Dick

I feel the same way.    My son has been cheated, our family has been cheated,  &  I as a parent have been cheated----   It all hurts so very bad-  &  just sucks so very bad. 

Thanks Karen & Lorraine. I posted a video made by his friends. It make me feel a wee bit better when people view it. It helps me feel he is still with us.

Hello to all, we had company today.  A nephew and his wife stopped in.  I think they are the first to visit (besides our immediate family) us since our son died almost 17 months ago.  It was kind of a nice distraction even though I teared up several times.  I am completely ignoring the fact that Christmas is coming.  No decorations as of yet and no shopping.  Going to order something online for Charles' daughter and the rest will get some money.  I think, for me, this year is worse than last year.  I hope you all are doing better than I am.  As Lorraine said...I also don't know how you that work can keep going.  And I feel bad that my granddaughter is missing out on having her Daddy, but I wouldn't care if he would have turned out to be a nobody.......I would still rather have him here with all his faults.  He was not perfect but he had a heart full of love and compassion for people.  I pray you all have a tolerable week.  One with less tears and more smiles.  Stay well and safe.  Sending hugs to all.   ♥ ♥ ♥

Dick,    What a touching tribute the video of Daniel is.     He is so handsome and looks to be a real character,  love his smile.  Thanks for sharing him with us.

Love my friends here.  Y'all take care and prayers things will be better someday.  Maybe we can put a Christmas tree this year, could not do a thing in 2010.

It hasn't been four months yet.  I can't do this Christmas thing.  I have two other adult kids and 4 grandkids and I feel so badly that I feel this way.  I miss my son.  He did Christmas with me.  Every year we went and bought a real tree.  He would get the boxes out and truck them up from the storage house to the house.  We live in the mountains so often it would be snowing.  He did a lot of shopping with me and loved Christmas like I do.  Or did anyway.  He was my wing man.  Cleaned up after the girls and the kids and never complained.  Last year we bought an artificial tree. Even though he didn't like that he helped me.  I said I wouldn't ever buy one, but it is so cold up here that the heat is on always and the tree would dry out too fast.  He packed it up and put it away and we talked about the next year.  Well, it's the next year and I can't do this without him.  I'm more than sad and heartbroken.  And, I know you all understand that feeling.  

Adrianne, I know how you feel. It has just been three months. Zach was in a couple of bands, and his friends are putting on a Tribute to him this Saturday. They have been wonderful, I don't know what we would have done without them. It is going to be so hard though to go here them play and Zach not be there with them. The 16th is Zach's birthday, he would have been 24, it just isn't right. Last year we all spent the week before Christmas together at the mountains, we were planning on doing it again this year. The day of Zach's accident my husband was getting ready to mail our deposit for our trip. Of course we are not going. I just look at our pictures from last year, and wish so badly I could just rewind and we could all be there together again. Your son sounds like he was a really good guy, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't understand why any of us have to go through this. You will be in my prayers, you are not alone. Robin

* A GENTLE REMINDER ...  As the holidays en-circle us ---    

If your spiritual that is wonderful but,  you do not have to even believe in GOD to be welcome here.    So please respect others & keep preaching to a minimum.    "everyone grieving deserves comfortable place to come".     

thank you Karen, I think it is important to remember also that people's beliefs may change or their faith may be shaken after losing a child.  I know that I have struggled.  I do believe that Sy's spirit has carried on, but I can't pray, even as I respect others beliefs.  So thank you for putting that out here my friend.

ok, I know this isnt really the place to deal with this but I literally have no where else to turn.  Last night my idiot boyfriend announces that he's leaving me.  Really? Thanks, as if Christmas wasn't going to be hard enough for me! He's been less than supportive through this whole thing and this "club" that he belongs to has turned him into a giant asshole. So, I know, in the long run I'll be better off without him but how heartless can one human be? And how many times can my heart be broken?

Lisa it is a difficult time for you to have support a boyfriend emotionally.  I can imagine how hard it is to be alone right now after losing your child.  However, I can't imagine grieving with a whole lot of other stress at the same time.  I have stress.  My work and other grown kids and grandkids.  Just the stress of trying not to frighten them by my depression.  But to endure an emotional stress in a relationship right now would be more than one could handle.  I pray for you that you will find the courage to go forward without him.  You need all the support you can get right now.  Don't allow anyone to make this more difficult than it is.  This is the most pain one could endure.  We will all either all make it out of this somehow stronger, or we will endure a life of extreme hardship bounded by pain and depression.  I'm afraid of both as neither seems to be acceptable without my son.  I plan on doing what God want's for me, watching for all the signs no matter how difficult.  Because I want to see my son again and I know you want to see your child again.  Regardless if we know the truth, this is a faith issue and I am going to gamble in his favor.  I pray the same for you.  Be good to you.  You have gone through enough.  

Lisa.... I have felt alone in my grief even with my husband.... Our Marriage has suffered through this pain and there are days where I don't know if it will survive.

This seems to be a time in one's life when we see who we really are and how much of a priority we are for the significant other.....   I told my husband to think of that song from the 70"s   "You Left Me... Just When I Needed You Most"

For years I have felt taken for granted and now I am crying out with NEED and I have felt very alone... this past year has been very difficult.

I am soooo sorry you are having this experience now.... This whole grief crap sucks....  But it can also enlighten you to re evaluate who is important in your life too....  Hugs

Maybe we start another disscussion on will a relationship survive the death of a child.?

Adrianne and Grace - Thanks for your words of comfort and wisdom.  My friedn who lost child many years ago told me that during this time of intense grief it was important to understand that if someone or something was not a part of the solution, they were part of the problem and to cut it loose.  She was so right. Like you said Adrianne, I have enough stress on me now without having to deal with this. Bad as it hurts right now. I feel so betrayed. But I know in the long run it's whats best for me.

I hope you all are doing okay through this month.  I am not, but I'm trying.  Feel so angry again and started taking it out on my husband and youngest daughter.  Feel like I am truly losing my mind.  Praying it will soon ease up and I can think a little more clearly again.  Just know that you all are in my thoughts daily.  ♥ ♥ ♥

Ugh, today was rough.  Missing my Sy guy so much I can't stand it.  I think about 4 years ago when he was with us but fighting the cancer, and what we were going through then.  It makes me sick to my stomach with missing him.  My heart is heavy.  This is so difficult, I don't know how any of us keep putting one foot in front of the other.  It is hard not to let it seep into everything. One of my daughters just got a great job and it has been a good week for her.  another daughter is visiting with her one year old, who is so cute and wonderful.  Still this loss makes everything else a bit less sparkly than it would be, and it is unfair to my daughters as well.  I am trying not to let them know I'm struggling this week, so thank you to friends here for letting me vent.  Sending love to everyone here...

Oh Lorraine, I know what you mean.  I try so hard to act 'normal' in front of my family.  I think the girls are healing, which is normal for them (I think), but I wonder if I will ever heal.  I'm exhausted from sadness.  If that makes any sense.  I also feel so stressed with having my son's little girl with us so much of the time.  I'm not living my life...I'm acting out life.  I hear her now.  She just woke up from her nap.  Take care everyone.  Sending my love to all.  ♥ ♥ ♥

Hello everyone I joined Grief support today. On my page I shared the passing of Heather My 19 yr. old Daughter. She passed away on Oct. 10th 2010 in the US 23 highway car accident near Okemos, MI I miss Heather so much, She was my best friend and a blessed gift to my husband and I. I'm struggling to get through the days. Thanks for listening

Welcome Holly -    So very sorry about Heather.     I hope you find support, and understanding here.   We are all great listeners as we too feel your pain & truly do understand.   

Thanks so much Karen for welcoming me and sharing your support.

Just saying hello to everyone! I have not been on in quite awhile. Finally got my computer working......hope it lasts.  I missed evryone terribly. Now I have to get caught up and read everyone's postings......boy, I missed alot! I'm back!

Greetings Holly, I would also like to welcome you. I am sorry to hear of your tremendous loss. I am usually on this site everyday. If you scroll through, you will see many of my postings. I am still suffering from the the loss of my 21yr old son. Unfortunately, you have INVOLUNTARILY joined our sad "club". For me, it has not become easier only longer. I reached the 2 yr mark a couple of months ago. It will never be "OK", what happened will never be "ACCEPTABLE" to me, it just won't. He's my son and I want and need him here! I can honestly say that this site/ these members, have helped keep me out of the pysch unit. It means so much to have all my feelings and thoughts validated and not judged.

Sending many hugs to you and everyone.

My relationship started to heal about 3 months ago. My husband and I are still living separate but it's better for me this way.......not for him. My husband has learned and is still learning to just leave me be.....so to speak.  meaning he is not on this mission of constantly wanting to protect me by telling me to stop crying all the time, or hiding my son's pictures or telling me to move on. His actions were only inferiorating me and made me resent him because he made me feel like he was being insensitive and that he didn't care. He realizes that now. Now he will simply hold me or just wipe my tears away. I am not strong enough for us to live together under the same roof yet. Sometimes he doesn't know what to say or what not to say, and i do feel bad for that because none of this is not his fault, he was very supportive, in his own way, throughout my son's hospital stay in ICU and after his passing. It is hard for him to see me in such pain, I felt like I needed to give him a break from all of my gloom. He is not my son's biological father but he did love my son.

Hello Dick, so sorry to hear of yet another loss. I have not been on in quite awhile so I am scrolling through the postings. I have said many times on this site that I feel like my son and I were robbed of his young life, he was 21 yrs old, I made the 2 yr mark a couple of months ago and i am still very angry and my pain is just as heavy as the day that I was told that there was nothing else they could do for my son. If you have the time to scroll through, you will see many of my postings. Since I have been a member, I have not noticed too many fathers sharing their feelings with us, some people seem to think that men and women grieve differently but I think a parent is a parent. Once again, I am so sorry to here that yet another parent has joined this group. I am always willing to listen, that's the best support I can offer because I certainly don't have any encouraging words.

Many hugs!

Unless you've lost a child.......then Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child. Don't tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us, where they belong. Don't say at least they are not suffering. We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all. Don't tell us at least we have other children. Which of your children would you have sacrificed? Don't ask us if we feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. Don't force your beliefs on us. Not all of us have the same faith. Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years. What year would you choose for your child to die? Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else. Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain. Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child. No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things. Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us. Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. We are in pain, but not deaf. Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us. Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others. Don't tell us to get on with our lives. We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar. Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry. Do put your arms around us and hold us. We need your strength to get us through each day. Do say you remember our child, if you do. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them. Do let us talk about our child. Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever. Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings. Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. Cry with us if you want to. Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child. Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do. Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain. Do be thankful for children. Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

The poem below is a poem I posted many times before but I just wanted to share it with any new members that have unfortunately joined.

Greetings Holly, Glad to meet you but so sad for yet another broken-hearted mother.

Ammy - Thanks for posting about the candle lighting! I had not heard about it and it was nice to participate.  I posted Roxanne's picture on the FB message board for CFI and was horrified by the thousands of posts from grieving parents and siblings!

I actually had a small victory yesterday.  Every Christmas Roxanne and I would have a cookie day where we would spend all day in the kitchen baking cookies and cakes and candies.  I didn't think that I would find the courage to do it this year without her.  But yesterday two of her sweet friends came and spent the day with me. We put some music on and got busy! Laughing, joking and dancing our way to some fabulous Christmas treats.  After our marathon baking spree, we went to the cememtery and lit candles for Roxanne.  I got sugar cookie scented ones.  I went back this morning at 7am and they were still burning! And the air all around her grave like cookies! It made me smile. The girls and I have decided to make this a new Christmas tradition!

Hugs to everyone today! Lisa

Lisa.... I had my Cookie party with my girlfriends yesterday too... I started it the year of my Niles death...it is the 3rd cookie thon.  It was my way to force myself to acknowledge the holiday and my friends began to come to show they were gonna help me get through the holidays... we bake... laugh and even have a few drinks... it has become an annual event that we all enjoy.   I am still not great for the whole presents and shopping but have been blessed that I began singing at a ski hill every year since his death and I get free Ski Passes.. so Cookies and Ski Passes are my gifts... and I do not have to see the shopping maddness.  But as with all of us... the Holidays are such sad melancholy times.

Holly... welcome to this group... yeah we all got some really crappy days and we all can come here unconditionally to vent....   where others are willing to listen and feel this pain....but also know that it is ok to have good days too....and celebrate them like Lisa has.... sometimes doing things to remember are great ways to validate your child's life and the significant impact that thier very existance has contributed to the world.   PEACE!

Oh Grace, I know what you mean about the whole shopping thing. I got most all my gifts on-line this year.  I did go shopping with a girlfriend for her hubby and I managed to ramble around the bookstore one evening but that has been the extent of my shopping.  I can't stand to go to Wal-mart right now. I've found that my anxiety level has increased as the holidays get nearer and crowds just send me into a fit!

Karen, Thanks so much for your kind hearted welcome

2011 is just about over. It has been the most horrible year of my life; but I don't want it to end. It will seem like I am leaving my son, a part of me behind. I just wish time would stop or roll back to a more pleasant time. :(

Dick,      "  I understand "        I felt that way in 2007 -    and then people kept saying happy new year I hope it is a better one--- but,  as awful as it ended....  most of  2007 I had my son -  I hated leaving that year behind.    and the words Happy New Year- hurt so bad.  

I had a dental appointment the other day. When I am asked how is my health; I let the healthcare provider know I am grieving for my son. I am sure it has health ramifications. 

But the dental assistant giggled after I told her and said I was the second parent that week. I am not sure if it was nervous giggle or what, but I am still upset over the incident. Bothers me.

Oh Dick that would have made me furious!  How dare she giggle!!!!  I am ticked off for you.  As a parent that buried a son I would not be able to accept that no matter what her excuse would have been.  Actually I would have been crying and then walked out so she would never have had a chance to explain to me, but I would have reported her behavior to someone there by phone later.  I hope you are feeling calm about it now and can chalk it up to the stupidity of some people.  They just have no clue!!

Dick and Anna.... I find people just want to skip over the subject... change it... as if they move on to something else... it will take our mind off of our troubles.... I think really it is because in spite of them truely wanting to be supportive.... most of the "Outside" World is just so uncomfortable with our grief.... I have this even in my doctor office.... and not only has this grief been so painful but my marriage has suffered.... this week at my physical I was asked if I was sexually active... (they know I'm Married) and I said No and it was just another check on the list of questions.... and even the same happens when I speak about the death of my son.... strange how you would think a DOCTOR of all people would not be such a stranger to death.  and grief....

Well.... I have experienced this for so long and I have still been so Raw with pain and with seemingly no place to turn to talk and work through it.... that is what brought me to this site..... where we all unfortunately are on a similar path.... and we can share openly without feeling shut off.... or feel the Outside world Squirm with the discomfort of NOT really knowing how to help us.... and let's face it...our nerve endings are so sensitive and Raw when it comes to the response of the outside world.... maybe because we are angry that we are here and they have such a wonderful "Normal" life with happy outcomes for thier children... and why did we not get our Happy outcome?  Here we can't be envious of each other because we all have pain...   I find that I force myself to avoid thinking of dates... when I have anticipated a date Holiday, birthdays... that builds more anxiety than the actual event.  So I try hard to not put any significants to those event.... can I re-state the word TRY.... Because it is still soo hard....

No I did not storm out and I did not report it. She just did not know how to respond; but it bothered me and still does. 

Today was a hard day. Thank God for my two youngest daughters, they have done most of the decorating in our home. My husband's birthday is on Wednesday and he does not want to do anything so tonight I did an unofficial birthday dinner and had all the family here to decorate the tree together. We have always decorated the tree together, it has been our tradition. My 5 year old granddaughter tonight was decorating and then her little face feel and she sat down at the table. I asked her what was wrong and she said "a very important person in our family is missing, and it makes me very sad". God this is so hard. I talked to my brother tonight, who lost his son two years ago and he told me it is still so hard for him and his daughter too. It is good that I  have him to turn to,  he knows exactly how I am feeling but so very sad that we have to experience this together. God please help us all get through the coming days, and I pray that we all can find some peace and maybe a little bit of joy with our remaining family members and friends. Robin

Hi friends,My Jamie has been gone 2yrs. and it still doesn't seem real. The one thing I can say is even tho he is not here with me, I know he is spending his Christmas with Jesus and he is with the others in our family that has gone on, and  with the way this world is going, it won't be long befor God comes bk to take all who believes in him, to heaven with him, THEN I will be with my babyboy again, This is wht helps me keep what sanity I have left. But that doesn't make the holidays easy for me at all I still stay in touch with my grief counsler always. I'm also trying to write a book on his life that all his friends have asked me to do. I'm trying so hard, but when alot of his memories come flooding bk, I have to stop. But if it takes me yrs to get it done, I'm not going to stop.Because other mothers with Cerebral Palsey children should Never give up on them just because some Drs. tell them alot of negative things, to Not believe them.I pushed Jamie all through his life to do his Best at all things, and he did. Hehad just became an ordained minister just befor he died because of a fatal dose of coughsyrup one nite. I can't help but still blame myself for it happening.Cause he was my son and I was suppose to protect him, and I failed.But I know only God knows when we are goi home to him. I feel too that the book wil help keep his memory alive too. I also have DVD's of the churches he preached at, and his sermons on cassette to listen to, and they will go in the bk of his book too for people to see and hear him..  This is making me want to take camcorders pictures of my other two,in case ( God forbid) anything ever happened to them.MMy prayers are for everyone who have lost a child;

I just read that Sandra LaBonte, a mom here who lost her daughter Kasey, has taken her life.  I am saddened by this news, and wish there was some way to protect one another from suicide after the death of our children.  If there is anyone who is feeling suicidal, please call a hotline, check in with friends here or outside of this group; get help.  I know it is unbearable and place no blame for whatever a parent does after such a deep loss; I just hate to see more grief and loss come out of our own pain.  Take good care my friends

<3  REST IN PEACE WITH YOUR PRECIOUS KASEY SANDRA <3

Lisa and Grace, what a wonderful idea/tribute to your children. I think that is beautiful. A friend of mine helped organize a toy event in honor of my son. We collected toys to distribute to children in the Pediatric Unit in the same hospital where my son was. My 21 yr old son had been in the adult ICU but he will always be my "baby".  We will be giving out the toys right before the holidays because alot of them won't be able to go home for Christmas or Hannukah or Eid(Islamic Holiday).        Many hugs to all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oj__acFbsyk

Miss you sooooo much Brad- I dedicate this to You my precious son & to all of your precious children & you as well my dear aching friends..... xoxoxo

Here is a nice song.... For all of us that may be feeling like Sandra...... you can count on God to Not Let Go..... or if you are struggling with your faith...... WE  ON THIS GROUP "Won't Let Go"  Because we have all felt like this song.... we just got to know we can make it and We Won't Let Go!

 http://youtu.be/Af8mB9ABuJA

Oh ny goodness Lorraine! I just read your comment about Sandra LaBonte! I don't know how I missed your comment. This is horrible!! Has this info been confirmed?  If it has, when did this occur? Oh how I hope it's not true! God knows that I have been there my self but I decided not to do it because I didn't want my children to experience any more pain.........especially my youngest. I know what she was feeling. This just awful.  Sending hugs to all.

Oh wow, I just read Sandy's profile on her page........to my dismay, it's true! We all have to continue to be there for each other as best as we can.

so sad, this really hit me hard.  We are all so vulnerable after losing our beloved children...

Yes, its sadly true. Her obit:

LaBONTE, Sandy age 47, of Spring Hill, passed away on Dec. 12, 2011. Her entire family will miss her every day and she will forever remain in our hearts. Sandy was predeceased by her beloved daughter, Kasey Castleberry. She is survived by her husband, Harold Buster Barker, of Spring Hill; step daughter, Jennifer Barker, Spring Hill; step son, Jason Barker, Spring Hill; parents James & Ingrid LaBonte, St. Petersburg; siblings Linda & Jeff VanOosting, St. Petersburg, Kathy & Donald Klase, St. Petersburg, Jennifer & Robert Cutting, St. Petersburg, James LaBonte, Spring Hill; nieces and nephews, Emily, Michael & Amber VanOosting, St. Petersburg, Brandon Klase, St. Petersburg, Brad & Travis Cutting, St. Petersburg, Kevin, Marcus & Ryan LaBonte, Spring Hill; great-nephew Brayden LaBonte. Calling hours are to be held Friday, Dec. 16, 1-2 pm with Service at 2 pm at Brewer and Sons, 280 Mariner Blvd., Spring Hill, 352-688-4991.

Here is the funeral home website link if you wish to leave condolences:

http://hosting-24664.tributes.com/show/Sandy-LaBonte-92939731

Adrianne, I am praying for you RIGHT NOW.  You are not alone.  Tell me about your son--if that's ok with you.  I'm listening.  Linda V.

1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Hotline.