How do you begin to understand, accept, stop crying,hurting.

My husband died June 13 from small cell cancer, started in his lung and sped through his body.  We had no clue he was so ill until the PET scan results came in, the Dr. called Hospice right away.  He died on month later.  The shock of it all is awesome.  The crying continues, the pain in my stomach feels like a big black hole.  Still ask WHY.HELP

 

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Permalink Reply by Kim Phillips on August 23, 2012 at 8:26pm

Peggy and Michelle I truly understand the depth of your pain.  My soulmate/best friend passed May 13th.  I cried and cried for 2 months almost solid.  I could have filled a bathtub full of tears.  Then I stopped crying for a week and was numb.  Then it started up again and now I am numb again.  I continue to ask WHY. I continue to feel as if this whole thing isn't real.  I am so damn ANGRY!  I screamed at G-D.  I doubted G-D's existance.  I called Jesus a liar b/c in ten different places in the new testament he says "ask and you shall receive"  and we never received the healing.  I am now turning back to G-D to help ease the pain.  When I lost her I lost half of myself.  I don't know who I am any more.  I feel so alone, so lost and so scared.  My friends and family try to help but they don't understand my pain.  They continue to want to rescue me.  I tell them thank you but this is my journey.  My journey through loss, through grieve.  I don't want to hide my feelings or distract myself all the time.  I want to grief, I want to feel the pain, I want to cry so that I can begin to heal.  I don't think the pain will ever go away but I will learn to deal with it differently and begin to appreciate the time we had together --the good times and the bad.  One day I will be able to smile when I think about her and I.  I do keep a journal and write to her every day and nite.  I have filled 2 composition books and getting ready to start a 3rd one.  It appears to help me some.  Don't be suprised if you go back and forth between emotions (sad, mad, numb).  Michelle I too wanted to die.  I wanted to be with her desperately-- without her my life means nothing.   However I made her a promise that I would watch over her son.  I also realized that that is not what she would want.  She would want me to live.  Her motto was "live fully, laugh often and love deeply"  I send hugs and blessings to both of you. 

Permalink Reply by Michelle Ehm on August 24, 2012 at 8:16pm
Thank you very much , i feel so bad for you . I can not deal with this . I am not good with death. I cannot accept it. I need help with this .it's very hard I dont know how you do it. I know what you mean you cry and then you numb. In wish I could help you. Where do you live?did you g to a support group.
Permalink Reply by Kim Phillips on August 24, 2012 at 9:33pm

I live in maryland.  No I didn't go to a support group and I didn't have a lot of support either.  There are many times I don't want to do it.  There are many times I don't want to live but I know I must.  Michelle a support group may be very helpful for you.  Hospice in my area offered a support group and maybe there is one in your area.  You are very kind to want to help me.  Take care and this is a good site to express yourself.  The people on here are wonderful.

Hugs and blessings

 

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