Lost my only child

My world was turned upside down almost 2 months ago. My daughter, my only child was killed in an auto-accident. She was 27, with a bachelors degree in Education. I was so proud of her. She was the only beauty in my life. She was so beautiful, I couldn't believe how pretty she was. Receiving that dreaded call about the accident that Monday morning at work was just so surreal. I didn't know how to act. I know I felt tears come down my face but I couldn't cry. I refused to beleive it was her. The days following are just a blur. I miss her so much, I just want to hear her voice so bad, I want to hold her, talk to her. I want so much to dream her. I still haven't been able to cry for her. It just doesn't seem real. I'm terrified to give in. Giving in will make it REAL. I'm a single parent; her father was absent her whole life. It was just her and I only. My immediate family has been very supportive but I'm alone in this; in so many ways. I'm not married and "my" little family is no more. I can't have anymore children and I will NEVER have grandchildren. My faith has become almost Non-existent!!!!! And I feel no one understands!!!! People keep comparing my grief to their grief of losing a parent. I don't see the connection????? When I start to have episodes I try SO HARD to repress them. I try to think or do something else to make me laugh. It's not fair!!!! I'm getting ready to start grief counseling. I'm so scared. The word "Alone" has a new meaning for me now in so many ways.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kim on August 6, 2014 at 6:33am

hi Rachel, im kim I to lost my beautiful son 9 months ago now. hes my only child to. I know your unbearable pain, I hurt so bad and cry day and night. I keep telling my self he will come back to me, that's the only way I can  get up and move. im so very sorry for your loss, I have found in here people are in the same pain as we are, and they so understand. I to feel empty, lonely and want so bad to go with him, shawn is and always will be the love of my live, I have lost friends in the last few months , they say I bring them down,  well at first it hurt bad but now I just say  ( pick one of yours to go )  that seems to do it.  I have not had a dream in 9 months , I beg shawn every night to come to my dreams, but nothing yet. I don't smile, laugh or anything any more, I just want to be with shawn,   we can talk if you want to, please take care  hugs  kim

Permalink Reply by Connie K on August 18, 2014 at 5:25pm

My dearest Rachelle I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Yes my world has been turn upside down as well since I lost my only child. Inside out and smashed to the ground. Losing an only child is so hard because all of our attention and love was directed at their life. My husband told a therapist the other day when asked if he sees the glass half full or half empty that he doesn't feel like he has a glass. Not that we don't love each other but everything we have worked for and built our lives around is gone. No dreams of playing with grand children or sharing all those wonderful and important life events with our children. Not only was his life taken, but our future as well. My circumstances have left me with no job right now, feeling like a failure, depressed, not taking car of myself right and that leads to feeling even worse. I can't think about the enormity of the loss, I have to stay in the moment. The only thing that makes me feel better in a weird way is that I also lost 2 children in vitro. One quite far along in the pregnancy. I had already named her , Emily Rose. My only child is now with his 2 sisters. I feel so all alone but try to keep my faith in the fact that there is more to us than this body and mind. There has to be. Otherwise I could not bear it.

Permalink Reply by Vicki on September 18, 2014 at 12:43pm

Hi Rachel.  I know exactly how you feel.  I was a single parent and in a family of two and I lost my son.  I am so alone, bereft, lonely, the pain is killing me.  At least I wish it would.  Even though you are alone, I am sharing your experiences.  No help I know, there is no help.  Just a long empty future.

Permalink Reply by Connie K on September 18, 2014 at 6:46pm

Vicki I am so sorry for your loss. I to lost my only child. I am here if you ever need to talk. I couldn't get onto your profile page so friend request me please. Hugs to you.

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