Hi there,

So sorry for all those who have lost someone so close to their heart. I don't like the fact that we all share a reason to be here in this forum!

I hope I am welcome to write here. I didn't lose my husband. I lost my boyfriend but I can't even say he was my boyfriend because one week before he died he broke up with me for his ex- who was in the process of divorcing. I was so heart broken and stunned that I didn't speak to him afterward. He didn't reach out to me either. I never imagined that one week later his good friend would call me with the news that my ex, of one week, had died suddenly.

So it's been 14 months. Those first few months I felt paralyzed. Not only was I barely breathing but I was still processing the break up and I had to see the woman he left me for at all his services. A few weeks later she reached out to me to try to explain herself and "apologize" if she hurt me. It's been deep grief, guilt, shame, humiliation, sadness and so much isolation. No one seems to understand.

People tell me...get over it! He left you! He wasn't your husband! Snap out of it! But I'm really still struggling. I've had some counseling but I feel dead inside most days. I miss him. I doubt he'd want me this messed up because he didn't even want to be with me.

I just needed to vent here in a safe place. I wonder....buy HOW am I supposed to move on. I feel damaged and I don't want another man. I still miss him so much. How am I supposed to miss him my whole life?

Also- his family barely contact me anymore but I hear they keep in touch with the other girl. That hurts me deeply. He was my first love and now I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Not even him since he made the decision to dump me. I'll never get answers.