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Permalink Reply by JaneS on June 15, 2015 at 6:31pm

Thank you, Naomi, for those words of encouragement. We really don't get many of those on this site. We're mostly all just reeling in our pain.

I'm almost seven months into this and while I think, overall, I am doing better, sometimes it sure doesn't feel that way when I'm crying. I've lost other people in my life but Tom, my husband, best friend and so much a needed life partner, whom I prayed to God for more than 30 years to find, this is creating some of my worst pain ever right now. We'd both rebuilt our lives after very bad steps in our youth and we appreciated what we'd both come through and became. We were so made to find each other. Que the violins!

This is different. This is much, much harder (although losing my mom as a teenager put me into a tailspin that practically ruined my life--it just took about four or five years to surface efore I hit meltdown). I survived that, although my delayed reactions to her loss made the pain of the consequences of the following bad decisions to cause most of the hurt of that time, of my life before this. It was as hard as this--I'm definitely sure of that. I'm just in this now and that was almost 50 years ago. Time does heal pain. Today hurts so much more!

Our pain is "young" and it's "new" and we, as Americans, are not as used to this kind of pain as people from more troubled areas of the world. I know we should feel lucky that this is our "only" pain. People from other areas of the world sadly have had so much more experience with this pain than we have had.

That's not to degrade how we feel "our pain." I'm having as hard a time with this as everyone else at this site. I miss my husband; crying is my new norm. I now have credit problems because I didn't know how to deal with all his bills, and, at six months, they've gone to collection. I'm truly f__k up by his loss, emotionally, financially, and every other way that being awake brings.

I'm just saying that there are so many others who have been through so much pain that, comparatively, we, unlike them, have just not yet learned how to deal with it. That's the hardest part for most of us. I'm desperately trying to learn how to deal with it. I think that fighting to learn how to deal with it is our best sign of early surviving this. If these people can survive all they have been subjected to, then so can we. But it doesn't mean they--nor us--don't feel the pain. We just need to learn to accept the pain as well as they do--we need to survive--and we, living in such a wonderful land, have so many more opportunities to do that. Isn't that a way to move up to honor our beloveds?

I can stand the "weepies" that come throughout the day and are over almost as quickly as they arrive. They are a hassle but survivable. It's the big boohoo moments (always on my own) that drain me and the more often they hit, those put me under for a day or two, or three. But recently I'm now at the point where the big boohoo periods have come a little more often and they seem to have lasted longer.

May was hard. May 10th was my husband's sobriety date--5-10-92. Then the 20th was the six month day. And the 30th was his birthday. I'm coming out of it only to face June 22nd, our anniversary. Then I'm good until November.

November is just a very sad month for me. My mom died on Nov. 16. My best friend died on the 18th, a year to the day after we buried my father (he died on Nov. 6th). And Tom died on the 20th. Lord, get me through November!

But I know Tom and he's up there rooting for me; I'm feeling him giving me his grief when I'm wallowing, and cheering for me to rebuild. Money's tight--he had no health insurance nor life insurance and we had nothing saved away. Such is life for some of us. But I know he's rooting for me, whether I do okay or great--just so long as I'm reaching to doing well, the future.

Naomi, thank you for giving me faith in the future. We're short of that here on this site. Hopefully, we'll all get there sooner than later. Thank you to confirm that we'll all get there. (And forgive for the rant. I live alone, eat alone, and sometimes I just need to rant.) Thank you!!!

Jane

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on July 3, 2015 at 2:27pm

Aloha from Los Angeles.   My family is from Lahaina Maui, and I still have family in Oahu and Maui.  Some of my happiest memories are of my honeymoon back in 2001 on the islands.

I am sorry to hear that you suffered a similar loss of your beloved.  It does help to be here among others who understand how this feels and how it alters your existence and world view.

Take Care!