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Today is his birthday
Today was my husband's birthday, and it has been exactly 18 months since he died.
I sat and looked at his picture, wished him happy birthday, laid down in the bed and cried for at least a half hour. I could remember all the birthdays we celebrated, all the silly cards, the cakes, and how we laughed. He always said, "don't worry" I am going to stay around until I am one hundred! I told him today that this was the only promise he ever broke to me and it was the only one that really mattered!
My daughter came over and said that her IPad gave her a reminder, "don't forget to call Dad for his birthday". She has forgotten to remove it from her calendar. She said, "Mom, had can Dad just not be here anymore?" It is heartbreaking when you have to face that horrible question. Facing the fact that the most important person in your life has just vanished, gone for good, and is not returning is a feeling that cannot be described in words. It can only be felt in one's heart - I feel it as an ache in my chest.
I miss him so much today and every day. I am glad this day is ending in a few hours. I fear holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays since they add another layer to to the pain of loss. They add to the longing for love, companionship, trust, and all the wonderful things a beloved spouse brought us.
Maxey
I sat and looked at his picture, wished him happy birthday, laid down in the bed and cried for at least a half hour. I could remember all the birthdays we celebrated, all the silly cards, the cakes, and how we laughed. He always said, "don't worry" I am going to stay around until I am one hundred! I told him today that this was the only promise he ever broke to me and it was the only one that really mattered!
My daughter came over and said that her IPad gave her a reminder, "don't forget to call Dad for his birthday". She has forgotten to remove it from her calendar. She said, "Mom, had can Dad just not be here anymore?" It is heartbreaking when you have to face that horrible question. Facing the fact that the most important person in your life has just vanished, gone for good, and is not returning is a feeling that cannot be described in words. It can only be felt in one's heart - I feel it as an ache in my chest.
I miss him so much today and every day. I am glad this day is ending in a few hours. I fear holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays since they add another layer to to the pain of loss. They add to the longing for love, companionship, trust, and all the wonderful things a beloved spouse brought us.
Maxey
Views: 125
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on
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Dear Maxey,
Reading your post made my heart ache. As you note, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays add another layer of pain and yearning to the suffering we face everyday. It was my husband's birthday last month, so I know very well how you dreaded facing this day and how the day was spent: in tears and in laying in bed most of the day. What torture this is! Losing a beloved spouse is such an irreparable loss, one that others who have not faced it don't understand.
For me it's been more than two and a half years since Joseph died, and not a day goes by when I don't feel deep sadness and pain that he is forever gone. So I understand your anguish and empathize with the thought that this day is ending soon.
Hang in there and take comfort in the happy memories that you shared. Let those memories give you strength and help bring some peace.
Sending you thoughts of healing and peace. Hugs, Trina
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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on
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Maxey,
I cry for my Husband everyday and he has been gone 4 years. He was my everything and now I am nothing just waiting to join home.
Linda
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Permalink Reply by M Adams on
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Thanks for talking about birthdays, Maxey -- my husband's birthday is coming in a few weeks, the first since he died, and it is so much on my mind. Earlier I thought that would be the time for a memorial gathering but I still can't face that kind of activity. I have a photo of him from last birthday in the living room and a smaller copy by the bed...they are comforting, beautiful and full of life. although also in a way that is painful. I am okay with being sad -- as the months go by I find it less acceptable to show it as I can see that it is a great burden to those around me, and I do think my brain is recovering some equilibrium which lets me behave a bit more normally. I'm sure my husband would be glad about that, as he was very compassionate and considerate of other people's feelings. I would like to do something on his birthday to honour him -- he was such a celebrater and always called his birthday Richard's Resurrection. Yet I can't find it in myself to do celebratory or even social things. Maybe I will plant something on that day. Sorry for rambling -- your post touched on something that is so meaningful, though I guess the issues these special days on the calendar raise for the bereaved have no one-size-fits-all solution.
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