Christina, Happy Birthday to your son Zach. Birthdays should never be forgotten. To all who is missing someone today as do I, Great Peace to you.

today is a "blue day" I dreamed of Tammy last night . I woke up at 3am and said to myself I dreamed of her. This may not seem so unusual but this is the first dream I have had of my daughter since she passed on 11/4/11. I have yearned for her to come to me in my dreams. The sad part is that I don't remember any details of my dream. I cried for her and the chance to see her body whole and her being happy any free of sickness. Sad, sad  day.

and free of sickness

Christina, happy birthday to your son Zach! Did you have a celebration for his birthday or a cake? Did your loves ones avoid you or did they call or spend time with you? I felt like a lot of people.....family, friends, forgot about my son because their world still goes on. I was so hurt when many of them were a no show for my son's birthday celebration.

Sending you a big hug.

Does any one still let their child's age grow with each passing birthday or do they remain their age to you when they passed away?  My feelings change so often in regards to his age. Somedays I refer to him being 'forever 21' but most times I refer to his current age. My son passed away 4 months before his 22nd birthday, so now he is 24 yrs old. I think I find comfort in saying that because I tell myself he is "fine" and on .a vacation and can't contact me now. Those thoughts may sound crazy to most but it helps me function when I am at the end of my road. I think I also do this because I can NOT accept what has happened, I don't want this to be my reality. It's the same reasons I have when people ask me how many children I have and their ages, I always include him and his current age, sometimes I add that he passed away or sometimes I don't. I guess it's my way of keeping him here with me. He's my son and he always will be my son.

Hugs to all

Hey Angela, I am sorry that you can't remember any details about your dream. I long to dream about my son. I have had some in the past but none recently. I ask him every night to come and visit with me and let me hold him and kiss him. But he hasn't come and I probably read into too deep. I tell myself that he is angry at me for something or that he is too sad. Just for me to fall asleep sometimes, I just convince my self that he comes and lays next to me every night and I just don't remember when I wake. I suffer from insomnia very bad, my anxiety over this tragedy engulfs me the most at bedtime because I dread that the morning, will be a cruel reminder. I don't trust myself with any sleep aids besides an herbal tea.

I haven't dreamt of my son either. I thought it was me.

I haven't had any dreams of Zach yet either. I think my daughters and husband have all had dreams of Zach, I am so jealous. I so wish I could, I close my eyes and can still picture him so very clearly. I feel like you Karen, I think sometimes I just pretend like he must be away hanging out with his friends and just hasn't returned yet. The other day I was taking my dogs for a walk, and the horrible thought came to me "what if heaven isn't real and I never get to see Zach again". I can't even explain to you how much panic and anxiety I felt when that thought came to me. I stopped it right away, because I do believe in God and heaven, I don't know why I allowed that thought to come to me. I have to believe that I will see all my loved ones again someday. I love and miss them all , but especially my precious funny son, Robin

After all this time dreaming and sleeping is the one subject I find the most difficult to talk about. I did'nt realize how difficult until reading this comment wall today. Wow.

My heart is heavy today.  Haven't been sleeping well (worst than usual) all week.  This Saturday marks one year since my son left.  But in reality, it's today due to the leap year.  I've been keeping my mind busy doing all the tasks for the gathering we're having at our house tomorrow.  Many of his friends are coming and our families and close friends.  I keep plugging along but deep inside I'm so broken, not the same person I was a year ago.  I miss you son!  Hugs to you all my friends.  I hope we find some peace today.

Dreams are sometimes a gift.... sometimes very disturbing..... I just dreamed I was snuggleing with my Niles.... with him looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes... I almost felt warmth... then I woke to reality..... One dream I had that was disturbing and I woke up crying.... he was trying to come home.....  he was begging  "Can I come Home?"I'll be good... I won't do this anymore"  (Die)?  I felt so dispaired that I could not bring him home.... like I had failed him...

Many times if I try to talk to friends or family about my feelings or dreams... I notice they try to get my mind off the subject.  I think they may ignore the "Anniversary dates or Birthdays" because if they don't bring it up they won't upset us.  I know even if I might tell a friend that I may not have a good day anymore on Memorial Day Weekend (Death Anniversary)... they just move on like I did not say anything.... I am sure they tell others but try not to talk anymore about it with me.... I think sometimes they just don't know what to do or say.... I am sure they feel like they are walking on egg shells.

How can it possilbly be almost 2 years since my son suddenly passed away quietly in his sleep?  How is it Im still waking up every day and he isnt?  Wednesday night will be the 2 year anniversary but today and tomorrow are hard as it was the last times I spoke to him.  I was getting ready to go on a trip to join my siblings in at a reunion in California and was busy.  He was so groggy from all the meds he could barely speak clearly, but he was happy I was getting to go on the trip.  His dad and I drove to the city I was flying out of and spent the night.  I got on the plane the morning of the 6th thinking everything was perfect.  Within a short time of landing in California many many hours later I got the news Karls wife had found him passed when she woke up.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a flight back from the states to Canada in a hurry?  The airline did the best they could but it was nearly 2 days before I could get home.  Anyway, bad days, bad memories.  And here I am 2 years later still wondering what the hell happened and why.  I would give anything for it to have just been a bad dream and I wake up to my husband at my side and all my children still in this world. 

Hey Rosie, I hope your family and friends don't disappoint you like my family and friends did to me on my son's birthday celebration last month. The majority was a no show. My sister in law tries to convince me that it really doesn't because the ones that did come are the ones that care and one of my daughters still is telling me not to hold it against them because there world goes on and he wasn't their son or brother and the celebration just wasn't a priority for them. Somehow, neither of their thoughts comfort me. I just wanted to believe that all of the ones that said that they were so broken and saddened over losing him and that they would never FORGET him, really meant it. 

Dear Karen, I know it's hard when others dissapoint you, but not everyone can handle these sort of things. Most people find it difficult. I dont think jit's because they didnt care about your child. I think for some its just so hard to understand. Nobody wants to deal with this if they dont have to. Which leaves those of us brokenhearted. This is one of those things that unless it happens to you, you really dont get the jist of it all. When my Ben died his friends would come around and see us, but now they have all moved on and because they dont feel the same pain as I do they are able to move on. No one in my family even came to help me bury my Ben. Not one family member. So I have learned to not expect much, even from my own daughters when the boys birthdays etc. comes along. It's sad and it hurts but I cant force others to do and feel what I do.However I am grateful for the times that someone does acknowledge their birthdays and other important days.I was so angry at my family for such a long time and I still find it hard to forgive them for leaving me to bury my child without them, but things are different when our child dies, and when I think back before the boys died I didnt want to deal with it either if I didnt have to. No excuse for saying you'll be there for the celebration,and then not show up, but it is what it is. I find it less painful to have expectations from others concerning this matter. I have found that I'm the only one who hurts when others fail me. For me I feel I have so much more to deal with and think about so I put this kind of dissapointment to the back of the list.To be honest there really isn't anyone who can feel what I feel when it comes to my children. It's like when my son first died. Omg, so many people said they would be there for me and that I could call anytime, but most people just say things like that because they think they are comforting me and maybe they really meant it at the time, but when push came to shove most of them turned away. I have found that when I expect nothing it hurts less when I get nothing. I have even had my pastor turn me away, so maybe that's why I feel this way. I used to take it personally but now I just chalk it up to ignorance. I wish all the time that I too was ignorant but I dont get that luxury and I never will after what I have been through. when their birthdays come my husband and I get a helium balloon take it to the cemetary, sing Happy birthday to them and let it go. We watch as it goes up into the heavens. I like to do this at dusk because dusk was my favorite time of day. Everyone would be home and we'd all be together. then at bedtime starting with the youngest each child would come to me and kiss me goodnight. Of all the things I miss this special time is what I miss the most. It's funny but when my boys decided they were to big to kiss me goodnight they would bend down so I could kiss them on their forehead.My Ben was 24 years old when he came back from bomb hunting in Iraq and still he would bend down so I could kiss him goodnight. That's why I try to think about those things rather than the dissapointment from others. Everyone is different. We all handle things in different ways. Others will always dissapoint me but the love I gave and got back from my children never does. You hang in there. Love and Peace to all

Dear Anne, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I think I will start doing that........expect less from others so I won't be so crushed when they don't come through for me. I can not believe that your family was not around for such an ordeal, wow, I could never imagine that! That's terrible! I am sorry, I don't think I could ever forgive them, that's pretty deep. What acceptable excuse could they have had? I am sorry that any of us even know this kind of pain, especially parents that have gone through this more than once, as you have. 

Many hugs to you.

Dear Karen, my mother and fathers excuse was that my brother and sisters wouldnt let them come and I never got a reason why my siblings didnt come. It was devastating when the funeral began and all of my husbands family including his father who was dying of cancer at the time were there. Bens funeral was a very large military funeral. Generals and other high ranking members of the army flew in on a blackhawk helicopter to attend. I was so hurt and ashamed when we walked behind the casket into the service and no one from my side was there. As I have said before I cant make others do the right thing, but I sure can make sure that I do. I dont usually share these things with most people, but my heart so desperatly wants to help someone else who has no choice but walk in my shoes. What my family did not only to me but my girls and my husband is something they too will have to live with. I try to forgive not really for them but for me. I have been through plenty so by hurting them only hurts me and I feel that i'm worth more than that. I forgive but I will never forget. I'd like to share this poem that I wrote to my boys. Here goes.

It's been a long dark journey since you went away.

I know if it was up to you, i'm sure you would've stayed.

At first it was so painful that I could hardly breathe.

My heart became like a puzzle that was missing an important piece.

Then I began to talk to God, and to him I gave it all, every sadness, every hurt, every sorrow, every fall.

Overtime the sun came back to me and repaired my broken heart, It still leaks every once in a whhile but doesn't break apart.

I'll never know the reason why you had to leave this way, but I will never let you go in my soul you'll always stay.

When I'm down the tears engulf my face, I read this poem to myself and pray for Gods gentle grace.

I hope this helps you as it has me. I will search for whatever I can get to get even a little bit of peace in my heart. Hugs and Love to you.

Dear Anne, my fiance left  2 month and 15days after my daughter passed away because he felt that I should "be over it" and now focus my attention on him as my focus for 39 1/2 years was my disabled daughter. Lesson.... there are selfish and self centered people in this world and we are better off really without them in our lives! They will ANSWER to a high power in the end. We will go on and live with our grief and get support from people that do not have these traits. They will be there because they truly do care and they are the ones who are worthy of our love , not the selfish and narcissistic people that have no clue. Peace be with you all. Angie

  Correction........Higher power 

I come and read...and let my tears go... I miss my wonderful sister so much...9 months without my soulmate and my bestets friend.... Your words and thoughts speak to my heart too.. and feel like my mum and dad are sharing their thoughts through you.. I know they keep a brave face for me and would not reveal their full depth of pain.. thats what I do  too but I know the pain and can read through your words their words... My heart is broken without my amazing sister.. I can't move on can't accept future without her... My sister has given me gift .. the baby girl she always wanted with me in just 5 weeks...I hope she looks just like her and that she mellows down the pain for my mummy and daddy too... bless you all..

Angela I totally agree.  The family and friends who stay with us through are grief are the family and friends for life.

My one year remembrance was bittersweet yesterday.  We had a good turn out.  I'm thankful since it will be the last big gathering my husband and I will host.  Many of Sam's real friends came and for the ones who couldn't make it they sent us notes.  Before our balloon release to the skies, I read this poem.  I want to share with you, my friends here on this site.  The author is Unknown but it sums up my feelings.

Thinking of you with Love

We thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new

We thought about you yesterday,

and days before that too.

We think of you in silence,

we often speak you name.

All we have are memories,

and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,

with which we will never part.

God has you in His keeping,

we have you in our hearts.

A million times we've wanted you.

A million times we cried.

If love could only have saved you,

you never would have died.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

But you didn't go alone.

For part of us went with you....

the day God called you Home.

Peace to you my friends.

Another Dream about my Niles.... I woke up crying ...

He was away at some kind of treatment home... we were talking about him... I was sad and very upset and wanted to talk to him... I said... "I got to call him.. I haven't talked to him soo long and I really Miss him..." then I reached for the phone.... and woke up crying because I can't call him... he isn't gonna come home soon from treatment home....  there is no phone call.... I don't know.... almost 3 years in the end of May.....   Do I really need to do drugs to get through this grief.... am I now past the point where I have really got a Psychiatric problem?

I had my first dream of Danny last night, I had a daughter in the dream. I have never had a daughter. It was an odd dream overall not what I was expecting.

Dear Grace, please dont turn to drugs if you can hellp it. Greif is not something that drugs can fix. I speak from great experience. the only thing drugs did for me was prolong the inevitable, and that is I had to go through the greif not above or around it for life to change. I do take prozac but I took this long before the death of my sons. I have been given every physco and illeagal drug there is and all it did was make my journey worse. I have been hospitalized and drugged up against my will more times than I care to remember. When I took my life back and stopped all the drugs,but my prozac I finally became coherent enough to make my own descisions. The drug thing is a very scarry and long road. I was blessed to finally get a very good pyschologist who allowed me to greive and feel the thngs I needed to. I am now 13 years and one more son dead through this nitemare and I believe iin my heart if only I had been left to greive I might have come to acceptance much sooner and much less painful if thats possible. When my son Ben died I went through it on my own. He's been gone 4 years now and I miss them both everyday, but I would much rather miss them and know that i'm missing them then have my mind and my heart in a deep fog. There is no cure for greif. There is no drug or drink that can change any of it or make better or go away. Please be very careful of what you put in your body. Be sure to research any drug you intend to take.

Dear Friends, I will not be talking to you for a while because I am very sick. Tommorow I leave for the hospital and I pray that they can fix me. So to all of you I wish for you Peace and Love. When I get my body fixed I will be back as I consider all of you friends. Thanks to all for sharing your experiences and words.I gather great strenght from knowing that I am not alone in this thing thats called greif.

Dear Anne, sending healing prayers your way.  I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.  Hugs.

PEACE Anne and everyone....  My doctor asked me if I needed her to "Give Me Something" since my son died... and I said "No" When it wears off he will still be dead". But sometimes I wonder if I am right.... especially when I seem to have no control of my Dream State and have this Longing to find him... bring him home..... then Reality hits me in the face that He is not coming Home.... EverEver Again... and I am so Powerless to change any of it......

I hope you find good health Anne and we see you online soon.....

I'll pray for you Anne. Hope you feel better soon.

Dear Anne, thanks so much for sharing a piece of yourself by sharing your poem. Not much to say.......wow.  Sending you many hugs.

Dear Rosie, thanks for sharing  what you read and I am glad that you had a good turn out for the one year remembrance. Sending many hugs

Dear Anne I wish you wellness and i will be thinking of you always, love karen

Praying for your return to health Anne.  Hugs.

Adrienne you are right about  no one else understanding better than our family here.

Anne, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you get better soon. Take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing the beautiful poem you wrote for your sons. Big hugs. Robin

Saturday, the 3rd was six months since we lost Zach. It still seems totally not real but I know I have to face the fact that he is not just hanging out with is friends, he is not coming home or walking through out front door ever again. Friday night I kept having flash backs of that horrible night and days that followed. It all seems like a horrible nightmare, I still have that feeling that some how I can fix it. During the week on put on my mask and go to work, take care of my granddaugthers, do the things I am suppose to do. Then every weekend the mask starts to slowly peel away. I have been making myself go to church on Sundays, and this Sunday I really did not want to go because my husband could not go with me. I forced myself, because it does make me feel good, but ever time I go I cry. So many people there know me and my family, and I just feel like they have that face when they see me. I know you all know what I mean. It was one of those, goose bump moments though. My pastor talked about how we all go through hard times, and we don't understand but how when something bad happens and someone says "I'm so sorry" how it means to much more when someone can say "I'm sorry I went through the same thing last year". He said that hopefully we can use the bad experiences to help someone else who is going through something similar. That is what you all do for me on here. My husband went to the dr. last week and was diagnosed with clinic depression and post traumatic stress disorder. The counselor said it is very common when someone goes through something sudden and traumatic and unexpected like how Zach died. They changed my husband's medication and he will continue with counseling, hopefully it will help him some. I know you all know how hard going through this can be on a marriage. My husband  never used to go to church with me, but he usually goes with me now. That is one good thing that has come from this nightmare. Thank you for letting me ramble this morning. Take care my friends. Big hugs. Robin

Hugs Robin...... Yes I do know how you feel... I've had many sad times....  I have reruns of that time that replays over again.... and in my dreams I try to change the reality of him not ever coming home again.....    HUGS

Yesterday, while riding home from work, I was saying to my sister " I wonder if Tammy is missing us and sad. I hoped that she was  happy in Heaven and doing all the thing she could not do while on Earth  Walking, running, no breathing problem, no sickness. This morning my sister came to me and asked "is this yours?". She was holding one of those pins that go on a lapel. Not so uncommon those pins... except it was an Angel pin. She found in on the floor of my bedroom . I have a similar pin attached to a curtain in my grand children's bedroom. It is still in the children's room. I don't know where the pin she was holding came from. I truly believe my sweet daughter left it there last night to let me know she is okay. I am at peace. Thank you my sweet angel , my precious. I love you forever ...MOM

Oh, Angela how wonderful for you!! Glad this brought you some peace.

Everyone, please say some prayers for me as I am approaching Roxanne's birthday celebration.  Her birthday is April 1st.  This will be the first one without her. I know many of you here have recently had this experience.  Last year on her 17th, Roxanne organized a blood drive from her hospital bed.  She didn't want anything for herself, she only wanted to give back.  The drive was a huge success and so, this year, I am once again hosting.  It's given me something positive to focus on instead of just the dread of the day itself. But I know it will still be a tuff day.  check out the video I posted on my page in honor of her birthday.

I will say a prayer for you Lisa.