Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on September 26, 2016 at 9:24pm

April,

I understand, as much as anyone else can, what it's like. My husband died 4 years ago, and September contains our wedding anniversary, the day of his death, and his birthday.  It sucks.  He was only 40 when he died, and I was 43, so I understand not thinking you would be without your soulmate so young, too.

I can't offer any advice about how to get through the anniversary. I basically just cry, then take a sleeping pill and go to bed. Since you have children, maybe spending the day with them would be helpful for you?

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on September 27, 2016 at 8:00am

April,

Today is exactly nine months for me.  It is no easier.  John died two days after Christmas.  Within a few months of my beloved's death was, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day , Valentines Day, Father's Day, his birthday and our anniversary. All one on top of the other.  If I had been lucky I would have gone with John.  I am still here.  Loving him and missing him daily.  He would want me to go on....how do I do that?  I know how you feel.  We were lucky to have been so loved.  I'll love him till I die...and even then.

Permalink Reply by Robin Quinn on September 27, 2016 at 8:03am

What would have been our 30th anniversary is coming up on 10/3 and I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on September 27, 2016 at 9:13am

Robin,

"Our anniversary"  I spent the day alone.  I wanted NO company.   I made a lovely but small dinner.  I put his picture on the other side of the table and lit a candle for him.  I had champagne and toasted our years together and our love for one another and cried many tears.  I talked to him and told him how much I love and miss him......as if he didn't know.

Three months from today, the first anniversary of his death,  I wish to be alone, my son says he wants to be here.  It's going to be a "John" day.  Laughs, funny stories, lots of tears and some Jack Daniels.  I'll get through it.  My son wants to come over when actually I'd rather be alone but you know how it is.  Somehow you will do it.

Permalink Reply by 2zrvrr54q0c9w on September 27, 2016 at 9:28am

April, I offer hugs to you.  October 4th will be the 6th month mark for me, and the 22nd would have been 14 years together.  Both days are going to be hell, this I know.  I am 20 years older than you, but I can tell you that from my perspective, there is no difference in the pain, despair, or loneliness.  I only wish I had a course of action that would heal us both, and renew our lives in an instant.

Permalink Reply by CJ Moore on September 27, 2016 at 11:03am

I wish I had words of wisdom to help ease the pain, but ...I don't. I can tell you what not to do, as I sadly found out. My husband died 10 months ago. Our Anniversary was six months after he died. I thought, I am just going to treat it like any other day. It wasn't just like any other day; it was the day we vowed to love each other in sickness and in health. I learned from that experience though. I now know that each 'event' will be different and that each person needs to honor what is right for them. I like the idea of spending our Anniversary alone and I plan on doing that for our next Anniversary. My son's 17th birthday was yesterday, his first without his Dad. I wrote a short note in his card and I talked about my husband. It was actually a nice birthday for him. I guess we will learn by trial and error, what we can do. To me, the most important thing about a wedding Anniversary is the love which never dies. I have to add though - but when the person dies, it s^cks and hurts!

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on September 27, 2016 at 11:41am

Moore, Robin, April et al,

Our love never dies.  All of the BIG days hurt.  I know the first anniv. of his death will be horrible and I truly would like to spend it alone but could not tell my son NO. 

Really, it hasn't got easier for me.  I belong to a grief group, I do go out with these lovely people and come home and scream.  It's not fair.  John was frail and for five years we stayed mostly at home, mostly alone.  He didn't  mind a bit, my former "Party Doll" husband never complained, NEVER.   So, I feel guilty going out with my friends.  New friends, understanding friends. This is what John would want.  Dec. 27th will be a hard day.  I'll love him till I die.

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Permalink Reply by 0vmytxwpqk0r5 on September 27, 2016 at 1:58pm

My husband passed in December and our 35th wedding anniversary would have been Valentines Day.  You can't avoid Valentines Day even if you try.  

I cannot imagine how more difficult it is with children, I am so sorry for you loss. For our 25th anniversary I had made a small memory book - just a few photos of us as children, high school and a trip we took.  I choose to focus on the positive as there are so many things about him that are special.  I know I was blessed to have him for the time I did. I think about all the things that had to fall into place even for us to have met.  I regret not knowing how my parents met - they are both gone and I really don't know.  It might be something you can do with your children, put together a memory book and share your good memories.  I wish you peace.

Permalink Reply by Fran on September 27, 2016 at 3:26pm

On the first wedding anniversary after he died I actually found a videotape of our wedding. I debated watching it, but did so anyway with our daughter at my side. Between her comments and my commentary of the wedding we laughed and cried our way thru it! For dinner I made my husband's favorite meal. I have encouraged our 2 children to talk about their dad whenever they want. Granted they are in their 20's but having him gone as they start their adult life  has been rough. He was the one they'd go to to get help in filling out job applications and suggestions on how to  make the best presentation during an interview. Our wedding anniversary is coming up next month, again...will I repeat last year? I don't know. The anniversary of his death is in November and whereas last year a friend helped me thru it, this year, she too, is gone..so I really don't know what I'll do. But I figure it's still ok to cry....

Permalink Reply by joanne on September 28, 2016 at 3:07pm

Hello April, I too was with with my Andy for 20 years, I also have 2 children, he was only 42 when our world was shattered 14 months ago, I can't really give you much advise how to get through your anniversary, because Oleta I too wanted to be alone, I sent my children round to their grandparents as I did on Christmas day, I just didn't want to be around anyone, everday is a struggle but special days, birthdays I.e are unbearble.I send you and your children hugs xxxx

Permalink Reply by Ruthie on September 28, 2016 at 3:22pm

 April, If you have a big family--like I do--for example for Thanksgiving my daughter and I are going to pass out empty glass ornaments and have everyone write a favorite story or personality trait of my husbands--then place it inside the ornament.  I can keep the tree and will read to each one to the entire family on Christmas Eve.  It has only been 9 months but we are thinking ahead.  Maybe have  your kids fill a shoe box of what they loved about your relationship together.  Your children were lucky to see such a good relationship:) Take Care,Ruthie