Hey Dick and everyone. Yeah, I guess the more I think about it, the more I can see how that may be hurtful even though it was not my intentions. I will try but I don't think I will move the things off of my car. I will wear her bag, occasionally. Thanks.

thanx so much everyone, for sharing that you too have the need for your child to be WITH you.  anna, howcome she has your son's ashes? surely if he's YOUR son, then YOU have the right to those ashes, and not her?

Lorraine, im so sorry and can hear the anger against the cancer - i feel that too about my loss. and thanks for sharing what you do to keep him close to you - i think of so many ways, but i worry people with think im crazy, or (like you karen), my other kids might get upset if they perceive that she is more important to me than they are.

ammy, i know, can you believe one even has to be careful at a place like this... in fact, u must all realise my angel child also needs a new angel name... wow, this is quite therapeutic for me - i can see her smiling upon me.

but i still hurt so bad. i hurt so bad.

thank you for all being there

I too understand all of you having the need to have our children with us.     So much so that I established a private family cemetery on our property & moved my son there.   I can see his candle glowing & headstone right now as I type to you.   It has helped me so very much to be able to do this. "I walk over there day and night"   I just felt as though I had to bring him home...     So yes, I understand-    Love & strength to you all......   

I hope something can be worked out Anna, but once a child becomes married it is a legal union and she has rights to the ashes just as you have your husband. Your child was her spouse and would like to keep him close as well. To sum it up, it is her choice unless he bequethed his ashes to you.

Dick there is no working it out with my sons wife.  I know she has the right to do what she needs to do.  We are actually very good friends but when Im really missing talking to him I miss having a place to go to just be with him.  I  hope one day she will understand that.  I know I have my husbands ashes but that is because he had specific requests of where to spread them and we just havent been able to arrange to honor those wishes.  Maybe when we do, my daughter in law will be ready to let his son join him in that special spot.  It will be 2 years in March that my son died.  I need a place to go to be with him, his brothers and sister and nieces and nephews need a place to go to honor and remember him as well.  But I will respect his wifes wishes because that is what my son would want, for me to be kind to his wife........

Karen, I love that you have been able to "bring him home."  So sad and I could never imagine even thinking about these things or feeling so intensely about them, but here we are.  I hear what you are saying about other children in the family, Dick.  I really really try as well, as I am sure everyone here does; I think the first year it didn't matter who else was in my life, even my own children. I am not proud of this, but the grief is so intense that it takes over like.  Now I really have to work at staying "present" with my children and not talking about Silas too much, but it is somewhat manageable.  I guess that having a broken heart does get in the way of how I now parent.  I wish I were happier.  I do have moments of happiness, and really want my children to be happy...  still, I feel so heartsick that I don't know quite how to make my way around in this "new world..."

We have Zach's ashes sitting on our mantle. It is sort of ironic because we have them in a clock, when Zach was in high school he and I would always fight because he wouldn't wake up in the morning. I thought having his ashes here at home with us would bring me some kind of  peace but it doesn't. Maybe at some point my husband and I will decide to scatter them or put them elsewhere, but for now they sit on our mantle with a picture of Zach beside it. I started going back to church just to try and find some kind of comfort or peace. When I go all I do is cry, but a lot of the members know about Zach and many try to comfort me. When I went this past Sunday, I was actually glad that I could cry, I have been in a kind of numb phase. For so long I would cry every day and then that stopped and I would have several days of numbness. I welcome the tears, at least they are some kind of release for the pain. Prayers to all my friends who belong to this very sad group. Big hugs. Robin

Another day of numbness, grief, and wondering what this life is all about.

lorraine, i makes so much sense the way you put it in words... it's a new world, a new way of life for us, and we dont quite know how to make our way around in it.

you know, when you think about it, generally people think of such following things as real life changing experiences:  emigrating to a new country, learning to have to speak in a new language, having to sell a property, moving from rural to urban life, a family coming to stay with you for a year, other things, tragedies, tsunamies, earthquakes, displacement ...and so on.  but do people REALLY realise the IMPACT of a family losing a CHILD, as a most painful unbearable and shocking life changing experience. how do we just inorporate all this new shock, pain, loss and trauma into our lives as it was going?

we dont want to hurt our other children; we dont want people thinking we're crazy, we want to hold on so bad. our entire outlook on life changes. we have to learn a whole new way of living, and at that, also in the best interests of our spouses and other children.

we have to learn how to live in our whole new world

I quit alcohol completely since Danny left us. It would only make me feel worse.

I stay up until sleepy, some nights only a few hours. I refuse to resort to drugs or drink.

No matter how bad this hurts; I personally decided to meet it head on without crutches. I think the crutches only delay and drag out the misery. My wife feels the same; we have been offered prescriptions. We have turned them down.

I maybe using ice cream as a coping tool, always make me happy. I think it is relatively harmless.

Im not a great one to give advice on sleeping.  It is after midnight and here I am....

Sometimes going for a walk after supper will help me sleep that night.  Often I can fall asleep with a tv show on that isnt too interesting that it makes me want to stay awake to watch it but it doesnt annoy the heck out me either.  I like game shows best for beating the sleep depriver.  And yes, one drink can help but if the need for more than one is there then I think I would choose to not have any either. 

I have to admit I do take an over the counter sleep aid, but I have had a problem with sleeping way before Zach died. I'm that age, where it is so much harder to fall asleep and stay asleep and I watch my two granddaughters most days so I have to be alert and able to deal with them. I am you too Anna, I swear if I try to stay awake for a show I really want to watch I fall asleep watching it but as soon as I go back to bed to sleep I'm wide awake it is so frustrating. I too don't drink but I'm not going to it has crossed my mind. I have been sober for 30 years and this has definitely been tough, even though I know drinking would only be a temporary relief, Zach's death would still be staring me in the face when I sobered up and then I would just have a hang over too on top of that. No thanks.

Robin, I think you are lucky to have someone to look after. I wish I had kids or grandkids.

I have been suffering from insomnia on and off since my son pased away. I am going through another phase of it the last 2-3 wks. It's really bad and i am so exhausted. I toss and turn all night thinking about my son. A couple of days before my son's funeral, my doctor called in a script for Ambien and Xanax. I did take the Xanax the day before and the day of my son's services but in the couple of months that followed, I flushed the rest all down the toilet because I was too tempted to take them all.  I don't need that temptation again, I don't need it to be easily accessible.  I guess I'll just suffer through it. I am thinking about trying yoga, it has been suggested to me by a few people.

This is a wonderful video from a local radio personality who lost his precious baby son 4 yrs ago today.  It's a little long but soooooo worth the listen! Hope it brings some comfort to hurting hearts today. It did to mine.  Hugs to you Lisa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuOV-UEKTps

i take a sleeping pill each night. otherwise cant sleep and cant function the next day. its just the way it is, what can i say. not ideal, but then life isnt ideal!

I have been taking lorazepam since Silas died; I recently stopped taking it and miss it.  I just decided that I would reserve it for panic attacks only.  Not sure if I am doing the right thing.  I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do this though, just an individual way of getting through the days and nights.  Some people who have never drank a day in their lives drink, some use medications, some probably use prayer.  I imagine all of us feel lost some of the time, regardless of what we do to help get through... Stephanie, I like what you wrote; and it is so true, this is the most shocking life changing experience... sending love to all

I had to go to customer site, first time since my son's passing. The people know me and my son well. They never mentioned anything and I felt the pressure; it eased later. When I was able to work alone, I shed a tear. I wish my son was back, that is not much to ask.

thanx lorraine, i think youre right too. there really is no right or wrong, and the beautiful thing here is that there is just no judgement here amongst each other. truth is, we have all been hit with the most shocking, unbearably painful, and overwhelming trauma - that of losing our children.  and here we are to share this pain. and we each do what it is that can help us through the day. a life changing thing has happened, and we cannot "adapt" to it - but we have to cope. we have to function.

my anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia at nights, excessive daytime sleepiness, etc etc etc - are disabling. i just HAVE to do what i can to cope - for now its medication which sometimes helps TREMENDOUSLY, and other days makes no difference at all.  weird. or maybe not so weird.  love love <3

I have had sleep issues too... in the beginning I drank a glass of wine..... helped a little.... My doctor asked if she could "Give Me Something" and I just said it would wear off and he would still be dead..... I also believe it is NORMAL to be crying and have bad days..... Our Tears honor the love we have for our child.... as for my other kids seeing me cry... well I guess they witness how special and important all of my kids are to me and that if it were them they too would be missed and mourned for.

Emotions can hit like a tidal wave..... years after...because I guess it should.... LOVE is a very powerful force.... Yes Grief  is not attractive for any of us and it may be uncomfortable for those around us.... but I guess another view point is that those tears honor the love for our child.... and if we are meant to cry a million tears... all the wine or drugs are not going to make only 999,999.

Yep you are right, when you come off of what ever you ingest; your child is still gone. My point, but Grace you said it so well.

I miss Danny a lot, I may be getting better. I don't feel so stunned any longer and can function at a low level of energy. But, I still have pangs of guilt all the time. Why did I marry, why did I have children? I am OK with being alone, its my fault.

i think its not that those of us that take meds are trying to avoid the tears, or avoid the pain - and we know full well that if or when we are to stop taking the meds our child will still be gone. rather, maybe those that can do without this help are more fortunate, but each one of us have different backgrounds and circumstances, and certainly different effects and impacts with this kind of loss, and the WAY we had this loss.  some of us are not taking meds to make it "easier" to cope, but ABLE to function. we are not avoiding the pain.  with some of us - certain things have happened to us as a result, and we have so many other responsibilities and demands, there is NO OPTION for us to to just be in bed or cry as much as we like - we HAVE to do certain things, without the help of the meds, we would not be able to do

also as we said before, each to their own way. just like its not for one of us to say that letting your other kids see you cry is 'right" or "wrong";  or not being able to sleep is "right' or "wrong" - we are all doing the best we can

I agree Stephanie, as I've said before, I do not feel in a position to judge how anyone deals with their grief. Not that I feel judgement here.  I do hope that people know that if they need medication there is nothing wrong with that. If they choose to have a glass of wine before bed, whatever. I really changed my attitude on these things when my son became ill.  Things I used to feel were big deals, really don't mean all that much. I think most people know when they are in trouble with whatever they are using to hep them through; if they are overusing. I am no better off without the ativan; it just wasn't so good for my tremor (from car accident) and I felt that I wanted to see myself with clear eyes in the am. I work out at the gym now, and am getting ready to paint my living room in hopes of brightening my attitude up a bit. The gym has made a difference with physical strength, but in all reality not in my feeling better emotionally. Just like using meds or something else to get through, we know it isn't going to fix things.  My life is changed forever. I am grateful I had Silas in my life, that he is my son; I feel proud to be his mom, and I wouldn't change that for the pain I feel now. I know that we all keep doing whatever we can to get through; my thoughts are with everyone here this weekend.

I don't take a prescribed medication for depression, but I do take an anxiety medication.  I also take something sold over the counter called 5-HTP.  When I first started taking it I thought it was helping, but then I thought that it wasn't so I stopped.  I started to feel worse.  Natural or the 5-HTP?  I don't know, but I bought it again and I do believe it helps, but minimally.  Every one is different and has to find what helps them... if there is anything.

I have had a bad week.  I feel so strange and lost.  Can't concentrate and want to be left alone, and yet I feel so lonely.  ?

Take care. 

I think we are all on a journey.... I just was afraid that I would slip into abusing drugs or alchohol because I have been so miserable.... I would be afraid that I would slide off a cliff and would not be able to climb back out.   If you are managing your way through grief .... what ever works... without destruction.   We are in the most emotionallly vulnerable state ever.... I am just cautious to be careful not to fall even deeper into a pit.....    But No Judgement from me.... Just my way of dealing..... which I don't think any of us have "The Answers" ... that is why we need to share with each other here.

Last night on my way home, I stopped at a good friends house. He knew Danny well. We didn't talk about Danny; but other things. He had a whiskey, I didn't have anything but water. Another point, he was a military man who had seen combat and death.

He started crying when I started to leave, he misses Danny as well. I have never seen him break down ever. It is sad, he touched a lot of people. 

I let him know I will never be who I was 6 months ago. He told me we are best friends and I can depend on him. I let him know it is not him, it is me that has changed. I am not the confident, happy, optimistic person I once was.

Dick, it sounds like your friend will find a way to be there for you. That is one of the biggest gifts people can give us.  I have had long time friends fall by the wayside and others who have found a way to be there, even if they don't (can't) know how to fix it.

ammy talking about lonely, its weird cos i do the same thing... i want to be left alone, i dont want to answer the phone or speak to anyone, i dont want to talk to anyone, and yet i feel so lonely and isolated.

you are all so special. dick, it sounds like you have a good friend in this man and that is a treasure. grace, believe me im also afraid of falling into a pit with relying on meds, but i am not functioning without them, so i am afraid either way.

adrianne and lorraine, yes, just a painful life of anxiety that is just such a battle to deal with, but you said it, i wouldnt change being her mom for anything in the world. i loved that.... i am so proud and i THINK i wouldnt even exchange this pain, for the opportunity i had to have her in my life.

my best love to you all xxxxxxx

I think I do have a problem though. I am 6'5" and can carry weight without looking fat. I dropped over the last 2 years from 270 to 225 last summer. When Danny passed, I have started eating again without watching what I am doing. I got on the scales this morning because the wife can tell I am gaining weight. Sure enough, I am at 250. So 25 pounds in 6 months, if anything I am using food to sooth my soul. I need to control my eating again; starting right now.

I stopped by Danny's grave in the family plot, saw Grandma, Uncle, Dad, & Danny all there. I was on the way to my farm, I got mad at Danny for leaving and not helping me with the farm. I wanted to puke.

I am kind of freaking out now. My oldest doesn't want the farm, Danny was the one who helped me and wanted it. Now that he has passed, what do I do? It has been in our family for 100 years. Stress and worry are my friends now.

Dick

I lost weight too after my son passed.  I have never been an eater when I am stressed.  However, I love food and like to cook.  All of a sudden I started to eat more than normal.  For me the anxiety feels like hunger pains.  I get mad at Don some time for leaving me.  I needed him as much as he needed me though I am not sure he knew that.  Today is a sad day.  

Hey everyone. When I look into the mirror, I feel whipped, I feel like I have aged so much, despite of what everyone tells me.......that I look so 'great' and so young. The long episodes of crying hysterically have left dark circles under my eyes. My children tell me that it's my imagination but I see it. I use to take such pride in the way I looked and dressed, now, it no longer matters. Sometimes I push my self and I do mean push hard to try to look like my old self, I get a little motivation when my children tell me to do it for their brother because he always felt proud about the way I always looked. I guess I'm grooming myself how I actually feel. They say that he would be disappointed. I never liked taking pictures but now it's even worse. It's like it's painful for me to smile.......in my head I'm thinking what do I have to smile about, I am thinking, wow, I'll never have new photos of my son throughout the years to add to albums. All of our family photos will forever be broken, there will always be a missing link...my son. Does anyone elsr ever have similar moments?

Thanks for listening.............again! Sending many hugs.

omg Karen, do I ever know what you are taking about with pictures.  When Karl, my son died it was when my siblings had planned a reunion.  For one reason or another each time we got together in 25 + years, one or more of the 9 of us were missing.  It was so important to finally do it that after Karls service I flew out to the reunion and did my best to be ok.  But the day we did our group pictures I wanted to die.  It was so hard to be ok so the pictures would turn out for everyone else but the tears just kept coming.  For the first time I actually was faced with the fact I would never again have a picture with all my children.  I was heartbroken.  I am now the only one of my brothers and sisters who does not have the pictures taken that day up anywhere.  They are such a big reminder of what is now lost. 

Adrianne, thanks for taking a look at Danny's video. I do get some relief by others knowing who Danny was and getting to know him through the video. Thank you very much.

Adrianne,

Actually, he was a model. We have the 2010 calendar he did work for still hanging, probably never take it down. I regret talking him out of going to New York to model and stay to finish college. Maybe things would be different. See where my guilt comes from.

Very unusal things happened as I look back, the 2010 calendar he did, his picture shows on August. He passed one year later, August 2011.

In all family pictures, Danny,my father and my niece are all clustered together. They all have past. I maybe making up patterns that don't exist, but erie to me..

Nicky Welcome-     Sooooo sorry about your son.   I hope your able to find some comfort here; with other parents living the same anguish.  (soooo wish none of us needed this page)       

Dick

I do understand the guilt.  My son died in August of 2011 also.  I wish I had done so much differently.  I see patterns also.  I am struggling with my faith but in reality I know there is something to all of this.  Have you ever watched any of akiane kramarik's video's online?  If not, check them out.  I watch at least one or two a day.  Really helps me.  My son's favorite song was "Daniel".  He was a beautiful man too.  He was 6'3" with broad shoulders and a beautiful head of hair.  It is so hard.  I am not sure I signed up for this on purpose.  I can't imagine.  What were your son's hobbies? I loved the picture of him holding the baby.  Who's baby?  He is holding that baby so sweetly.

Adrianne,

I had to shed a tear when you spoke of the baby. That is my greatniece or Danny's second cousin; he was always kind to children and animals. Crap, I am having a weeping session now. All the younger children would like to play with him during family functions, they called him "Uncle Danny". We are a mixed family half asian, half caucasian; the younger children must alway call an older one big brother/sister/aunt/uncle/grandfather/grandmother it is cultural not by the western family traditions. Tonight is Chinese New Year and Danny will not be there to recieve his "Hong Bao" red envelope.

His hobbies were surfing, diving, reading, gardening, economics, auto repair....girls of course. We were in the planning of a dive shop when he left. I am weeping to much to continue; it hurts me too much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49wut32Cguw

If you can't find it, google "girl who paints god"

Her name is Akiana Kramarik

If you any of you haven't watched this, please take a moment.

Then google more about this young lady and see what she is up to now that she is a bit older.