I find that the expectation of a holday is harder than when it actaully comes. Then when it is over I feel a sadness return. On Christmas night I tried to remember the song I wrote for my son four years before in my mourning year. I could not remember it, which really bothered me, suddenly four years seemed like ten. Finally the song came to me. 

Silver Light Silver Light I can taste the tears I cry, every tear is my love for you every night I sing to you. 

Silver Light Silver Light I cried enough tears to make a river to you, God know I do anything to bring you back again

Don't judge it just trust it leads me to you, sadness leads to anger and takes me away from you

Silver Light Silver Light my love I send you kisses to night

I was singing it outside on a new moon when I suddenly saw a light in the forest, I though someone is shinning a flashlight at me. I stared to feel scared. But at the same time wanted to figure it out so I walked towards it and then it went away. I went in the house. The next night when I went out to sing my song to my son again I realized that what I was singing is what I saw Silver Light, I thanked him for visiting me. 

We are not use to paying attention to signs, they are easy to miss, but once you believe in one, you will have more. 

After four years and many signs, many gifts from growing through this it  still has moments in my everyday life that bring tears of love either outwardly or inside.

For all of you my heart reaches out to send you love, and compassion 

Bad case of "What Ifs" today, hard night as well; I'm tired now. What was the trigger since yesterday? I really need to shake it, I have not had this feeling in a while. I am having a hard time concentrating on work.

I have even regressed to my "What if I had never married?"; this was my original plan. Would I have even more regrets now, would I be happier, would I be free? I hate feeling bad.

Well my marriage has taken a bad Beatin Dick... It is hard for me to feel like I am the only one losing my mind in grief... The rest of the people in this house seem to have it all figured out.  ... Including my 2 audult children..... and this is where I have others come in to tell me they are all grieving "Thier Own Way"....  including my husband.... however   .... I'm not feeling it with them... but boy I feel the criitics here telling me how I am just   this or that....  I have been having the Should I conversation.... Should I stay or Should I go???? Seems like no one would miss me if I were gone...  I have said how unhappy I am and to most of us you know when we talk about our kids that are dead peole like to just change the subject and act like they should just ignore us completely and maybe I will just get my mind on something else and if I just don't think about my Niles I would be just fine.     It doe not help when my husband wonders if he should have been paying more attention to Niles instead of getting our boat ready for the lake when he was drinking the water that may have helped trigger the siezure.... While I was at Wal-Mart shopping for food.    Again Dick those WHAT IFs Haunt all of us.....

f you would have never married Your right... You would not have had Danny and you would not be here.....  but then agaiin.... YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HAD DANNY..... and ALL THAT HE IS to You Now.....Hugs

Behavioral Signs of Stress

1. Social withdrawal and isolation,

2. Increase in alcohol consumption, smoking or taking drugs,

3. Excessive gambling,

4. Excessive activities like exercise and buying,

5. Loss of interest in appearance,

6. Neglect of punctuality,

7. Not taking interest in work, not feeling motivated to do anything.

8. Not sharing thoughts with others, and decrease in social interaction.

Yep, I got everyone of them except #2 & #3. #5 is not that I am not bathing & shaving; but I used to be a Clothes Horse, now it's a pair of jeans & a sweater/hoodie.

Psychological Effects of stress

1. Anxiety and nervousness,

2. Insomnia, nightmares, bad dreams,

3. Difficulty in concentrating,

4. Difficulty in decision making,

5. Irritability, anger bouts,

6. Feeling of loneliness and worthlessness.

Yep, I got all except #4 & #5. I used to not dream; my friends just say I don't remember them before. I got them now; funny thing they are never about Danny? #6 is the worst.

Physical symptoms of severe stress

1. Headaches, dizziness, neck ache, back pain,

2. High blood pressure, chest pain, palpitations,

3. Heart Disease, Beware of the heart attack symptoms!

4. Frequent colds, infections,

5. Rashes, itches, hives,

6. Fatigue and constant tiredness,

7. Frequent stomach pain and heart burn.

Funny, only #6 applies.

@Grace, don't take me wrong I love my wife and kids; they just were not part of my original life plan. I was headed to Ft. Collins, Co. for Graduate School when I met my wife. Funny how life works out?

'S Some of Gods greatest Gifts are Unanswered Prayers"

@Grace, Are you saying my going to Ft. Collins may have produced something even more terrible? I just cannot imagine what that could have been seeing where I am in life.

No I just say that you may have been praying to go to Ft Collins but Gods Un answered Prayer for you was to Put your Wife in the place she needed to be so you would meet her and have a wonderful Love and Marriage and family.... You were praying for YOUR Plan but God had another Plan for you......  Even though right now you are missing your Danny... just remember how full your life has grown because God unanswered your prayer and gave you the Love of your wife and children..... you would not have had this broken heart... but then again you would not have had this Love either...This was Gods Greatest Gift to you....

Adrianne, I have read "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian Weiss and it gave me comfort; it is written by a psychiatrist who did not believe in past life, but was given much reason to believe; so it is scientific in a way, which I like.  I do think whatever brings comfort, be it Compassionate Friends meetings, online support, mediums, church, books on the afterlife or holding onto your child's belongings; this should be respected and treasured as a moment of peace is so hard to find some days.  

Can't believe it has been four months since my Zach's accident and death. I haven't been on here in a few days and I am so sorry to read about everyones pain. Dick, I know how you feel about the what ifs, or I wish I would have done this or said that. I do that wishing I would have told Zach more often how proud I was of him. I wish I would have spent more time with him. My husband stops me though and says he was 23, he had his own life and was doing what 23 year olds do. He was just starting to want to spend more time with us. I would see him every Saturday because we worked together on Saturdays, the day of his accident was a Saturday was we were not together. I used to look forward to Saturdays now I dread them because I always think about his accident. I still don't think I totally have accepted his death and that he will never walk through our front door again. I am always looking for some kind of sign to let me know that he is okay. I may not be getting the kind of signs I want, so may be missing them. When my brother died 18 years ago there was a message on a sign outside  a church about if  you are having trouble dealing with grief, I started attending that church regularly. It was like the pastor there was talking directly to me, found out later that he had lost his brother several months earlier. That pastor  took a break from preaching for several years. A couple of days before Christmas Eve, my husband was driving down the road and saw someone hanging up a sign for a new church starting. It was the pastor who preached when my brother died, he was beginning a  new church for people at a crossroads in their lives. My husband stopped and talked to him, he had not heard of Zach's death, and he told my husband that he would be having on service on Christmas Eve. Maybe that was not the kind of sign of was looking for, but when I look back now I definitely think God was trying to give me some kind of sign. I too get the feelings of sometimes I can't breathe because the pain is so bad. I know I will never be the person that I was before Zach died, but I am chosing to somehow survive this for my other children at least for today. I can do this for one day, I try not to think about tomorrow. You are all in my hearts and prayers. Robin

I am looking at my Internet Browser favourite pull down menu. This URL and some others related are under POPULAR. It just does not seem right; I am going to create another folder for them, NECESSARY. POPULAR just does not feel right.

Funny? How sensitive to little things I have become.

Is life just a collection of disappointments interspersed with a couple of happy moments? I had little disappointments before, shake it off; get back into the game. Danny missing is the 800 lb. gorilla in the room. 

I saw a Sundance festival film last night, Half-Life. It was about a family that the father left, not died. Wrought with guilt, grief, sadness and dysfunctional emotions. It was filmed with a backdrop of today's ecological disasters. Desperate people seeking answers to why.

I certainly could relate to the film.

Did I shut the comments down? Sorry.

I am worried about one area, when i speak about Danny my voice crackles, I tear, must stop collect and then finish. I am not bawling like a kid, but some how deep inside me I feel it is not manly. Am I being irrational with myself?

Hi Dick..... No I don't think you shut us all down.....  JUst been the first time this week I could sleep past 5 AM.  I think many of us struggle with Cracking and tearing up.... even for me and it is more than 2  1/2 years... Yesterday I was driving a Special Needs Bus and hear " My Girl"  A 60's Motown song.... I used to sing that song to my Niles when he was upset as a baby and throughout his life (He Had Autism) and would sometimes be upset or sad... I would sing NY-GUY instead of My Girl....   I noticed that Lorraine also called her son SY-Guy.... small world.    many things still trigger my emotions... I can not watch Toy Story 3 or Sponge Bob.... the Toy Story song "You've Got A Friend in Me" was sung at his funeral...but the Hollies song "He Ain't Heavy ... He's My Brother" is one that really sticks in my brain.... that was also sung at the funeral by our musician friends.....and my husband and I are always hit when we hear that song....  and some of the songs like he (Niles) would sing from the radio or TV Shows...  " It's Too Late to Apologize"   Green Acres.... boy somedays you will be going along ok and something like a song on the radio will hit you.... I say we all have PTSD... from this loss...  I've looked on the internet but they really do not mention the loss of a child...mostly military Stresses....  But I can tell you I have many flashbacks that I am afraid to talk about with other people....  and I am sure they are very uncomfortable listening...  maybe this is what happens to the soldiers that feel that they can not talk about the horrors of WAR... people just want to change the subject.  Or say old familiar cliches...

Hello...

Dick, it is not unmanly to cry.  Especially when it comes to your son.  I read a short article about what to do with your grief.  It states:  How come it is o.k. for women to cry but not men?  Even if it is in a locked room, men, give it a try, tears can be healing.  So take care of yourself and do what you need to do.  Don't judge yourself in this situation.  Anything and everything we feel and do is 'normal'.

Grace there is one page I have read about grief and PTSD.  I also believe we suffer from it.  You can read it on the Grief-Healing-Support Site at:

http://www.grief-healing-support.com/post-traumatic-stress-syndrome...

Been having a bummed out week so far.  Feeling so alone and distancing myself from everyone.  Have to go there sometimes because I can't rid myself of anger, or maybe it's just self pity.  I don't really know anymore, but it's better I stay to myself because I may explode on someone and later regret it.

Thinking of you all every day.  •♥•

@Ammy,

I read your article and that nailed me straight on except for the alcohol and drug abuse; I gave up alcohol earlier in the year and completely swore off it after Danny.

I am extremely agitated in large groups of people, I cannot stand it. I went to my company Christmas party; the feeling was not I should not enjoy myself; instead I could not take the crowd of people. We ate and left with very little socializing. Must have been 500 people. I am having problems @ church as well. I really don't want to go, listen to the podcast, but my bible study of 6 people is OK.

I must have PTSD; I just don't want any SSRIs for it.

BTW, I am not soliciting sympathy. I am just noting my feelings and observations. I feel the internet is very anoymous and I can state feelings I may not be able to say in a wetware world.

OK, now the crazy talk. I am Christian...I just want that fact out there before starting because my ideas are against my beliefs...but they are true unfortunately.

I had a head injury when I was seven. We lived in the country so no 911 at that time. They just propted me up against the icebox until I came to. I had my full life until that time flash before me and it was almost like swimming from 50 feet below the surface. When I reached the surface or the light, I woke up. I know this feeling because I sport dive.

Since that time I have had premonitions and odd occurances; I know it is against my beliefs but they happen. Let me count:

1.) At 10 years, I told my brother mom ran over his bike, she did 20 minutes later.

2.) As a teen, I practiced yoga, vegetarianism, and meditation. I let my soul leave my body for a few seconds; got scared and brought it back. Never practiced again.

3.) I felt in 2006, someone in our family would not be at Christmas in 2007. I thought my oldest son would be stationed overseas...or heaven forbid die in combat. My niece passed in Feb. 2007.

4.) I took Danny to my fathers grave one week before he died, I had the odd feeling again that my wife/I would not be buried in our plots. Danny is now buried there.

5.) This Halloween, I was alone and my wife was still at work. I concentrated on Danny very intently to the exculsion of everything else. Remember, I do know how to meditate but choose not to. The dishes in the kitchen rattled just like he would when getting things to eat. Scared me.

I am confused on these points, I am not claiming anything. But they did happen to me.

Dick, I wish I had a wise answer to give you, but we know there is no answer.  Our lives are turned upside down, inside out.

I am also a Christian, and I feel I am a strong believer.  I have had things happen here too, but because of my belief I know it's not my son.  Sometimes I take the thought that it's him just to comfort myself, but deep inside I, myself, don't believe it's him.  I don't judge what others believe.  I think if anything comforts we need to take it.

I understand the incidents that happened to you in your life would be confusing.  there again, I would say you need to feel what will help you and not cause you stress.

I, myself, have never experienced anything like that.  I can remember a few months before my Dad died that he started talking about what he wanted done when he died.  He was 47, and I always thought it odd that he had done that, but never thought too much on it.  My son, on the the other hand, did the same thing. started telling us he wasn't going to live long and to put his body in the woods and let it return to nature.  I brushed it off as nonsense and told him he still had a long time to live, that he now had a daughter to raise, and that it was illegal to put his body in the woods.  He was gone a couple of months later.  I now think that maybe we might get a premonition.  Maybe some of us are more tuned in than others.  Who knows?  

I try to go by what the bible says and stick to that because if I went on my own thinking I might really lose it.

I also don't think anyone thinks you are looking for sympathy.  We all need a place to express our feelings, and for us, this is the place we found.  For all we know, it may save our sanity.

Take care and express all you want.

Dick, like Ammy has said this is a place where you can say anything without judgement. All of us here understand all too well what you are going through. Do not give it a second thought about "chocking up" when you talk about your child. I have good days and bad days. On my bad days I cry like a baby at the littlest thing. It has been 5 years since my son was killed and I still have days when my voice will crack when I talk about him.

I too am what I consider to be a strong believer. Many times I have had premonitions of things happening in our family. I knew when my brother had been killed, or things just out of kilter with other members and have to call them to check on them. The day my son was killed I "knew" I had to get home. When I arrived from church, I found the Army liaison and Chaplain waiting to speak with me. So things have happened to me also. Whether crazy or not I cannot judge. Some things just happen for a reason that we may not be able to understand with our finite minds.

I think we lost Mandy, the lady with the little girl that got hit by an Auto.

Hello everyone. I still don't think of my son in the "past" tense. Just not possible. I still hold on to the hope that none of this ever happened and that I'm dreaming.......even as I'm typing my words. I was just thinking that maybe everything is in reverse, maybe what we percieve to be life is death and what is death is life. Somedays I feel like a cruel joke is being played on me. I feel like I'm "living" in hell. I say hell because where else would a person know this pain, where else would I suffer like this, where else would there be so much sorrow, hate, violence, war, hunger, sickness, greed, jeolousy? Why?!! Is "death" the reward? I felt this way before my son was robbed of his life but now I guess it's more in my face...so to speak. A religious person told me recently that God "needed" my son......I pondered on that thought and said why, what did he need him for?! I need my son, I want my son. I once thought that I had a strong faith but now it is severely weakened. The night my son passed away, it was destroyed. In these past 2 yrs, I'm struggling to build it back up. I try to remember all of those who tell me that it is their FAITH-no matter what religion, that gets them through this horrible ordeal. My battle is, why should any of this be "ok" with me? Why is it that just because we will all meet the same fate, make it be more accepting, more bareable? I am sorry if I have made anyone upset, for that is truly not my intentions. I know that I haven't said anything to positive but I feel like I am withering away. I am so frustrated that I still haven't been able to "FIX" any of this yet. I haven't been able to make it so that none of this happened and my son is on his way home to me. I wasn't done yelling at him to turn his music down, I wasn't done telling him to his face that I love him, I wasn't done giving him hugs. I wasn't done with watching him grow up to become a man.  I was always able to fix his "boo boo's", I could always make him feel better but I couldn't save him, I couldn't help him live more than 21 yrs.

Thanks for listening.

Karen -- that is a beautiful poem and one we all probably need to hear and take note of. There is no "fix" to our pain. We have days that make it tolerable and we have days that are so harsh that we wish we were the ones that had died that fateful day. We all go through different stages of grief and no one stage has a time period. We may even find ourselves going back and forth through some of the stages several times in our lifetime. The "religious" person who said that God "needed" your son was full of honkey dew! God does not need our children for anything. God is all powerful. He can do anything by Himself. As far as our children dieing before us -- evil men do evil things! We pay a price for for disobedience to God. I do not remember the particulars of your son's death. But let me try to offer you a little hope. If you child was killed due to health or injury, would it not be better for them to be with God and safe and sound than living here in pain an misery? I posted in another section (Lost Faith) and asked someone else if they had a choice of their child being with them and in pain or living in another country without any contact with the parent what would you choose. I have had a child with health issues. If I thought for one minute that I could have sent this child to a country where they would have not had a problem, even if it meant I could never see them again I would have done it in a heart beat. I am not saying that every parent could do this. And please do not be angry! I am just offering a few words for thought.

Ann, I guess my beliefs are somewhat similar and somewhat different. while I respect that we would of course not want our children to be in pain, and that God does not want our children for some reason, as the religious person said to Karen, I don't think that God is this all powerful being.  Otherwise, instead of my options of my son living in pain or dying, we would also have been given the choice of him getting better. Perspective is so interesting to me; sometimes you hear people who have been in a car accident and survive say "God must have a plan for me."  Well, what about your two friends who died???  Didn't God have a plan for them?? I guess I don't believe that God has control over these things; I have always believed in something bigger than myself (God or higher power), but I question paying a price for disobedience to God.  If God is there, mine is a loving and forgiving God who realizes that we are all human.  My God doesn't take children from us, rather provides a place of growth and loveliness for us to go to when we are finished here on earth.  Otherwise I'm not really interested; if God is punitive, then I guess I'll go to hell, where I will probably see my spirited and outspoken son since he didn't believe in God, rather in energy.  Oh well, food for thought.  I am not offended by anything you write, just want to put my own two cents in the mix as well.  My heart goes out to you and every other parent here who knows the pain faced each day without our children.  Karen, great poem.  I have a friend who shares some wonderful poems on face book, sometime I will print here.  I know what you mean about death feeling like the reward sometimes. Last week I had the most horrific panic attack on my way to work and relived my son Sy's last moments here, as well as the hours after where I laid in bed with him singing and talking.  I literally thought that I was going to pass out on the road with this panic attack, and had to pull over.  Unfortunately I need to work, so pulled myself together best as I could and showed up half an hour late...  Life is so changed, and so hard to figure it all out anymore.  Sending love to everyone~

Hey Ann, thanks for your support and not being judgemental. Your thoughts were encouraging and comforting. Just to refresh your memory, my 21 yr old son was riding his friend's motorcycle, on a residential street when he was chased and rammed into an oncoming car. He sustained a massive brain injury and was in ICU for 1 wk before he passed away. He had been missing for 30 hrs before we found out what happened. He was admitted as a "John Doe" because the police claimed he had no ID on him. His case is still under investigation. I know who is responsible thanks to witnesses, I am diligently seeking justice for my son. I hope that some of my pain and anguish will be , however slightly, diminished once these people are held accountable. These circumstances just further fuels my anger.

I agree with you, I do believe that if my child had been ill and sending him away would benefit him and enable him to live......I would do it. Just as I would have traded places with him to spare him this tragic, unjust end.

Hey Lorrraine,  thanks to you also for your support. I really read into what you said, I also have felt like here is something bigger me, greater than us all. I really would like to believe that this great power, God, energy, does NOT "allow" these things to happen. And I agree about what happened to be given the option to get better. We are definately not perfect and why should we be punished for being less than that? The night that the doctor told me that there was nothing else they could do for my son, I felt defeated and than i felt like I was being punished. I couldn't think of why else I would be experiencing such pain that was powerful enough to kill me. I started feeling like all of my "good" deeds were all in vain, I was angry that my son was not given another chance by this "Great Power". Maybe it just happened because we are less than perfect and this world is simply fu@k!d up! Whatever  the reason, there is no accectable reason to me. I have also experienced panic attacks as you described......not a good feeling. I know how hard it must be to perform at work as if you are "OK" because just because they don't see the tears flowing on the outside, they are always flowing on the inside.

SENDING HUGS TO ALL.

I truly believe the words " accept the things I cannot change". I cant go back and change any of it, Nothing I say or do will bring my children back to me, so I really have no other choice. I guess I could greive till I die but what message does that send to my daughters and my grandchildren? I love my boys and I will always love and remember them. They will always be in my heart and on my mind. A love like that never goes away. So I chose to accept it all. I still have times of sorrow, anger, pain and wonder but I refuse to allow it to consume any more precious time. I cannot change whats happened, but I sure as heck can control how much  time is spent feeling bad. I know my sons would want me to live laugh and love to the best of my ability for them and for the people we love here on earth.. Anything is possible.

Feel like I am "existing" rather than living.  

Me too Adrianne.  I am so blasted tired. Just worn out.

My wife and I will be going to Compassionate Friends tonight; make me feel a bit better afterwards.

Regards,

I was able to throw out some of my son's food today.  Why was that so hard?  Every time I have to let go of another thing it's like letting him go and soon he won't be anymore.  Will he fade away?  I can't imagine that, but letting things go feels like I'm letting him fade.  I don't know how to handle these emotions.  Am I going crazy or am I already crazy.  78 weeks today, and on the 14th it will be 18 months.  A year and a half and I don't know where I've been during that time.

Existing?  Yes, that is what I am doing too, and I'm tired of it.  Every day just seems blah.  Between the being okay and the crying, the ups and the downs, I truly feel exhausted and I can't stop thinking.  I don't want to wake up anymore to this nightmare.  I'm tired......

ImTired.jpg

It has been more than 2  1/2 years since I lost my son and even 29 years since my 1 st husband.... I don't think you will ever come accross something even by accident that won't remind you of them.    for me it was a Valentine's Day Card around Valentine's Day from Steve (Husband)..... or those knicks in the wall from (Son) Niles... how do you ever paint over those memories?  I have felt those very same emotions Ammy... and I still do for the most part.... even 29 years later.... There was a TV show on about Hunting that reminded me of how Steve loved to hunt.... I am a little tougher to be able to watch it now with remebering him with love but still amazed how many years have passed and how I have had such a totally new chapter in my book of life....

I remember those early months Adrianne.  Even though it is still hard I would not want to go back there.  Grace, your comment scares me even though I've felt this would not ever get completely better.  I still feel exhausted from it all.  I read something someone wrote and I guess it's going to be truth ... at least for some time to come.

The death of a child, young or old, is the worst thing which can happen to a parent. It tears your heart out and changes your life forever.  I call it a life sentence, where every day you're led to the gas chamber,  electric chair, or to the room where they give you a lethal injection, only to be told at the last minute that it's been postponed until tomorrow.  And you start again. 

A life sentence.  We've all been sentenced, but for what?  Why?  

My niece lost her mother and it was so difficult.  She wrote me recently and this is her quote, "it is hard to believe god would give us life than test us with our faith".

Amen

For Days... really almost a week a Facebook aquaintance revealed her daughter was in a coma after anaphylaxis and a heart attack... same age girl as my Niles was.... I CAN NOT for the life of me know this woman... but only that she Friended me in June of 2009..... shortly after my son died on May 27.....   Now to read that she is living this nightmare..... and she has not posted all week... which makes me remember that week we lost our Niles... I am wondering if she is in the hospital getting that same grave news...  I feel so close to her... especially in this situation... but CAN NOT for the life of me Know how I know her... except that my heart is so sad for her.....

Grace

My close friend lost her 22 son from anaphylaxis shock just a few weeks before my son passed.  The autopsy report showed no apparent reason for it.  She lost her daughter age 21 just two years before.  

Life seems normal for most but when you read all of this, we understand we aren't the minority really.  But damn it's a hard reality.  I just want my son back.  

As I just clicked over to my Facebook... I saw the posting.... Saddly... her 11 year old daughter has passed and donated 7 Organs... today they become a member of this awful club of Grief...  and Yet as I did with our son... and they have so bravely chosen.... some families are geting the call they have been waiting for... hoping to avoid the death of a loved one...... Such a decision to make in ones "DARKEST HOURS"  becomes someone elses Answered Prayer....

Grace, so sorry for your "friend", and all the feelings it is dredging up in you as well.  One way to check fb friends is to look at what friends you have in common.  I had to do that to find out who one of my friends who wasnt to my knowledge friend or family.  Turned out she was a distant relative. 

Is anyone else suffering from flashbacks? I have been having them more and more frequently.  My mind will just suddenly "trip" back to that horrible day.  It only lasts a minute or two and then I can pull myself back into "today" but when it happens it's frightening. Feels like a gut-punch. 

Lisa,

I have flashbacks every day.  I didn't go to the house my son was living in that night.  I wanted so badly to go to kiss him but I didn't want that to be my final memory.  And, I was afraid I might actually go crazy.  Instead, I flash back to not going.  

Hello everyone, I also feel like I'm just existing. I stil haven't been able to part with any of my son's things. The thought of it causes me so much anxiety. I can't let go so to speak because I too feel like it will be letting my son go and I can't do that. Every one in this house has been warned not to give any of his things away, they think I need to but just them mentioning that to me, makes me crazier, so they pretty much don't bother me anymore. They will NEVER understand. It's part of the same reasons I have that I am so compelled to maintain my son's memorial site and his final resting place.

I still classify my pain and sadness as tortuous. I guess this is how the rest of my days will be. I try to take people's advice that try to reassure me that my son hates to see me this way and my sadness will cause him not to have peace, I just don't know how to feel any different. One of my daughter;s told me that I am only making my son feel bad and trust me, I would hate myself even more if that was the case, for surely, none of this was his fault. I just can't find any comfort other than talking to people that sincerely understand and not being critized about my grief. Most days I feel like a zombie, just wondering around. I do have distractions but they are short lived. I want my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hugs to all

I was with my son giving CPR. So I cannot ever stop that memory. I was with my father when he drew his last breathe as well. So some memories will never fade, but I would not trade them. I am just glad I was there with them and they we not alone.