Hi Ladies,

Sandra I can relate to your statement that no one needs you like your baby did, that is how I feel about Sarah. I am fortunate that I do have a wonderful daughter , son, son-in-law and three beautiful grand children.  As a matter of fact if it werent for my daughter Laura I dont know where I would be she hold me and crys with me. The only time that my mind is at rest is when I am at her house holding or playing with my grand children.  When I am left alone my mind goes back to the sadness and loss that I feel.  Last nights trigger was "Do you think she knew that I loved her?" I know that she did and have the cell phone messages and the texts on my phone to replay.  So why do I doubt?  Why do I play her death over and over in my mind?  am I some sort of sadist that I want to feel the pain over an over? No It is just something that happens I wont even be thinking about my beautiful daughter and it slams me out fo no where... She is gone, how am I going to make it without you?  I love you Sarah, I miss you so much it hurts

Oh, I am just beside myself! I went out last night and the "thoughts" were really getting hold of me, so I called a friend that had lost a child several years ago and told her that  I was suicidal.  She talked to me for hours until I was past the worst of it.  She told me to go home and write on my board all the reasons we had talked about why I couldn't take my life. 

As I was doing this, my boyfriend came home from spending yet another night out "with the guys" and asked me what I was doing.  I finally broke down and told him that I wanted to kill myself.  Did he take me in his arms and console me? No! Did he ask if I felt I needed to go to a hospital? No! He got angry at me! Then he looked at me with an evil, smug look and said "You won't kill yourself. You don't have it in you." What, you're going to DARE me to do it? UN - F'ING - BELIEVABLE!!

OMG!!  Lisa you certainly dont need that!!  WOW....I'd be showing him the door!  I just don't understand why the men in our lives are acting like this.    Why can't they understand that our world is shattered??  Every reason we lived for is gone.  Our hears are broken into a million pieces never to be whole again.  Why is that so hard to understand???

Oh sweet Sandra, I am so sorry. I really do know how you feel, all I can say is thank goodness for my little one. Some people think that sounds so cruel like the rest of my children don't matter but that is not the case. I guess it's just that incident I had with her when she voiced her concerns and fears. In some sort of irrational way, I feel like my other children are older and don't "need' me as much. The would argue that is so not true. We all have different circumstances and support systems in our lives. If you feel as though you don't have anyone, at least please try to use all of us, use this site or others.  I have mentioned before how one of my older children tries to discourage me from being on this site. She made me so angry. There is no one else that I can talk to that truly gets it. The bottom line is I just want my son back too!  I still need the universe to know that I will forever look for my son and I want the world to stop until I find him. I just can't accept any of this. 

thanks again for at least listening.

Thanks Karen and Bobbi.  I relate to your comment about your older children. My only other child is 23 now and lives miles away in another state. He has a great job and an exciting future ahead of him and I'm soooo happy for him. But at the same time, I feel like I've lost my identity. I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore. 

My friend told me though that my purpose was to carry my daughter's legacy for her, so I'm trying to find my strength again so that I can do that. I just feel so alone.  I just wish I had someone that would hold me and me let me hide for just a little while.

I really don't know where to turn, what to do.  My mate doesn't give me the emotional support that I need and our relationship is crumbling fast. I really want to move out but if I do then I would have very little money to live on each month.  Not that he makes much of a contribution anyway, because the home we live in now is basically free. he constantly picks fights with me over STUPID things. Then tells me that my grief his getting on his nerves to the point that he's just going to leave. Fine leave, quit threatening me like you think I'm scared for you to go. I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW!!!  I'm trying not to kill myself and he's barking at me about how I get on his nerves! What should I do?

Hey Lisa, thank goodness my husband was not as harsh as your mate. Since you asked........kick him to the curb!!!!  At this point, I am sure that you won't consider him a lost! You don't need that extra stress and pain. Most people in our shoes need that extra TLC. Sometimes we may only require a hug, or just a ear for listening or we may want to be left alone. Our emotions are all over the place and they shouldn't take our actions personal because it's not intended that way. They have to try to understand that are no rules or time limits on how we grieve and mourn. Somedays we made need to scream and/or cry all day, all night. We might feel like killing ourself but we don't expect others that claim to love us, tell us to go ahead because we are getting on their nerves! They don't understand that other people's complaints sound so petty to us and that if you catch us on a bad day, their "threats" of leaving us or cutting us off, really don't matter.

Maybe something will change for the better with him and he will finally "get it" before it's too late. Sorry that you are going through this.

Hey Ann and everyone. This this a great forum to vent. I f it wasn't for forums like this, I don't know where I would be now. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, at times to have people truly understand what we are feeling and why we are feeling this way, if they are not experiencing it.

Thanks

Ladies, you are not going to believe this one.  I have gone round and round with the people at the cemetary over Roxanne's marker.  The woman who helped us when we ordered it was rude and made very insensitive comments.  Then they ordered the marker without me proofing it and it WAS WRONG.  Then they told me it would be in place by July 3rd.  After having to go up to the manager again this past Monday and complain, they finally got the marker down on Wednesday.  Guess what? Again, not what I ordered! It didn't even have a flower vase on it! So, I go to the manager again to complain.  He assures me they will get it fixed Thursday.  So, late last night I go up to the cemetary and my precious girl's grave is torn all to Hell!  The granite was knocked over to the side, the flowers that were on the grave were strewn everywhere and it looked like a dog or something had been digging up the dirt! I was so upset!

What?!!!!!! Oh no!, that's horrible! ! I can imagine how you felt, I had a similar incident but not as traumatic as yours, now that I've read what happened to you! Thank goodness that my son's granite monument was exactly what I ordered. The first incidence I had with the cementery was the very next day after my son's funeral/burial, I went to cementery because I was in such denial, to look for my son. I know it sounds crazy but I really believed he could be wondering around somewhere, confused and lost because he had a brain injury. I had my husband drive me around town first before he brought me to the cementery. My husband knew my mental state and he did not want to feel my wrath, so he did it. Anyway, when I get there, I rush over to where he was and I see that there is a huge hole or burial plot next to him that was just being dug for someone else's burial. My heart was pounding out of my chest because all of the dozens of flowers that were placed there, were just thrown all over the place. I started to panic that maybe my son "got out" or that they moved my son. When I fell to my knees, right at the edge, one of the grave diggers came over to me and asked what was wrong and I yelled' who moved my son's flowers?!" and my son could not possibly be down there, this idiot said "oh yeah, i dug your son's grave yesterday, look close, you can see a part of his white casket right there but it's a little hard because there is a cement slab over it". He's pointing, like it was nothing!  I could not believe it! My husband had to literally drag me away and fight with me to get me in the car. I cursed every bad word there is. I couldn't believe how cold this bastard was. I was totally unaware that they a place a slab of cement over the casket, i did NOT need to see that, I started thinking that thing on top would really make it hard for him to get out, so I had to convince myself that maybe he got out before they put the slab on. My husband wanted me to go on some antipsychotic medications after that but I would never do that. I told my husband that I am on the worst emotional roller coaster of my life. 

Alot of these people that work there. its just a "job" to them. They need to always remember that this is our loved one's final resting place. Some people, like me, have the need and desire to be there as much as possible and others may never want to return there or only visit for birthdays and special events/holidays but for whatever reasons you have, everyone should be treated with respect. I take special care of getting rid of weeds and watering flowers and bushes I have there, it's important to me and I don't want my son's 'place' disrespected, ever. There was another incident when i went to visit and some pictures and candles and some other things were gone. once again that burning rage came over me and I went straight to their office to make a complaint. I told the supervisor that I feel like my son's place was robbed, yes robbed! She tried to reassure me that none of their workers would ever move those things and that maybe another visitor did because the only thing they sometimes remove are dead bouquets of flowers but nothing else. Anyway, thank goodness, nothing has ever been removed again.

Sorry for what happened.

Hi Ladies,

The day of Sarahs service I recieved a call from the funeral home and they said there had been a mistake and that Sarah had not been sent to the crematorium and that she was still at the funeral home.  I did not have her embalmed because she was being cremated. The guy said that they were willing to put her in a casket but there would be a smell because of decomposition... THIS HORRIFIED ME I FOUND SARAH AFTER 2 DAYS, ALL I COULD PICTURE WAS WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE AFTER 2 WEEKS! I was so upset, the service went on with an empty coffin, her father was expecting half of her ashes.. Talk about making a already bad day worse... IDK I think they should make them take some sort of empathy class or something.  The guy we made Sarahs arrangements with was very nice when we were writing the check however after there mix up and me having to wait another week for her ashes was a lot to take.  I didn't want to go back to the place that reminded me of her death.. It was awful...

thank u all! I love this group and am so grateful for all of your care, concern and support, It is such a relief to have someone to talk to. 

I am at our beach house and told my neighbor that Sarah passed away, she grabbed me and hugged me tight and started to cry.  She said "OMG Melissa I am so sorry I Lost my son too he was only 2 years old..I feel your pain. no one unless they have lost a child can know your pain they have no idea!" I was in shock she had never shared with  me her loss.  Two moms missing there babies just stood there holding each other crying.  Best cry that I have had since Sarahs passing.  I cannot explain the connection that we now share. 

It is bitter sweet being here in Cayucous, everywhere I look I see reminders of her. Us walking down the street  to the beach in her wedding gown, then today holding this small little hand of my grandson Aden making the same walk. 

We came to spread her ashes, I am not ready for that at all its far to soon! I dont know when, just not now maybe never... who knowns

Ann, I just watched your videos. You are right. You can actually feel the love he has for his beautiful daughter.I.m very sorry for your loss.

Sandy

Ann, this is the place to vent!!  We've all lost part of our hearts.  You can bet we will understand.  We're here, always.

Hugs to you, Bobbi

Hello Kenny's mom. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. There are no laws or rules for how we should grieve and mourn. I have become estranged from my husband also, 6 months after my son passed away. He is not my son's biological father but they always had a good relationship. We have a child together. He could not handle my grief and mourning. His famous words were "just stop, you have to stop". He had no idea to handle me and he's not the type of person that would have gone to counseling to try to understand what I was going through. It was my decision to leave because I could not give him the attention and affection he had been use to. It's been about 16 months since we have been separated and I must say that in the last 3 months, our relationship is better. I think it's better because we don't live together, so I don't have to hear him telling me to stop all the time. he was being supportive the best way he knew how but it wasn't the right way for me. He would only make me angry and have resentment for him, I don't believe that his intentions were to hurt me, but nevertheless, that's how I took it. I looked at him as being selfish for wanting me to be the way I was before I lost my son.  Some people have a better relationship living apart, he does not want us to be apart and has not stopped trying to convince me to move back.

I hope everything works out for whatever's best for you.

Hello Friends,  I pray today will give you a measure of comfort.

Sandra, thank you for the comment on the videos.  I can't always look at them, but some days they give me a measure of peace to at least know he had some happiness in his troubled life.

Thanks also to Bobbi & Karen R..  I appreciate your words of kindness.

I'm just thinking of you all and sending love and hugs.  Hope you are all okay.

Ann

Each day we feel this ache in our hearts.  Each day brings a reminder of who we've lost.  Each day is a battle to survive... my son gives me signs in his own way to let me know he's around.  For that I feel some comfort.  But it's just not the same as hearing his voice, seeing his smile, hearing his music.  The 3rd of the month is around the corner.... it will be 5 months since he passed.  Each month doesn't get easier.  Just reminds me more what I have lost in my life.  God help us all who grieve.  The ache doesn't go away but the sun goes down every night and comes up the next day.  Sigh...

Glad to see you back Karen.  Hope you were able to enjoy a few days away.  

As always...you all are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi,

I guess I don't know where to go to start talking with different people, someone help.. so I can start my search for groups and people. thanks

Debbie -- tell us about your loss. That will help us help you. We are here for you. Many of us just barely cope on a minute by minute basis. Some of us make it a few days before a melt down occurs and we have to cry for a while. So how can we help?

Lorie,  Today I had the same kind of day you had yesterday.  Been on the verge of tears all day.  I usually make it to my car after work.  Been nearly 2 months.  Seems like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time.   Yesterday I was cleaning up in my sewing room and thought I'd go thru some of Derricks things.  Somehow I never got to that.  I'm finding that a hard part of this is that I always had some sort of a plan for the future.  But now I don't know what the new plan is.  I don't know what to do with his baby book.  Of course I'll keep it forever but what then, when I'm gone....  I'm just frantic trying to figure out a plan with out my sweet boy.