Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by O.L. Cato on March 21, 2016 at 8:13am

My husband died two days after Christmas...yesterday was his birthday.  In less than two weeks will be our anniversary. It only gets worse with time.  We were together 24/7.  He had COPD but mercifully he had an easy death.  (if death can be easy) He fainted, the medics took him to the ER and he died a bit over an hour later without regaining consciousness.  He never knew I was with him.  He ,looked like he was sleeping.  I feel as if my life is over.  At least there is no first wife to have to battle with.  I am battling with the controllers of his pension.  I am his beneficiary.  They are taking so much time whereas they said it would only be a few days.  John would have fits over that. My life is lonely without John.  I had always hoped we would go together.   This is a good site, my children don't want me to talk about their father, it makes them uncomfortable.  At least I can talk here to people who understand. Bless us all.

Permalink Reply by Cydney Oliver on March 21, 2016 at 11:51pm

There are a lot of firsts without him that scare the crap out of me right now. My brain understands the difficulties and sources of support. My heart is on a wild rampage without him. There are moments when I was glad I was with him, and as I said before, there are moments that haunt me. I don't know what to do with myself without him either. It is lonely. I leave the TV on 24/7 in the living room just so it isn't that scary kind of quiet in our home.  I put one foot in front of the other and claim victory. I have pension issues as well - of the health insurance variety. Losing him somehow doubled our premium. It's insane. And probably won't work with my budget now that I carry his share of our budget on my own. 

Permalink Reply by Cydney Oliver on March 21, 2016 at 11:41pm

Thank you Peggy. I hired an estate lawyer and he has done a wonderful job so far. Only doing work I need help with, advising me what I can do on my own. The biggest issue was personal representative papers. That way I got access to accounts where beneficiaries were unknown. Plus my cousin had prepared several items for him and no lawyer was needed for that. I try to remember that it has only been less than 2 months and the overwhelming DAILY list of things to do will get shorter. I get up some days and say to myself - no paperwork today. But then the mail comes and there are things to be dealt with....thank you for the hugs. They really do help me feel connected to something besides stress.

Permalink Reply by Cydney Oliver on April 13, 2016 at 2:07am

Wouldn't a pause button be great! That may be part of my journey. I am responsible for all of the paperwork and red tape. I am fortunate enough to say the only debt we had was from this event. And life insurance has covered most of that. But there is always paperwork. It might have been a distraction in the beginning, but now I feel like it hasn't allowed me time to grieve. And the grief is catching up with me, exhausting me. 

Permalink Reply by Cydney Oliver on April 13, 2016 at 1:44am

Thank you for your thoughts Peggy. I am making headway. Fortunately I have the support of his son, Scott, from his first marriage. I pretty much inform him of any forward progress, trying to keep a sense of transparency perhaps? The first marriage ended a bit on the nasty side. And I have since found out that my husband wasn't honest about that...with all of us. Puts a different spin on things. I have decided, as a human, he made mistakes. That can not color my feelings for him. I adored him and I believe he adored me. We led a pretty charmed life, and I can cherish that. Until then I am just trying to pace myself. Do what I can before I become overwhelmed, then put it on the list for tomorrow.

Permalink Reply by morgan on March 22, 2016 at 11:33am

Cydney,

 I am so sorry that you are having to be here with the rest of us lost souls.  None of us understand what this is like until it actually happens to us no matter how much we think we do.  It is a trauma that happens within us as we are grown together with our spouse.   It is like uprooting a tree that has been growing for centuries.  The roots are intertwined and if we are uprooted the roots die.  

You will be experiencing conflicting feelings looking for the answers of why you?  Why now?  WHy my spouse?  And unfortunately there will be no answers that will give you much to go on.  Unfortunately the pain is part of the love that we had.  

Take small steps. Don't do anything more than what you have to do but try to distract yourself to keep yourself out of the hole.  Tell those who may be left around you you love them and hopefully they will understand how to love you back with your mortal wound.  

I just wanted you to know that someone heard your cries.

morgan

Permalink Reply by Cydney Oliver on April 13, 2016 at 1:57am

Thank you Morgan. Everything you said is true. Not a moment goes by without me pining for him to walk in the door, coming home from fishing. Or at the grocery store. Or at the drugstore. Or anywhere I go. 

He used to tell me he loved me more than the biggest black hole in the universe could hold. Now the grief and pain I feel is more than the biggest black hole in the universe. It reaches depths that a very few can understand.

Trying to stay with the small steps. As an RN, it is in my DNA to help others. Having to say no at times is excruciating, I want to help. But I am the one in need right now. I find any commitment I make I regret because I never know how I will cope in any given situation. My pain and tears of sorrow have no boundaries, I never know when they will make an appearance.

I cry everyday. I miss him every moment. I see no end in sight. Our home is a monument to our love, but also a reminder of everything I miss. Doing my best. Always hoping tomorrow will be better.