Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Doug on June 12, 2017 at 8:02pm

Clem, There are no words that could assuage the pain you're going through. If there were I would certainly offer them to you.Your son sounds like he was a terrific guy and had to deal with more than he should have with the addiction as well as a divorce. Both of those are very emotional things to have to go through. I also was a heroin addict, and because of that addiction I wasted twenty years of my life in a state prison and was released in 2006. Time I can never get back. I had been married and just had a young daughter and the day I was sentenced my wife and daughter were in the court room and I can still hear my wife say that everything was going to be okay. Three days after that sentencing I received my divorce papers through the bars of my cell and then I tired to commit suicide, but failed. So I really do understand the emotional toll a divorce can cause and I'm sure your son felt that way also. Although I had some idea of the pain I had caused my parents and loved ones, I never knew just how much, especially to my Mom. During those years in prison I had more than enough time to try and gain some insight into why in the world would I hurt those I loved most? Once I was no longer "numb", the emotions I didn't feel when I was "numb" came roaring back like a freight train and it was the most painful thing I have ever felt.  Regardless of how hard you try you'll never be able to understand the reasons why your son relapsed. You may come close, but it's nearly impossible to understand an addict's brain and thought processes. I can't even understand why I did the things I did. During my time in prison one of the things I wanted to accomplish once I got out was to try and do something that would make not only my Mom, but my Dad also, proud of me. I never got that chance. My first visit to see my Mom after being released, I walked in the door and she had no idea who I was! My Mom died of Alzheimer's in 2008 and now my Dad is in the latter stages of the same disease. Reading your post it was obvious that you were blaming yourself for not doing some of the things you felt you had to do. Calling him that day I seriously doubt would have made a difference. I've learned that before I relapsed(and I did many times) it wasn't just a spur of the moment thing. My decision to use again was already in the works days before I picked up that drug. Not having had the pleasure of meeting your son, I'm sure it was the same way for him also, so calling him that day wouldn't have changed anything. It wasn't until my Mom passed away did I learn just how much I had hurt her because of my addiction. My Dad had told me that she would often cry at night, blaming herself and wondering what she could have done to prevent me from becoming addicted. Maybe you and your wife are feeling that same way? Not letting your wife know just how you're feeling I believe is a mistake. I can only imagine that letting each other know how you feel would have to be beneficial. I would imagine going through all the pain and heartache your going through now would be a lot easier together. Clem I'm not a psychologist all I can do is try and let you know how it was for me and my family and pray that it helps you. Have you ever considered going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting for the parents of an addict? It may help both of you in understanding things a little clearer. I don't know if this is allowed here on this site, but I'm going to give you my phone number and if I can be of anymore help to you or if you just want to talk please call me!! God Bless! (717)953-6804

Permalink Reply by Clem on June 12, 2017 at 9:22pm

Doug

Thank you so much for reading and your thoughtful reply. You clearly have been through many struggles as well. You put some things in a different light for me to consider. I am sorry for your losses and I will think about all you've said. Thanks again and God bless you too.

Permalink Reply by Liz on July 29, 2017 at 6:36am

Clem, I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. I haven't lost a child but I felt compelled to reply to this post. After witnessing the devastation of the parents who lose children to overdose, I would not wish that on anyone. I lost my best friend and really only true friend to an overdose. on may 27th 2017, he was found dead in his bed that morning. We both struggled with drug addiction, and it really is a painful and difficult illness to endure. Now I must endure it alone. No one can replace the type of relationship we had. I couldn't reach him for several days, and regret not going to his house to look for him sooner. I really hope you are feeling at least a little bit better, and I hope that you find peace in your grief journey, or as much peace as can be found. 

I too am a Christian, and I am trying to turn to God in these difficult times. My friend was not a Christian. It makes me feel so sad to think I may not be reunited with him ever. I too have considered going to a medium, or having a séance or, something like that. I just want to know that he is okay, and where he went, and if I will see him again. 

SO sorry for your family's loss. i will be keeping you in my prayers. 

Permalink Reply by Clem on July 30, 2017 at 6:47am

Liz

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I am so sorry to hear about your loss as well. I struggle with the same feelings and regret of not calling our son the day he died but nothing can change that now. We are struggling to move on now. I know grief will never end but we are trying to now live a life in this new world .. a world without our son's presence. I hope you find your way in that new world of yours too. I will keep you in prayer.

Thanks again