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Permalink Reply by Morgan C on February 25, 2023 at 2:11pm

10 years two months into losing the crucible of my fire and I just want out.  At 71 I have no need to be here.  I do things to distract myself and that has been a grueling process to get to this space and time where I dont end up in a puddle on the floor but every morning and evening I ask myself why am I still here.  And I don't subscribe to the reasoning that there is some "purpose".. I had purpose.  Now I exist.  It is what it is.  I pretty much stopped writing here a couple years ago because as much as it helped me to get through the first six years or so I just ran out of words to repeat over and over.  I pop in once in awhile but there is no way to describe or constantly explain the vacuum.....the abyss.......the hole.  BTW,  after eight years I was finally diagnosed with something called psychogenic seizures and it sort of helped as I realized I wasn't really mental, or abnormal but my grief/loss/sorrow definitely showed up in a physical sense.  When they come on me from a trigger (and that can be something that a I remember or someone else says or...) I at least know now what to expect and how I get through them.  Grief is underrated and understated but until you have to actually experience it you could never possibly understand.......