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Permalink Reply by Mark on February 10, 2013 at 9:05pm

Hello Nadine,

 

First of all, I am so sorry for your losses. I don't know where to begin. I should say that you at 19 have had to endure something that I think many people 2 or 3 times your age have never endured, and may never have to - losing two people so close together (one after the other).

 

I will let you know my scenario Ive gone through and I hope there is something in there that helps you.  I lost both my father and then my mother in the first 6 months of 2012.  My dad was terminal with cancer - which was discovered and deemed terminal - from about August of 2011. After he passed in early 2012, we then were working through life without him - barely - and my mom passed away suddenly.

She had made comments to me such as - in the time after my dad passed - that .."well....you have me" (as a comfort); I truly appreciated that, and it didn't bring back my dad, but there was something there.. I was very sad at Dad's passing; I tried to figure out ways to work through it; I only wish I had known about grief counsellors, and that they are in the community in a lot of cases - through hospice.

When mom passed, I was a mess. I had been close with both of them , and now they were both gone. My world felt out of balance. I have gone through going to a religious minister, counselling (grief - through hospice), my doctor.

 

I don't know of any one thing that has helped exclusively. There have been family friends I have been able to have a listening ear from to some degree; the grief group helped tremendously. I'm now coming up on one of my parent's 1st birthday since they passed. This in a way is one of the "last" firsts since they both passed.

 

I still have days I just breakdown crying. I still at times look at their pictures and feel just drained. The last few days (and I'm btw not giving a ton of specifics as I might say something that someone who knows me reads this and doesnt agree with my view) I have been able - a bit - to look ahead. It has been a very very challenging journey since their passing. my mom;s passing - the latter of the two - hit me probably even harder.

 

For people who still have both parents, they are fortunate. I valued so much time I spent with them. It still hurts missing them; I have "some" comfort in knowing I did make sure I was there as much as I could. But I still miss them.

 

The one thing I have accepted - unfortunately - is there are many people who just don't get it; it being the mourning, the sadness doesn't just flip off like a light switch.

 

I chalk that lack of understanding up to several factors: some people naturally are not very emotional; some people can't relate to a loss like this; some people don't have strong relationships with parents (now or in the past). Some people just don't get it, and the sooner I began to accept that, the less stress I had in my world trying to push through this - not worrying about the people who just don't get it. 

 

I hope something I've said helps.  My thoughts are with you.

 

M