What to do when miss your child so bad it seems to take the pride out your heart?

I'm sorry for all of you losses and my loss is a little unique in that my baby was born early at 26 weeks and lived 2 whole healthy weeks she breathed on her own and then died of a illness in her intestines two days after Easter in 2009.  I chose to take my baby of life support and it was a choice made out of love.  My baby died in my arms in the breast feeding room listening to the song she would dance to in my tummy. Everyday I go through motions that seem to give others the impression that I doing great I have a 4.0 GPA in Med school and I am a leader in Girl & boy scouts.  But there never was a time for me to show how bad inside I'm hurting.  In the fear that my other children will be upset, or people might feel I'm crazy.  I tried to go to a grief group and a woman called me a murderer for taking my baby off life support.  I chose to fight when she got sick we tried everything I said I will fight as long as she wants to keep fighting but when her body gave up and she said in her eyes mommy im in pain and I'm tired I said ok and to go be with Jesus.  The doctor kept saying we are doing all you can but your baby is in the process of dying and I prayed with her and told them to take everything off her and I will hold her at first I was scared too because I knew it was time to say goodbye, but I did not shed a tear.  i told her I would see her again and how much I loved her and so sorry I was.  An she gasped too times and I jumped then the doctor came in the room and said she had passed in my arms.  I just want my baby back....just for a moment.

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Hi DeShawna, I'm so sorry for your loss.  We are all in pain here in one form or another.  Each loss is unique to that person/family.  You need to be able to grieve.  You can't keep it all bottled up inside.  It really isn't healthy.  I lost my son at the age of 41, and unlike you I had years of knowing and loving him, but I don't think our time with our children affects our love for them.  The last line you wrote really tore at my heart as I know that desire every day.  I pray for time with him.  Even if it would be in a dream.  I'd love to be able to say good-bye to him and tell him one last time how much I love him, but that's never going to happen except in my mind.  You need to let yourself feel the grief and remember that you did the best for her that you could do.  I pray you will find some comfort and peace.

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