I have never done this before, so excuse me if I'm doing it wrong. I just feel like I need to get this story out there before I become to much of a coward and back away again. I've done that before.

I used to have a really good friend. She was so close to me, we felt like being sisters and since she was an orphan, I always told her I had adopted her as a sister. My parents just didn't know about it yet. She didn't live in the same country as I did. We talked over email every day though. And we skyped. I had promised to come visit her the moment I had saved enough money but she didn't make it to that point.

Her orphan life had always sucked so much. She wasn't loved by anyone and had to move from state to state, from home to home and from guest family to guest family. She did a couple of stupid things, but she quit a lot of those too. She would tell me she didn't want to have a bad influence on me. That's what big sisters do, she'd say, they take care of their baby sisters.

Too bad she couldn't keep it up. They had told her she had to move again. She was so fed up with it because that home didn't have a computer for the kids to use. That would mean that we wouldn't be able to talk to one another anymore.

She gave up, just like that. She wrote me the biggest goodbye letter ever. She put on our song, took all the pills out of the medical cabinet and swallowed them. According to the newspaper article I found online, they found her the next morning, dead.

I guess what I feel really bad about, is that I can't help but feel like it's my fault. I had seen I received an email from her, but because I was busy I kept it for later. What if I had read it on time? Could I have told her to stop? Could I have said goodbye, comfort her a little? And if I was a real good friend, a true baby sister to her, why didn't I go to her sooner? How hard is it to work your ass of for that money when a person really deserves it? I was too late. The entire time I was too late. Now I'm all alone.

And to be honest, it hurts really bad. Because she Always promised me she would stay here. That we would get through all the shit life threw at us together. Wasn't I good enough?

I just wish I knew what I could have done to save her. I just wish I could pull her out of heaven so we could live together and go there when it is our time.

Are there any of you out there who also struggle with the guilt? I feel like it's drowning me lately.