It has been a while since I visited this sight. It has been two plus years since my husband died, and I am now in a calmer state. Now, I just wait for death, and, for the first time, I am not afraid of it. It seems as I head for my 78th birthday, I am ready to say that I lived a "kick ass" life, and I am ready to say good bye to this place and move to the next life that God has promised. The pain and ache that I have endured this past two years is probably the worse torture I could ever imagine. Some people move on and make a new life, but that has not happened for me. I have made new friends and joined groups, but, when I return home, the emptiness awaits. I can hear the silence; I can "feel" the loneliness.
I see all my friends running to the doctor for every test to prolong their lives, and I know, as widows, they are lonely and sad like me. I wonder why they want to stay here and endure the endless ache for their loved one. They all tell me how sad they are, but yet they want to continue on. Me, I am wishing for it to end now. I remember that song phrase: "those were the days my friend; I thought they would never end" - but they did end!
The days now are just, for me, a waiting game. My hope now is to join my husband.
Hopefully, this is not too much of a "downer", but I am beginning to feel "old" and I feel blessed to have had the life I had. My life really began when I married my husband, so it seems like this life now is shallow and empty.
So, every day, I wait.
