Just to share a few thoughts.

I just wanted to check in and I notice to those of you still here and that there are a few who are new.  I think that each of us has their own individual way of getting through these dark days and I have my own perspective that I have already mentioned in many discussions before, that I know in my heart my joy in this life is gone as my 'spirit' passed with my husband when he passed away 7 months ago on January 22, 2010.  I am so sorry for all of your sadness and sorrow and I know it's just so unbearable to get through each day, and I also wanted to let you know about a few things going on with me.  A huge issue with my family has been unblocked at least on the surface.  What I'm talking about is that two days ago my brothers and sisters and most of our adult children and their kids actually got together for a family cookout that I attended in which all of those that I mentioned before in another post had major issues.  My eldest brother who just turned 70 refused one of my sisters the knowledge of his upcoming fatal diagnosis that he only has 9 months to live due to liver cancer.  A month or so ago after the most horrific tension, past fights, anger and stress from disagreements which caused him to deny our sister the right to be at his wake and funeral when he dies, but I noticed after we were all getting along in one of the pictures that were being taken on Saturday, my brother's arm was around her shoulder and it's such a momentous occasion I had to share it.  I have nothing to do with the problem, but I think the help for our family being united came about from my husband (who passed as I said) together with one of my other sister's son who died last June of 09 and this is nothing short of a miraculous event.  I prayed for their help (my husband and my nephew) in the afterlife after I received a message that they are helping our family unite.  Never thinking this would ever happen this has changed my views about some things.  But it any case I now truly believe that my husband is aware of what goes in in this life with me and all of us ( I didn't before because I felt disconnected from him as we were together for 39 years and then there was nothing,) I still find it hard to talk to him because of the fact I am still deeply depressed and I want him here and now.....I don't want him to be a memory.    Well, the other thing I wanted to ask of anyone who wishes to comment that lately I've been getting a lot from different sources that we have a choice in how we feel.  But I don't believe this, I think Abraham Lincoln was wrong when he said, "We are as happy as we make up our minds to be."  (I don't think he was talking about widows) and I am adamant about how I feel that how can I choose to feel joy if my beloved husband is not here physically, how can I feel happy is beyond me.  I know I will never feel happy again, but others, even widows from my grief meeting which really kind of annoys me (sorry to say) that they love life and they are living again and they believe I will too one day.  This really gets to me because I know in my heart that my life in this world is over and I just wait for God to let me know His will (which I've said hundreds of times) and I just wait for God to call me home.  Does anyone here have any thoughts that we can choose how we feel???  I just don't get it.  But I will do my best to accept differing opinions.  I just know how I feel and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Well, I pray you all have peace and (((hugs))) to everyone here.
God bless,
Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Crystal M on August 23, 2010 at 11:15pm
I am happy to hear that your brother seems to be letting go of the feelings he has towards your sister. I am new here and I have only posted a couple of things, but I want to respond to your post. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, I can't imagine. My Aunt O'della or as I called her, dell dell, passed away from cancer 12 years ago. I did not join the site because of her, but she is still a big part of my life. She is the most wonderful woman I have ever known, and although I do not feel the same pain that I felt for the first few years after her death, I still question why she was taken. I know that some day I will find out, but for now I watch home videos and look at pictures wishing that I still had my dell dell. The reason that I am happy to hear about your brother and sister is that my father has 11 brothers and sisters, and one of my aunts does not get along with one of my uncles. They haven't for years, and we thought that when my aunt passed away that they would realize that life is too short to bicker. We were proved wrong, and they still do not talk. I cannot begin to understand the pain of losing my soulmate, but I do understand the pain of losing someone so precious that if I could I would have taken their place. My niece Issy passed away almost 3 years ago. After the first year I was able to fuction, but that first year was the hardest. My grades in college went down dramatically, I could barely get up to go to work, and I was so depressed that it put a strain on my relationship with my fiance. The only reason that I got through it was because of my daughter and my other niece and my nephew. I became a nervous wreck, and was so scared to lose my daughter that I put her in bed with me every night, and I was overly cautious about everything. My niece died in her sleep from a seizure, so that was why I stressed over my daughter so much. I had to keep it together around my sister, because she just lost her baby, and I felt that the grief I was feeling was wrong because she was my niece, and not my child. I realize now, that I had a right to grieve too. I still feel the pain, although dull, I cry when I think about her for too long, go to her grave, look at pictures, and when I see something that reminds me of her. I still have issues with her death that I haven't taken care of, and I know that I have to in order to be in a better state of health. I believe that we can choose how we make others see us. I don't think that we can choose how we feel to ourselves, but we can put on an act to make others believe that we are happy. There may be moments that we feel joyous, but they go away. Maybe it is possible for some to control how they feel, but I haven't been a truely happy person for a long time. I have good days and bad days. My daughter gives me joy, but when I am not around her, it goes away. I wish that I could say that your pain will go away, but only you know your feelings for your husband. The pain may dull overtime but I don't think that it will completely go away.

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