Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on August 27, 2015 at 1:25pm

Hi Debbie, its been a little over 10 months since I lost my wife to cancer after 22 years of married life. She suffered 11 months.

Yes it still feels like yesterday, and you and I have nobody, because the one person that can knit us together is our respective spouses.

I dont want to eat, I force myself to eat, and I have our little Yorkie to look after, and she deserves lots of love and attention, her mum would have loved her to bits.

I cant tell you what to do, but unless its a stupid question, why are you selling your house. ?

Michael

Permalink Reply by Debbie on August 27, 2015 at 1:46pm

I have no money and can't afford to keep it. He never reinstated his life insurance my life is a mess and hasn't gotten any easier.

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on August 27, 2015 at 3:30pm

How have you managed to live since your husband's sad passing, if you havent any money ?

Permalink Reply by Anita Jeffery on August 28, 2015 at 10:01pm

Debbie,

I wondered if you qualify for financial aid from your state.  It sounds like you have not been working?   If your husband didn't leave you anything, you should apply right now for anything that's available.  Many states also will help you with issues of getting a job, etc.  It may feel like something that you are not ready for, but you will make friends and find people to help you along the way.  As time goes by, I think you will find yourself learning how to get on with your life.  As sad as it is, it feels sometimes like you are always part of a couple.  I know this after 34 years with my husband!  But you need to find out your own strengths and look for hope in your own future.  HUGS!

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on August 27, 2015 at 3:41pm

im so sorrry for yore loss

wen my dad died i cudnt eatt mush in 2012 im still get days wear i can not eat coz afr my dad died i had so mush loss sine 2012 

Permalink Reply by Bill Smith on August 27, 2015 at 6:32pm

I'm very sorry for your loss and all your troubles.  I lost my beloved to cancer at just a slightly older age.  Anyway, a few thoughts......

- Maybe you should stop "trying to be brave," which sounds like it means you're holding everything in. That does no one any favors, least of all you.  TALK to someone and unload.  That helped me a lot.  If you can't do it with your boys or other family, maybe a friend.  If not that, consider counseling (I would strongly recommend a grief counselor over a garden variety psychiatrist/psychologist, btw).  

- I respectfully disagree that you have "no one."  You have at the very least your boys, hopefully some other family and/or friends.  I can certainly appreciate how alone you feel regardless, though.   

- Try to keep busy vs wallowing in your grief (easier said than done and I've done my share of wallowing btw!).  Hobbies, social things (even tho you may not be feeling social), volunteer work, whatever, just "try to keep moving" in some way.  

- Finally I'm no real estate agent, but maybe you should consider another one?  What have they done recently try and help move it?  I realize the market is still rough, but if the answer is "nothing" I would be considering a change.

I wish you the very best and better days ahead!  Remember this takes a LONG time to work through and it's gradual.....I was a wreck for at least a year myself.  

Permalink Reply by Anita Jeffery on August 27, 2015 at 10:05pm

Debbie,  I lost my husband of 32 years in Dec. of 2014.  He was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer in January, and lasted almost a year...a long time for someone with late stage metastatic P.C.   I am 10 years older than you, and it has truly been a nightmare.  At first when we found out he was sick I didn't really want to live.  It took about 6 months for me to realize that I had to go on.    Taking care of him was terrible.  Watching the changes, his weight loss, etc.  but I looked after him myself the whole year.  We have a son that is now 30, and I worried about him being affected by my grief.   But since then I have found that he is quite strong.  Your boys and you should talk about what has happened.  It's OK to show them that you truly loved your husband.  Sometimes they need to see the grief and you need to show them how to deal with it.  As far as your house, the other gentleman is correct, I would find a new realtor.  Try to do things for yourself.  Get out and talk to people,  even strangers.  I have found myself telling total strangers my story.  It's amazing how getting it out and telling other people helps.  Today is the 8 month anniversary of my husband's death, and I have cried a lot.  But in spite of that, I feel better.  I know my husband would not want me to be sad all the time.  Think about what your husband would have wanted for you and your sons.  That is the most important thing you can do.  Lastly, you should see a therapist if possible, and get the help you need.  After a year, you should not still be loosing weight, but making a plan to move on in life.   That said, everyone grieves for different lengths of time, and truly I don't believe anyone ever completely gets over the loss of a spouse.  Take care of yourself.

Permalink Reply by Debbie on August 28, 2015 at 10:30am

I just want to say thank you. I do talk to my boys and I still cry everyday. I am mentally and physically drained. He died and I died. I don't want to feel this way. My family lives in a different state and I may have only one friend here, but nobody gets it. I am still trying to figure out things. My husband took care of everything I did nothing but cook clean and raise the kids. All I want is to laugh again and forget about money. But bills are coming in and I am starting to drown. Thank you for letting me vent.

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on August 28, 2015 at 10:58am

Debbie, I dont want to feel as I do either, trouble is I dont know how to feel better ?.  When my wife passed, she took 3/4's of me with her, including my soul and my spirit, we complimented each other through our 22 year marriage.

Michael

Permalink Reply by Debbie on August 28, 2015 at 11:53am

So everyone here understands my feelings. We were married for 23 years and dated two years before that. 25 years is a long time and in 25 years he did it all. I am five years older than my husband and always say why wasn't me. He can handle raising the kids and doing it all I can't. I'm trying but it's very very difficult I know everyone says one day at time. It's just so hard and I'm so weak.

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on August 28, 2015 at 12:56pm

My wife did it all Debbie because she told me it gave her satisfaction, now the shoes on the other foot so to speak and im struggling mentally and emotionally.

People in our grief situation have no moral support anymore, its a psychological nightmare. Try not to think about how you feel, just do what you have to do, this is what I do.  It is hard, because your on your own.

Michael