Joan, I hear ya! I'm sick to death of people telling me how strong I am, and how much they admire me for it.  Bullshit!! I'm not strong, I'm broken beyond repair! I've just learned how to put on a good act so that I don't make THEM uncomfortable with my grief and pain!

I hate to hear of your injustice as well. This world has just gotten too messed up! The criminals have ALL the rights and the victims have none! SHEESH.  I was told by my lawyers that I may not have a case against ANY of Raxanne's doctors because nobody can prove exactly WHAT was wrong with her! The way I see it, that was the very reason WHY they are at fault because they gave up trying to figure it out and said that she must be faking things or that it was all in her head.  Don't know about you but I've never once heard of a psychosomatic illness KILLING somebody!

Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a rant.  Thinking of you and praying for you Joan.  I know this must be an especially hard day.  {{Hugs}}

Dear Joan and everyone, go ahead and scream if you want to!!!!!!!!  None of us signed up for this crap! The people/agency responsible for robbing me and my son of his life, have not been brought to justice yet either. My son's voice has been silenced but mine's has not! 

Still depending on my mood and who the person is, when asked that question...."how are you?".......I answer by saying things could be a lot better or I'm hurting, I'm broken, I'm fu@ked up!!!(excuse the language), sometimes I say, " how do you think I feel, can you get me my son back?"!!!!! I have never really cared much about making others feel uncomfortable because it is truly not intended that way and it bothers me that some people take it personal. I am not going to lie about how I feel, before my son passed away, I probably would have but not now, no way. Some of us grieve and mourn the same way and many of us grieve different. No one can pass judgement, especially someone that has not walked in our shoes.

Hugs to everyone.

Karen, thanks for sharing that writing.  Reading it and seeing how true it all is was hard, but I have to face that reality even though I do everything I can to avoid it.  Always trying to make my thoughts go to something else is so tiring, but even after a year I seem to constantly be thinking of my son.  As soon as my eyes open in the morning and when I'm trying to get to sleep at night, he is with me.  Sometimes I feel like I am being so selfish because I pray and cry out to forget, but then I'm afraid I will forget.  I already struggle with trying to remember what his voice sounded like.  I want to hear him talk to me again and then the guilt comes again because I remember so many times when he would be talking to me and I wanted him to stop.  Those were the times when he was talking what I call 'nonsense'.  Oh what I would give to hear 'nonsense' again.  Wednesdays are particularly hard for me still.  I always seem to notice the time around 9:30 a.m. when the police came to the house.  I didn't need to be told, I knew he was gone.  I thank you all for your posts.  They help me keep going many days.  I'm sorry I don't connect often, but I want to lift up and I have nothing to give you to help lift you up, so I usually remain quiet.  Be blessed.

I have been reading this little verse this week.  It does seem to help me.

A Fallen Limb
A limb has fallen from the family tree
I keep hearing a voice that says,"Grieve Not for Me." 
Remember the best times,the laughter, the songs,
the good life I lived while I was strong.
My mind is at ease, I am at rest.

Greetings Ammy, I know all about stuggling to put your thoughts on something else. Trust me, don't worry, you will never forget your baby, your child. My heart just ached when I read that poem from the mother that lost her baby girl. It ached so much because I could feel every word. I too, think about the petty things that I often rode my son about, they seem so trivial now. I  still send him texts on his cell phone, I use to call it often, hoping he would answer but now I hardly call it because I don't like to hear the out-of-service message.  I also think about the day that I found out that my son was in ICU in the hospital, he had been missing and was there for 30hrs! I knew that something horrible had to have happened, my other children and my parents tried to hide it from me. They all knew where he was about 2 hrs before I did. He was admitted as a "john doe" because they couldn't find his ID. I remember how furious I was to see that fictitious name band he had on, I asked them to change it immediately. All I could think of was that he has a life, he's my son, he's a grandson, a brother, nephew, cousin and a friend to many, he's not a "john doe". This is all just so sad. I like that little verse you posted, I will try to think of it and actually believe it.

Thanks for your support.

Dear Lisa, I am so sorry ! I know how hard that had to be. It's a cruel reminder how the world goes on without our children when it feels like our world has ended. I am sorry that your baby was taken away way too soon. I took for granted that all of my children would always be here. I always thought that "other" people lost their children, never me! None of us are exempt. 

I feel everyone's pain, in a perfect world, this pain would be non-existent, hugs to everyone.

Good Morning Ladies!  I need some advice today.  My daughter was in an on-line support group, much like this one, for young people dealing with gastroparesis.  She had never met any of these people personally and had known them on-line for a very short time.

About six weeks ago, I had gathering at my home and I invited all of Roxanne's friends to come over.  I allowed them to each go into her room and pick out an item that was special to them (I had already put things away that I did not want to get rid of) I had them all write in a journal what item they chose anad why it was special to them.

Now for the problem, there is a lady (not a teenager but a grown up lady with 3 kids!) from the gastroparesis group that keeps sending me emails bugging me to send her something to Roxanne's to remember her by.  This woman did not even know my daughter other than their on-line chats.  Her persistence in this is beginning to really creep me out.  What should I do?

Lisa,

I was going to say send her a copy of a picture until I read the part about the lab reports. Now I agree with Ann , I think you should block her.

Sandy

Hello Jodi, Ammy and everyone. It's like what the both of you posted, I posted it. It's sad that we are all connected in this grief from the loss of our children but at least we do have support here from others that truly understand. I am still struggling with the thought or expectations of others, that I will be "ok" with all of this one day. "OK".....how can I ever be "OK"?!  What's "OK" about burying your child? I know that somewhere, way down deep, I should be grateful for each sunrise but instead, it's just become a cruel reminder that my son passed away. It still makes me feel angry. As much as my thoughts of the joy of my pregnancy with my son, and different moments throughout his life, like his favorite bike when he was 6 yrs old that he almost passed out when he saw it for the first time, he was beyond excited, Iike his Big Bird birthday cake when he was 2 yrs old and so many more........is as fast as my thoughts become angry and sad and I end up feeling broken. My son is not a "MEMORY" to me......he's my son. I was supposed to share those memories with him and his future children, I was supposed to make a speech one day at his wedding. I never imagined that my son would be robbed of his life at 21yrs old. 

This experience is definitely showing me how fragile life really is and how petty most things are that people complain about.....I use to complain about things that are now so insignificant. My joy that I thought I once had in my life is gone. I took for granted that my children would always be here with me until I left them, not the other way around.

It's like I am feeling the same thing that people don't want to listen to me "complain" or be around my sadness all the time but those same ones, all have there children.

Thanks for listening, I cry with you guys.

Dear Ammy and Karen,

Thank you for replying to me and I am sorry for both of your losses.I truely am.I wouldnt wish this hell on anyone. Ammy, My son passed away sometime in the early hours of July 13.. sometime after midnight.. I really dont know when becuase I never got the autopsy report.. I still dont know why he died either. I know what you mean by hearing the door open and expecting to see him, I do the same thing.. he had certain times that he would come home and still even after a year, I still look towards the door at those times even though I know he isnt comming and feel worse that I let myself do it. I still buy 2 candybars out of habit and cry when I see them in the bag and realize what I have done without thinking. Buying things for my son was a habit that I enjoyed and it is hard for me to stop. I know some people would think that is crazy.

Karen, My son was 2 months shy of being 20 years old. He had finally decided 6 months before to get himself together and enrolled himself in school to become a diesel mechanic. In the weeks just before his death I saw him changing in amazing ways he was more polite, cleaning up his own messes, finding his own ride home from school, doing his own laundry and applying for jobs daily. he would call or text me a couple times a day to check on me. he was becomming a better son and a better human being, so reading what you wrote got to me. I wanted to see how he was going to "turn out".And it makes me all the more sad that he was finally getting it and trying to grow up and get somewhere in his life... he was really trying hard and that makes me really upset and I do feel jipped on some level and feel angry. I was looking forward to see what kind of an adult he was going to turn out to be. I was looking forward to giving him away at his wedding because his dad, my ex-husband died in '07 and wasnt in his life much. I had been both mother and father to him since he was 3. I was looking forward to him having his own children so I could say " I told you it wasnt easy." I know he would have been a good father, he loved children and I am having a hard time with the fact that not only his dreams are gone but also the dreams I had for him are gone... I am having a hard time finding new dreams because honestly, he was my joy.. its hard, we were very close and had always planned on always living together,if not living together in the same house, living very close together..that was his idea so it is even more crushing that he is gone. I dont know that I am in a place to give much advice but I will say that it has made me feel alot better going to classes and suggest anyone who is grieving in involved in something that will get them out of their house and mentally away from their grief for even a little while.

Karen,

I do suggest that anyone who is grieving get involved with some kind of class,club or association so that is awesome that you are going to get involved at a school. I tell myself when I am at school or work that I cannot think of my son. Of course there are alot of times thoughts of him or what happened still sneek in but I tell myself to stop and that I will think about it when I get home. I dont do this because I dont love my son or dont want to think about him, honestly that is all I want to do but I cant fail out of school and I cant get fired for having a nervous breakdown either so i dont have much other choice. At first when i went back to work and school I didnt want to be there, I just wanted to be home crying and when someone would smile at me I would find it hard to smile back and I actually felt like I wanted to flip them off or something but then they didnt know what had happened and they didnt know my life had turned to hell so I started smiling back, at first it felt fake because I didnt feel like smiling at anyone for any reason but then I thought about it and realized that they were just trying to be nice and I really needed somone to be nice to me at that time ( still do). And now I return their smiles and I feel it more often than not just for a second...any happiness is welcome even if it only lasts a second. My sadness is so deep I welcome any break form it even though it comes right back. 

Hello Melissa, Lorraine and everyone. That's an understatement that the lost of child is too much to bare! I can NOT "handle" this one minute. I almost got into a car accident today because I thought I saw my son talking to another person on the sidewalk. I wanted him to be my son, he looked just like him. Accepting that it was not him only made me angry. I am finding that more and more, to get through the days, I convince myself that nothing ever happened to my son, I tell myself that my mind is playing tricks on me or I am having a nightmare.  I still feel like  the best place for my son is here, with me and his family. 

I wish I could give each and everyone of you a hug but most of all. I wish I could somehow give you your child back......safe and sound.

Greetings Ammy and all, that's nice that you had a dream about your son. I haven't had one about my son for quite awhile now. I long for one so much because I'll take seeing him anyway I can. I too have had to fight the overwhelming urge to hug young men/boys that remind me of my son. When I see these young guys riding on motorcycles, my pain only intensifies, I imagine my son on that dreadful night when he was riding his friend's motorcycle. I want to scream at all of them not to ride. It's so hard because that same friend of my son's, still rides a motorcycle like a maniac. It's like he tortures me with it, he's our next door neighbor. He has 2 motorcycles and a 4wheeler. He was one of my son's best friends, they were friends since they were 5 yrs old. He hardly looks at me when he sees me outside, sometimes he speaks, sometimes he doesn't. Deepdown I know that it wasn't his fault but I thought that after he saw what happened to my son, he would stop riding but instead he rides more.

Thanks for the continues support from everyone

As I'm looking at all the pictures here of children lost, I tend to become lost in thought about each one.  I stare in disbelief (almost) and wonder how can this be.  Is this the way it has always been?  We lived our lives normally, never knowing or really believing how fast it could be changed.  Never knowing (regarding) that there were families suffering these kind of losses.  That is why I am trying so hard not to judge others when they seem so unattached to our situation.  They simply haven't a clue, and I was one of them at one time.  WOW!!  That bothers me.  

Hugs, blessings, and comfort to all.

What an awful day. =(   This morning I CHOSE to get up out of bed and get dressed. I CHOSE to eat breakfast even though I wasn't hungry because it's not good for me to go without food. I CHOSE to come to work, even though all I wanted to do was stay in bed where it's warm and quiet and safe. It's only noon and I'm already exhausted even though I have done next to nothing today.  Until you're here, you never understand how truly exhausting it can be to just get through the day.

Hi Lisa... H ave had days like this... having one today... woke up with another strange dream about my son.... (Had one last Friday and felt EXACTLY like you are talking about in your post) FORCED myself to go to work... CRAMMED all of my Emotions away so I would not fall apart on the "Outside" and just felt like getting through the day was an endurance run.   I understand this exhaustion you feel.... I find myself hiding in the shower... crying so hard I can not breate through my nose.... thenyawning.... like our kids cried and then slept....   It is a day when I just want to stay in bed too....  and today it is raining too.

Went to a bread store where I met another friend who is 2 years past the death of her husband and we both talked about how hard these grief feelings are and that it seems like the "Normal" world doesn't seem to care or understand. it is Fall and it seems like many of us are "Falling Apart"..... Hugs

I truly understand now why my grief counselor refers to it as "working through the grief"  People don't realize how hard it really is to make the right choices. To do what is best for us. If I did what I WANTED to do, I would probably never get of bed!  It's strange now to have to make a conscious effort to do things that normally I would do without thinking, like eating.  A co-worker this morning said to me "I don't like it when you're sad.  You were happy and smiling yesterday why are you sad today?" Really? does she not realize that for me to be happy and smiling takes a conscious EFFORT on my part and that some days, like today, I just don't have the energy to pull it off.