It has been over 2 years since my son's father and my boyfriend had passed away suddenly in a car crash. I don't think that there is a day where I don't think about him, especially when my son is taking on looks that he looks like a splitting image of his Dad. It still hurts, and I still have dreams about him. 

However, I want to let people know that your life can get better. You have to make the decision to carry on. I have motivation in my son to be able to not dwell in our sorrows. He was the greatest motivation for me to 'get better'. I can't say that in this point in my life, I can even understand why he is gone, and wonder how different my life would be if he were still here. I grieve the loss of that life, and grieve the loss my son has gone through. Most major decisions in my life and my son's, I wish he were still here to talk to and share his thoughts with me. There are days I still cry. The other day, I came across the t-shirt of his that I had borrowed and wore to the hospital when we had our son. It's always random things that catch me off guard, and knock me back.

However, I have decided that I am still here. My son is still here and needs me to be a good mother, especially since he is lacking the presence of his father in his life. I often wonder if I didn't have my son, how I would have gotten past this. I like to think that I would have found a reason to want to live, and be well. 

I have so many 'what if's' that will never be answered, and I have to be okay with that, because that is what life is. I just have to be okay with never knowing the answer.