I AM MORE ANGRY THAN EVER BEFORE! I have had many reasons to be angry in my 52 years. Cheating husbands, lying "friends", inability to take pain from one of my 3 boys, and most certainly the passing of my youngest, my baby Jamey. But I am so mad right now that it is a living animal I keep fed with tears. My beautiful boy, my Jamey, was an organ donor. He became an organ donor because both his father and I are heart patients. His Dad had a massive heart attack that he actually died of before he was revived. It was for well over a month that we were at his bedside praying he would survive. I have had 2 open-heart surgeries, 2 heart attacks that resulted in more damage to my heart. Jamey wanted to make sure that if either one of us needed it, we would have his. Now what would make him think that in order for us to get his heart, he would still be walking around. Neither one of us said anything to him, but there was no way in hell we would be able to acccept that kind of gift from him had we ever needed them. But, that was the kind of person he was. And still is because there are 3 men walking this earth. 3 men that, thanks to my son, get to see this Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. They get to spend time with their families. And Jameys' 3 children will struggle in 2 weeks to even acknowledge his birthday, much less these holidays. They don't get to go to his permanent bed and read his name, epitaph, and his dates. There is no one from his long list of family or longer list of friends who have the money we need, even as a whole, to buy his headstone. Am I wrong for not giving him one of lesser cost and save the money for the one he really deserves? The thing that worries me about that is what if I pass before I have the money. Then who will put up the "right one"? It's been made plain to me that it is all my resonsibility. The "woman" who called herself his wife before his laying down now says she isn't now nor has ever been his wife. She has NO problem taking every single cent she can get now. But I've asked her to help me with the headstone. She said no, that she needed all the money for the kids. I would have believed that had I not seen her on her Facebook page telling everyone that she's going shoe shopping and getting tattoes and new clothes while her kids, one my direct grandson, hasn't seen new clothes since the day before we lay Jamey down.

But in actuality, that hasn't made me nearly as mad as finding out that the recipients of Jameys' gifts are not being told that their donor, the reason they are able to enjoy those holidays, doesn't have a marker. Now, would you, in all honesty, want to know that little detail about the person you are so grateful to for your life? I have letters from 2 of the 3 recipeints. They are extremely grateful and effusive but they don't get to know who the donor is or anything about him that doesn't match thousands of other men, should they wish to Google all the clues. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for them to get the call that a donor match had been found. This was just before Thanksgiving. I can't begin to think about the celebrating that was done around their family tables that day. And every single Thanksgiving for the rest of our lives will have nothing to be thankful for.

So yeah, I am mad. I am angry. I am furious. And I am hurt to the core of my being. I don't begrudge those men their lives. I just hope that one day they WILL finally "know" my son, my Baby Boy, James Earl Lutz. The man we call Jamey.