First of all, it hasn't happened yet. Doctors said that any hour from now it could be the time. My father is at the hospital and I take care of my brother (food, school, etc). I can't sleep and I'm grieving like she's already gone. Other problems occured (I crashed 2 cars in the past 4 days, I can't work or fix up the house I moved into 5 months ago, I can't eat much, concentrate nor sleep and generally I have no schedule or programming in my life. At all. I am 19 and I'm not close to any family members, not even my parents. I feel guilty and responsible for fighting with my mom all these years and for sometimes wishing she would die, even in front of her. I don't want my aunts/unkles or other relatives to try and support me because I never liked them for many reasons. I thought I could talk to my closer friends but I feel like I'll drag them down with me and I don't want to transfer my depressive attitude to anybody. My brother seems to be taking everything a lot better than me, he seems calm. But he's lost interest in almost everything, he just looks lost, pessimistic, depressed and disoriented, kinda like I do but more calm.
I'm not asking for a grief guide but I'd like to know how others deal with their emotions and losses. I can't seem to be able to find a way to adjust. I don't expect to do that right away but I just feel devastated and don't know where to start. I can't think clear.