I was a mamma's boy growing up. She was the one person who I felt never judged me. To give a little back story, when I was 1 a dog attacked me and partially severed my tongue and severely damaged the left side of my face, my lip, my ear, and put a hole in the right cheek. Kids can be cruel growing up when you are scarred and you can't speak like a normal person. My own family wasn't much better. However, my mom was always there. Never made me feel less than. I have since had multiple surgeries and you can barely tell that I have ever been disfigured. Im 32 now and live as normal a life as you can. The issue though was when I was 13, my mom just up and left the family. I didnt see her for almost 3 years. This is the one person that I connected with in this world. The one person who never judged me. I was heart broken. I felt like it was my fault she left, that she finally couldnt deal with me either. When she did come back in my life she was an alcoholic and on meth. Her life took her to such a place that I barely recognized who she was. We only talk maybe 2-3 times a year all the way until I was 25. Then 4 months before her untimely death she got clean. I finally felt like I was getting my mother back. I saw her 3-4 times a week. I was starting to heal old wounds that I have kept inside. Then her old life came back to her. One night she went home and she was met by a man. He brutally beat her and raped her. It was so bad that 2 days later she died from the injuries sustained.  It's been 6 years. I miss her terribly but I also feel like I will never fully heal now. These wounds I have had since a kid are just stuck in me. I have abandonment issues now. I just feel like everyone I get close to is going to leave so I get close to no one. I don't know how to get past these issues because the one person that could help is no longer here. She was taken from me in the most horrible fashion. The other thing is we have no clue who did this to her. It kills me knowing he walks the streets. I feel so angry with myself that I am sad that she is gone but I feel like I am almost more sad she is gone because now I can't heal than I am because she was murdered. I feel like that is a messed up emotion to have. How can I even think that way?