Went to New Jersey this weekend for a surprise party for my sister's 40th birthday. It was so nice to see everyone for a happy occasion, last time we were all together was four months ago for Zach's funeral. It is a 12 hr. drive, and I have not had that much time to just sit and think. I shed many tears on the way there and on the way home. It was like having flash backs from the day it happened to the funeral. Then being at my sister's party was fun, but so hard thinking about that Zach will won't have a 40th bd, or ever get to be there for his sisters birthday or for any of their weddings. When I have all that time to think, the anxiety returns just like in the beginning. I still start to think, that somehow, someway, if I could just think of something I could somehow change what happened. I know realistically that I can't, it was an accident, accidents happen, but I so want to think of a way. My oldest daughter and her family stayed at our house, while we were gone. She told me she had the strangest thing happen. She had been writing in her on line journal about something that had happened between her and Zach when they were younger. When she was done she went around the house and turned the lights out, to get ready to return to her own home. She went back to go use the restroom and when she came back out all the lights were back on. She said she could possibly  have forgotten to turn one out, but they were all back on. She was quite shaken by this. What do you all think about that? I told her to tell Zach I loved him. She told me I felt really weird doing it Mom, but I stood in the dining room and said "Zach, Mom loves you". Has any one else had something happen that they felt their loved ones presence? Just wondering. Thanks for listening, missing my Zach so very much. Hugs. Robin

Hey Robin and everyone, I had a similiar incident involving a night light. I was laying in bed and as usual, my mind was reflecting on my son. The night lite had been off and it wasn't one of those that have a sensor to come on when it's dark, you have to actually slide the switch. Anyway, I was talking to my son and teeling him that I will never accept what happened and how much I am yearning for him and the nite lite came on. I called my son's name and 2 my amazement, it went off! My little one was laying in the bed with me and witnessed the whole thing. She was so excited, she said that was definately her big brother. The comfort it brought me was short lived.  Most would say that it wasn't my son, just some sought of fluke with the nite lite but I need to believe that it was my son. I often beg him to show me that he is with me but he hasn't in such a long time, at least not that i'm not aware of. I need the reassurance from him that he is 'ok' and when I don't get it, it's like I convince myself that he is not "OK" and I sink further into my hole of despair. My mind wonders if he his sad and angry that he was robbed of his young life. I wonder if he is afraid. I want him here with me and all the rest of his loved ones.

Adrianne,

It seems that you as well as many others, have questions about what happens to us when we die.  If you would like to know what the Bible says, please let me know.  What God promises is truly wonderful and I would love to share some encouraging scriptures with you.

Brenda

support@grief-and-comfort.com

www.grief-and-comfort.com

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

February 3rd is near, it marks 11 months since Sam has gone.  Feelings of loss and tears are always around the corner, waiting to peek and darken my day.  It still doesn't feel real sometimes..... he's gone.  Really gone physically.  I know in spirit he is around us all the time.  I feel that he checks in on me and his dad.  But it's just not the same, him being here....  being able to talk to him and see him.

It's so strange..... life goes on.....  just wish he was still in our daily lives....our daily struggles, good days and bad, happy and sad, holidays, and just plain days of normal.

I haven't seen the red tailed hawk lately.  In my darkest days, sometimes I look out and I see the hawk perched on a tree limb on our neighbor's tree.  I always feel it's a sign from Sam when he shows up.  The hawk always looks so out of place due to its size there perched on the tree branch... but somehow it gives me some comfort every time I see it.

Peace be to you my friends.

Rosie, I love the red tailed hawks, they are the "messengers" from the spirit life, so it is told by Native Americans. It is amazing how the date of other months seep into our minds when it is "the day" of our child dying. My son passed over on the 27th of May, and most often the 27th of any month stands out. As for people eating or not eating, that is so common when we are going through this. I lost so much weight the first year, I was down to about 95 lbs.  Then slowly I started to put it back on; first I would choke on the thought of eating anything, I had to force myself.  Then I went to comfort food and gained. Now I go back and forth. I do believe that our children are around after they pass over, and it seems that playing with electricity is one way of letting us know.  Silas has come through in many ways, and it always gives me comfort and makes me smile.  Brenda, I do think that regardless of one's belief's, the loss of a child is like that of no other, and our faith is often shaken or changes. For some it helps, for others not so much. It is very complicated. sending hugs to all

Having a really hard time tonight, missing Zach so very much. Starting to have feelings of anxiety, overwhelming sadness and just so lost. Rosie, Zach lost his life on the 3rd of September and always when it is getting close to the third of every month I feel like I relive it all over again. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away. Its that feeling of total despair. How can this be that I will never see my precious boy, just to hug him one more time, tell him I love him. God I miss him so much. Robin

Wow, red tailed hawks, I didn't know that, i don't think I've ever noticed one, just red robbins, especially on our deck. are these red tailed hawks everywhere?

Just saying hello to everyone and sending my sincere love and hugs to all.

I honestly dont know if it was a red tail or not but for the first time in 24 years that we have lived in this house in town I saw a hawk hanging around my back yard last year.  I cant remember if I noticed it before we knew Tom was sick or not.  But it was very strange.  I saw it several times just sitting near the top of the big tree in my back yard.  I do remember telling my daughter to not let her little chihuahuas out in the yard by themselves because of him.  Makes me wonder now if it was somehow trying to tell us what was coming.  hummmm.........

Lorraine, I like that.... the hawk being a messenger from the spirit.  Karen, I hawks are around but not as common to see as robins, cardinals, sparrows and such.  They are beautiful when they do appear.  They are large and just so majestic.

Robin, yes... when it gets closer to the 3rd of each month, my sorrow deepens. 

Hugs to you all here on this site.  Namaste, my friends.

Yesterday was the 3rd year mark of our son's death.  Several close friends & family called or emailed me to let me know they were thinking of me (I so appreciate people not forgetting), and so I made it through the day. Today I feel even more emotional than yesterday.  Even after three years, my mind still goes back to the time line of events of that day and the days that followed.  I try to tell myself not to go there, but it's hard not to.  His birthday was the 2nd of Jan. and he would have been 25.  I miss everything about him and I really miss being able to 'mother' him.  I always enjoyed him coming over for a meal or taking him a surprise treat to where he worked.  I had a dream which seems so long ago now, but in it he was alive and he came and gave me such a huge hug.  When I woke up, I could still feel the hug.  Oh how I wish I could have one of those dreams again soon.  It brings comfort, even if for only a short while.    

Setting in a meeting looking around at 20 & 30 Y.O.s, I got a tear in my eye; missing Danny.

rosie, i know its so very hard, i wish you only strength to get through the day. i feel same as when you say i know she's around in spirit, but its just not the same. it really just isnt the same. but michele, i love what u said about the wonderful dreams we have, that they really do bring comfort, even if only for just a short while :) ...  i have the pigeons, all the time. they visit me a lot.

i had a stronger day today, i pray for more such days....

lots and lots of love, Steph xxxxx

My tenuous grasp on my sanity is slipping.  The cocoon of numbness I wrapped myself in is breaking apart.  Why does it seem that the smallest added stress in my life sends me plummeting into this darkness?  It's just a really bad day.  Peace to you all.

Hi Everyone......  My mind seems to wander off so much too.... I regularly find myself Replaying the entire week from the call that my son was having a siezure through the whole ER   and ICU.... and Funeral....  Along with my imagination about organ retrieval..... I wish this Video Tape would Destruct like the ones on the old spy shows.... and the memory bank would be wiped clean  and all my mind would remember are Happy Thoughts.   May 2009 and the movie has been in too manhy reruns... it is like the movie Groundhog Day...   Dick I see visions of people my son's age.... or special needs people... or almost any similarity... I know what you mean... you look at them and imagine it is your or my son... they should be going to school... or work...  .PEACE

I am oddly numb today? Numb seems to be better than sad.

Grace, it IS like that movie Groundhog Day. I never did like that one... the thoughts and scenes go around and around our heads, trying to make sense of something we will never be able to make sense of.  I missed Silas so much today, but then that seems everyday and sometimes I think, "why even talk about it..."  I don't know. It is just so very sad, my blue eyed boy was such a funny one, and I am missing that in my life now.

Sending love  <3  to all with this most horrendous- loss, pain, agony - - -  there are not words strong enough to describe the loss of a child.  

Hey everyone. I too am tormented by the events/moments leading up to the worst day of my life. Sometimes I silently yell at myself to block the images out but it hardly works. Sometimes, someone could be having the nices conversation with me and it's like I don't hear them, I'll be thinking 2 myself, wow, if they only had a clue, the day I loss my son is just playing over and over again in my head. It's like I totally drift away. Sometimes I catch myself tapping my head as if I can tap these thoughts out of my mind. My sadness and my anger makes me feel physically beaten up. It's like I don't get any relief. I almost had a accident today.....again, I thought i saw my son walking on the side walk, all I could do was burst into tears when i realized it wasn't him. This is what my life is like now.......crazy! it's like I am still driving around wanting to find him.

Every day is so different, new things to remind us of our loss.  The Coke isle at Wal Mart, a song, a quarter pounder at McDs.  Even the Weather Channel watching for snow.  Every day, difficult!  We keep hanging on to memories, good and bad.

This is so hard for me to say but it must be said.  The last thing we said to our son before he took his life, "get the hell outta here" when he woke us at 2:00 am wanting a cigarette.  At 5:00 am I heard a gun shot!  Lesson for all, don't say unkind words.  You must live with them forever.....

Frances, I'm so sorry.

I think of you and pray for you all every day.

Have had a rough week too, just like I'm reading all your comments and feeling your agony.  Just keep telling myself to get through this day, and then tomorrow I do it all over again.

Sending hugs to all while wishing it could be more.  ❤ 

Frances, I am so very sorry. I'm sure we have all said things and done things we wish we could take back. Things we wish we would have done, or said I love you more, or I am proud of you more. I know I do. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain except to tell you you are not alone. I lost my son, Zach, he was only 23, in a terrible accident. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him and wish I could give him one more hug, or be able to tell him I love him or how very proud I am of him. You are in my prayers, big  hugs. Robin

Its hard to explain to someone who has no clue. It's a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (PTSD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, Crohns, LUPUS, Fibromyalgia, MS, ME, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Epilepsy, Autism,M.D. etc.) " Never judge what you don't understand. 

I saw this clip and feel that grief should be in this list.  It can be a lifetime condition.   Hugs to you all.  Namaste my friends.

Oh, Dear Frances! It's like you gave me the go ahead to talk about my guilt! First let me say that I am soooooo sorry that you are experiencing that kind of guilt. When I read what you wrote, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I burst into tears because I carry a tremendous amount of guilt also. The only person that I have shared my guilt in any depth with is my husband and my sister-in law. What happened is probably why I will NEVER have any sense of comfort. The week before my son's journey to his tragic end, I was  over at my parent's house. A few weeks prior to that, my son and my father had gotten into a problem/argument......for which I was not present, anyway my father told him that he couldn't return until he apologized. My son was furious because he felt like his granfather owed him the apology. He was angry that I asked him to apologize anyway and he was hurt that I didn't take his side. Anyway, while I was there that day, I asked my daughter to go and pick him up and bring him there to me while my dad was not at home. We talked for a while and then he made his self comfortable and decided that he was going to stay and relax. I told him that he had to leave if he wasnt going to apologize but it wasn't my house and i didnt want my dad to see him there. Well, he got off the couch, stared at me in my face and he said "mom, you are really going to make me leave?", he was so upset that I didn't take his side. The last words my son spoke to me was "Ok, mom, that's ok, YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!!!!!" and he slammed the door. He was angry so he stayed over by my sister-in law's house and about 1 week later, my son was missing for 30hrs before we found out that he was admitted into ICU as a "john doe"!  Initially when my son passed I felt like he did it to me on purpose because he was mad at me for not taking his side, then I thought God was punishing me for betraying my son.........I no longer believe that he left me on purpose, he would never be that mean and he loved his life and me too much. The punishment part I'm not so sure of. I also have the added guilt of a few days before me seeing him last, he also asked if he could borrow my car and i said no. That further torments me because maybe he would have had more protection in my car versus riding on his friend's motorcycle. It gets worse!......months before, my son asked me if I would help him with funds to pay for his 21st birthday party, I also said know because I was angry and disappointed that my son smoked sooooo much marijuana. I told him the money he spent on that, he could pay for his own party, I was angry because i didnt approve of that habit........what a dumb ass do I feel like now!!!! I took him and a few of his close friend's out to Friday's(his favorite restaurant) instead. Little did I know that 8 months later I would have to bury him!!!! Of course my husband and my sister-in law try to convince me that it's not my fault and that my son didn't mean it when he said what he said but how could I not be wrecked from guilt? My husband and I are still estranged because he can't take watching me die slowly. I always feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Why didn't I take his side, why didn't I let him use my car? why didn't I just help him with his birthday party? If it wasn't for my little one, I would be with my son already.

Someone asked me if I now condone smoking marijuana, the answer is no but now i realize that no one is perfect and my son was not hurting anyone, he was a good boy. As much as he was my baby, I realize now that he had to be his own person. I have NEVER seen him smoke it....he would have never allowed that but I would smell it. It just seems now in comparison, him doing that is so petty. Thanks for listening.

Thanks Ammy, how to i respond back to the chat, I don't see the option for that?

i keep dreaming everyone made a mistake, and she is still alive. and i hold her and we love each other - (and it doesnt help when people say "she is alive in your heart"). i keep dreaming it all the time, in different ways, in different settings. when i really wake up my entire stomach is in a knot, i cant breathe, i think "oh G-d, no, she isnt alive, it was just a dream" - eveyr morning same thing - wake up shaking, guts tearing apart. oh G-d, its been over 3 and half years. i dont know how to get through this. at all.

Karen R., I am so very sorry you are dealing with all that. Not only do you have to deal with the loss of your son but to deal with guilt on top of that. We have all said and done things that we regret at some time or another. As much as I loved my son, Zach, he did sometimes make me very angry and do things that were reckless. He could be very stubborn and pigheaded and did not like to admit when things might have been his fault. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you. I pray that you will be able to forgive your self. Just think about it, you would say that to any of us if the same had happened, so you should also be able to forgive yourself. Big hugs and prayers. Robin

Karen R, that was very brave to share your guilt with us.  It also lets us know, that we're all in this together and we feel safe here to talk about things.  I have my own set of guilt that always leads to the 'What Ifs' merry-go-round.  One day when things were really bad, I was alone in my house.  If anyone would have heard me, I may have been placed in the Looney-Bin.   Anyway, I started to talk to my Sam with the knowing that his spirit was present.  I spoke out loud as if he was there.  I asked Sam to please forgive some of the things I did and said to him.  I explained my reasons, and that I did many of things I did because I was trying to protect him from himself.  He was a drug addict.  Then I spoke to him, out loud again, and this time I told him I forgave him.  I forgave the things he did, the things he said to me and the suffering I was going through due to his drug use and that it caused his death.

It helped me that day... doing that.... talking to him.  Some days, when it gets too bad again.... I do it again .. in my house, in my car, where I have the privacy of being alone.  I hope this may help some of you.  It really works.  My grief doesn't go away... it will never go away.. but the guilt is lightened and somedays... there is no guilt.... just the sad fact that he is gone.   Namaste, my friends. 

Speaking of guilt....Maybe this will be of some help to someone.

This is from bereaved parents:

GUILT
   Someone has said if you can separate your grief from your guilt, you cut your grief in half. There is much truth in that statement. Being human, none of us is totally free from regret over something large or small that was in some way connected with a child who died.  
   The brain, being the devious thing that it can be at times, seems determined to punish the parents by recalling even the smallest thing that makes them regret not having been more patient or less patient, more demanding or less demanding, more firm or less firm, more loving or less loving, more sensitive, more capable, in other words, more perfect.  
   Feelings of guilt are thought by some to be an attempt to make some sense of the senselessness of a child’s death, or an answer to the unanswerable WHY. Parenting instincts tell the parents that they are responsible for whatever happens to their child, good or bad.  
   There are two kinds of guilt: Healthy Guilt, which acts as an alarm clock when we sense our behavior is inappropriate, and Excessive Guilt, which is unhealthy. It is not rational, logical or reasonable. Some parents hang onto their guilt (and anger) because to do so postpones the acceptance of their child’s death.  
   Professionals who counsel grieving people find it very helpful for parents to talk about their guilt. By verbalizing, they are able to hear the craziness of excessive guilt and recognize it for what it is. No
amount of guilt ever changed anything. Excessive guilt is a wasted emotion. It drains the parents as they dwell on it, and takes away opportunities to change and learn. Guilt is useful when planning ahead, pointless when looking back

Please try not to be so hard on yourselves.  I know it's easy to say and I've been there and done that, but I am getting better with it as I know it wouldn't have changed anything.  This is what was going to be no matter what I said or how I acted.  Family arguments or disagreements are a normal part of life.  The love is what holds the family together and no bickering or scolding is going to stop the love.

Blessings, peace, love, & comfort, my friends.

Forgive me Danny.

http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/video/daniel-my-son-you-will-alwa...

Danny, you have no idea how much I miss you. :(

Dick, what you are feeling is natural.  Please hang in there.  Your loss is still quite new and it's an uphill journey, but you can get through it.  I'm so sorry you are feeling this rawness.  We have all been there and still go there, but there are days that are not quite as bad.  At least I am getting some of those days.  It doesn't go away, it just gets a little easier on those days, but we have to hope it will not always be so raw.   

Christina, I'm sorry you are fighting the guilt demon.  I'm glad the article was a help for you and I hope you will improve.  We have enough to deal with without adding guilt to our grief.

Blessings to everyone.  

Ammy, thanks for sharing your post about guilt. I do think my guilt is unhealthy after reading it. The problem is I don't believe I will ever not feel guilty. My son's last spoken words to me stab me repeatedly. I try to convince myself that he didn't mean it because he couldn't have known what was going to happen to him but it's so hard because of the event that made it come to pass. I stress over the thoughts he must have had in the days it took for him to pass away before he slipped into a coma. I keep imagining that he was so afraid and so angry that this was happening to him. It's so hard for me to talk about this with others. Thanks!!!

Just want to say thanks to all for all of your never ending support.

I know Dick, too many of those days, days we wish we never knew. How will any of this ever be "ok"? Sending hugs.

i keep dreaming it was a big mistake everyone was wrong, and she's still alive, and then i wake up, and my stomach knots up into lead as i realise, "oh god" it was just a dream. what to do what to do!

I'm so embarrassed!  I was sitting in my office at work, trying to concentrate and I guess I had slipped into a flashback. One of my co-workers came into my office (my back was to the door) and I didn't hear her. When I turned around I saw her out of the corner of my eye and I screamed because I all I saw was a black figure! My scream scared everyone in the office.  and my co-worker got mad at me because SHE scared me! Now everyone is out in the hall whispering, I can only assume about their crazy co-worker!  It would be so nice if other people could just half way understand the daily struggles that we go through just to FUNCTION somewhat normally!!

absolutely!!  i also feel with certain people that they "talk" about me. sorry for them, right?  ((hugs))

Yes lisa, I agree with what Adrienne said, they better hope that they are spared this type of tortuous pain! Do NOT be embarrassed.........big, big hugs!

Lisa, please do not be embarrassed, your coworkers are heartless. Just pray they will never have to go through what you are going through. Stephanie, I know what you mean about having dreams that it was all mistake. When my brother died 18 years I didn't get to see his body, and I had dreams all the time that he came back and told me it was all a mistake that it wasn't him. When my son, Zach, died they didn't want me to see him but I insisted because of what happened with my brother. I am glad that I got to see him, except it didn't look like my son at all, so I think I have realized that since it didn't look like him I have been holding out that maybe it really wasn't him. How horrible for any of us to have to go through this. Hugs to you and all of us who have lost a loved one. Robin

Thanks everyone for the love! And you all are right.  I woudn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.  Most of my flashbacks are of the ICU and watching the docs do CPR. I chose to leave the room while they worked on her because I could feel myself slipping into panic and I didn't want anything to distract them from saving her.  When my boyfriend came and told me that she was gone, at first I didn't want to go back and see her, it took me an hour or more to work up the courage. She didn't look like herself either and that's what most of my nightmares and flashbacks revolve around.  Sometimes now I wish I hadn't seen it!  It's just so hard.

Praying that we all have a more peaceful day today. {{hugs}}

Lisa

it really is just indescribably horrible. thanx robin for the support, and lisa for sharing. i held her for about an hour in the hospital after she passed. later at the funeral i insisted on seeing her. it did look like her to me, and to this day i wish i'd taken a picture of her after she passed. i dont know, from what i read from you all, and from my own experience, maybe no matter what our details were, it is just too unbelievable to our brains to comprehend that they have actually passed. thanks robin for sharing with me that you also had those dreams. its hard, so very hard..... hugs to you all

... i was just reading through some past discussions, i went through so many emotios. karen, you wrote something some time back that really helped me - that your son is not a "memory" for you, he is your son!!  i have so often had people tell me i have so many good memories of my daughter, and to cherish the memories blah blah blah. and i feel SO the same, that she is NOT "memories" to me. she is REAL, she is my daughter, my love. how can people tell me i have the MEMORIES?  it makes no sense, its so unreal.