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NUMBBBBBB!!!!!!! TOO PAINFUL LOSING MY DESTINY
I am a parent who's HEART HAS BEEN RIPPED OUT. On April 9, 2012, my daughter Destiny Monee Smith died, due to smoke inhalation. She was staying at her bEST friends house that night when it happened. In my mind, I keep trying to figure out how I could have changed that night, but I can't. I WISH I TOLD HER NO THAT NIGHT!!!!!! When the police officers came to give us the news, I FAINTED!!! NOT MY BABY!!!!GOD, NOT MY ANGEL!!!! That was the worse day in my life. I WANTED TO SEE HER, BUT I COULDN'T. Can you imagine the officers asking you for dental records? It never occured to me until later on. I was NUMB!!!! I'M STILL NUMB. I can go for days without crying and then it hits me like a weight of bricks. When we had Destiny's Memorial service, everyone wore jeans and a RIP Destiny Shirt with her picture on it, SWAGG STYLE THE WAY SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT. It was a joyous celebration, not a funeral. I tell people not to say funeral around me because funerals to me represent sadness and gloom...to me. But when I think of a celebration, it's a celebration of the life of that person. Her pictures were everywhere around the front of the church. Her classmates and teachers had made a display with her BB Jersey#11 Quinton Wildcats, her cookie monster, and all her classmates signed her desk. I even had 2 pretty doll babies that wore 2 of her outfits that she wore as a baby. Oh, it was a sight to see...and sooo many people came to her celebration service. People were so affected by her death and she didn't even know it. Her story was in the news-paper all week up until her celebration. We realeased blue and white balloons afterwards. Her favorite color was BLUE. It seems like, I can't go to a resturant without ppl stairing at me...as to say under their breath"(THAT'S THE LITTLE GIRL'S MOM WHO DIED IN THE FIRE)". I HATE THAT!!!!!STOP STAIRING AT ME...COME UP AND GIVE ME A FREEEEEEGGGIIIINNN HUG DAMN IT!!!!!I Even had a girl whisper under her breath to another lady...then gonna SMILE IN MY FACE...YOU FAKE@#*$@!!!!!! NO 1 REALLY KNOWS HOW I FEEL IF THEY HAVEN'T LOST A CHILD, NO 1. I hate it when I'm driving down the street and out of no where, here comes the tears............THEY SAY THAT IT TAKES TIME, BUT I DOUBT IT. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THE FACT THAT DSTINY IS GONE, NEVER....I'm ANGRY< HURT< MAD< UPSET< SCARED< CONFUSED<IN DISBELEIF<INRAGED<WANT TO BE VINDICTIVE, BUT CAN'T.......i'M AN EMOTIONAL TRAIN WRECK READY TO CRASH. I know that I have a son age 17 that I have to live for and a husband, but I CAN BEARLY LIVE FOR MYSELF....LET ME BE...LET ME GRIEVE!!!!! Waking up each and everyday and she not be here is VERY DIFFICULT. This is still FRESH and RAW to us. The outside support groups are wonderful, but I'm so glad that my mom found this website for me. I LOVE HER FOR THAT. My mom is a trooper. She told me that she is here for me, but there is just some things that only GOD will be able to handle. It's like, I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO TELL HER GOODBYE:-( Even though I don't have a grave site to go to, I HAVE HER HERE WITH US, ON THE BUREAU, HER SPOT, IN A BEAUTIFUL GOLD AND TIFFANY BLUE URN WITH SEAGULLS ON IT. I COULDN'T DRESS MY BABY FOR THE LAST TIME. I HAVE TO REMEMBER HER THE WAY I LEFT HER THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE DIED, PRETTY, AND FULL OF LIFE, ALWAYS HAD THAT BIG BEUATIFUL SMILE...A REFLECTION OF ME:-) I MISS HER SOOOOOO MUCH, HOW DO I GO ON WITHOUT MY BABY DESTINY. HOW DO WE DO IT? I KNOW GOD IS OUR STRENGHTH AND ALL THAT, BUT.......I WANT MY BABY GIRL AND I WANT HER WITH ME NOW:-(
Views: 273
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jessica Berninzon on
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Im so very sorry for your loss , my child was just 18 and same i was not allowed to see her they had to do a horrid autopsy , and her case was under homicide investigation i honestly don't think we can do it as in function i exist and barely that i have to i have other older children , grand children and amber sister only 14 still living at home with me im a single mom amber's dad is incarcerated a total loser from hell that's a whole different story i also do not believe t gets better for the first two months i was in s chock i could barely function i suffred a stroke last month or a mini one is what they called it , kinda put me back into reality in the sense that i had to figure out what or how to do better and take better care of myself Sarah was still here and she needs me more then ever she lost not only her sister but her best friend i think maybe the way we manage is to come to these groups and vent and share and scream cry comfort and i also think this will be how we get by till our time comes and we can be with our child and loved ones again. again.im sorry again for your loss i honestly can say i know how you feel and i do not wish it on my worst enemy good night ..till next time Jessica
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Permalink Reply by Davita Coley on
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jessica, we know how each other feels, not being able to see ur baby, but i we have to remember our children how they were, beautiful:-) These have been the most exciting 13yrs. in my life with my daughter. I will keep ur family in my prayers...(((((((JESSICA))))))))...HUGGSSSS...
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Permalink Reply by Grace on
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Davita... I am glad you found this site too... thanks to your Mom.... all of us have lost a child... it is 3 years since I lost my 14 year old son.... It still is very painful.... but I have to give you hope that there are some days that are better than others.... You will have some good days.... but for now being so soon .... it is a very RAW PAIN.... I wish there was something any one of us could say to make it better... but we have all been there... and we still have our pain even years later...... AND there are NO WORDS that can change the fact that we will never see our child again and experience what we have been robbed of.......
We all must go on because the option of not leaves this raw pain of losing this child and then you to your 17 year old and your husband.... You need to wake up everyday and just breathe to get through the day..... try to stay alive..... FOR THEM..... and eventually you will do things to make your life get back on track. IT IS GONNA BE HELL..... but Please keep putting one foot in front of the other... and Yes you will Cry 1million or even a BAZILLION Tears.... Your nose is gonna snot up so much you won't be able to breathe except through your mouth.... And you can not get around your grief... you have to get THROUGH it. I hope this group helps you.... but we all are here because this is a HELL no one can ever understand without having this happen to them. AND Yet we can ponly listen because we can't take the pain away.... it is real.... the only thing I can say about this misery is that Your Love for your daughter is shed with every tear you cry.... and there is a lot of Love with our child.... so there is gonna be a Lot of tears. PEACE
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(((((((((GRACE))))))))....hugs to u:-)
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Oh Davida, I am so very sorry for you loss, it is the worse pain anyone can go through. I have lost 2 children, and life is so very unfair.......I just take one moment at a time, not even the whole day.....go slow, and to hell with what people say. People that have not gone through this pain, are just ignorant and right now I could care less about them....I go to Compassionate Friends (just once , for it is held only once a month) and at least all the people there get this. I am hoping , eventually that I will meet new people and have a friendship from at least one person there......I want my sons back, I do know how you feel, just keep coming here and expressing your feelings for it helps to journal your feelings. I know if only people would NOT talk, and just hug you , that is so much better than them saying stupid things..I am once again so sorry for your loss and allllllllll the people on here. Please know you are in all of our hearts, please take care.......
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thank you lynn...i will definantely keep you in my prayers(((((((LYNNE))))))))):-)
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