As I sit here sobbing, while my heart is breaking over and over again, I wish I could erase all of the pain that we are all experiencing, I wish that this was never a part of this life.

dearest Karen, you did right, you did so right by him, i promise you that... what an amazing thing he could have given - life. i'm going to answer you more properly - just right now i am going thru one of those times - the agonizing days when you cant function. i bring up all the time, cant keep anything down, i get physically sick with the grief. but it will pass and i so want to write you. all my love, steph xxx

My heart aches for all of who have lost one of our very special loves, be it a son or a daughter. This past week I have cried so many tears, I couldn't figure out why it was hitting me so hard again. Then silly me, I realized Valentines Day (I always get all my kids candy on Valentines Day), my granddaughters 6 birthday is on the 15th (she loved her Uncle Zach) and my oldest daughter's birthday is on the 18th. All of these special days, Zach would have been there, smiling from ear to ear. Sneaking eating his girlfriend's candy, even though I would have bought him the same thing. How I wish I could turn back the clock, give my beautiful son a big hug and kiss, tell him how much I love him and am proud of him. I'm so very sorry for all us Moms and Dads on hear whose hearts are breaking. Big hugs. Robin

I am really sick, I just thought it was in my head. Apparently, grief does a number on your immune system.

it DEFINITELY does Dick, it really does. you cant believe the things that have happened to my state of health since my baby girl passed on...

I just posted a bunch of pictures of Danny and family if anyone is interested.

I feel like a Mack truck ran over me today, sick.

Hey Dick, I hope you begin to feel physically ok soon. Grief can be very harmful to our health, I am paying the price right now.

Many hugs to you.

Hey Adrianne, I probably would not not be able to visit as often as I do if it was so far away. I know that some people never want to return there again. I still read my son's name on his monument in total disbelief.

Many hugs!

My mother wants me to go to a grief counselor. I have already been to one and it was no help. I don't want drugs either, I gave up drinking. Because, when I come down or sober up; my son is still gone. So I just want to meet his grief head on and deal with it. My grief is very much guilt driven, i know that much. I don't need someone to tell me and then have a grief counselor tell me its not. Not helpful.

I think a lot of my stress is my legacy will not carrying on. I hope my only son will have children soon. I think that would relieve some of my stress.

Hi Dick, don't give up on a grief counselor.  You have to find one you can connect with.  I was fortunate enough to find one that has helped me.  For the first 3 months or so, I was seeing her 1x a week.  Now I see her 2x a month.  She listens with no judgement and has given me many good advice.  For example, in one of my sessions where I was crying and telling her some things I felt so guilty about when Sam was growing up, she told me to not look at it as guilt but regrets.  This helped me when sometimes I relived the past and feel like I could have done more for my son.  She helped me look at each situation from a different view point.  Each grief counselor is different and works differently.  You just have to find one you feel comfortable with.   I hope you find some peace.  Hugs to you all.

Adrianne, a big hug to you for tomorrow.  It will be a tough day and please know that your friends here on this site will be thinking of you. 

You want to know my real guilt?

Danny wanted to go to New York and work as a model. I told him to stay and finish his college degree, he listened to me. When he finished he could not find a job, he looked very hard. Instead of working, he exercised very hard...25 mile/day run, weights, diver training every day. I think he pushed himself too hard and caused a heart attack.  I now regret not letting him go to New York to persue his dream. Maybe life would be completely different, this is my heavy burden to bear.

He painted and remodeled his grandmothers bath last summer. Mom told me Sunday he would calorie restrict in some odd ways and eat raw eggs.She thinks he may have caused a electrolyte imbalance with his diet. I just do not know, I just thought he was a health nut.

If you look at his pictures and video he looks gaunt, I never noticed it before.

I should have intervened.

I just realized it has been 6 months since Danny passed. :( Time just flowing.

Hello to all, I have stayed away for awhile as I am dealing with some personal things and I can't even think straight, but that is now 'normal' for me anyhow.  I have read the posts and just seem to be able to relate to everyone's feelings.  Do you all feel that way too?  Or is it just me?  You all are in my thoughts and prayers each day.

Adrianne, I am thinking of you and Don.  I hope today was not too bad.

Take care all.  I send you all my love.

I almost forgot to post something a friend had sent me and I wanted to share.  It may be a blessing to someone.

Love is a gift.  It makes you feel richer, deeper, and brighter.  When a loved one is gone, taken, it feels like the gift is gone.  Remember that you are a different person because of their love.  You would be another you if their life hadn't graced your life.  Although you long for their physical form, remember that the gift -- their love -- remains with you now and forever.

Yes Ammy as I read so much of everyone's feelings are mine as well,  

 My husband makes me feel so alone in my grief and when I come here I feel more understood.   Not that he is not struggling - just that he does not talk about it-  -  -    when I ask him again this morning to talk to me as I sat with tears dripping off my face he said-  what is there to talk about----!!!   we can't change it.....   I see why so many parents living in this hell - loose their marriage as well.

Does anyone else ever have any anxiety over the thoughts of people forgetting our children, mainly family and close friends? I agonize over this a lot. I guess it's because i see how the world is going on without my son. I once considered myself a rational person and a intelligent person, so I thought I understood that this is the ugly side of life. I have always been the person that was moved by roadside memorials and such. I would always realize that hey, someone's loved one passed away. I was always able to empathize with stories of loss in the news papers or on the news. I am a nurse, so I have seen first hand unfortunately many tragedies and the loss of life, young to the very old. I never became desensitized, i always imagined how this person could be someone I loved or cared for. I have had to prepare patients that passed away for their ones to come to and see them before they have to be moved. There were many times that I wept for them and their families. I never provided postmortem care as if they were a "body", this person had a life. Some health care providers become so desensitized that they try to have normal conversations and even joke around during this preparation, but I would NEVER allow that, I thought that was very disrespectful and showed no compassion. As a matter of fact, it use to make me angry.  I say all of this to say that nothing could have prepared me for the sudden tragic loss of my young son.  Do people really realize how fragile life is or not until they actually experience losses like we have? I have always said that there can't be anything worse or more traumatic, than having to bury your child, no matter what age or what circumstance. I never imagined that I would be walking in these shoes! I haven't worked since months before my son passed away due to my health problem, I wish I could return because it would probably help distract me from my own grief.

Thanks again to all for always listening, love karen R.

I wonder if the day will come that I will be able to say that all of this is getting easier. For me, time is going by and i am not feeling that way. Counting the days, weeks, months and years that are coming and going, only sadly remind me that my son hasn't come home yet. It just feels like the days are getting longer, not better. I see my son's friends as a reminder that he is not around. Some days....a lot of days.....I have to convince myself that my son is "ok" and away on a "vacation", just for me to get through the day to ease my anxiety. I am so glad that I have never been a person that experimented with drugs or drink alcohol because I would probably abuse it and stay drunk/high all the time. I see how it could happen. I thought about getting some anti depressant medication but I don't like the side effects. I was desperate enough one night to drive my self to the ER for admission to a psych unit because I felt so alone  but I turned my car around and told myself they wouldn't be able to help me or probably just tell me what I don't want to hear.

Karen, 

Those are my thoughts as well. I used to drink alcohol, not abuse it. I have chosen not to take another drop since my son passed. I want the full range of emotions.

I have always noticed roadside markers and understood what they stood for, they are just more real to me now.

I had a bench placed in our church garden in memory of Danny, I sit on it each day on my way home from work to ask for absolution and forgiveness. 

I know what you all mean about that others will forget. I try to bring Zach up in conversation as often as I can. I don't know if people feel uncomfortable or not, I don't really care because I will never forget. I think about him first thing in the morning when I wake up and many times during the day, and last thing before I go to bed at night. I feel like the last couple of weeks it is just getting harder. I have been going to church, which in a way brings me relief because I always end up crying, but on the other hand I always feel like everyone is looking at me. I know I shouldn't care, a lot of the people there are my friends and know what I am going through and only want to help. I always felt so much pain for people who had lost a child, and wondered how they got through it. I never thought I would be one of those people. I don't think we ever get through it, but hopefully I will survive this. I know what you mean Karen about the drinking and getting high. I am a recovering alcoholic, have not drank for 30 years one day at a time, but this has definitely been a test. The only thing between me and a drink or some other mind altering chemical right now I think must my higher power, which I chose to call God. It would be so easy to just get numb, but like Dick said, after I sobered up or came down the facts would still be the same. My Zach is gone and will not be walking through the front door every again. God please help us all find some peace. Robin

Robin

I really relate to so much you have commented about. As well as with Adrianne and Robin today.  It is tough to try to learn just How to carry on after the losses.  My heart goes out to you all.  God bless.  Becca

Hello Dick  and Robin, its good to hear that you have refrained from using alcohol and any other drugs. I could see how easy it would especially since you drank in the past. I wonder if I would be as strong if I had drank before. When my son's best friend passed away a year before him, his mother was at the burial holding a bag that had a bottle of alcohol in it. Just before they began to lower her son, also 21yrs old at that time, she took the bottle out and started to guzzle it.......my heart just melted as I watched her do that, I will NEVER forget that. I knew there was nothing i could say or do to comfort her,  I never thought that I would be following her footsteps shortly after.

I know Adrianne, what lesson is this?!  I had asked myself why did I think I would be exempt from from this type of loss/pain?  Why did I always think that it would always be someone else's child? I guess that's why sometimes I feel like I was being punished, maybe "GOD" was showing me that I wasn't as "good" as I thought I was. Did it happen for God to show me that I wasn't a good mother to my son, was it pay back for making him leave that night and not taking his side against his grandfather? Did it happen to strengthen my faith or destroy it? What is the lesson, what is the reason? So far, I can't think of a reason, I can't think of a single thing that would make sense to me or make all of this "ok". My missing link could never be replaced. This whole nightmare has just reaffirmed what I already knew, and that is how fragile life really is. I just hoped that my children would bury me, to me, that would be the greatest blessing I could have received. I want my son and my life back.

Oh ok, that's good. A glass of wine is not bad. I probably would drink the whole bottle now even though I dont drink anything, not even wine coolers. I just feel like I am totally nuts!

My choice not to drink is to honor Danny, sort of a self flagellation. I did not have a hair shirt handy.

Hey Becca, maybe you can re-post your message again.......many hugs.

I wrote this poem one night when I was at one of my darkest. 

  Love is fearless as it goes into the deepest dark to find the light

  of the soul we thought we lost

    but is found there - sitting in the moment of no time.

I feel like as a mother or a father, we would go to hell and back, put aside our fears if only for one moment we could see our child again.  I miss my son so much today.  Hugs to you all that is going through this nightmare.

Thanks for sharing, I am sure we would all go to any length just to see and better yet, hold our child again.......I cry with you all.

I found out late last night that my oldest niece, who is more like a little sister to me, is losing her battle with cancer.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer just over a year ago, and seemed to be doing well until around Christmas.  She has now learned that the cancer has spread to her lungs and brain and she has two cancerous nodes on her back.  She is fighting valiantly, but I am fearful for her.  Through this all, my most fervent prayer though has been for my sister (her mother) I have begged God to please not ask my sister to endure what I have had to endure.  Maybe that's a selfish prayer, but I so want to spare her this pain. As I would spare ALL parents this pain.

Dear Lisa i am sorry to learn of this news in regards to your niece. I hope that your sister will be spared of such pain and that your niece's full recovery prevails.

Big hugs to you!

Dear, dear Karen R.,

You asked what is the lesson.  What is God telling you?  My dear friend, most of us have always been outgoing or outward thinking people.  We have focused on family, friends and the activities that are part of the out workings of life. (ie: performing the roles of butcher, baker, candlestick maker, chief, dish washer, nurse, taxi driver, buyer, seamstress & tailor, chief cook & bottle washer, administrator, CFO, COO, CPA, travel agent and activity planner, psychologist & teacher) The point is, we have spent our lives doing all the outward things while seldom focusing on self.  Our tragedy has changed our focus.  We have heard the saying “heavy heart”?  or “breaking heart”?  or “pains my heart”?  Well, now we have learned that those sayings are not just figures of speech, they are physically real.  Our hearts have broken and we can literally feel the weight of our own heart within our chest.  The sorrow has caused our heart to hurt.  We cannot think of any outward things the shock and pain of it all prevents that.

Like, a pitcher of lemonade, we continue to fill everyone’s glass until it becomes necessary to fill the pitcher or no one will get any lemonade.  You need to be filled again so to speak. The pitcher in you has been broken and a main way of filling yourself has been your beloved son and caring for him.  So now what?  How can we help ourselves?  I truly believe that we need to build our faith in God and his promises. 

As humans we see our flaws, we know them all too well.  We look at ourselves and filter out all the good while closing our eyes to the good.  God sees us through a different filter.  His filter weeds out all the bad and sees all the good, even the things we want to do yet haven’t done yet.  God sees us as though we have already done the good. (Psalm 103:12-14) “As far off as the sunrise is from the sunset, So far off from us he has put our transgressions. ¹³ As a father shows mercy to his sons, Jehovah has shown mercy to those fearing him. ¹⁴ For he himself well knows the formation of us, Remembering that we are dust.”   Yes, God is greater than our hearts. (1 John 3:19-20) “By this we shall know that we originate with the truth, and we shall assure our hearts before him ²⁰ as regards whatever our hearts may condemn us in, because God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.”  We really need to work at seeing ourselves as he sees us.  God loves us so much he let his son die a brutal death to save us from our sins.  What a price he and Jesus paid for us. 

You asked, “Did it happen for God to show me that I wasn't a good mother to my son, was it pay back for making him leave that night and not taking his side against his grandfather? God would NEVER do that.  (James 1:13) “When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone.” (1 John 4:16) “God is love.”  Karen, when you asked your son to leave you were helping the situation and giving them both time to cool down.  You couldn’t ask your father to leave, it is his house.  Bible principles encourage time to think things over and regain self-control. (Proverbs 17:14) “. . .before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave. . .”  You were very wise – trying to preserve their relationship before irreparable damage was done.  I see the wonderful insightful mother you are – I hope you can see it too.

None of our tragedies are or ever will be okay not until the resurrection and we can hold them in our arms once again.  The Bible holds answers to your questions and there are reasons why, as 1 John 5:19 says, “the whole world is lying in the [power of the] wicked one.”  (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those in any sort of tribulation through the comfort with which we ourselves are being comforted by God.”  We do not and cannot live through this on our strength we must lean on God’s strength to carry us through.  Like in the poem Footprints in the Sand – the one set of footprint we see are God’s as he carries us. (Philippians 4:13) “For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me.”

I have and will continue to thank God for such a wise and loving friend.

Sincerely,

Brenda

support@grief-and-comfort.com

www.grief-and-comfort.com

THANKS SWEET BRENDA, AS ALWAYS, YOU OFFER SO MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT WITH SUCH COMPASSION. I READ EACH OF YOUR WORDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I HOPE I WILL GET SOME RELIEF.....SOONER THAN LATER...........MANY HUGS TO YOU.

Thanks Brenda.

It makes me sad the potential that died with Danny.

I would like to dedicate this song to Danny...it sounds most like him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inD5Svx0gV4

This song makes me feel better. Hang loose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrqYyhROo3M

Lisa, I am so sorry to hear that your niece is losing her battle with cancer.  Like you, I hate to see anyone go through this hell we experience with our children gone.  I have been in a down place again, it is like I get half a leg up and then I am knocked back down into the depression.  I miss my Silas so much, I know it is am impossible situation.  Nothing will bring him back.  I do take a bit of comfort in helping other young adults with cancer though Sy's Fund, and it does help me to keep going.  It is taking off like wild fire, with several new applications coming in every week.  Unfortunately we can't make money fast enough to help everyone at this time, still, it is important for me to pay Sy's legacy of generosity forward.  Life is so complicated, none of us should be dealing with this horrendous loss.  Sending hugs to all.

Adrianne, I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. I know how you feel, it will be 6 months on the 3rd since we lost Zach. It still seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Just wondering if you do this, I still keep feeling like I can some how change it from happening. If I just could somehow say this, or do that, the accident would never have happened. I know it is completely irrational, but I know like you I want to change this. I want my son to come back to me. I am so sorry friend. Big hugs. Robin