Silence

Well, Christmas is over, and my family has returned home. The house is now so silent; I can actually HEAR it! For some reason this quiet makes me even sadder and lonelier than I can imagine. It has been over a year since my wonderful husband of 55 years has passed, and I am now even in more pain that last year. I keep wondering if I am totally abnormal or going insane since I cannot seem to pull out of this depression. I keep hoping to lie down one night and not wake up.
That would actually be a blessing since this life I lead is so empty. I try to get myself involved with activities and friends, but they cannot fill this void that seems to consume me. Everything I do brings me back to thinking of my husband.
When I came in tonight, I called out to him; I wanted to sit down and chat like we used to do. Or just sit and know he was near me.
What can we do when we realize that this is it? Do we just sit and hope to be taken soon? I am 77, and I do not want to be here any longer.
I really don't want to face another Christmas or New Year, so I hope this is the last one.
I wish everyone peace who is sitting and wishing their loved one was next to them.
I so hope our beloveds can hear us when we call their name and tell them how much we love and miss them. That would be some comfort.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on December 30, 2016 at 8:39pm

Linda, (et al)

Beautiful photo.  You look so happy.  Those were precious moments that will never come back.  I'm not even lucky enough to dream about them.  If I do dream I don't remember.  I want to dream about John....to see him again.  I cannot believe I have lived from there to now without John.  He spoiled me rotten, took care of me.  Life does not seem fair does it. 

Permalink Reply by Louise on December 31, 2016 at 10:07am
No it does not seem fair at all. We have this amazing capacity to love so completely, only for that person to be taken away and we are left in anguish without them. What's the point? It all seems so cruel and futile.
Permalink Reply by Elynn m on January 2, 2017 at 12:10am

Maxy,   I have to have some sort of background noise.   It is usually music or the tv.  (Have been watching a lot of Hallmark movies lately.)  Gospel music calms me down.  Sometime I have to take a melatonin or Camomile tea when I'm sitting in the evening.   I sit next to his favorite chair and hope to talk to him.   Just glad that I will see him again in heaven!! But, like you  I have a hard time waiting for that day.   

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on January 2, 2017 at 7:11am

Elynn,

I have a beautiful blanket I ordered on line for Julian's chair.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on January 2, 2017 at 7:29am

Maxey,  My husband died 12/27/15.  A few days past a year ago.  I have NO memory of what I did last New Year's Eve.  NONE.  Again this morning...a few minutes after waking up, the tears started flowing as they always do.  I'll love him till I die.  He was my life.     O.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on January 2, 2017 at 4:46pm

Oleta,

Ditto, on I'll love him till I die. He was my life and soulmate. 

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