One of the best things my counselor ever told me was that I will still have a RELATIONSHIP with Roxanne, it will just be different. Granted, it's drastically different, but I so appreciated that he wasn't trying to sell me on the whole "good memories" thing. 

Please dont be too upset about memories. People say stuff because they dont know what to say or how to say it. I always go back to the phrase " they are ignorant and know not what they say" People on the outside could not imagine what we go through. So I just learned to not listen. I just nod my head. I didnt get to see my little boy after he died. He was burned beyond anything, but I did get to hold him in the bag. Now I dont mean to be crude but I believe in being honest. My oldest son I did get to see and hold and I remember that all I could think was that he just needed to wake up. All of those things stem from greif and shock. When I saw him again for his funeral I remember thinking " I'm all out of options"  We all handle this in different ways. I had terrible nightmares for years after my little boy died in that car fire. I thought I was going to lose what little was left of my mind. When Ben (my oldest boy) was killed it was so different. The whole thing from begining to the end was so different. I'm not even sure how to explain it or if I can.I guess the reality of it all for me is Life will never be the same no matter what I do, but at times I do enjoy remembering the way life was, and the laughter, but i've been doing this greif thing for a long time so. I know in my heart that my boys are more than a memory, and that's something no one can ever take from me.

I agree, our children are more than memories to us.  They are a part of us, forever.  Anne, I also agree with what you said about people.  Many people, just don't know what to say or do to help us.  They say the wrong things sometimes, but I let it go knowing that they don't mean to do it on purpose but they just don't know what to say or do.  Since my youngest son passed, I have this fear about my oldest son sometimes.  If something ever happened to him....  I just can't imagine.  Peace to you all my friends. 

Dear Rosie, I too had a terrible time with the fear that I could lose my other children, and then it happened again. I too thought I couldnt do it again but I didnt get a choice. I knew that I had to make a choice about how I was going to handle it again. So far so good. I mean really what else can I do. I still live with that fear but I just cant let it stop me from loving and living. I lived in fear for such a long time, and time is so precious. I have learned to distract myself when I start feeling the fear and most of the time it works. When I let that fear get the best of me it not only hurts me but the rest of my family also. I also tried not caring or loving anyone, and that was just plain crazy. It drove me nuts and my family nuts. So I decided to be stronger than the fear. I also have s very serious relationship with God. which started after I was done going balistic on God, relgion, and faith. I have to say my faith does play a big role in keeping the fear at bay. I still have that fear but it has been slowed way down since I finally figured out I cant control everything. Keep talking about it. It helps to let your feelings  about fear out. try not to think about it happening again if you can cause it doesnt do anything but waste time.

thanx for the support everyone. lisa, that is absolutely it - we still have a RELATIONSHIP with our children. that is what i needed to hear - i didnt know how to verbalise it. anne, you are right that people really care and they just dont know what to say. but i think it takes a long time to learn to ignore them, because it really hurts when they say stuff, and also, when you talk to them, you're ACHING for them to just feel your pain with you, not say "you have wonderful memories". but u are all right - that is not a realistic expectation. whew! this is a tough road, a really long, tough road. ((hugs))

My name is Allan. I have been a part of this support site for several years.  Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of the death of my daughter. Callie was 33 when she died suddenly, just home from Iraq with some illness that we never did figure out. Official cause of death was pneumonia, which we didnt believe, but oh well, that little matters now.  Callie was a proud soldier, married to a soldier. She  loved her work, loved her country, and loved her kids.  Callie left behind 3 children who are well, if still dealing with adjustment and attachment issues.  I see their mom in all of them.  My wife and I keep up with them and we called them all yesterday on the anniversary.  Two of the guys were little so they have not much recollection of either the day or their mother.  Life goes on.  After 3 years I suppose I have entered the "end stages" of my grief work- whatever that means.  I can look back and see where I have been, what I live without, and what I will never have again.  I also see that I need to keep going for Callie's kids.  As long as they are there I will not give up hope that life will get better. 

One of my collatoral damages seems to have been between me and God.  I still dont pray to God much after 3 years--that just doesnt help- for me god was pretty much absent during the whole ordeaI.  But if God works for you, than Bless you.   

On this site there are lots of new folks. To those who are just beginning the journey into darkness let me say how sorry I am for your loss.  It is truly horrible to lose a child- you are part of a fraternity that others can never fully understand.  Your best bet is to stay connected on this site to others who are going through the same thing.   Keep writing...keep telling your stories...keep sharing the pictures, and perhaps you can arrive at a time when you too can look back be there for others.    Let me say thanks again to those who keep this website up and running.   You have been true cyber friends and just what I have needed in my time of loss.     

Hello all its been awhile since I have been here, Sarah passed in June and I miss her still. I know now this is something that will not get easier with time and is differant than any other death that I have experienced.  When the tears come for her they come from my gut its like someone is ripping out my soul. I have two other children my son doesnt want to talk about it and my daughter she does her best. Nothing will ever fill in for her, believe me I have tried.  I miss her so much she was the person that knew every thought in my head, she was my teacher. I think in a previous life she must have been my mother! :) I am sorry for all of your losses

I am really feeling homesick for my son today.  Last night we ran into a friend of John's and he greeted me with a warm welcoming hug.  Oh, how that makes me long for a hug from my John!  I was reading about what you were all sharing about 'memories' and things people say to comfort our losses and how they just don't understand.  It's all true, but then I have to remember that I too (before my loss) said some insensitive things to people who were going through grief only because I 'wanted' to comfort them and I really didn't know how.  Actually, there just doesn't ever seem to be any right words. Memories are wonderful, but sometimes you just want something more tangible. I know this is going to sound really off the wall to some folks, but my husband had a pendant made for me that I wear on a necklace that has John's actual thumb print on it (they made an imprint of his thumbprint at the funeral home).  Some times I find myself drifting into memories and placing my thumb into the indentation of his thumb.  An odd sort of comfort maybe, but I'll take whatever comfort I can find. Thanks everyone for being willing to share your hearts, that helps too!

Dear Michele, what you said about the thumbprint was absolutely beautiful. I wish I would of thought of that. what a beautiful way to remember your son John. Peace be with you.

Yesterday it was 5 months since I lost my son, Zach. I have thought I have been doing almost too good, kind of waiting for myself to crumble again. One of my very best friends came to visit me for a few days, she wasn't able to come when Zach died. She told me that when she heard about Zach she wasn't able to get out of bed for four days. When she told me that, I felt like what is wrong with me. Am I a horrible mother, that I have been able to keep going and keep doing what I need to do? Does that make sense? I felt like, I hope Zach doesn't think I didn't love him enough, that I don't miss him enough. I think I am afraid to stop because if I do, I won't be able to keep going.The last few nights when I am alone, and I have stopped for the night, the sadness has been overwhelming. I feel the anxiety returning that I had when the accident first happened. Last night I dreamt that my youngest daugther was killed in an automobile accident, and that I wasn't able to pick up the phone and tell anyone. It was such a horrible dream, and I still feel like I am living in a nightmare that I will never wake up from. Thank you Allan for sharing and letting me know that I can make it through this. Some days I feel like I would like to just crawl into bed, and quit putting on the mask and just not get up out of bed. I know that wouldn't solve anything, and I would probably feel worse but it can be so hard. I just miss my Zach so much it hurts. Thank  you all for being here. Big hugs. Robin

Hi Robin, I'm sorry you're having a hard day today.  It was 11 months for me yesterday.   I spent most of the day babysitting my granddaughters, so I'm exhausted but even the exhaustion doesn't make this terrible ache go away.  When the house is finally quiet, like at this time is when it is the hardest for me.  It feels like I am already going thru the awful feeling of the one year mark. I think to myself .... 1 year!  One year that I have not seen my son!!!  I carried him for 9 months.... I took care of him and loved him for 17 years...... and now it's almost one whole year since I've seen him... talked to him... hugged him.  I'm not doing well tonight.   Thanks for listening my friends.  Hugs to you all.  Tomorrow will be a better day... I hope.  Just needed to vent.

Bad day, I am leaving your brother and Melissa in San Diego and returning home. I feel so lonely. I miss you a lot.

i came across a woman who makes dolls, they look so real, and have weights like real  babies.  she can even do them with the face from a photograph. i want so bad to have one made - of my daughter. i want to hold it all the time.  i ache to hold onto something tangible. can u just imagine what people would say? they'd say "now Stephanie's REALLY lost it!"  any thoughts?

Robin, you are not a horrible mother.  I had to go back to work two days after Sy's "Celebration of Life."  It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to do, and if anyone told me I would even be able to get out of bed, I would have told them they were insane.  On the flip side, a friend of mine had a nervous breakdown after Sy's death; she couldn't handle it.  I remember resenting that she had the "luxury" of a breakdown when I had to keep going even though all I wanted to do was die.  Tonight is Super Bowl and the same teams are playing that were playing when Silas had cancer.  His last year here.  We were at the home of a friends because they lived closer to Boston and he had to go for chemo in the am.  It's all so painful, I feel like crying instead of watching the game.  I can't say that anything is easy anymore, it just isn't.  Like Allen, it's been over three years and I know for sure he isn't coming back.  

Lorraine, I couldn't watch the game either, I just don't care. Went to church today and my pastor told about anger and resentment, and being able to move on. I told us to pray for whoever we might be angry at, and I told him after the service I think the person I am angry at is my son, Zach. It hurts me so much to say that, but I am angry that he had wanted to get a closer look at the water fall. If he wouldn;t have done that, he would still be here today. Just feeling very sad the last few nights. Stephanie, I understand what you mean about wanted to hold something tangible.. I still sleep with a pair of Zach's favorite shorts, something to hold but it is not enough. Its not silly and if it would make you feel better, no one needs to know but you. Thanks for listening. Hugs to all. Robin

Days are harder not easier.  Never have gone almost 6 months without seeing my son.  Unbearable.  People are going away.  Just me trying to deal with the loss.

Dick,

I am so sorry your day has been so hard. I will remember you in my prayers.
Our son flew home today. Another friend passed away this weekend - that is 2 in 4 weeks. I have such a long history with these two... Such a feeling of loss like the people who really know me are gone. Jesus wept when his friend died, it is comforting that he knows how we feel and cares so much.
May you all have peace.
Brenda

Greetings to all, I havent been on in a few days and I just took the time to read through everyone's postings. I am truly saddened as well as grateful to have all of you on this site. I still have moments of disbelief that I am even a member of such a group....."Missing my son or daughter", on a online grief support group, are you kidding me?! It still doesn't seem real. As I was reading, I thought of that  horrible day when I was told that there was nothing else they could do for my son and I was in such denial about anything being "over". I have talked in the past about my guilt over agreeing to donate one of my son's kidneys after I rationalized that people live with 1 kidney all the time, so I agreed to only give 1 kidney because I convinced myself that he would recover and faith,  along with my pleading with "GOD", would pull him through all of this. I wasn't connecting that they were saying that my son was gone and I am a R.N.!! None of that matters when it's your child. I convinced myself that he needed some rest to heal and in the meanwhile, I could help someone else. I was so excited as I waited for him to come out of "surgery". I rushed into the "recovery room" and there was my beautifil 21yr old son, laying in the bed, looking like his regular self as if I could wake him.......and boy did I try. I begged my son to respond to me and prove everyone wrong, I pleaded with the Almighty to show that medical team who was in charge. I reminded God of my good deeds and my good heart and asked to find favor with me and my son. I tried to help my son give me a hug and his arms just flopped down to his sides, about a hour later or so, my husband and my sister and a few friends that were in the room with me, told me that we had to leave.....I wasn't getting it and I guess I am still not "GETTING IT" a little over 2 yrs now. I slowly started to feel like I helped end my son's life, I blamed myself for letting them have his kidney, I totally regret it now, I wish I never did it. I feel like i didnt give him enough time to recover, I feel like he thinks I gave up on him, even though that was not my intentions. I thought I would be excited to meet the 16yr old boy whose life was spared because of my loss. I think meeting him would confirm that my son is gone and I can't accept that. I can only imagine the joy his parents felt that night. I know my thoughts may sound irrational to some but I just want my son back, I want him back now, not later. Maybe one day I will meet the boy that recieved my son's kidney. I am just strickened so much guilt and pain.

Karen... my son was a total organ donor... eyes bone brain...and I can relate to what you are talking about... I have had nightmares of the surgery  to harvest his organs... and I have also felt that he should just wake up... I lay with him in his hospital bed... just could not imagine this horrible nightmare...

But I have met the recipient of his heart.  We have become friends and I have been on the TRANSPLANT Friends Facebook group and one for Heart Recipients.... I read how grateful they are for the Gift they have been given. And the deep love and respect they have for donor families.

I have kept in touch with the Organ Recovery program to find out how the recipients are doing... The liver recipient has passed...but had 9 more months with his family... the others are doing wonderful.  I understand too the stress that the Heart recipient has endured waiting for her heart.... and because she is such a beautiful woman...I know Niles heart is in a good place.... I even listened to it with a stethescope.   Yes... I want it in his chest beating too... but it would now be in a box marked cremains..... and that is a discussion on it's own.... to think that that is where my little boy is now....

Dear Karen,

I tried to send you a message, but I cannot do that until you accept my friend request. I just wish I lived close to you and could give you some "real" hugs. As you wrote of your feelings, my heart breaks for you with total empathy, your pain in my heart. Sweetheart, you are such a blessing.  All this was not your fault, but I am sure that you have tried to tell yourself that many times. The reality is that emotion and this kind of depth of love is from the heart. Your heart is broke - healing from that cannot just be reasoned out - there are no time lines - this is your way to live through this horrible accident. Your son was broken physically and you were broken emotionally. You are normal and this is a journey not a destination. As a broken arm takes time to heal so does a broken heart take time to heal. By the way "heal" does not mean that you forget nor that it doesn't hurt. It is a blessing that you are able to write your feeingls to this group. Many of us have been where you are. That place where you can feel the weight of your own heart in your chest. I will keep you in my prayers...

Sincerely,

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

www.grief-and-comfort.com

Adrianne, you are not alone in this thinking.  Since my son passed, I have been reading books about life after death.  I like the one by James Van Praagh on 'Growing Up in Heaven'.  I've also have met with several mediums which provided comfort to me.  I do believe there is a heaven that loves all people regardless of their religion.  No judgement, just love there.  I believe in my heart that my son Sam is with family who have passed on.  I believe that he has made new friends there and is going to school.  I believe that he is pursuing his music and I also believe that he still comes to give me signs when I am at my saddest days.  This belief, keeps me going.  Knowing he's ok there and that one day I'll be with him again.  But I am also aware that I miss him terribly everyday and wish he was here with his family on earth.  Hugs to you all.  My heart is heavy today.

hi karen, i'm not aware of the whole thing with your son... what had happened that the docs said there was nothing more they could do for him?  being an organ donor, were they suggesting that now was the time, as he wasnt going to make it anyway? love steph xx

Everyone, Danny was a donor unknown to me. They called on the day of his death to harvest organs, I refused. I found he was a donor when going through his effects later. I wish I had known. :(

I go from numb to grieving, cycling each day. Something sets me off, I cannot put my finger on it. I just miss him greatly.

When I grieve, my voice crackles and I shed a tear. I should be more manly about the whole thing, this bothers me as well.

Compassionate Friend meeting tomorrow and I am looking forward to it.

karen i hope i didnt offend u by asking? only with all my love from my heart, cos we were in the same situation. dick, u are a wonderful caring man - never think emotions are not manly. about the crackling voice, i thought i was the only one who experienced that - no one has been able to tell me what it is. also with the "cycling", sometimes my voice just is so crackly.

I feel so sad when I read how there are so many of us who are hurting so badly. I still can't seem to totally grasp that Zach is not coming home to me again. I have a brother, who has COPD and is an organ donor receipient. I know how very greatful we were to the family who donated their son's lungs so that my brother could live. He has a daughter and a grandson, and for him to be able to be there for them for however many more years he has, is such a blessing. My brother's wife was killed in a car accident when she was only 31, their children were only 5 and 2 at the time. So for my niece to be able to still have her dad is truly a gift. My son died they tell me instantly and totally broken, I wish we could have been able to have a part of him somewhere helping someone. What a wonderful gift some have you have been able to gift to another family. As someone who has a family member who has been a recipient, I thank all of you who have been able to do that to help someone else. My heart is so filled with sadness, don't know how to fill the hole. Hugs to all.. Robin

Dear Grace, thanks for your support and i am saddened that you can relate.  Wow, you heard your son's heart beat?: ) What did that feel like? Every time I get close to wanting to meet the young man, I just can't get up the courage to do it. Hopefully one day I will.......sooner than later I hope. I recieve mail from the Organ Donor Society or whatever its called, all the time but I just rip it up and throw it away. It's like I can't even read it.  I really don't like feeling this way, I'm just a mess. I am sure that the family of my son's recipient have been nothing but estatic with the help he recieved and rightfully so. Once again thanks for all the love and support.......many hugs!

Dear Brenda, what can I say to thank you?!  Your compassion and words of encouragement mean so much.  I have been dwelling on what you said, that this is a journey and NOT my destination. And you are so right, it is a blessing that I can express my feelings to this group because it is so difficult and often impossible to do so with my close family and friends.....including my own children, who just worry about me and want me to "STOP". Thank you also for the website that you listed. Trust me, I wish I could get one of your hugs, I'll take any and all!

Dear Stephanie, I am absolutely NOT offended. You can read my page bu I can tell you that my son recieved a massive brain injury while riding his friend's motorcycle. He remained in ICU for 7 days before he passed away. I was told that he loss consciousness a few hours after the the injury, I'm not sure because my son had been there for 30 hours as a "jon doe" before I knew what happened to him. As the days passed, I was told that he had several strokes and severe bleeding into the brain but he still had days when he only needed assistance from the ventilator. He would also grimace and shake his head slightly when the nurses would suction him. The day when I regretfully gave the permission for donation, he became totally dependent on the vent and only had a blood pressure with the use of medications. Even though he started to deteriorate, I still remained hopeful inspite of them telling me that he was 'brain dead' and that there was nothing else they could do for him. I convinced myself that he would get better and still be able to help someone. Thanks for your concern.

Robin, I am glad that someone in your family was helped through donation. I am still trying to accept that I did the right thing, I wish my son could tell me that it was ok.

Hi Karen..... Organ Donation can be quite emotional... I was happy to get news of the recipients..... I saw my Niles being thier HERO... Still do..  for the first year I could write anonymously. then after a year I got a message from Terri the Heart recipient.

we became face book friends... I looked at her photos... her family.... behind this laptop screen... I sonned and cried... but saw Niles had been here Hero and her daughter still had Mom....  then we finally chatted on line... then got more brave and talked on the phone.... We finally met for the first time in Madison during the Organ Transplant games... (It is like the Olympicsfor transplant people)  and we met at the hotel and she had a stethescope where I listened to Niles heart beating and saving her life... Yes we all cried..... how could we not?

We have since communicated regularly and she has visited in our town and we made a trip to visit her too.. They had an Open House so everyone could meet her Donor Family.  Even the Nurse Coordinator from the transplant hospital came.

Yes... it is very emotional to see how total strangers are so grateful for the decision we made in our darkest hour.....   Yet I know it was the right one.... but that does not mean I do not have those nightmares of Organs being harvested... and myu son being gone...I do.   But I also know my Niles has been a true HERO... like a soldier because his life has saved lives.

Let's face it.... no matter what.. we have still lost our children... and I do not think there is ANYTHING that would make it OK.   We will all carry this traumatic time forever.Especially if we are mothers... our bodies created these people and they came out of our bodies  (These People)  and we cared for and nurtured everything about them....and now we  Lost them..... and we can not help but seek them....   HUGS!   I still have a hard time writing GOD or Prayers..... God and I are at ODDS with each other and I'm still not wanting to make up with him.... IF he is really there and LOVES us...he will understand....  Grace

thanx for sharing karen, if its too sore i dont mind if you dont answer. are saying that you feel that because you gave permission for his organs to be donated, that from that point he became fully dependent on the ventilator? that now you regret having made that decision? or am i not getting it right? i think the sharing could help because im battling with my situation thinking i did something wrong. love steph

Stephanie, I believe Karen said her son was determined to be Brain Dead....but she was not accepting this and wanted to believe he would get better.   I can understand this.   I know that at the hospital where my son was... we knew his prognosis was grave and he would likely be determined brain dead.... it took 3 days for the hospital to do everything for him and to wait for his brain to swell and then a cat scan to see damage.  They then had 2 sets of Doctors do separate "Death Tests' at different time intervals.... All of us really knowing that the prognosis would be clinically Brain Death..... at that point the doctors will remove all life supports unless there is Organ donation.... then the Organ Procurement staff walk through this process with the family.     It is difficult to see your child lay in a bed like they are sleeping on these life supports then for some doctor to tell you they are now officially dead.... they look the same.... It is so difficult to walk away from that room..... likely why I continue to have nightmares that I have misplaced my son.....  but in the "Big Picture"  He has become a HERO and a Life Saver to many people..... still hard for a mother to wrap her mind around all of that  when you really just want your child to wake up and be alive....

almost 3 years... I look at his pictures and cry...he should still be here.... Where I can touch his hands... hug him.... instead there is this big empty whole in my heart that never is filled.

I found website.  I found some things to be helpful in there.  In case you're interested, here it is  http://grief.com/  Hugs to you all

I can't even imagine the mixed emotions that come with having your loved one's organs harvested.  The only thing they could have used from Silas were his beautiful blue eyes, since he had cancer.  We said no, because he had been poked and prodded so much and he hated needles to begin with.  I guess I've never really thought about how the donation is done.  I am sure that I would have lingering thoughts such as you Karen, since I have them already knowing that when my son collapsed for the final time he was taken to the hospital and given morphine to calm him down and of course this slows everything down.  He was not conscious, and he was doing "end of life" breathing, which was horrific.  Still I sometimes wonder if they didn't give him all of that morphine if he could have come out of it another time.  I guess these are the crazy thoughts we have as parents, we want to go back and save them.  I hate this new life without my son. I haven't been on in a week or so because sometimes it just feels like nothing helps.  I want my son back, and I know that is not going to happen.  Sending love to all friends here~

Danny, I am missing you. Why did you leave?

I have been feeling such incredible sadness and grief, like I am dealing with Zach's death all over again. Ever Valentines Day I always bought all my kids (not matter how old) candy or a small gift. I went today to purchase the Valentine candy, and just like Christmas was overwhelmed with sadness and missing my Zach so very much. Some days it feels more than I can bare, but I know I have to keep going one day at a time for all my loved ones who are still here. My brother, whose son was murdered two years ago, tells me it does get better. That I can keep going, because he has been able to. I can give up or survive, I will survive this with lots of prayers. Big hugs. Robin

I hope that you are flying high my son ~ love you forever

EDGES

When we walk to the edge

of all the light we have

and take the step into the

darkness of the unknown,

we must believe one of

two things will happen – -

There will be something solid

for us to stand on,

or we will be taught

how to fly.

– - Claire Morris

I went to Danny's grave today. They finally got the marker and placed it. I think it hit me as the finality of my earthly relationship with Danny. I had to just weep in the rain. I am sad today.

I just feel sick today, I am sure it is not physical. It is just in my mind.

Dear Grace, thanks so much for your input by sharing your experience. I am starting to consider trying to communicate with the recipient and his family. He was 16yrs old when he recieved my son's kidney. I have to admit that sometimes I think I may become obcessed with communicating with him, like being a crazy stalker. My heart just aches.

Hey Stephanie,   as my son became totally dependent on the ventilator and lost the ability to maintain a blood pressure without medication, a catscan along with some other diagnostic tests, revealed to "them", meaning the head neurologist, that my son was brain dead. He said that he no longer had any perfusion or circulation to his brain. When I heard those words, I blocked out what he was trying to tell me and then I was approached with this "option" of donation. The doctor said that there was nothing else left that they could do to help him recover and I convinced myself that they were wrong. I rationalized that he just needed a "break" from the machines and I wanted my son to show them that he wasn't gone, that he could still feel. I told myself that it was just "surgery" and he could help someone and he would still survive because we can all live with one kidney but not without any. My regret and my guilt set in as soon as I went into his "recovery room" after the "surgery" and I didn't see him breathing, I even wanted him to go back on the vent, I tried to wake him. I felt like I had made a big mistake.  But as I have recently mentioned, since reading some of the supportive postings, my feelings may change or maybe not but I may consider meeting with the recipient.

What is your situation?

Hey Dick, I feel your sadness. I felt that way when my son's monument was placed. I go to my son's final resting place often and just me, I feel sick to my stomach every time. I drive there in such disbelief like I am dreaming all of this. It's so sad, I have made new friends at the cementary, we all kind of take care of each other's loved ones space. I weep and sob as i sit there in my chair that I keep in my trunk.  Sometimes I stay for a few minutes but most times I stay there for hours.  My children don't understand why I go so often if it causes me so much pain but I feel like I have to. I feel like I have to take care of his "place" and let my son know that out of everyone in this world, his mom has NOT forgotten him. My son's final resting place is only about a 5 minute car ride away from my house. Some of my 'religious' friends/family, try to convince me that my son is not there, that it is only his flesh but I'm sorry, my faith is really rocky....pretty much gone, that does not comfort me. All I know is that they put my baby down there.

Hello to all.....Does anyone else visit the cemetary often?  I have to admit that when I do go, I hope to find my son, I tell my self that he his lost, I tell my self that he regained consciousness was able to escape when everyone left before it was too late. I was the first one to leave, I could not bare to watch my son be lowered, no way : (