Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Joy on September 20, 2017 at 2:57pm

Hi Crystal, first I'd like to say how sorry I am in losing your mom. I lost my mom four months ago and the pain is still very fresh. Second, I could've written practically everything you wrote re: the guilt you feel over your mom's care, what you could of, should of, would've done differently, the resentment towards siblings who did not do a darn thing or offer any moral support, etc. While my name is Joy, I certainly don't have any since my mom died. A part of my soul was ripped out and I'm just existing right now. I think about my mom constantly, she is on my mind morning, noon and night. We lived together my entire life. This is the longest we've ever been separated so to say her passing has been hard is an understatement.

There are still times I don't even want to wake up, get out of bed. I still cry most mornings missing her. I don't think my life will ever be the same.

Permalink Reply by Joy on September 20, 2017 at 2:59pm

Crystal, I also feel like I failed my mom re: her care. I tried my best but I believe I could've done so much more for her and I cannot make things right so as you say there is a lot of regret which kills me as well. I want to beg my mom for forgiveness and can't do that.

Permalink Reply by Crystal K on September 20, 2017 at 5:59pm

Hi Joy, I am on the same boat as you.  I try talking to her everyday, hoping that she hears me and wishing she can talk back.  I didn't know that losing her would feel this painful.  I completely understand what you meant about feeling like your soul was ripped out. I feel like my mom left with a part of my soul that I will never be able to get back.  Just imagining my life the next 10-20 years without her is depressing. Not being able to see me get married or have kids.

Permalink Reply by BLUEBELL on September 20, 2017 at 3:52pm

Crystal,

I am so sorry for your loss. My Mom passed away in Feb of this year. I too was her caregiver for 3 years. I still have the thoughts that I could have prevented my Mom's death, but they do not come as frequently and are not as intense. Please try not to torture yourself with the "if I had just done this or just done that". You were a good and loving daughter who enhanced the quality of your Mom’s life till God took her home to be with him

Bluebell

Permalink Reply by Theresa on September 20, 2017 at 6:29pm

Crystal, yes I do.

My mom went to the hospital on a Saturday morning because her stomach was bothering her, she called me I said ok mom do you want me to take you, she said no the dr said go in the ambulance, I was like ok I guess that will move things along with waiting to see someone, my mom was not sick, she was active and energetic.

I left my house right away and stopped by hers on the way to the hospital, as I was pulling in the hospital lot I got a call from an unknown number the woman on the phone stated she was from the hospital and my mom was in full cardiac arrest did I want them to perform CPR

By the time I got in the hospital it was too late my mom died and I wasn't even there, not only that I thought gosh I should have taken her to the hospital sooner maybe the day before.  I should have done something to stop this.

My brother did not want an autopsy, so I will live the rest of my life not knowing why my mom went in cardiac arrest, her dr says it was her blood pressure, I don't believe that.

And I have a lot of resentment towards certain people, who say  your mom lived a full life she was so independent for her age.

I think about her all times during the day.

I miss her

Permalink Reply by Brett Bowman on September 20, 2017 at 10:42pm

Crystal, the guilt you are feeling is very normal. Grief can be a very mean thing. We who are grieving will find some way to torture ourselves.

My story is very much like yours. I was my mom's caretaker for a lot of years. For the last four years of our life I was by her side all of  the time. By the time she was on Hospice care at our home, you couldn't pry me away from her with a crowbar. I still feel tremendous guilt. My guilt comes from remembering the many ways I let her down before I became her caretaker.

The point that I am trying to make is that it may not matter how we lose them. Regardless of the circumstances, we will find a way to feel guilty about something. I could not have had a better mom. I could go on for days about her, but I would be willing to bet you that if I had passed first, she would have found a way to feel guilty about something.

We just love them so much. We love them so much that when that no emotion is left untouched.

My mom survived cancer but the years of treatment finally took such a horrible toll on her body. She died of COPD. I was by her side. She died with her eyes open, looking at me.

No matter how many times I told her that I loved her, it could never have been enough. No matter how many times I thanked her, hugged her, kissed her, it could never have been enough. The time will always come when we want to say, "I Love You" one more time.

I know you hurt. I feel it. People will do the best they can. They will try to be reassuring. Sometimes it just isn't enough. Brief is a very personal thing and we have to experience it. I am guessing that it does get better with time. I just don't know how much time has to pass. For me it has been a year and nine months. I lost my mom on Christmas Eve, 2015. It still feels like yesterday, but don't let that discourage you at all. Grief will always be different for everyone. Your relationship with your mom was between you and her. No one else can know exactly how you feel.

I am a lot like you. I do say, "I Love You Mom" all of the time. I don't know if she can hear me or not but it sure makes me feel better to say it. I am very much a Christian. I believe my mom is in heaven (your mom, too). I just have no way of knowing what exactly that means. I don't know if they can hear us or not, so I often ask God to tell her for me. I pray that he will but I don't know. All I know for sure is that I can't hug my mom again, watch TV with her, have Sunday dinner, etc.

I sure know how much my mom loves me though. Never forget how much your mom loves you. You were her caretaker. You were blessed with the opportunity to pay a lot of love back for all that she has done for you. Our mom's leaned on us. They needed us. That is a beautiful thing when you think about it. For the great majority of our lives it was the other way around.

We are all here because we love and miss our moms so much. You are not alone, buddy. We are walking along side of you.

God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by Luisa Salter on September 23, 2017 at 11:03pm

Crystal I am so sorry. I lost my Mom on August 30th, and I understand this sense of coldness and feeling like a zombie. When people ask me how I am feeling, I tell them that I go back and forth between numb and devastated. It seems like I will cry my heart out until I'm so dehydrated that my head hurts and I'm exhausted, and then I will feel numb because I am too exhausted to cry. 

I also understand feeling guilty about the things we felt we should have done or wish we hadn't. It is so very stressful and painful to watch our loved one decline and we function the best we can as we go through it. My Mom died of end stage lung disease and she essentially starved to death, because she couldn't eat enough calories to maintain her weight. It was heartbreaking. I became obsessed with how much she was eating and I searched desperately for things that she would eat. And I'm almost ashamed to admit that I stayed away from her at times over the past year because I could not bear to see her wasting away. I was angry and frustrated with her at times. I could not always keep up with everything she wanted me to do. Now I think all sorts of thoughts and have guilt about things that I did or did not do. I wish that we had discussed tube feedings a few years ago, maybe she could have grown stronger, lived longer. I wish that I had been more involved with her health care. More than anything I wish that I had spent more time with her when she was well.

Crystal I do want to tell you that the time that we spent with our mothers at the end of their lives was the greatest gift we could have given to them and it was also a gift to ourselves. You can hold that gift in your heart for the rest of your life, as your siblings have to grapple with the guilt and regret of not being there. Imagine how you would feel right now had you not been there at all. You were there, and you were a good daughter to her. Its painful, unbearable that we loved our Moms so much and we could not fix them or save them. God took them to Heaven as He takes us all. I know that it doesn't feel like it right now, but I believe that you will come to peace with the fact that your Mom left in God's time, and there was nothing more to be done. The great sadness and loss that you feel is a testament to the great love that you have for her, and will always have. Anything that you felt you did wrong with your mother was forgiven because mothers like ours love us no matter what. 

Permalink Reply by Marine Marietta on October 19, 2017 at 5:39am

Hi everyone. Thank you all for your sharing,I dont feel alone because I identify with you all. I am deeply greatful.
My dear mother passed 20th September. I was angry with my sister because of how she treated my mother. I begged my mother to live with me. I was there when my Mum passed away in the hospital. We hugged and I told her to fly away, we will be OK. My heart aches for her, which I wanted to join her in heaven. My heart could no longer bear the thought of her pain while she reached out for help and my sister neglected her. The anger and resentment that I carry. I needed serious help so I reached out to friends, cousellor, crises treatment team, lawyer, elderly abuse team. OMG. And here I am.
I promised my Mum that I will be ok, I need to do exactly that. Get on with life while I grieve and cry safely.
One day at a time. Blessings Mum, I love you.

Permalink Reply by Crystal K on October 23, 2017 at 2:02pm

How is everyone doing? Almost four months now without my mom.. I feel like the pain I feel is ever-changing. The grief is no longer a sharp stab in my heart but a subdued feeling that follows me everywhere.  I have short moments of happiness and then the thought pops into my head, "Oh! Don't forget your Mom is dead," and the grief overshadows me instantly. 

I have let go some of the guilt I have felt about my mother's death but there's still this gnawing feeling in the back of mind that whispers "You failed."

I have become bitter and resentful that my mom never got to live a full and happy life.  Of course, none of our loved ones did, that is why we are here.  But of course, we will always think to ourselves, why us. Why did my Mom deserve this? 

Ofcourse the answer is, she didn't. No one does. Shit just happens sometimes.  There is no reason behind it. Just dumb old luck.  And that is the part that kills me.. That one small decision could have prevented her death. The doctors neglected her.   Her family neglected her.   And she paid the price.