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Permalink Reply by Tony Chipper on February 1, 2013 at 8:40pm

My deepest condolences to you on your loss.  Additionally, I'm very sorry to hear that your other best friend is ill.  Here is a short list of what I think are good suggestions for someone beginning the grieving process:

1. Don't give up on yourself.  This is hard.  This might be the hardest thing you ever did.

2. Don't be surprised at your emotions or actions.  You're not crazy, you're going through something really painful.

3.  Seek professional help if needed. 

4.  Talk to other people who

a) knew your loved one

b) are familiar with the grief process

c) are familiar with some similar type of loss (that's us)

Julia,  you took the first best step, you looked to find help here.  I'm really proud of you.  To explain how I found myself here, I'll tell you about who I lost.  I met a young lady in high school and fell in love with her.  I don't know if she knew I was in love with her.  She had a baby with someone else while we were still in high school.  I was still in love with her and continued to be her friend.  She married someone else.  I was still in love with her and we stayed friends for almost twenty-five years.  

In May 2009 I found her on Facebook and we discovered ourselves to be living five minutes from each other.  She came over, she came back, she stayed over then stopped going home.   It was the happiest time in my life.  In October of 2011, she got really sick and died.

I was devastated, but because I am a male in a Western society, I believed that my responsibility to myself and everyone else, was to be "strong."  You can't be strong while you're broken.

Grief is difficult and everyone grieves differently.  I would suggest that you be patient with yourself and allow yourself to go through the grief process.  Sometimes I felt like I couldn't go on.  Sometimes I felt like nothing would work.  I'm not "over her" but I am learning to live with her loss.

Again, be patient with yourself and try different approaches toward dealing with your loss.  If something doesn't work, don't give up on yourself, just realize that some processes and people are different.  That's why there are different kinds.  If there was one thing you could tell someone grieving or one book you could read or one group you could join, we would all point you in that direction.  It doesn't exist and losing someone very close to you will sting for quite a while, so be ready.

I wish you the absolute best from the bottom of my heart.

Permalink Reply by Debbie-lee on February 3, 2015 at 4:23am

Hi julia, i so sorry for your loss, i to lost my boy friend 3 weeks ago. i feel your pain

Deb