Dear Janice, that is some BS!......let her go?!!!!! Your holding on?!!!!!......are they kidding me? That's your child, that is so insensitive, that person must not have had to bury their child. She is your daughter and she always will be, period. You do NOT need anyone's approval or permission for your thoughts or feelings.

Many hugs to you

adrianne, thank you so much for your sharing that with me. your pastor sounds like a good man, a sincere man.  it helps tremendously to know that within the world of parents who have lost a child, i am "NORMAL"! thank you

Good day to everyone! I pray that you are all doing OK (at least as well as can be expected). This time of year is hard for me. November 20, Claude would have turned 25. Plus there is Veteran's Day to deal with. Then the anniversary of him leaving this world on December 16 and Christmas. I have a hard time this time of year and am so glad I can voice that here. My family has no clue what I am going through! They mean well with their words but......

Thanks for listening guys. I have to go for now before I really loose it.

Karen, I'm sorry for you too that you are feeling this way, but it does help me to know it's not just me doing and feeling these things.  Earlier this week I read a Psalm and I copied part of it and was going to post it on here because it somehow gave me comfort to know that this is not anything new.  I guess people have felt this way almost forever.  This is what it said:

I am bowed down and brought very low; all day I go about mourning.  I am exhausted and crushed;  I groan in anguish of heart.  All my longing lies before you, O Lord, my sighing (groaning) is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me, even the light of my eyes is gone from me.  My loved ones and friends stay away, even my own family stands at a distance.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  It's exactly how I feel.  <3

Karen, 

This is exactly how I feel.  I would do anything to have my son back.  But it is not to be and the idea of this amount of suffering is more than I can tolerate.  It will get easier or it will get better isn't a choice.  Without my son I am broken.  Forever.

Hey Janice and everyone, I know what you mean about getting upset about people's insensitive remarks and comments but for me, at least for now, I will keep letting them know when they say something that upsets me because maybe if enough of us do this, more people, who fortunately for them, don't know, will spread the word....so to speak, some people do need to be educated. I do try to be a little nicer with my responses now than I use to, I still always respond with "I could be better" to the dreaded "how are you?". I do realize that most people have good intentions and may feel awkard around "us".....parents that are experiencing the loss of their child. Sometimes, people, simply just don't know what to say and that is understandable, that's why I feel like they need to be told or told to say nothing at all. Sometimes I tell people to just give me a hug. I feel like the "OTHERS"....meaning those who have NOT had to bury their child, have to learn not to take our reactions, outbursts and/or harsh or shocking words personal, it is not directed towards them. We are on a emotional rollercoaster. We may have some days when we don't want to talk at all. We just deal with what a particular day brings us.

Hugs to all.

yeh, we LITERALLY deal with what a particular day brings us. but i dont feel anyone understands that, even if i DO try to explain. i find the teachers of my other kids very critical and intolerant, even WITH explanation. and even with explanation, most people i deal with, i find, are just quite irritated with the "sorry i didnt make it for tea", or "im REALLY sorry i missed my appt", etc.

I came up with a new answer to the  HOW ARE YOU?  -----

 <     that is a hell you really do not want to hear about.      >

.... whats your thoughts ???

Hi Karen and Janice.... It has been 2  1/2 years and I guess I have the attitude that I am al least happy that people ask.... I guess it is the way they let me know that they are still thinking about me having lost my son.  Yes.. they are uncomfortable .... it is something that even we do not want to live with... such RAW pain that only we have truely felt that even in the Best of attempts for them to even TRY to Imagine they can't because it is so painful to even try to imagine your child dead.  They don't want to inflict even more pain I am sure... and they want to comfort us but really even we don't know how to find comfort for ourselves.  I know now that when I need to talk to someone at a funeral I just hug them and say " I wish I could say something to help with your pain... but there is nothing I could possibly say to make this feel better for you.... just that I am here."

There is nothing any one of these folks can do to help us... not even my husband... just be here to hold me and cry with me.... but the empty hole in my heart can not be filled by anything....  Even my best friend wants to get my mind off my pain but I understand that it is also painful for others to see our pain because they can not console us... and they feel just as helpless as we do.

and some folks (I know the school folks) do try to avoid the issue because they do not know how to respond.... maybe they need to distance themselves emotionally to keep it together to continue to do a job.

HOW AM I DOING?  Hummmm?  Well I say it has been a very difficult time for me..... and I say that if you were in my mind maybe I should be in a little padded room somedays.... and I explain that I truely inderstand that they REALLY Can Not Imagine because I do not even want this as a REALITY.  The Human Mind does not want to let this raw pain into anyones imagination.  So I agree with Karen... we need to maybe educate those folks that I believe truely want to "HELP" us but really how can they?  We are not able to be consoled because we can not even atriculate this Pain to even our own selves.....   Grace

Hi Grace and everyone. I guess what upsets me more, is when, someone......that actually knows what happened asks me how I'm doing and I respond with the "I could be better" and they say, "but why are you upset" or "Wow, you are still NOT ok?"!!

I totally get how our friends and loved ones don't like to see us in such pain because they care about our well being but it is still hurtful to me when they just want me to "STOP" like it's something I can just turn off with a switch. A lot of them don't get it, they don't get that it will NEVER be "OK", my heart will forever be broken. I don't believe that I will ever be able to accept this and I still don't why anyone would expect me to, why do I have to ?!!!  If there is something that can be said to give me comfort......I haven't heard it yet.

Thanks for listening

I think one thing that I hear said as a retorical comment that really ticks me off.... When I say that I feel alone in my grief and I talk to my husband and family that I need support... maybe more hugs....maybe for people to not EXPECT me to be "Strong".... I hear this from my family but also from a Marriage Counselor.....  "Everyone Grieves differently."  I get so MAD!   Here I am telling people that I am Hurting and that I need some love or support and when I hear them say that it makes me feel like Everything I just spilled my guts about was for nothing... It is like hearing...."Oh... You are hurting and you need some support... well too bad girl you are not the only person hurting... buck up and get over it... everyone grieves differently.... why expect them to support you- you big baby".

When I am in the deep pit of dispair... at that moment I need support..... I can not see through my pain to think how strong I should be for others...I feel like I am Drowning and I NEED someone to help me....   When People try to get me to feel better about my husband being disconnected from me by saying that... It really does NOT solve the problem that I feel he has left me to suffer without his comforting hug.   It is as if they retorically say'People Grieve Differently" and that fixes all of my pain... did they Not Hear that I feel Alone, Abandoned, and Empty, and maybe need to feel a Hug or Support from my husband... I know he can not bring our son back ...but I NEED SUPPORT... and I need people to stop Expecting that I should be Strong enough to carry this alone.

Everyone may Grieve Differently.... BUT THIS IS MY GRIEF!  And I am crying out for you to hear MY PAIN.     Thanks for letting me vent..

i also hear that a lot: "everyone grieves differently". u know what? i think what they really r trying to say, is that you are NOT alone in your grief, the others are ALSO grieving, and even if we think we are alone in our terrible pain, we actually are not. u know what i mean?

however, i fully hear you - and even STILL - it doesnt change that we each have our own needs to help comfort the way WE are grieving. and if what WE need is just to be held, then there's no reason why we cant be held.

Hey Grace and everyone, I still have my moments when I just want to scream and tell everyone and anyone that I was robbed of my son's life! I still get pissed that this world is "going on" without my son! I think to myself ....."how dare they". I previously posted a comment about the day 2 perfect strangers, mothers of course, stopped to console me when they drove by and saw me losing it in front of my son's memorial site where I have his picture and flowers up on a tree. That meant the world to me. They hugged me and cried with me and told me about their children, which whom are all still alive. They offfered to stay with me on the street for as long as I needed. I was fortunate enough to have an act of kindness again recently, at the same site, but this time it wasn't a stranger, it was a young man that was friends with my son, he drove pass me and made a u-turn and came back to console me. He is the same age as my son. When he stood there and held me in his arms....so loving, so caring, I closed my eyes and imagined that he was my son trying to comfort me. He never said a word, he just let me sob and listened to whatever I had to say. It's so important to have your pain acknowledged. It's so true....why do we have to be "strong"! Why is that? I am not strong with all of this, I was severely weakened and now I am just totally broken. The only thing I want is to have my son back!!!!!   Thanks to all

sending big long hugs.

Hello All and a greeting to our newest friend, Pamela.  Thinking of you all this week, but keeping myself quiet.  I'm afraid I will bring up the roaring storm if I say much, and right now the sea is kind of calm.  A new and welcome feeling.  Trying to hold on to it for as long as I can because I know it won't last.  Had some of these days before and when they end it's like it just happened all over again.

I met a lady on another site and she lost her little boy of 5 back in 1992 and after many years she is writing and singing.  She posted the lyrics to her latest song and I wanted to share them with you all.  At the end is a line she wrote about a line in her song.  

With my lyric line “One day, your pain will go away,” I realize I have no certainty about that. It is only a profound wish, but I believe having hope that the pain will someday go away when someone is suffering, is definitely a start toward feeling better.

I pray that this may have given some comfort to at least one of you.  

As always....in my prayers.

Hi Ammy, thanks so much for sharing, thanks for everyone's friendship, love and support.

hello dear friends. I have been reading your posts all week but have not joined in. My pain this week has been all but unbearable. I am so, so, very tired. How are we supposed to go on through life like this? I am not yet 6 months down the path and I read and see that some of you are years down the road and still enduring this same gut-wrenching pain, so how is there hope for me? I don't want to continue like this but I must. But how can I?  Love and hugs to you all

Janice thanks so much. You have such an eloquent way with words.

@Pamela - I have actually been on this site for quite awhile now.  I just meant that I had been silent for the past weeks, merely following the conversations because I was in too much pain to really express myself rationally.  You and I seem to be about in the same place. My daughter passed on May 24, 2011. So it would be nice to have someone to talk with that is in the same place as me.  I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son.  We were lucky that we survived the tornadoes that swept through and ravaged most of Alabama that horrible day. I am truly sorry that your family was not as fortunate. I work for The Salvation Army and witnessed first hand both the physical and emotional devastation of that day. 

The past week for me has been a huge struggle.  I never thought that Halloween would effect me the way that did. Maybe it's just something that has been building up for awhile. I've tried so hard to put on a happy face and be positive so that others around me are not made uncomfortable. But now the facade is crumbling, I'm too weary to carry it anymore.

ive stopped talking to a lot of people, even those close to me, about my pain, and about jessy. cos, like you told of the tv quote, pamela, i also so often see things that totally take my breath away. and like we all have been talking about how "others" feel, i feel often that when i voice my emotion at something, i get the response, or "non-response" that kind of says, without words, "u always have to relate everything back to you and jessy".  and i feel sick that i even shared my thoughts with them. truth is, OF COURSE i relate so much to me and jessy. she was my LIFE!!  and she always will be. she is with me ALL the time.

i think its time for me to put up a blog about jessy. in that way, thats a place for me to talk "freely" of jessy, and anyone who wants to come there, those will be the people who i dont have to be "weary" of !

Hello everyone, just curious about something. I have never  been a huge celebrator of Halloween. When I was a little child, my parents took us trick or treating and we attended a few parties. However, when I became a parent, I made the choice not to have my children participate for various reasons. I say all of this to say, I don't knock anyone else who does because it's a big thing for a lot of people and I guess it's what you make it but now, and I guess it's innocent fun.  For me, since my son passed away, I dread Halloween even more. When I was in the stores prior to the "holiday", I could hardly look at anything that represented death...like the skeleton bones; coffins; "tomb stones"-grave markers.....for a few examples. I know that I am being crazy and totally irrational but seeing those items only made my broken heart ache even more. Prior to the loss of my son, I thought of these things as being just gross and gory and now, I see them as being cold and insensitive. They remind me of images that I try to block out of my mind. I know that it is totally unrealistic for me to think that "Halloween" will ever come to and end, just as it is that I get so angry that this world is going on WITHOUT my son.

Just sharing some of my crazy thoughts, has anyone else had any similar thoughts?

Seems that a lot of us are having a difficult time right now.  I think it is the upcoming holidays.  My son, Hunter(16) died the day after Christmas.  I hate this time of year. Today has been really rough.  Feeling alone and lost without my baby.  Everything has reminded me of him today.  Commercials, a funny movie, people at the grocery store.  Everywhere I look today, there is something there that reminds me of Hunter.  The random thoughts going through my head tonight is driving me nuts.  Hopeing for a better day tomorrow.  God bless.

sending love and hugs to friends here~

Yes Lorie, its been a hard couple of weeks for me too.  Some days worse than others, but always the longing, the missing.  Heck, its really been a hard 16 months.  I can't believe that much time has almost gone by.  Monday is the 16 months date.  Sometimes it still feels like it just happened.  I'm dreading the holidays.  Christmas more than Thanksgiving though.  Haven't figured that one out yet.  I hope all the rest of you are hanging in there and finding ways to get some relief.  Think of you all every day.  Lorie, I hope it eases up for you.  I know what you mean by everything reminding you.  I have those days too...something on TV, food, a store I would go with him to, every time I pass his bedroom door, and especially his little girl and seeing how she is still hurting too.  Still thinking that Daddy is going to be coming back.  One thing I have come to realize is that we are definitely not alone.  I have become so sensitive to anything I see on the news about a child, teenager or young adult leaving this world.  I just grieve for that family as I now know what they are going through.  Does it ever end?  All we can do is try to stay strong and finish our walk here.  I believe someday I will be with all my family together again.  I have to or I really couldn't make it through these days.  Sending loving hugs to each of you. 

Hi Ammy... I know what you mean. It will be 2 years for me on Dec 26. Hunter should be 18 now.  (19 in March). He should be in college or have a job. He should be here.  He was taken so early.  I thought we were over the hurdle of this drug abuse!  Sometimes I feel so bitter toward people that partied with him.  They are still here, Some have babies of their own now.  What do I have?  What does Hunter have???  Why did it have to be this way?  I know that tonight is just one of those nights where everything feels like it is closing in on me and you would think after almost 2 years, I would figure out a way to cope...but I just feel so empty.  One of those nights where nothing helps.  I just want to talk to Hunter, fight with him, hug him...anything. Just to let him know that I love him so much!!! That there was no way on this earth could I ever condone letting him use drugs.  I was a "tough-love" kind of mom.  But it wasnt because I didn't love him...it was because I didn't want him to hurt.  God, I miss him so much!  I think sometimes that if I would have stayed married to his piece of sh*t dad, Hunter would still be alive today.  I could have been there to protect him.  It's just one of those nights where I feel completly alone and lost in my own self-pity I guess. 

Lorie, I am probably older than you and most of the moms on here and one thing I have learned in life is that we can't always control things.  Sometimes I can't even control myself.  You just have to hope for the best and then endure the worst.  You can't blame yourself for anything.  It was not in your control.  I can't imagine how you will ever be able to handle Christmas with a joyful heart again. I am so sorry.  And it's okay to have some self pity.  This is not normal.  I had a moment this morning when all I wanted was to be able to hug Charles again.  I close my eyes and do it.  It helps a little.  Hope this day will bring less loneliness and hurting.  We all understand where you are.  Sending love & hugs to all.

No words to express the sadness.  I am thinking of all of you.  Grief is more than we ever understood the word to be before we lost our loved ones.  It should be categorized as a physical and mental illness.  Wondering if anyone has found therapy to be helpful?

Adrianne:  I am going to a group councelor with my husband and yes he has helped alot, there are times I disagree with him like he doesn't think I should go to the cemetary and decorate for his 1 year angel anniversary this saturday he says that just keeps me in the past and I have to get to a new normal without my son, well im still going to do it but he has helped me stop thinking about ending my life and going to be with my son, just make sure you find a good one im trying to find a group that understands but haven't yet but i will keep trying.  Good look and hugs

Adrianne, I have found my griel counselor to be a tremendous help! He validates my feelings while at the seem time giving me "tasks" to accomplish my goal of living in the "new normal".  I like his proactive approach because having a "task" gives me something to focus my energy on so that I don't feel so "all over the place".

Terri: I find it odd that your counselor would not encourage you to go to the cemetary because the therapist that I see, greatly encourages it.  He says that it helps us to move our loved ones, in our mind, from the old reality into the new. Which is the first task of grieving.

Lots of Hugs today - Lisa

Lisa, I understand the tasks completely. I have just finished working on the organ donor tribute, my daughter's headstone and a quilt made from her clothes. If I don't find another task soon I will lose whats left of my mind

Hey Terri and everyone. I just wanted to say, that for me, I went to a session for group counseling and I did not feel entised to go back. I didn't feel like I could be open as I truly wanted to be. Because of the circumstances of my son's accident/murder and the ongoing investigation of my son's case, I did not feel comfortable to say my true feelings......you never know who knows who. Then it was suggested to me about one on one counseling and for some of the same reasons I opted out of that. I also feel that my anger would only intensify if a therapist told me to move out of the past and go forward with the "new".....the new normal. I think I would have flipped out if someone "suggested" that I shouldn't go to the cemetary.......this has become a part of my new "normal", going to my son's final resting place and maintaining his memorial display at the "accident" site. I feel like that's the least I can do. He was robbed of the chance to grow into a prosperous adult, where he could have maybe had his own place and I could drop by to annoy him and clean up for him.........my son was no neat freak! At least I can keep his resting place tidy and clean. I know I sound crazy but that's because I am. Maybe there will come a time when I feel like I can't go there but for now that's something I need. I am on an emotional roller coaster. I just can't fathom a "therapist" telling me to "snap" out or it....so to speak. I'm sure that there are many professionals out there that would never tell me that but I am much more comfortable on a site such as this one. It helps tremendously for me to have my feelings validated by people who truly understand. I basically don't need or want anyone to tell me how to grieve or mourn for the loss of my son. My family is truly concerned about my well being but I have shut most of them out, I don't like to share my true emotions with them because they all just want me to stop and let go, that only makes me feel angry and alone. If they look at me and see that I am not outwardly crying or sobbing, they equate that to me being "OK", what they don't realize is that I am still not "OK" and my tears are always flowing on the inside.     Thanks to everyone for listening sharing.