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Permalink Reply by Tans on April 12, 2015 at 7:25am

I am going to try to reply, with what I went through.

Happy Birthday to your mom for yesterday.

In October this year it will be 5 years that my best friend had a heart attack and died. When you describe your mom I see mine that way too. It seemed like she just started a new lease of life, being happy and then in a second all that was gone.

What you are feeling is totally normal and I agree anyone who doesn't feel that way doesn't know what a special bond that we had with our moms.

I did the same thing I promised that I would look after her no matter what, no homes, etc . But when I think back now i realised that we had missed all the signs - If only i had taken her to the doctor and not said I would take her on Monday, maybe she would still be here. We both made our choices and decisions and that is what we have to live with - I carried that guilt for a long time that because of me not taking her to the doctor, for not phoning the ambulance quicker, she was taken away so quickly. But after a while in order for you to carry on - to look after those that are left (in my case my dad) - you have your kids . I had to let it go  - Hopefully if something happens to my dad I will be better prepared and learn from our mistakes (or choices). But please know that I still relive that day on a regular basis and think if only. Also wonder that if the ambulance would arrived earlier - what kind of life would she have lived then - would she have been happy ?? There will always be a million questions and scenarios.

Though her presence is missed every day. After about 2 / 3 years - I started to have some really good normal days - I still have my life to live and have an awesome dad that I get to spend time with - So I have learnt to make those times with him very special. But then I have terrible days where all I do is cry and just wanna be with her - things like songs about "missing you" or her favourite song will put me in a spiral. In time you will have good days and bad, though she will always be with you - never forget that. Talk to your kids and anyone else that will listen about her, it will help with the connection to her.

What got me though the different stages of grief was going to see someone - Someone who didn't know her nor me and objectively explained everything. Releasing that pain and talking to her mad me realise that I had to look after my dad - that he too had gone through the trauma. I hope that I have been instrumental in helping him with his pain. 

The anger is one thing that actual scared me - how I got angry with people around me. I had one friend apologize for her behaviour towards me because she only realised what I was going through when her mom was killed - One of those that thought you should get over it within a few months and carry on. People who haven't lost their best friend cannot comprehend the loss. You will need to learn to breathe - I know a cliche but sometimes that's all you need to just take a moment and think about her and some thing that makes you laugh or realise how much she loved you and you loved her.

If you ever wanna talk I am here - I hope that I have not made you more upset or angry. Sending you hugs and tons of strength to get through this hard time in your life. 

I hope that one day I will see her again and we will have tons of fun and spend more time with my best friend.

Permalink Reply by Diane on February 10, 2016 at 4:11pm

I feel the same way Dixie, it will never get better for me also, my mom passed away December 17. 2015 she also was my best friend, she died in the Hospital, I come home and pass her bed everyday, it hurts, I'm unhappy in my heart, I have a big hole in my heart now because I miss her so bad, on top of everything I work for hospice too. I keep asking God to take me and bring my mom back because the pain is so bad. But my friend told me if she knew you were gone it would have killed her, so I do agree with you the pain will never leave. But I do find myself not crying all day long.