I lost my 18 yr old son, Johrdan, on June 20, 2011 in an alcohol related car accident in which my nephew was driving. They were supposed to be home while I was at work. I had never had problems with my son before, he had just graduated the month before on his 18th birthday. He graduated with a scholarship to our local community college, and plans to begin culinary school in the fall. But he was angry with me b/c I had asked him to watch his younger siblings that night. Something that had never been a problem before, but he was struggling with being 18 and trying to cut loose from the home strings. Also my nephew had moved in with us from California due to behavorial problems at home, so he was having a bit of a negative influence on Johrdan. Also very unusual as Johrdan had never been a follower or one to break under peer pressure. But being angry at me I guess got the better of him and they chose to break our house rules and the law. At some point Johrdan left the house and called my nephew to come pick him up. Both heavily intoxicated, Johrdan was vomiting out the passenger side window and my nephew swerved at that time, hitting a construction sign on Johrdan's side breaking his neck and killing him instantly. I received the phone call at 1:46am to come right away. He was pronounced dead @ 1:50 am and nothing in my life has been the same since. I can't breathe when I think about it too long. Especially knowing he died mad at me. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and loss. It is a lonely feeling. My nephew has been in jail since that day. He's been charged with motor vehicle homicide w/aggravated DUI and manslaughter w/aggravated DUI. Each sentence carries a 1-20 penalty, but he can only be found guilty of one or the other. His mom is my best friend of 16 years, she's my sister to the end. We met when the boys were 2. It has been hard for both of us, but we're sticking together. Things are bad enough without losing my best friend and sister. We are supporting Bryan *my nephew*, it is difficult some days but Bryan didn't do this alone and I have to accept all of the facts whether I want to or not.

I miss my son. I miss our relationship. I miss knowing he was safe and sound. I miss my life. I miss not feeling like this all of the time. I miss sleeping. I miss not crying. I miss his laughter and his music and his compassion and his hugs. I just miss my son </3