I am amazed at the people you would not expect, have had the experience of losing a child. I gentleman today was coming over to install solar screens and it was raining. He suggested doing it tomorrow after his church service; I told him I could not be at home. I told him we have some family memorial tomorrow for Danny, he then volunteered information that he had lost a son 20 years earlier. We talked a bit and he said he laid his grief into the hands of the lord. He still remembers but the grief is softer. I think he and I will be talking more on this matter.

Hello to all, I am in such a low place.......more than usual. Tomorrow is my son's birthday. I will celebrate is life with a few family and friends. The hardest thing for me during his last birthday was was lighting all of the candles, knowing that he wouldn't be able to blow them out. Instead, my youngest child had the honor. I am so overwhelmed with my tears and heartache. I don't think I will light candles tomorrow, but hey, that could change in an instant. All day I've had to fight to control my urge to scream, I just want to scream soooooo bad. I usually don't refrain from screaming when I want, which I usually reserve for when I'm riding in my car alone but I am afraid that if I let loose I may end up in the hospital tonight. I am so angry, my son has not gotten any justice yet, his case is still open and I hold onto the thought that they will be held accountable for their cowardly actions. 

My son would have been going out tonight with his friends and close cousins to celebrate his upcoming birthday tomorrow. He loved to go out, he loved his life. I have so much anxiety over who will stop by tomorrow, who will remember, who has forgotten, who will tell me a funny story that i knew nothing about?  My son will ALWAYS be my son, my baby. He is not a figment of my imagination, I carried him in my womb, I gave birth to him, I watched him grow until he was taken away from me, I love him so much. This tragedy has left such a bad taste in my mouth......I want my son back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs to you Karen,  on such a difficult day.  It will be good to see some of your son's dear friends and your family to honor his birthday.  Hope you find some peace today and feel his presence at the gathering. 

Thanks so much Rosie for your continued support.

Adrianne, I am sure that your Valentine's day will never be the same again, I am truly sorry. This is all just so hard.

Everyone, well I survived.......barely.  My son's birthday came and left. Sadly, I didn't find much comfort. My heart was further broken because more than half the people I expected did not come by : (   . I wept long and hard, I was so disappointed, not one of his friends came!!! Only a few close family members came. This hurts so bad, it's like they forgot about my son, I feel like they are all fake. His birthday and his life is not a priority to them I guess. He's just a memory to them!!!!!  My daughter tried to comfort me by saying that the few that came, is what matters and how we didnt need anyone to come.  I just feel devastated because many more came over for his last birthday. I don't know how I will react when I run into them. It's like I am angry and sad, all rolled up into one. I feel like,  how could they do this to their friend?! I am worried that this is how it will be from now on.  Hopefully I'll be back on soon, I have an excruciating headache, good night.

Sorry to everyone that has been having some difficult days... Karen... I don't think even close family has been there for most holidays and his birthday has always been passed over.  My son had Autism and was almost rejected from most of my family even while he was alive.... I haven't expected anything from anyone... that is why it is so good to have this group to vent to.   My marriage has been in a deep depression for years and the death of my Niles has almost killed it totally. It seems as no one can understand that I am not wonder woman and I really need someone to prop me up and support me instead of assuming that I am Strong Enough for even this tital wave.   I think I have built walls to protect myself from these people who just do not understand this loss and devestation.  I do not expect anyone else to understand how we feel.... we really did not either until we were thrown into this pit.    PEACE

Well, I think I have the answer to Danny's death explained in laymans terms.

http://www.drhotze.com/exercise-that-could-kill-you/

Adrianne, yes & yes. they just put on the death certificate heart attack.

Dick, Sounds like your Danny took as good of care of his health by trying to keep fit and his photos show such a handsome man.  I am soooo sorry that he had this heart attack and that you are so weighted with grief.  In past posts you talk about feeling guilt.... but I want you to know that it sounds like Danny had a wonderfully full life and kept his health as a priority..... You raised a nice young man..... I know we all wish we could have... should have... done things differently and wish we could bring them back....  but try not to blame yourself..... because all I see is a wonderful handsome young man that was taken from his family way too soon.... PEACE

i am weakening... i am battling to survive each day... i am weakening ... physically i am weakening

Stephanie, so sorry to hear.... please know you are not alone.  Some days are a little better than others, we're a little stronger....  but also know that some days will be trying what little strength we have, it will test our sanity.... test our broken hearts and broken dreams. Just know you're not alone.  We're battling our demons one day at a time. Hugs to you.

Karen, I'm sorry about your birthday gathering.  My son's one year is on March 3rd.  I'm doing another gathering at my house with family, friends and friends of Sam's.  I think this will be the last big gathering I'll host.  I'm afraid that on my son's next birthday and 2nd memorial anniversary will be a different turn out similar to what you experienced yesterday.  My heart will break too if this happens.  I figure for this next birthday and 2nd anniversary in 2013, I will only do for my immediate family.  If any of his friends ask to come over than I will let them know they're welcome. 

It's that stark reality that hits all of us, where the world turns, people move on, people keep going, especially the teenagers once they graduate and start college, their lives will move on.  I just hope that with some of them, they remember and will always have a special place for Sam in their hearts always.  So sad this feeling.

Lately with Sam's one year around the corner, I've been having flashbacks on that day he died.  I know this is normal feeling that happens to all of us.  Just a hard day today for me too.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

thank you rosie, my hearts love to you on your difficult day. we are here to carry each other through these very very hard times. think of us - we'll all be with you. thank you for your caring, love steph xxx

It sounds like many of us have been having hard days. My granddaugther and oldest daughters birthdays were last week and my son, Zach's absence was definitely missed. It was so hard because its not only my husband and I missing Zach, but watching your other children and grandchildren hurting too is so very hard. Karen, I am so sorry that you were disappointed on the absence of so many for your son's birthday, that must have hurt so badly. Though it is almost close to six months since we lost Zach, it is so hard already watching others move on. I know that that is what they should do, and that is what Zach would want, but sometimes I get so angry I could scream. I just don't want anyone to ever forget him, he was a one of a kind! So sorry we are all hurting, one day at a time. Big hugs. Robin

A random thought came to me last night: I am not just grieving the loss of my precious daughter, I am also grieving the loss of my identity.  For 23 years, I was "mommy" and while I do still have my son, he is many miles away, living his own life. As a hard working single mom, I had little time in life for anything but my children. Now I feel lost and adrift.  I have tried to connect with old friends and make new ones but it doesn't seem to be working too well. Anybody understand what I am talking about?

Many thanks to all for your support relating to my extreme disappointment on my son's birthday. Having others understand really does help, makes me feel not so alone..........unfortunately.

I wish I had the magic formula to get rid of all pain and suffering so that we could all enjoy life. Many hugs.

{{hugs}} Adrianne! Just remember, one step, one breath, one minute at a time.

Hey Adrianne, I agree with what Lisa said' even though sometimes it's a lot easier said than done. Sometimes ............ many times, just to get through the day, I convince myself that my son is away on vacation and he has been to busy to call me. I still send my son text messages and I must admit that I do check to see if he texted me back. I still have more bad days than "good" days. That's just how my life is.              Hugs to all!

Adrianne, I plan to go to Verizon this weekend to find out how to preserve messages. I will get back to you on this.

I think my daily conversations with Danny and my Father helps me. I have my time to talk with both of them; unfortunately they do not answer back. I was at the church garden late yesterday night talking and praying on the Danny's bench, I was spooked by a swoosh near by. I am not suggesting anything but I was startled by movement; but nothing was there.

Am I going nuts? I just saw another swoosh out of the side of my eye. I did not get a clear look at it; but nothing should have been there. I am starting to psych my self out.

I'm really sad today, I guess I am sad everyday, but sometimes it makes me feel really really heavy inside.  Yesterday I told Silas to send me a message, and something good came of that anyway.  Today I was in the ymca signing up to work out, and there was a woman in line who had these little twins.  I heard her call them Silas and Phoebe, the names of my Sy guy and his big sister Phoebe.  What are the chances with those names?  that made me feel a little better, but it didn't last.  I want my beautiful boy back here, damn it.  I just don't even have the energy to stay on the earth some days, although I know that I don't really have a choice when it comes to that.  UGH.

Face it, we are not gonna get any better than we are now.

Wow Lorraine, you are right, what are the chances of that?!! That's pretty incredible. I know what you mean about running out of energy to deal with this madness.

Many hugs to you and everyone

A song for everyone feeling bad.

http://youtu.be/w_DKWlrA24k

Another song for the sad:

http://youtu.be/R0xoMhCT-7A

Dear Lisa,

I read your post and would like to share with you that I have had that same revelation in the past week. I spoke with my counselor about it. It is so true that we feel like our identity has been stolen from us. I cared for my disabled daughter for 39 1/2 years since my age of 17. I don,t know any other way to go about my life than as her mother and caregiver as everything I did and every thought I had for all those years centered around how it would affect her. We just have to take it day to day and muddle through forming our new selves. I miss her and am lost but I know that she would want me to find the new me and new path that God has planned for me. I know that she is not suffering now and is running and laughing in heaven. She told me that she was not afraid and knew that her broken body would be whole again. I find peace in that. My daughter suffered from spina bifida, and she never walked or ran a day of her life and praise GOD she can do that now! She was on a home ventilator the last 2 months of her precious life and I was heartbroken but yet joyful when she passed as I knew she would no longer suffer. Her death was peaceful and she had a smile on her face! I cry for her and I know she would not want that. I read all posts and we all are suffering but our loved ones are with GOD and they are joyful. Let us take peace in this.   Angie

dear Angela, I really need to believe that my son is ok and happy. I still struggle with that concept, I just have such an uneasy feeling that he is afraid and angry that he was robbed of his young life. Perhaps those are just my feelings and not his.  I yearn for him to contact me and reassure me that he is fine and has only experienced peace. I guess my struggle will never end, for I will NEVER be able to accept my son being gone. I just want  him back, here with me.

Some days I read many post but am not able to comment.....  I have beenreally in a faith crisis and have difficulty thinking that there really is a GOD..... sometimes I think he is the Adult version of Santa Claus..... So it is hard for me to share the idea of my son being in a "Better Place".  It is still so hard for me to see an afterlife... I just feel he is not here.... I look at his pictures and have memories but

but have a hard time wrapping my mind around the Cremains and that somehow He has made it "Someplace Else"..... I guess GOD and I are at Odds with each other because I can not understand WHY I must lose my son.....

Then there are nights where I dream that my son is snuggling right up next to me... looking up at me with his blue eyes.... and then My sleep is intruded with the reality that it is just a Dream.... and I can not get the Dream back....  

There are times (It has been almost 3 Years come the end of May)  When My mind has thoughts that I am just to afraid to talk about.... 1 because I worry I am losing my mind.... and 2 just the thought of speaking these thoughts outloud seems to be so painful..... even the thoughts all by themselves in my private mind are so painful... I  tell my mind to not think......  I PUSH the emotions back into that    back area of my mind and want to hide it away or I feel that I will Break into a Million Pieces.     

Yet at the Same time I feel the Warmth of that Little boy Snuggling into me....

Hi Everyone, I have been like Grace lately.  Come here every week to check the posts, but not able to comment.  Have a lot I could say, but no energy to to write it.  

Frances, you said,  'That we are not going to get any better than we are now'.  I hope that will not be true for any of you.  At one time I felt that way too, but I have had  some better days and I am so grateful.  Don't let that thought control you.

Dick, I enjoyed your songs.  Two of my favorites.  Use to listen to Louie's 'Wonderful World' all the time, and for our son's one year balloon release, my daughter had Israel's 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' playing in the background.

Just came out of a hard grief phase.  I'm at 19½ months and one thing I've learned is that I go through phases.  'Okay phases' and 'bad phases'.  The bad ones bring me back to the beginning.  Those days are so hard, but I've learned that they will end and I will get a break from the hard grief.  When I'm there I tell myself that it will get better again.  Just need to hang on and get through the day.  The soft grief gives me hope now.  I'm selfish when it comes because I want it to stay with me.  I will never stop loving, missing, or grieving for my son,  but I have hope that it won't always be so devastating.  I've tried to find what brings me to the bad place and avoid going there when I have that control, but I can't always control it.

And for my own comfort, I have come to a place where I believe my son is and what he is doing.  This works for me and helps me have less anxiety.  Not knowing and thinking about it is difficult.  Try to believe in something good / peaceful and stay focused on that.

These are just things that I'm finding that help me to keep going.  Don't think I still don't go through bad days / weeks because I do.  Just last week I think I was at one of my worst times.  I literally just wanted to lay down and roll myself up into a ball and not exist.  It was hard, but it has passed (again).  As I said ... phases.

Take care of yourselves and search out those things that will help you.  I think of you all every day and pray. 

From my  (¯`v´¯) to yours.
                 `*.¸.*.♥              

I have been feeling like, everyone is tired of hearing me say the same old thing. Does anyone else ever feel that way? I can't believe it is almost six months since we lost Zach, it makes me feel sick and anxious all over again. I am like you though Ammy, I do sometimes have moments when I feel not completely overwhelmed with my grief, but then in a couple days it will hit me hard again. It gives me hope though when I read someones post that says they do have days that they are okay. I do believe in God and heaven, but the other day I was walking my dogs and the thought came to me "what if there really isn't a heaven and I will never ever see Zach again". I cannot even explain to you how I starting feeling like I couldn't breath, and overwhelming panic and anxiety, and the grief was so intense. I had to try my hardest to put a stop to that thought right away. I have to believe that I will see my Zach again someday, any other thought is too much to bare. Wish none of us ever had to go through this. Robin

Angela - Thanks for the response! And Ammy thank you for your post! It's nice to know that there are brighter days ahead.  I have been going through a fairly good phase myself even though some stressful things are happening around me. But I am slowly learning to place Roxanne in her new reality. Doesn't mean I am "letting her go", doesn't mean I am forgetting her.  It just means that I am accepting what has happened, horrible as it may be, and accepting that there is NOTHING I can do to change it.  I also believe that she is in a much better place, she is not suffering, and she is eternally happy.  Understanding these things is helping me to heal and to establish a new and different relationship with her. Our grief will always be with us, but it will change over time.  Like you said Ammy, it will go through phases.  I know and accept that there are still many bad days ahead of me. But oddly enough, knowing that helps.  We are all different in the way that we approach this journey and we all need one another very much.  Like you said Robin, after awhile our other friends don't want to hear it anymore. They don't want to dwell in the valley of the shadow death. And I guess I understand that.  Hugs to everyone today - Lisa

Grace, I have been counseled about "Jesus Claus". That is not how it works, you got to have faith and not "pray" for goodies. Ask for healing and how you can be used.

I had a stone that was given to me by Danny I had been carrying around with me to help me remember. Yesterday, after church, it fell out of my pocket and split in two. I took it as a sign my son does not want me to hurt any longer. I took it and a hand written prayer to the gravesite and buried both. It happend almost 6 months since his passing.

I feel like I am improving, I think it is because I have decided to set aside time each day for my grieving and I talk to Danny and my Father. I tell them I miss them and the news of the day. I sometime get mad with Danny for leaving me alone. I end it with a prayer.

I think this time is positive for me.

Hello dear Lisa. I so appreciate your encouraging words that you shared with Angela. I can only hope that I too will one day, truly feel that my son is ok. I really need to believe that. I guess I just haven't been able to say that this is my son's new reality because that would have to also be my reality and I don't want that.

Thanks again.......many hugs!

Hugs to all.

Hi Toni, just read your message, and I completely understand Your Feelings.  My son Matt, left for heaven due to a car crash on June 28, 2006.(He was 26)..I totally  shut down...oh,eventually I went through the motions of life and I think most people thought that I was doing OK butI wasnt'...But most of my problem was an anger with GOD...I am a Christian, and I just could not believe THE LORD would allow this to happen...but HE didn't...HE is not the author of death...HE LOVES US...Finally, I have allowed THE LORD to heal my spirit of grief...I think there is a difference between healthy grieving, and having a spirit of grief on you that will not go away....It is still so raw and fresh for you, just give it some more time.  But I can tell You JESUS can heal You!  Of course I still miss Matt, but when I think of Him or have a memory of Him, it makes me feel good, not bad...I will pray that the Lord will begin HIS healing in You today....He wants to, just let him.....Blessings, Patti (Matt's Mom)

MY heart goes out to the families I hear about on the news that lose kids..... like the OHIO families that lost 3 from the shooting... and my heart goes out to the family of the shooter too.... what a terrible day for all to survive.... and now 3 more families could be ready to sign in to this group,  How sad.... to have to Welcome another broken heart.....  so sorry we all have to be here..... but also Grateful for a place to come share our sorrow..... where we all really can understand how broken we are.  

I have become more attentive when I hear these stories about loss.....

Adrianne,

I am not a professional so I have no idea if it will work for you. I have just set aside a portion of my day to grieve, cry, pray, rant or whatever I need to do. I do it intently and don't let other issues interfere. I am still sad for my loss, but it does not seem to follow me all day by my knowing I have a time and place. I wish I could have my son back, but I know that is only a wish and I have to power through my life without Danny now. For myself, I have found a way to keep the sadness at bay for the greater part of my life. My heart is still broken.

To all who are hurting, I too am a mother of 2 sons gone to heaven, and I've been doing this thing called greif a long time. Nothing will ever stop the tears when they need to come. Your heart will always be broken. But I believe that even though I as a vessel am cracked and leaky my life is important. the death of a child will never and I mean never be easy nor can I ever understand why. I do however believe that I am still here for many reasons. The most important reason to honor their lives and to work to rebuild mine because love never dies. Love is everything and death can never take that from me unless I allow it to. I am the master of  my vessel, and only I can decide how and when I grieve. I have learned over time that the pain of it all is so severe at times that I can hardly breathe even after all these years, but me and only me has the right to decide whats the best way to handle it and for how long. Nothing can ever stop me from loving Ben, and Del. They were and always will be a big part of my life. So to all of you I say do what feels right to you. Honor your child the way you see fit and never stop loving, for love helps fill the cracks and leaks. I will never be a whole vessel again but I am stronger and wiser because of the all the cracks and leaks. To my sons in heaven, dont worry about your mama for because of you I am a better person and I will never allow anyone or anything t stop me from loving the same way I have loved and will always love you.

I will always miss the boys, always. If I thought for one moment that I could hold them in my arms again I would do anything. I would go trough all of it over again just for one more hug. Dont get me wrong I yearn for their touch everyday. I think of them every day sometimes all day, but I cant change whats already happened, but I do hold onto the thought that one day when and if I go to heaven I will hold them again. I have to believe that or I could not survive.