Karen, You always write what i am feeling. I go the cemetery and accident scene and keep it  clean also. I just got back. We have tried to give Kasey sod 3 times now and it keeps dying. We finally got some that is growing. The only water out there is a 100 year old hand pump. I'm the crazy lady out there every day pumping and filling up the 5 gallon bucket until I'm exhausted. But dammit Kasey is going to have green grass if it kills me. i don't care what anybody thinks

Karen, I think I understand.  I just had to erase everything I had written here because when I looked at it I felt like it was a lie.  I'm beginning to even confuse myself.  I am starting to just think he is away.  I noticed the last few days that when I go by his room I don't see him propped up on the bed watching TV anymore.  The room is just empty because he is away.  Yes, I agree with about being crazy.  We can be.  I guess that's part of our new 'normal' too.  But today is 16 months.  I got through most of today okay, but now it's dark here and I feel the heaviness in my chest. Fighting against the tears.  The number days and Wednesdays I always remember.  Especially Wednesday mornings when I relive those first couple of minutes of knowing he was gone.  The rest is kind of a blur.  

I am grateful for those that have found some help with counseling.  I hope things keep improving for you.  Hate to see anyone in this 'hell' of grief.

Blessings & hugs to each of you.

Ammy, bless you heart.  I share your suffering and loss. Been 14 months Tuesday since our son took his life. By the grace of God we have survived.  Tried to go to counseling at a local church, missed the time.  This is my venting place!

Thank you for responding to my question.  I found the pastor of the church I am attending to be helpful as he lost his 21 year old son 3 years ago Christmas.  He was murdered.  I don't know what I would do with a counselor except tell the same feelings I have to her/him that I have told to my family.  I too want to go to the cemetery which is why I buried him rather than spreading his ashes.  It isn't easy but where else do we visit them?  I have a candle burning by a picture daily as well.  I talked to my son about 20 times a day or more and he was help at home and with my business when I needed him.  I am lost without him.  

Ammy, Wednesday is the most horrible day for me too.  My son died on August 17th.  A Wednesday.  

Hi everyone, I am noticing more and more that I too, am starting to convince myself that my son is just "away", I tell myself that he is fine and he will call me soon. I yell at myself and tell myself that I need to snap out of this nightmare because none of it ever happened, my son just hasn't contacted me yet.......maybe when I'm sleeping I am really awake and maybe when I am awake, I am really sleeping.!

Oh Karen.  I feel so bad for you.  For all of us.  I thought today that my family and friends though they mean well often tell me that he is our angel looking after us.  The problem I have with that is that my father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle and so on have gone before him. All good christians. They didn't do a very good job of looking after him or he wouldn't have passed so young.  It is hard to know what to believe.  

Thanks again Adrianne for all of your support.....many hugs!

Oh, wouldn't it be nice if we were just dreaming.  I'm sorry to say this, but I only believe our children are angels in our hearts.  They can't help us or they would have.  Only God, if He desires, can help and I also believe that in time He will.  Somehow, someway.  I'm just hanging here and waiting.  

Of course you all should know that I can change my mind in a minute.  I know I contradict myself.  I've been paying attention to my thought processing a little and I realize I am doing that.  I guess I go with whatever will help me in that moment.

Sometimes I believe he is in the room with me.  Right next to me.  Then I go from that to he is at rest.  Waiting for all of us to join him on resurrection day.  Today he was back in Alaska enjoying all that he loved there.  Alaska was his favorite place.  He always said he wanted to go back some day.  It must have been very special to him because it was the longest time he ever spent away from us.  He stayed there for two and a half years. 

As Karen said the other day, 'crazy'.  Well, I also feel crazy at times, but my craziness doesn't remove the pain from this hole in my heart, the missing him, the tears.  So, I guess I'm not really crazy...yet.

Oh, forgive me.  Today is Wednesday and I'm all over the place a little more than usual.  I almost want to laugh at myself.  If it wasn't so horrible, it would have to be comical.  I have gone from a strong woman to an emotionally, psychologically, damaged child.  Where do I go from here?

Hoping, wishing, praying that your day is bearable, but more than that I wish you find a smile, a good laugh at something.  Wouldn't that feel good?

Love to you all!

It was May 2009..... I am still looking for Niles... as if I misplaced him.... maybe someone took him?  Maybe if I Do>>>> they will let him come back... tears..... He isn't coming back.... he is dead and his ashes are in that drawer next to you by the bed.... Another night of sleepless dreams..... to wake up and pretend the day is "Normal"  Back to work.... THINK of something else ... get this out of my mind so I don't fall apart.... silly me.... no one wants to really know how I feel... or if I slept well...   That repeated dream of he is just gone... and I keep searching to find him....   now to go off to work and pretend I'm OK....

Oh Grace I so relate ((( HUGS )))

Grace, I want to know how you feel.  This is our safe place.  Where we don't have to see the faces of those that don't understand our lives.  We don't have to make casual conversation.  I hate that more than their indifference.  Hope your night goes okay.  {{{Hugs}}}

I like that we don't need to pretend here.  It is one of the few places where I can come and know that people are respecting the pain I am in over the loss of my son, not judging me for not "getting over it."  Thank you.  You are all in my heart. I have been sick for three days, really sick and couldn't get out of bed.  Slept alot, and my mind kept wandering to my son Silas as he began to lose his battle with cancer and slept more.  Is this what happens?  I wondered.  Do people really get so tired and slip away?  Of course my beautiful boy did not go without a fight, which was who he was here, not one to give in or give up.  Guess I am just tired, and know I have to go to work tomorrow no matter how sick :-( thanks for listening.

Hello to all, I second that motion.......this is our safe place and the support that I recieve here means more than any words could say. I also still search for my son, any and every where and yes I tell myself that my son is right next to me, its like I can feel him. I talk to my son all the time.......which is why I like to be alone sometimes. I ask him to sit down at the dining table, I pat a spot on my bed for him to sit and join me, I ask him to come and lay down next to me in my bed and ask him if he can comfort me. Sometimes I tell him "enough of this crap!!, stop it and come back to me, let me see you and hold you"!  After him being "gone" for 2 yrs this October, I am still feeling beat up, I still have no comfort. Somehow I push forward and through another day but each day is only a cruel reminder that my heart will forever be broken.

I keep having a dream about my son and I dont know what to make of it. I would like anyones opinion that would like to reply. In real life 3 years ago my son was a passanger in a car accident with 4 other teenagers. The car flipped end over end 3 times but my son was ok. We had made arrangements for him to be home at 11:30p.m. and I went to bed assumming he would be home when he said he would. The police called me at 4 a.m telling me he had been in a bad accident but was very slow at saying if he was ok or not.The next thing I heard was my son screaming in the back ground.. he was screaming "You have to tell her I am alright or she will freak out!" "Tell her I am alright!" "IM OK MOM!..IM OK!".. he almost went to jail that night because he almost ripped the phone out of the policemans hand because he was so frantic to let me know he was ok...he knew I loved him that much. The dream I keep having is that conversation. On the phone with the cop with him screaming that he is ok in the background. Some people I have told about it think it is his spirit trying to let me know he is ok.(I wish that was so) and some people think it is just wishful thinking or my brain reliving a traumatic moment.... I dont know what to think but I know it breaks my heart to hear him screaming so clearly that he's ok only this time I cant meet him in the E.R. ..I wish this dream would stop.

My friends who have lost a child, a 39 year old son who took his life.  We are having a terrible time tonight after 12 months, two weeks and two days.  Pray for us, almost unbearable.  This is the only place I can find some peace.

dear Jodi, so sorry to hear that you are being bothered by this dream, none of us need any extra stress. I would like to believe that your son is letting you know that he is ok. I could only wish that I would have a dream like that about my son. I used to have dreams and auditory hallucinations that my son was crying for me and sometimes I would feel him saying "mom, look at what they did to me"!... I was already over the edge but that put me over the edge even more by only hanging by a small thread. His cries were tormenting me, so I would love to hear him scream that he is alright.

many hugs, so sorry.

Dear Frances, once again, so sorry to hear about your continued suffering. I never feel like I will have any comforting words to say but I will say that I am always willing to listen and I totally understand your feelings of feeling like this is all so unbearable.

Many hugs to you also.

Does it seem that, the closer it gets to the holidays, the more stupid and insensitive people become toward you? Or is it just that, with our emotions and nerves so raw, we misinterpret what people are trying to say?  Not sure if it's just me or has anyone else experienced this?

I'm wondering this because I've had several experiences the past week where people have just said remarkably insensitive things to me. One person asked me how I was doing and I replied fine. I was at work, very busy, didn't want to get into a discussion of my pain at that moment.  She huffed at me and said "Now we all know that's not true! It's your first Holidays without Roxanne and Dalton is way up in New York! Just stop it with that "fine" business, we all knoow better!"  Did I take that wrong? And there have been lots of other stupid comments. Maybe it's just me.

Hello my sisters in grief.  I have been keeping up with the comments.  I'm surprised that I have, because I usually have to stay away at times.  I have been wondering myself why so many memories and thoughts have been going through my mind lately.  Jodi, I have only had a couple of very brief dreams of my son except for one.  He was outside moving a stone and he looked up at me and said, "You know I made some hourglasses down there".  In my mind I knew down there meant our basement.  I asked why he made them and he said it was the only way he could talk to her.  That was it.  I was just glad to have been with him and talking to him.  I looked for meanings of dreams and they made sense to me in a way.  This is what I found for my symbols:

Hourglass - An hourglass represents the passing of time and the end of a cycle in one's life or a project.
The hourglass in the dream can be a symbol of the separation of something dear or the loss of a close person, - further details can be interpreted with the help of other symbols.
Spiritually:At the spiritual level the hourglass in the dream is a symbol of the death, the unkeepable open passing by time.Other Popular: 'Memento mori', your days are counted, - also: Death in the family.
(European ones).:- meant death or inevitable separation of a being close person.   - dangerous illness.

Stones:  A stone symbolizes strength, unity, and unyielding beliefs. Look at the shape, texture and color of the stone for additional significance. If the stones are rough, then it represents your quest in recognizing and developing your self-identity. Part of this quest is to also become aware of your unconscious and suppressed thoughts.? Consider the common phrase "etched in stone" which suggest permanence and unchanging attitudes. Some stones also carry sacred and magical meanings. Alternatively, stones relate to issues of moral judgment and/or guilt.

Jodi, I couldn't find anything about phrases as yours; "Mom, I'm okay or I'm okay".

For recurring dreams it is said:

The message in recurring dreams may be so important and/or powerful that it refuses to go away. The frequent repetition of such dreams forces you to pay attention and confront the dream. It is desperately trying to tell you something.  Such dreams are often nightmarish or frightening in their content, which also helps you to take notice and pay attention to them.

Recurring dreams are quite common and are often triggered by a certain life situation, transitional phase in life or a problem that keeps coming back again and again. These dreams may recur daily, once a week, or once a month. Whatever the frequency, there is little variation in the dream content itself. Such dreams may be highlighting a personal weakness, fear, or your inability to cope with something in your life - past or present. 

The repetitive patterns in your dream reveal some of the most valuable information about yourself. It may point to a conflict, situation or matter in your waking life that remains unresolved or unsettled. Some urgent underlying message in your unconscious is demanding to be understood.

And dreaming of the dead in general:

To dream of the dead warns that you could be surrounded by too many negative individuals, and that you are staying in touch with the wrong people. You could lose things because of this. This dream may also be a way to help you deal with the loss of certain people.To dream about a dead sibling, relative, or acquaintance, suggests that you are longing for them and attempting to revive the times you shared. As you move through life, dreams offer an opportunity to deal with issues involving loss and grieving.

Don't know if that will give you any answers or comfort.

{{{Hugs all around}}}

Karen, I don't know if you ever read where I quoted bible verses that had to deal with death.  I know that after a couple of months of losing my son I found some that helped me to realize our time is already ordained before we are ever born.  I truly believe that and one of the reasons, or I should say several of the reasons is that my son had three incidents that I know of where he could have likely been killed.  I use to say to him that God had His hand on him, but one day He might remove it.  Never thinking literally that He would.  I was just trying to scare him to be more careful.  Lately I have been thinking of a motorcycle accident he had.  He was driving a bike, going over 60 miles an hour and a deer came out and he hit it.  He rolled and flipped 20 to 30 feet down that road, got up with hardly a scratch.  Some scrapes, but nothing broken.  Why?  

I know it doesn't matter why or how they left us.  We miss them.  We want them back, but I know that's not going to happen and I guess I try and comfort myself with saying that nothing could have changed that day.  It was his day to leave, just as I have my day recorded too.  Oh, there are days when I don't understand why he had to leave not just me, but his little girl.  That hurts me more than my own loss because she doesn't understand what death is.  That's when I say. 'this is not fair'.

Just part of my roller coasting.  My contradicting myself.  My wavering back and forth between acceptance and denial.  Maybe I am getting closer to that crossing that 'crazy' mark.

I don't even know why I felt compelled to share that story with you, but I did.

Feeling all of your losses and it's kind of overwhelming.  Just know you all are in my thoughts and prayers.  ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Hi Ammy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I so desparately want to believe that it was my son's time to leave. I guess that's my struggle, I just can't seem to be ok with that notion. My faith was totally gone because of my anger and pain after my son passed away, now I will say it is severely weakened.......but not gone. The Almighty knows my heart, I still get angry, still not sure why it should comfort me that it was his "TIME", somehow, that doesn't relieve my sadness. Time is not healing me, so to speak. I envy so many that still have such a strong faith that gives them the strength they need.

My son too, had fallen off of his friend's motorcycle a week before he was critically injured on the same bike. He tried to hide some minor wounds on his fingers and his wrist that had bandaids on them. I warned him and begged him to NEVER ride that bike again. I even went as far as to tell him that the minor injuries was a warning from a higher power to keep his @ss off! Because of my words, sometimes I feel like I put it into the UNIVERSE and it happened and that it'sy fault. I wish I would have never said it. I know it sounds irrational. My biggest fear came to past. Thanks again and many hugs.

Hi Lisa, if someone had said to me what you mentioned was said to you, I would probably feel like how could she/he know what I'm feeling, unless they loss a child.....which they probably didn't. She should have just lefted it alone and told you that she was glad to hear that you were doing "fine".

Thanks Karen, and let me say to you that I totaly understand your guilty feelings about what you told your son prior to his accident.  Just before Roxanne died, I was so stressed out, trying to take care of her spending time at the hospital, running her to doctor and therapy appointments, helping her with her schoolwork all while trying to hold down a full time job and take care of the house and my boyfriend (whose health is also quite shakey) I got so stressed one day that I cried out to God "I NEED THIS TO BE OVER!"  And two weeks later she was gone.  Oh God!! I didn't mean this!!!!! I'm sorry I take it back!!!! But I can't take it back can I?  My counselor and the chaplin at the hospital both told me that I shouldn't carry that guilt because I don't have the power to give or take life, and I try to remember that but I regret those words more than anyone knows.

Jodi, what an interesting dream.  My sister told me of a time she had a "visit" from my son Silas in her sleep, she said she could feel him there, and he said, "I'm okay Aunt Elaine."  And she told him that she knew he was.  then he said, "tell Mom I'm okay. she needs to know."  My sister said in her dream state,"I will, Sy."  And he replied, "no, tell her. you need to promise me that you will tell her."  My sister said it was as if he knew she was in a sleep state, and wanted to make sure she didn't mistake this for a dream.  Mostly I dream of my son as a young boy, and often the dreams are distressing.  I miss him so much, it is unbearable.  I think many of us have guilt over a memory of something we said or didn't say while our children were here.  When my son was in immense pain from his cancer, I remember one night wishing he would pass in his sleep.  I just didn't want him to suffer.  My son fought for almost 5 months after that, and we had many good times and memories through it all.  I feel so guilty still for thinking that. Also when my Silas collapsed and we called his palliative care doctor (we were staying in a big hotel on Beacon Hill to be close to the hospital during those last weeks), she came in and he was unresponsive but obviously in respiratory distress.  The ambulance came to take him down the hill to the hospital, without lights, sirens or fanfare.  I asked to go with them, and I believe it was his doctor who said no, just walk down with my girls, it will be quicker.  I regret not going with Silas then; although he lived 12 more hours after he got to the hospital, and we were there in a matter of minutes, I had never left him go alone in the ambulances whenever he needed to go by ambulance.  So it somehow felt like a betrayal.  I think we spend an awful lot of time beating ourselves up, probably because as parents we couldn't keep our children safe or save them.  It sucks.  I wish I could take all of your pain away.  Because through any and all of the trials and tribulations of raising children, I do believe these children of ours know that they are very loved by us indeed... thank you all for being here, sending lots of love~

Have been thinking of you all.  It has been a hard the past few days.  Almost like starting over again.  Wish I could figure it out.  Got so bad last night that I just wanted to end it all and then I knew I was in real trouble.  Starting to think about getting some help, but then I don't really believe anything can help when these times come upon me.  Every day is hard, but some days are indescribable.  Maybe it's the holidays coming up even though I am not really thinking about them much.  Just releasing my pent up emotions.  Hope you all are holding up.  ♥ ♥ ♥

Ammy, from talking with many parents who have lost children, it is fairly common to wish we were done with this life.  It is very painful, as we all know.  Still, there is a difference between feeling like you want to be dead, and making a plan.  If it gets to this, please do go to an emergency room, or call a friend to come stay until you can get help.  I used to say that I wouldn't jump out in front of a bus, but I wouldn't move out of the way if one didn't slow down for me in the crosswalk...  Still I somehow know that for me this is not an answer, having watched my son fight so hard for life, and knowing his sisters have been through way too much.  In the beginning I couldn't think that clearly though.  Sending lots of love, please message me over holidays if you need. Anytime. Which goes for anyone here, we are in this together....

Ammy, my heart goes out to you. I been in that same place myself many times the past few months. I have a friend who lost a child many years ago and she gave me the most wonderful advice and IT HELPED, so please try this.  She told me to get one on those marker boards or a chalkboard and hang it up in a place where I would HAVE to look at it everyday. (Mine is over the coffee pot in the kitchen, so it's one of the FIRST things I see in the morning) Write on the board ALL the reasons you can think of why you HAVE to stay in this life. Write it as big as you can. Mine says: 1.) I want to be reunited with my daughter in Heaven 2.) I have a mission here now to carry her light into the world for her, 3.) My heart is broken and my suffering is real but I still have worth and value to this world, 4.) My living child still needs his mother, I'm now all he has.

Then below that write down GOALS for yourself and positive AFFIRMATIONS or SCRIPTURES whatever inspires you to pick yourself up everyday.  This has helped me so much and I hope that it might help you too.

Many hugs and prayers

-Lisa

Thank you Lorraine & Lisa.  I'm sorry Lorraine if I made you think I would do something to myself.  I would like to end my life, but I don't think I ever will.  I do think about my husband, my two daughters, and my son's little girl.  She (my granddaughter) is my biggest reason for going on.  I wouldn't want to make her suffer anymore than she already is with missing her daddy.  She is only 3, but she is very attached to me and her PopPop.  She spends 3 to 5 days a week with us.  It's hard, but she does help distract at times.  Lisa, your idea sounds good.  I will think about doing something like that.  I do start each day with positive thoughts, prayer, and reading the bible.  I'm usually okay until I start moving around doing things.  Then the mind is all over the place.  Have you ever wondered how many times during the day you thought about your child?  I do, because it seems like he is always popping into my thoughts.  I think it wears me down, but I don't really know anything anymore.  Sometimes I wish I could drink alcohol.  Maybe that would numb me for awhile, but it would still have to be faced again when the numbness wore off so I don't even try that.  I pray you may find a blessing in tomorrow.  We do still have things to be thankful for.  Hugs all around.  ♥ ♥ ♥

Ammy, no need to apologize.  The first support group I joined through hospice for moms who have lost adult children made me realize that our loss is so immense that it would not have surprised me in the least to walk in one week and find that one of us could not bear the pain.  And I have been in an online group where several people have actually carried through with taking their lives.  I don't have any judgement, just want to make sure we take care of ourselves as best as we can.  I am still trying to figure out what that means as my health has suffered and my strength is challenged with losing my Sy guy.  I like what you have to say, Lisa, about having something visual to look to.  I hope that everyone here feels that they can speak to what is in their hearts and on their minds without worrying about being judged or misunderstood.  I am grateful for friends here... 

Hi Everyone..... Happy Thanksgiving!  I have been reading all of your comments and have been where Ammy and others have been in my thoughts.... I had said earlier that it has been May 2009 and I still have a huge amount of Pills left from my son.... seizure meds... Mellaril, Elavil...  so many pills I could have one hell of a final party! but I have not done it because I have 2 other kids and family.... even though at times I think that they Really don't need me anymore.... and like Adrianne, I guess my faith has left me to wonder if there Really is a Place on the Other Side.... I guess I am doubtful.... and IF there is why has God forsaken us to suffer so much as to take my 14 year old?

The holidays are so hard... I find my mind thinking and I almost fall apart at anytime or place... yet I find myself looking "OK" because I really feel so alone in this... My marriage continues to be in trouble and I just don't know who I can trust with this pain... my friends and family try to change the subject in hopes to get my mind off my Niles....   (When Lorraine called he son Sy Guy.... it made me think of me calling my son  NY GUY!) 

Today is Thanksgiving.... My "NY GUY" would be waiting with fork in hand to eat all the Stuffin and Brown and Serve Rolls..... since he has been gone those have been "Left Overs"  And  I still think of him if I make Turkey Tortellini Soup... where he would eat most of the tortellini...

The turkey and potatoes and all the trimmings are in the making for about 16 guests..... while we will all be missing him...many will want to get me thinking about something else... change the subject.... and I will be pretending the whole day that I'm OK.    May We all make it through the day... and be Thankful to know that Our Heart has Held So Much LOVE in our Heart for our Kids that it Still overflows!   More Love than we ever knew we had..... 

Grace, your comments about your Son are so familiar, especially on Thanksgiving Day and his love of food. Our dear son Jason could not wait to get started eating.  First in line always then back shortly for a few more bites.  This is our second TG without him. Last year I did not cook but went to our other son's for the traditional meal.

Have been cooking now for two days getting ready, find cooking is such good therapy.  Our immediate family is small, my husband,our son Jeff and his wife and Jeff's two daughters and one grandson-in law.  Jason has two younger sons that we seldom see but will call them today and see if I can bring them to our house.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and have a Blessed Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving all.  Hard for me to find anything to be thankful for today. Not only is this my first major holiday without my punkin it also marks the six months date of her passing. My son couldn't come home for the holiday because he wants to be here for Christmas. So sad that circumstances made him have to choose, but I understand. My idiot boyfriend, as is his usual tactic, has already found a reason to pick a fight with me and left me here alone.  So, here I sit. I just want this day to hurry and be over. Hugs and prayers to everyone.

I wish you all hugs and prayers this Thanksgiving! It sucks that we have to be here but I am thankful for each of you as you have helped me many times in my grief. God bless you all!

The Dishwasher hums that I made it through Thanksgiving Dinner... the house is empty and It is over.... It has been a rough day... but it is over now..... I may look ok to my family.... But I still am NOT OK...... How will it ever be OK again?   But we have all endured and we must continue to breathe air in and out and go on without.... without so much that unless you are here like all of us are.... You can not imagine how much "WITHOUT" we live through.....   Hugs today and tomorrow is on the horizon.

Well I made it through my first Thanksgiving without Zach. Yesterday and I a total meltdown and the day before my husband did. I think that actually helped me get through today a little better. Had to run to the store to get sparkling cider today, on the way home I cried remembering how Zach would always want a whole bottle for himself. Had all of our family over for dinner and a couple of Zach's friends, which helped a little I think. After everyone went home, my husband and two of my daughters and I played some games. All of a sudden, I started crying and just felt such an incredible loss, that Zach should have been there with us. I like to think that maybe I felt his presence right then, and that is why it hit me so suddenly. I agree with Grace, I am not the same person anymore. I appear okay  to everyone on the outside, but my life will never be the same again. Some days I don't know how I can continue to live without, but I know that I must for the rest of my family. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am thankful for all of you. Hugs and prayers to you all. Thank you for being here.

I have been reading the recent comments and would like to write something enlightening, but I can't think of anything.  Just want you all to know I'm thinking of you and I hope you are all sleeping.  I've tried but I can't get to sleep.  My eyes hurt from the tiredness and yet my mind won't stop thinking.  Had an exhausting day with our daughters, grandkids, and other family.  I didn't even sit down at the table with everyone as they ate.  I just kept busy.  Finally fixed myself a plate around 10 p.m. and thought for sure I was going to sleep early tonight.  Ha, another joke on me.  So many of you commented today.  I'm sorry you are all feeling this pain, this loneliness of missing your child.  We have another month to get past this year and hopefully to some relief.  Would like to sleep until then so I can avoid all the holiday cheerfulness of everyone, but I know that is just wishful thinking.  Just know that I hurt for you too because I know how bad you are hurting.  We all know the pain each of us is feeling, the emotions, and there is nothing we can really do for each other except be here and share.  It does help and I am thankful for all of you.  Love & blessings!   ♥ ♥ ♥

Just saying hello and sending my love and hugs to all.

I feel so bad that we are all hurting so much. I know how very blessed I am to have my husband, three daughters, and two granddaughters but know that the absence of my son Zach will always be felt. Adrianne, I know what you mean trying to pretend to everyone that we are okay to the outside world. I try so hard to live one day at a time, or one moment at a time but I am a preschool teacher and have to prepare and plan for all the holiday festivities. I explained to my Director how difficult it is for me, I know I have to do it, it is part of my job but it is making it difficult for me to take everything one day at a time. My coworkers are so impressed by how well I am doing. I explained to them that I am playing two different people. I try to put on the face of the happy teacher for my children at the preschool, then at night I can let that mask down and grieve for my son. I worry how long I am going to be able to  put that mask on. I have heard the saying "fake it to you make it" and I guess that is what I am doing. Don't know if that really applies to losing your son or daughter though. How do you fake getting through that. I just keep asking everyone for prayers to help my family continue to get through one more day. I pray that all of you will get through "one day at a time" and can find some joy and comfort of your friends and family who are still there for you. Prayers and hugs to each and every one of you.

Go hear every day to read how other parents are dealing with the loss of a son or daughter.  We all share the same thoughts.

Now I have a question that perhaps only a few here can help me with.  Have any of you lost a child due to a tragic suicide?  Been 13 months, 11 days and 6 hours since our Jason took his life.

This is getting tougher.  Why?

Adrianne, my husband said that the other day too. I think for me, every day that I don't see my son, Zach, it is becoming more real. I keep thinking if I just stay busy it won't hurt so much, which does help but as soon as I am not, the pain is right there. I know the month of December is going to be so tough, not only because of the holidays but because Zach's birthday is in December. Trying to take it one day at a time, but sometimes you can't  you have to plan for different things and then I have to face that he won't be there. Thinking and praying for all of us missing our children today, and every day.

The holidays are horrible.  My son's birthday is in February.  I dread every moment of the day.  It's pure torture.  The nights are the most difficult most of the times.  Another day of not hearing from my son.  Do you ever feel like they are just "lost"?

Been having moments lately where the truth of what's happened hits me like a sledgehammer. It literally takes my breath away.

Adrianne   it has been 2 1/2 years and I have may dreams where I am always looking for Niles... and making deals to get him back.... only to wake up and discover that he is not coming back....  But I did make it through turkey days and somedays I just try to act like it is not the holidays.... which is very hard since I will be singing Christmas songs starting tomorrow...   I guess I kind of put myself in a trance to get through it all....But needless to say.... the holidays or even when we least expect it.... we have some low days.... I don't know if it ever changes....

I just don't feel like a father any longer without my son. I just don't feel like there is any future for me now. I have been cheated by life. 

I have not been on since before Thanksgiving; somehow the holidays are days to just get through.  This is not easy with the music and festive atmosphere.  Adrianne, I don't know how you do it with a shop you need to be "on" for others this time of year, the same for you Robin, with teaching little ones this time of year. Life is so changed and no one can fix it.  Grace, I love "NY guy."  I feel sad that the world did not get to see what a difference Sy would have made by his presence here; I am sure that many parents feel the same about their child.  And I just miss him so much... Sending love to all