Annette's been dead just under eight months. My grieving hasn't stopped. I try but I keep getting worse mentally and physically. My groin has swollen more and now due to the fluid build its reaching past my knees. Grotesque doesn't come close to the sight of my misshapen body. I am a freak who is stared at whenever I manage to find the slight strength to go out.
So it got me to thinking. As homely as I am, as disgusting as I have become, I remember those three words my wife and I lived with each day.
"I love you."
Those three words, so important we sometimes never give it a single thought. I realized, with my body failing despite the medication I managed to buy, I will never be the same. We are creatures who thrive on affection, love, compassion. Take those away and life isn't worth living.
So I realized that Annette is not around to tell me "I love you". To make a broken down, withering away 53 year old think he's of some value to someone. A wife, a husband. We want to hear their voice say " I love you" I forgive you" and "we'll never be apart again".
Those words, spoken we will never hear again until we're reunited with the one who is gone. Until then, some of us will re-marry (out of loneliness), some will get past the loneliness and fear and live out their days in some form of happiness or at the very least learn to cope and accept what life has taken away.
For myself, I am trying to live without pain 24/7 as my heart fails to pump out bodily fluids the way it should. I am seeing a doctor finally and if he can at least reduce my pain, the when my time comes, I can leave this plane of existence without the agony I endure every second of every minute of every day I am conscious.
So I will with faith, hear Annette's words once more. Ask her to forgive this poor excuse of a husband, to tell me she still loves me and that this time we'll never be apart.
Then we can sit and watch the sun set, watch the sailboats under a cool summer breeze sail by and holding each other.
That's real living. Better than what we endured here. Being poor, hungry, and suffering physical ailments that got the better of us each day.
That's when "I love you" are the best three words I remember. Think about that. Really think. Three words that can sum up a human being's life. We're loved, we're wanted and someone actually likes to hold us.
