Missing my Son or Daughter

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For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.

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Marti Shaffer

my son died on Jan 12 and i feel like the grief is sometimes getting worse and not better. i am getting used to the fact that he is dead but i cant get used to the idea that i wont see him again until i die. every day i wake up and its like a blow to my mind heart and soul that he is gone. its always the first thing i remember and it is like a cloud covers my mind. i go through the motions and i take care of what needs to be done but, i miss him so much. i feel so much anger because he was murdered, shot by another person for nothing. He was only 21. His son is 19 mos old.And today sucks!

Apr 28, 2011
Laura Villarreal

Marti, I am so sorry for the passing of your son. My journey of grief began 2 years ago on May 25, 2009. My only child, my 33 year old daughter Angela, died from injuries sustained in an ATV accident. She was in Alaska and I was in Texas...it has been so hard. And now my husband passed away on Monday 4/25/11. You will experience all sorts of extreme emotions...anger, hate sadness, and fleeting moments of joy when you recall happier memories. My daughter had no children. Most of the time now I can talk about her without breaking down but she is always in my thoughts, my heart...like the air we breath her essence embraces me. I can't say it gets easier because I haven't found that place yet. While you may not "see" him he is with you. We all grieve differently so please don't think there is a "right" way to get through this. Take care....Laura

Apr 28, 2011
Marti Shaffer

thank u laura, i know there are no rules and i am a Christian so i pray alot there are just days when i feel like screaming and tearing up all around me but i stay calm then i feel even crazier cause my insides feel so out of control and my outside is just going through the motions of what i have to do. everyone thinks 'she is so strong' but really i'm not. im a little crazy inside but i feel like people dont really wantto hear about it. people say how are you? and i know they really dont want to know so i say' im doing better' when i really wanna say" im going freaking nuts because my kid is dead and i dont know how to do this" but can u imagine the look on their face if i really said that :)

Apr 28, 2011
Karen R.

Hey Marti, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you are feeling when people ask how are you doing. I had this lady ask me one day if I was "over" losing my son yet!!!! I was so hurt and so so angry....I told her to close her eyes and imagined that her 5 yr old that she has, just suddenly, tragically died and to imagine that she would NEVER be able to see him or hold him again and you know what she said....she said that she could NOT imagine it. I told her exactly and not to ever ask me that again! There have been many, many times when people have asked me how am I doing and I held nothing back....I have told them that I am BROKEN, I am lost and I am so f!@ked right now! I have told them many times that unless they could get me son back, there is NOTHING that they could do for me. I felt like if you really don't want to know how I truly feel, then don't ask me. There are no rules for grieving. I never use to worry about making anyone feel uncomfortable about my response to that dreadful question, now depending on my mood and the person that asks me....i'll say I could be better but thanks for asking. The thing that pisses me off about that is that some people who happen to know that I lost my son will say " oh really, what's the matter?"! Oh how that inferiorates me. I quickly remind them that" hello, my son passed away!!... and then they feel small and apologize. I truly don't mean to make others feel uneasy. I truly understand that people don't really want to hurt you and they don't know what to say but sometimes saying nothing at all or a simple hug is fine. True friends and family should never take it personal.

May 1, 2011
Karen R.

Greetings Lucy, so sorry for your tremendous lost!!!!! I lost my 21 yr old son. I am sorry that I don't have any comforting words to offer because my soul has no comfort but I can say that this site is good for you to express your pain and your thoughts so they can be validated by people that truly understand and are always willing to listen. We are all members of this sad club that NO ONE would ever volunteer to join.

May 1, 2011
Sandra LaBonte

I don't even know how to use this forum, so if this is in the wrong place I'm sorry. I just need someone to tell me how it is possible to go on without my only child, because right now I don't think I can. Please help

May 4, 2011
Laura Villarreal

Sandra, my heart goes out to you! I lost my only child, my daughter, on May 25, 2009. She died from injuries received in an ATV accident...it was so quick and she was living far away from me. She was only 33 years old. Like you I did not want to go on and did not know how to go on. Every morning I would wake up and be disappointed that I did not die in my sleep. I was really pissed off at God for a long time. My emotions ranged from anger, to hate, to self pity, to confusion to raging anger. I had to accept there would NEVER be an answer to my questions as to why she had to die so young. My Christian upbringing promises us eternal life so I know I will see her again someday. Suicide was never an option for me because taking one's own life goes against God's word and there would be no eternal life, which means not seeing my daughter again. I will not take that chance. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her, talk to her or feel her presence. People want to be kind but unless they have lost a child can seem very insensitive with their words such as "time heals all wounds" or "you will get over this". Or the worst one is "she's in a better place!" I actually cut off all contact with family and friends for 2-3 months because they just didn't get it. Questions like "how are you?" Me replying "I am fine." Then they would ask "are you really okay?" Me replying "NO, I AM NOT OKAY, MY ONLY CHILD IS DEAD!" How many times does someone need to ask the same question in the same conversation?? One time I actually answered with "no, I am not okay" and was then asked "well what"s wrong?" DUH...they just don't get it! Sorry for the long winded reply but I just want you to know that what you feel is absolutely normal for you right now. There are no "rules for grieving" as we all grieve differently. Do what feels right for you and most importantly take care of yourself. I always felt like I was living life one breath at a time...Losing her still hurts but it is not the vicious, ripping pain I had 2 years ago. You are in the right forum as we have all experienced the loss of a child/children. If you would like to email me you may do so at 1043villa@sbcglobal.net

Take care, Sandra

May 4, 2011
Marti Shaffer

thank u Karen R. It is so nice to hear someone else say they KNOW my pain and mean it!!! I dont think we ever get used to the loss , i think we just get used to living with that part of our heart gone. The embedded pain, i doubt will evr go away just become a part of who i am. I am thankful that ushared ur feeling with me.

May 4, 2011
Kim Johnson

I lost my oldest child and only son in a horrific car accident which closed our local Hwy and was all over the news for several days. The accident has had a huge impact on the lives of many people as there were 5 boys in the car. Three of the boys died on impact including my son. The three boys who died had a bond unlike any other. They truly loved each other like brothers. The boys had all been drinking and got into the car with another boy who was very drunk. (3 or 4 times the legal limit) They had been at a party and made the decision to go to one of the boys homes to spend the night. I guess they thought because it was only a couple miles they could make it. The driver of the car survived the crash and as drunk as he was, he was the only one wearing a seat-belt. We all told our boys over and over not to drink and drive, not to get into a car with someone who was drunk. Always, wear your seat belt. They thought they were invincible. The 5th boys who survived was the younger brother of one of my son's friends who died. He swears that the three boys saved him and are his guardian angels. He told me they were always looking out for him. This has been the most heartbreaking time of my life and I truly do not look forward to a future without my baby in it. These kids are "boys" to me, but in the eyes of the law they were young men. My son was only twenty years old. He had his whole life ahead of him and now they are gone in the blink of an eye. I am left with a broken heart and two daughters who are devastated at the loss of their brother. I would give anything in the world for one more hug, one more "I love you", one more "I'm sorry".

May 5, 2011
Marti Shaffer

kim johnson, iknow how u feel about just one more hug etc.... my son was 6 ft 2 and strong as an ox. He would pick me up 5ft 2in and give me the biggest bear hugs. He was a donor and i know that someone received his eyes and i would give anything to see that person and look into my sons eyes again.....

May 5, 2011
Marti Shaffer

This will be my first Mother Day without my Matthew and it is gonna SUCK SUCK SUCK...........

May 5, 2011
Karen R.

Oh my dear Kim J., how sorry I am about your tremendous loss. I agree with you that they were all "boys", they hadn't even begun to live their lives yet. I know your pain all too well, as well as many others on this site........unfortunately. I am suffering from the loss of my baby, my 21yr old son. He was riding a friend's motorcycle on a residential street when he was chased and rammed into another car and he was wearing a helmet. He was in ICU for a week before he passed away. My pain and my sadness is ever present.There were many days that I wanted to end my own life because my pain and torment were too much to bare but I decided NOT to cause my other children any additional pain. I have not been able to except what has happened to my son. These boys think that they are invincible, nothing could ever happen to them. I begged my son not to ever get on that other boys bike. we had a huge arguement about it and about 5 days after that, he ended up in the Intensive Care Unit fighting for his life. This whole thing is one big nightmare that I cant seem to wake up out of. This site helps me in the sense that there are others that understand and my thoughts and feelings are validated. Once again, so sorry.

May 5, 2011
Karen R.

Thanks Norma for your concern and kind words. I can not think of one single thing that could happen to any human.......losing your child, who would sign up for this! !!!! I want my son back too!!! I really want it to be that none of this ever happened!!!!

May 5, 2011
Margaret Ann Puckett

Hello Everyone,

Well, this is the dreaded month for me. May 5th 3 yrs ago I lost my brother David 53, today May 16th, 1993, my sister Kathy 50 & May 16th 1997 my oldest son Dale 29 then May 18th would have been Dale's birthday & May 19th last year my 2nd son Brian 34 was murdered. April & June aren't much better. April 12th, 2009, I lost my niece Traci 35 who was also 5 months pregnant with her 1st child & April 25th this year I had to put my sweet little dog Misty, whom I had for 14 years down then June 23rd, 1998 my husband Doyle 61 passed. They were all so young. The sadness just keeps coming. Everyone keeps saying I am so strong but they just don't know how dead I feel inside. I loved them all so very much. If it wasn't for having my beautiful daughter Christina & 5 yr old granddaughter, Madison I just don't think I could go on.

I am sorry for rambling on but its just another bad day & I had to get it off of my chest & I know you all understand. I feel so bad for everyone when I read your storys. I really wish I could help you all but all I can do is keep you all in my prayers which is another thing that keeps me going. I ask God every day to give me the strength to keep going & stop being so depressed. I believe in the afterlife & I've seen where people have had their loved ones come to them. Has anyone here ever had a visit?

Thanks for being here & listening & letting me ramble on. God Bless You all & if you ever need anything please feel free to email me at: dalesmom333@yahoo.com. You all remain in my prayers. Maggie

May 16, 2011
Karen R.

Greetings Margaret, I can not begin to imagine such a multitude of losses! I don't where all my strength comes from after losing my 21yr old son. I could only credit it to my now young 7 yr old and the distraction I have by volunteering in her class. I am sure that has to be that. I was feeling extra down the Friday before this Mother's Day and I think my son that I loss sent me a gift. That Friday, her class mates were making Mother's Day cards and sadly, there was one little boy who said that he couldn't make a card because he longer had a mommy..... he said my mom died! Whats left of my heart just began to crumble, I tried to hold back my tears and then he asked me so innocently if he could make one for me! He siad that I was always nice to him like his mom would have been. That really helped me get through that whole weekend. I have always had such a special attachment to him since the beginning of the school year, even before I learned that his mom passed away. I do believe that my son has come to me in dreams before to try to comfort me but truthfully speaking, I end up not being comforted because I become so angry when I realize it was only a dream. There has been at least 2 incidences when my son physically turned a night lite on and off multiple times and once I could hear him breathing right next to me laying in my bed. They were definately NOT dreams, I was fully awake and my little daughter also was a witness to those occurances. She knew right away that it was her big brother. I will NEVER be able to accept what has happened to my son, it will will NEVER be "OK" with me. I can't think of one acceptable reason for this happening. Not only do I just want my son back, I want it to be that the whole thing NEVER happened.

I am always willing to listen and my heart aches for you and everyone else that is dealing with such grief.

May 16, 2011
Margaret Ann Puckett

Dear Karen, Thank you so much for writing back. I am so glad you have your little daughter to distract you some as I have my dear granddaughter who is such a comfort. I feel like she is my little guardian angel who just knows what to say & when to say it. She is so wise for her 5 years. She has had to watch her mom & I go through so much. I try to stay cheerful around her. I know how everyone feels about wanting them back. How can we not. I added my email to my last note if you would like to write me I can tell you how it happened. I also have a beautiful poem that a friend of mine sent me that I felt came right from my son. it is long but worth the read. I have to say it does help me to read it when I'm at my worse. I have to go to bed now as I have a migraine & can hardly see but I will be back on tomorrow. Hope to hear from you in my email. Thanks again for your support & understanding. God Bless & Love, Maggie

May 16, 2011
Karen R.

Hello Margaret, you are more than welcomed. I will email you soon, thanks very much. Also, hello to everyone, I think about you all, always. Thanks for everyone's help.

May 17, 2011
Margaret Ann Puckett

Thank You Karen & Norma for your comments & support. Yes it is hard for all of us but if it wasn't for God seeing us through I guess we would just give up. He has a reason for each of us to be here & maybe it is to meet each other & help all who we can. I have good & bad days & I guess the crying now & then is a good release. I do try to understand but still can't but I'm sure God will show me when He feels I am ready. Thursday was my 2nd son's 1st year anniversary & I am still having a hard time with it. The trial for his murderer is coming up in June if they don't put it off again. Maybe it will give us some closure or maybe not but I will be glad when it is over & justice is served. Tomorrow I am going to post the beautiful poem that was given to me that has really helped me a lot. It is a bit long but definately worth the read. I feel like it came to me right from my Brian & when I really feel bad I read it again & feel like he is with me in a way. I hope it can help everyone feel the same. My love & prayers to everyone. I'll be back Sat.. Good Night & God Bless

May 21, 2011

Margaret Ann Puckett

Hello everyone, Here is the poem I said I would send. I really hope it helps everyone as it still does me. I won't be online today as Brians friends are having a memorial get together for him so I will be gone. Enjoy & have a wonderful day. Love & God's Blessings to all.

To My Dear Family

Some things I'd like to say,

But first of all to let you know

That I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from Heaven

Where I dwell with God above,

Where there's no more tears or sadness

There is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy

Just because I'm out of sight,

Remember that I'm with you

Every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you

When my life on Earth was through,

God picked me up and hugged me

And He said I welcome you.

It's good to have you back again

You were missed while you were gone,

As for your dearest family

They'll be here later on.

I need you here so badly

As part of My big plan,

There's so much that we have to do

To help our mortal man.

Then God gave me a list of things

He wished for me to do,

And foremost on that list of mine

Is to watch and care for you.

And I will be beside you

Every day and week and year,

And when you're sad I'm standing there

To wipe away the tear.

And when you lie in bed at night

The days chores put to flight,

God and I are closest to you

In the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on Earth

And all those loving years,

Because you're only human

They are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry

It does relieve the pain,

Remember there would be no flowers

Unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you

Of all that God has planned,

But if I were to tell you

You wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain

Though my life on Earth is o're,

I am closer to you now

Than I ever was before.

And to my very many friends

Trust God knows what is best,

I'm still not far away from you

I'm just beyond the crest.

There are rocky roads ahead of you

And many hills to climb,

But together we can do it

Taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy

And I'd like it for you, too,

That as you give unto the world

So the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody

Who is in sorrow or in pain,

Then you can say to God at night

My day was not in vain.

And now I am contented

That my life it was worthwhile,

Knowing as I passed along the way

I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody

Who is down and feeling low,

Just lend a hand to pick him up

As on your way you go.

When you are walking down the street

And you've got me on your mind,

I'm walking in your footsteps

Only half a step behind.

And when you feel the gentle breeze

Or the wind upon your face,

That's me giving you a great big hug

Or just a soft embrace.

And when it's time for you to go

From that body to be free,

Remember you're not going

You are coming here to me.

And I will always love you

From that land way up above,

Will be in touch again soon

P.S. God sends his love.

May 21, 2011

Ammy

That is a beautiful poem Margaret. Thanks for sharing it. Someone had given it to me also when our son died. I use to read it often, but lately everything seems fresh again. I think the stress of thinking about his birthday and Father's day next month are already starting the anxiety. Then in July we will hit our one year mark. It's hard to believe how much time has gone by and the pain is still so fresh. I am praying for you and all that are going through grief. I know the trial will be hard for you. Remind us when the time comes. Blessings to you also, Ann

May 21, 2011
Margaret Ann Puckett

Dear Norma & Ann, Thanks for your comments. I am so glad you enjoyed the poem. I know how very much pain you are all in. No matter what it just does not go away. This past week was very hard. So many anniversarys didn't help. It has been 1 year already for my Brian & it seems like it just happened. Everyone says I am so strong but I just don't let them no I am not really. I try so hard but it just hurts so bad. Will we ever know why? I don;t think so until it is our turn to join them. So many mean & ugly people out there why do nice people like us have to suffer & not them?? I'm sorry but its just one of those days. I ask God every day for strength but I am still not accepting all of it. Just remember you are all in my thoughts & prayers & any way I can help plz feel free to contact me. My email again is dalesmom333@yahoo.com I have to get off the puter for now but I will be back. Love & God's Blessings to all.. Maggie

May 23, 2011
Ann Edmondson

Maggie -- This poem is wonderful. I was wondering if you mind my printing it and providing copies to families and a memorial service I am going to on Saturday for our fallen veterans. This poem would mean so much to them as it has for me.

May 23, 2011
Bonnie Cassell

My name is Bonnie and a year ago this Thursday my son hung himself I wish that I could join him, I am very suicidal and I dont know what to do. I miss him so much It aches please someone can you help me no one else around me can understand me.

May 23, 2011
Ann Edmondson

Bonnie -- I am so sorry to hear that your sign hung himself. When members of our family commit suicide it leaves the rest of us wondering what we could have done to have stopped them. The first couple of years are the hardest for any of us who have lost a child. But your feelings are valid. Try to remember the good times with your son. If want you can post pictures here to help others know about your son. This place is open to hear your pain and we all will understand.

May 23, 2011
Ann Edmondson

Bonnie - if you are still on line drop me an email at ann.edmondson@yahoo.com I would be happy to hear your concerns and talk with you a little more privately about the loss of your son.

May 23, 2011
Bonnie Cassell

Bonnie again Ann if you are here just write me my computer is going to be on all day. thank you I need help!

May 24, 2011
Sandra LaBonte

Bonnie, I am sorry for your loss and your pain. I am new to this so I don't know exactly what to say, but I am a good listener. If you want to talk

May 24, 2011
Ann Edmondson

Bonnie - I will be on my computer until 4pm MST today and then again from 6pm until 10pm tonight. Please write and let's talk ~ Ann

May 25, 2011
Dee Davis

Bonnie, I am Dee and I lost my son Jamie Sept 09Just a few mos after was ordained as a Minister for God. He was born with Cerarbral Palesy.He was not suppose to live past 15 or be able to graduate high school, or work and take of hisself. He not only graduated High school, but 3yrs of Bible college,and became ordained, preached 5 different churches, and made a tape ministry. When he preached I taped him and after he passed I put them on DVD.I plan to write a book on his life,when I get where I can try and remember things without falling apart. He was well known for his wonderful Smile. So now I make crocheted yellow smiley faces in his memory to still spread his smile around.// What took him was a bottle of cough syrup with codene, that he had a fatel reaction to.He took it that night an woke up with Jesus,when I went in to wake hiim the next morn. I am a single parent of 3 grown children.So I felt as tho my world ended. I had mad him my world, since his dad wanted nothing to do with him, when he found out he was born with CP.But Jamie was loved by everyone who met him. There were over 250 people a his funeral.There were so many things the drs. said he wouldn't be able to do in his life, but I told them that my JESUS wasn't finished with him, and I Never let him give up on hisself. And now I pray for God to not give up on me , because I need all his strengt go get me thro each day now. we are each others strength too. And I say a prayer for alol of us every nite.God bless you all.. Dee

May 25, 2011
Bonnie Cassell

Dee that is a great story. I have now just got past my first year after loosing my son. He was my world and still is just know I got to wait to see him. he was only thirteen when he hung himself playing a game. I have spent the last 7 days in the hospital learning ways to deal with this loss so that I wouldn't take my own life, just to be with him. he was the only great thing that I did awesome at in my life at least that is what I thought. I dont suffer right now I am pleased to know that he is in heaven and I will see him .

Jun 2, 2011
Vicki Giddens

I lost my daughter about a month ago. She passed away during childbirth. She left us with a beautiful baby boy. I am thankful for him but I miss her so much. I feel as though I will never be happy again. I am always sad. Life is not fair. I want to scream. She never even got a chance to see his beautiful face. This was her first child. She wanted him so much. My family has been very supportive but I just need to talk with someone who truly understands my pain. I want to hold her so bad. I have anxiety whenever I go to placed we went a lot. Does it ever get better. Thanks for listening.

Jun 3, 2011
Laura Villarreal

Hi Vicki....I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my daughter (my only child) in May of 2009 (ATV accident)...she was only 33. This has been my personal experience as we all grieve differently: The loss of a child is the most difficult grief there is to contend/live/deal with and honestly it does not get better but changes who we are as it forces us to redefine who we are. Anxiety and panic attacks are quite normal; I have learned how to recognize and deal with them but that doesn't make it any easier. At first, whenever I thought of wanting to hug my daughter just one more time, my arms would physically hurt! I have also found that by sharing her memories with others helps to alleviate some of the heartache I have...I love talking about her to anyone who will listen! Friends, family and yes, even strangers! And in all your pain and heartache you have a grandson...a bright light in all your darkness. Your grief is very new so my one piece of humble advice is to take care of yourself. Make sure you eat right and rest as needed...grief will take all the life out of you if you let it. If and when you feel like it I think many of us here would like to know about your daughter...share as much as you want, we make no judgements here. We have all lost a child(ren) in this group and we all making our way through the grief, each in our own way but together.

Take care,

Laura

Jun 3, 2011
Karen R.

Greetings Vicki, I am so so sorry to hear of another loss of this magnitude. I loss my 21yr old son whose picture you see I think 18 or 19 months ago, I don't like to count the months because for me, it just increases my anger. Once again I am sorry that I don't have too many encouraging words because my pain has NOT lessoned one tiny bit but I can say, like I have said many times before, to keep writing because it helps to have your feelings and thoughts validated by those who, unfortunately, do understand. We will always be willing to listen. I know that your grand baby could NEVER replace your child but that baby needs your love. I am sure that your daughter will love her baby through you. Sometimes I wish that my son had a child, I try to imagine the comfort that would bring me. I will NEVER be able to accept what has happened to my son because it is unacceptable.

Jun 3, 2011
Karen R.

Greetings Laura, and all others. I must say that I too talk about my son all the time to any one that will listen. I try to express to people that they need not to "protect" me by avoiding conversations about my son. It soothes me because it makes me feel that my son is not forgotten. He is my son and will always be my son, I would NEVER say he WAS my son. I even talk to my son everyday and sometimes I ask him for his opinion. I still send him texts messages. Its strange that I no longer want to look at his possessions but at the same time I refuse to part with them, besides a few things that I gave to my younger son. My children packed them away and hid them from me at my request. You are right, everyone grieves different and some of us grieve the same. Thanks again to all that listen.

Jun 3, 2011
Vicki Giddens

Thank you Laura. Brittney was a wonderful person. Loved by everyone who knew her. She was always there for you. Whenever you needed help with something you called Brittney. She never failed to tell you she loved you before she left or hung up on the phone. Her laugh was contagious. You couldn't help but laugh with her. I miss her laugh so much :( I am sorry for your loss too. For everyone who has lost someone they love. I never knew how precious the little things in life are. A hug. A smile. What I would give for one smile from her. I Love You Brittney! I talk to her sometimes. I hope that doesn't make me crazy. I feel better when I do. Thanks again for listening.

Jun 3, 2011
Lazondral Nelson (Nicole)

My daughter Kashmir passed away on April 12, 2011. She was 20 years old. She was 2 months and 8 days away from her 21st birthday. She was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic luekemia in December 2010. She was in her 4th stage of chemo, which was going worse than the others before. She was upbeat and encouraging. You left her feeling uplifted and she was the one who was sick! I am still shocked and kind of numb. She was extremely outgoing with a love for people. She was loved by everybody.She was going to college and had a part-time job. She wanted to be a lawyer. All of that is gone now. My 2 sons and I have a bond but we were very close. I miss her so much. I was overwhelmed by the love and support from everyone. Her funeral was so big we did not have enough room for everybody. The overflow room was full. People were standing everywhere. All the wonderful ways that she had touched others truly amazed me. Sometimes I cry all night. I have not slept well in months (since she was diagnosed). I stopped working in January to be there for her at the hospital. I do not regret that decision. I don't know what to do now. I feel stuck. If it were not for my faith, family and friends I would be a basket case. I have started to embrace the pain instead of ignoring it. It has been 2 months since she has been gone and no one seems to understand. I am extremely skilled in putting a mask on in front of others. I prefer to grieve in private. Reading the posts of others helped me tremendously. Thanks for providing an outlet. I am sorry for everyone's losses. I hope that I can be a blessing to someone too.

Jun 12, 2011
Ann Edmondson

Lazondrol (Nicole) ~ I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. My prayers are with you. It is never easy when you lose a child no matter what their age. From what you wrote it sounds as if your daughter was loved and touched the lives of many people. My only advice would be to let others see your grief. It may help them be able to understand their own grief over the loss of your daughter. Too many people feel they must be stoic and not show emotion when they grieve. It is OK to grieve. I often find myself sometimes shedding tears when in public still to this day after four years. It is part of life.

Jun 13, 2011
Karen R.

Greetings Lazondral, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. Is that her picture you have posted? I unfortunately, along with many others, understand your pain. I loss my 21 yr old son. He was riding a friend's motorcycle when he was forced into another car, he sustained a massive brain injury and passed away a week later while he was in ICU. Besides my heartache and pain, I also have a tremendous amount of anger. I must say that neither has lessoned for me, it still feels like all of this happened yesterday and it has been about 18 or 19 months ago....I stopped counting. I still can NOT accept what has happened and I am not quite sure as to why I have to accept it. It's not 'OK" and its never going to be "OK" for me. He is my child, what parent would want to bury their child?!!! I can not think of one person. I could have never imagined this type of pain and helplessness that I am experiencing. I am still pissed off that the world has been going on without my son. I can never think about him in the past tense because he IS my son and will ALWAYS be my son, he's my baby. It hurts so much, people truly don't understand that just because you have other children doesn't mean that they fill the void of losing one, one child can NOT replace another. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. I am sorry for all of our losses, truly, I am.

Jun 13, 2011
Ann Edmondson

Karen - you are so right that there is no wrong or right way to grieve. But you are more on point when you say that our children are never spoken about in the past! I speak about my son and often talk about him in the present tense as well. It is NEVER ok to think that we should bury our children and it pisses me off as well when people say " oh but you have other children...." Sorry about ranting today. It has just been one of those days guys. Thanks for listening. ~Ann

Jun 13, 2011
Lazondral Nelson (Nicole)

The picture is of Kashmir. Thank you all for your input. It really means alot. I am only 2 months and 2 days in my process. I will be the first to say that I don't have any answers. I am trying to be true to myself and know my limitations when it comes to certain things. If I feel that I can't handle something, I just stay home unless it is church. God is still great regardless of what happens in my life. He loved Kashmir just as much or more than I did. My church family is a big part of my support system. It never occurred to me that Kashmir could die. I just knew we would get through this and live out her dreams. I am saddened by the fact that she won't be around for anything anymore. I miss her smile. She was quite the character so I have loads of funny memories. Sometimes I laughed so hard at her that I physically hurt. Everything seems to remind me of her or a story about her. I was never the type of person who got super emotional. I internalize stuff. I can't do that now. It was brought to my attention that I was avoiding dealing with her death. I thought that I was doing a good job, but it was true. I was pushing the pain aside and focusing on others with all my might. I embrace the pain now. Sure, it really hurts. Sometimes I hurt so bad that I can't explain it. Other days I am great. I just wish it was not like a roller coaster ride. I am proud of the young lady my daughter turned out to be. She was kind, generous, loving and determined. I was lucky to have her in my life for 20 years. What a blessed woman I am.

Jun 14, 2011
Karen Custy

I lost my daughter in November of 2010 and she was only forty years old. She fought a hard battle over cancer and finally her body could take no more. She left behind an eight year old son and a husband. They are struggling without her as we all are. Eight weeks ago, my husband got a call that he never expected saying that his son had passed away unexpectedly. He was thirty five. For both of us to have lost a child within six months was devastating but God never gives us more than we can handle. We rely on each other more than ever. We talk more about our children and what their legacy is that they left to the world. I couldn't have gotten through any of this without him. I know my daughter and his son are watching down and guiding us towards our healing but it will take a long time. Our lives will never be the same.

Jun 15, 2011
Karen R.

Greetings everyone. Thanks to everyone for always willing to listen and be non-judgemental. My heart will forever be broken.

Hello Ann, just wanted to tell you that you are not "ranting", we all understand and would NEVER take it that way. I am sorry that anyone has to experience this magnitude of pain. Hello Lazondral, your daughter has a beautiful smile! I hope that one day the faith that I had will be renewed. I am so angry, I feel that my once strong faith has all been in vain. I took for granted that all of my children would outlive me, not the other way around. I keep trying to think of a way to "FIX" this! I am still hoping that this has all been one huge mistake. You would be surprised about some of the crazy thoughts I have. I just feel so frustrated because I simply want my son back. You are right about this being a crazy roller coaster ride. I know that I am supposed to be grateful for the 21 yrs I have had my son but I guess I am selfish, 21yrs is way too soon for me! The bottom line is no parent wants to bury their child no matter how old they are, no matter what the circumstances are. Hello Karen C., I am so sorry to hear about the loss of you and your husband's children, how devastating. I hope that your grandchild can provide you with some type of comfort.Even though my son was only 21yrs old, I wish he had a child before he passed away, I long for that so much now. My son would have been a great dad.

Jun 15, 2011
Lazondral Nelson (Nicole)

I hope that I did not offend anyone. I do not feel that you are being selfish Karen R. No one wants or expects to lose a child. It does seem unfair and unnatural. I never expected Kashmir to get leukemia either. She had never been sick before. That threw me for a loop. It never entered my mind that she would not live. I can't really say that I would do anything different. I did all that I could for her while she was here. She had no doubts of my love for her. I will forever cherish our moments together. I am so emotionally out of whack to begin with, I really did not know how to react. When my sister and I arrived at the hospital that day, I knew that something was different. They had moved her to ICU because she was having trouble breathing. They took forever letting us in was the first clue. Then 2 of her drs rushed us into a room and told us she had passed away 10 minutes before we got there. I felt as if someone had knocked the wind out of me. My sister screamed and hollered more than I did. I was shocked and felt numb. I could only call my pastor and barely got out the words. My middle child and only daughter was dead. How could this happen. I thought I was faithful to God. Surely, He would heal her. He had done so to many others. Kashmir served Him. She proclaimed how good He was and how He kept her throughout everything. I work in the church. I could not understand why. I wanted some answers! The next day was hell on earth. I got up as usual and proceded to go to the hospital as usual. Then I realized it was not a nightmare. I told my pastor 2 days prior to her death that for 3 weeks I had a dream that I would go to the hospital and 2 drs would tell me that she did not make it. I was so terrified. I reached out to a friend and would not say what it was for fear that it would happen. We prayed and I stopped having the dream. My pastor asked what I thought about it because I had not experienced it before. I thought that I was being tormented. I will never forget what he said. He said that maybe God was preparing me for something. The pain I feel is agonizing. I would not wish this on anyone. I acknowledge the pain but choose to focus on the positives. I refuse to become bitter but better. That poison will kill you. I do not do well with a lot of negativity. I hold on to my faith, family and friends for dear life. I have 2 other children that need me here. Kashmir would not want me to stop living. Her motto was "tomorrow is not promised, yesterday is gone ... so live today as if it were your last!" She even had a bucketlist! Cast all your cares on Him for he cares for you. Jesus is the only one keeping me right now. There are many days that He provides the strength to get me through. His grace and mercy follows me everywhere I go. I will never forget Kashmir. No one will ever take her place. She definitely left her mark on this world. I want to do the same. Thank you to everyone who has shared. Keep sharing. You are blessing someone else!

Jun 16, 2011
Kar

LOVE to everyone <3

Jun 16, 2011
Ann Edmondson

Lazondral ~ greetings and I pray you are having a good day. No one really understands leukemia or why some get it and others don't. From what I read about your daughter she had great faith and shared it with everyone. That is her legacy. When I was discussing my son's death with a friend a couple of years back he shared some words with me that I try to hold on to especially on the bad days. He told me that everyone is put on this earth with a special purpose from God. And that when we have completed that task then he will sometimes call that person home earlier than we might want. It sounds as if your daughter had done just that. even now you can see in the picture her love of life and a special glow as an angel. I agree with your pastor when he says that God was trying to prepare you for the death of your daughter. God does many wonderful or unusual things when dealing with his children. I would say the dream you had was unusual but trying to help you prepare for what was to come.

Jun 16, 2011
Karen R.

Greetings Lazondral, sweetheart, you did NOT offend me. Absolutely not! As much as many of us grieve the same is as much as many of us grieve so differently. I, unfortunately, have found no peace. I struggle with the idea of accepting this tragic end to my son's life. I guess accepting it to me, means that it's "OK" and it's really NOT ok with me. I would be a liar if I said it was. I know that all of my anger and pain is not good for my health but I promise you, I can't help it. I am still hoping for some devine intervention to give me peace but it has not come. I wish I had peace, it is taking a toll on me and my children and my family worry about me. It is so hard for me to express to them what I am truly feeling. Sometimes I think if I would reveal some of my thoughts, they would have me committed somewhere. This site is such a good outlet for me. Prior to me losing my son, I used to be happy, I felt so full of life and now I feel so empty, so beat up. Amazingly though, I am able to get up out of bed and be a "mommy" to my child thats in the 1st grade. I believe that she is the one that has kept me from killing myself. I still have thoughts of relieving myself of all of this pain but I would NEVER do it, I will not be that selfish. My children can't handle that added pain and distress. I hope one day I can be comforted by a renewed faith. Thanks again to all who have listened.

Jun 16, 2011
Ammy

My daughter posted these words on her FB, and they just hit me so hard as to how I feel. Maybe you will relate to them too. When will it all come together? We just passed my sons birthday on Tuesday (June 14) and Wednesday it was 48 weeks since he left us. I dread Wednesdays and I wish I could stop counting the time. Next month, July 14 will be one year. I can't believe I made it a year, but it is still so fresh. Almost every morning when I wake up I'm reminded he is not here. I don't hear, 'G'mornin Ma', or 'See ya later', or hear him whistle when he comes in the door to let us know he's home so as not to startle us. Just the simple things I miss so much, and yesterday was my birthday and I cried almost all day because I missed his hug. So these lyrics describe my life right now.

Back and forth, I sway with the wind
Resolution slips away again
Right through my fingers, back into my heart
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark
Sometimes I think I'm blind
Or I may be just paralyzed
Because the plot thickens every day
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away
But I know, there's a picture beneath
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens...
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together
Layin' face down on the ground
My fingers in my ears to block the sound
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight
Droplets of "yes" and "no"
In an ocean of "maybe"
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope of mine
But I know, the equilibrium's there
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together

You are all in my prayers every day even though I'm not on here. I'm so sorry that we all are living in this nightmare. Blessings & hugs.

Jun 17, 2011
Ann Edmondson

Norma - no forgiveness is needed. We all suffer from the same pain -- that of loosing a child before we want to let go. My prayer daily is "God get me through today without a melt-down." Some days I manage quite well. Other days, God says it is time to clean house and deal with some issues. It has bee 4 years since I lost my son, Claude and I still have things that I can't seem to let go of despite how foolish others think it is to hold onto them. I am so thankful for everyone here on this website. At least here I can be myself and talk and others understand. Even my husband has a hard time understanding what I feel. Hugs to all of you. ~Ann

Jun 17, 2011
Lazondral Nelson (Nicole)

A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to celebrate Kashmir's life on monday which is her 21st birthday. I was kind of shocked. I do not want to be at the gravesite. What did you do when your child's birthday came around? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Jun 17, 2011
Ann Edmondson

We celebrate with a party at the local shelter. I call each year to find out ages and number of children that are there. We then get all party supplies and a gift for each child. (We have a store here called Dollar Tree where everything is a dollar. You can go to DollarTree.com and order if you do not have one in your area.) We do the same thing at Christmas. It is a great way to pass along a smile and it was something my son did prior to him going into the Army.

Jun 17, 2011