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Permalink Reply by Nikki on September 13, 2017 at 11:41am

I am so sorry you had to go through that experience :(
I am haunted by the fact that my mother in law had to go through the same. She found her son, who I was separated from at the time, dead in his apartment from a fentynal laced overdose. She called me from the scene and if you can imagine that you would understand how it plays through my head even a year and a half later. I feel so guilty that it was her and not me that found him like that. I had gone there the night before because nobody had heard from him in a few days, and I rang the door bell and knocked but got no answer. So I went home. In the morning when she got there she had called a locksmith to meet her but it wasn't needed. The door was unlocked. When I heard that my heart just shattered. Because I knew that he would never leave the door unlocked when he was using, so someone must have been there and ran away when he od'd. And not called 911.
It's unfsthomable that someone could do that.
And then when we got the coroners report it listed the date of death as the day I had gone there. My knees went out from under me. I felt..well I can't even put into words how I felt. Definitely the biggest "what if" moment of my life. We have 3 kids together. And now they don't have a dad. It took me a year to tell them how he really died. It's definitely not how a family is supposed to end up. But at least we have each other. And his mom has her grandkids to keep his memories alive. And there were good memories. Lots and lots of them. We were together 18 years. Unfortunately, sometimes addiction is stronger than love. It's so sad. That was the hardest thing for us all. That love didn't win in the end. And that he died alone. I don't know if I'll ever get over that guilt, but I know in my heart that I always have to put my kids first and so unfortunately that meant us being apart. He called me on the last day anyone heard from him and told me he was sorry and his last words to me were "I love you" so I have that to hold on to. I only wish I had said it back. Hopefully you find the support you need to get through this aweful thing. I'm here to listen if you need.
Nikki