Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on March 19, 2014 at 3:00pm

Dear David,

My names is Brenda and I am 63. Something that you will learn is that each person handles grief differently and in THEIR own time. Think of it as a finger print - grief is as individual as a fingerprint. The way your father handles your mother passing away is it visit her grave. It makes him feel closer to her but may be painful for you.

Not getting enough sleep and being sick doesn't make things any easier. For sure, though, talking to someone that cares and will listen is one of the best things you can do to help yourself. Talking can be a helpful release. Following the death of all ten of his children, as well as some other personal tragedies, the ancient patriarch Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to [Hebrew, “loose”] my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Job could no longer restrain his concern. He needed to let it loose; he had to “speak.” Similarly, the English dramatist Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

So talking about your feelings to “a true companion” who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) Putting experiences and feelings into words often makes it easier to understand them and to deal with them. And if the listener is another bereaved person who has effectively dealt with his or her own loss, you may be able to glean some practical suggestions on how you can cope. When her child died, one mother explained why it helped to talk to another woman who had faced a similar loss: “To know that somebody else had gone through the same thing, had come out whole from it, and that she was still surviving and finding some sort of order in her life again was very strengthening to me.”

What if you are not comfortable talking about your feelings? Following the death of Saul and Jonathan, David composed a highly emotional dirge in which he poured out his grief. This mournful composition eventually became part of the written record of the Bible book of Second Samuel. (2 Samuel 1:17-27; 2 Chronicles 35:25) Similarly, some find it easier to express themselves in writing. One widow reported that she would write down her feelings and then days later read over what she had written. She found this a helpful release.

Whether by talking or writing, communicating your feelings can help you to release your grief. It can also help to clear up misunderstandings. A bereaved mother explains: “My husband and I heard of other couples that got divorced after losing a child, and we didn’t want that to happen to us. So any time we felt angry, wanting to blame each other, we would talk it out. I think we really grew closer together by doing that.” Thus, letting your feelings be known can help you to understand that even though you may be sharing the same loss, others may grieve differently—at their own pace and in their own way.

Something else that can facilitate the release of grief is crying. There is “a time to weep,” says the Bible. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4) Surely the death of someone we love brings on such a time. Shedding tears of grief appears to be a necessary part of the healing process.

One young woman explains how a close friend helped her to cope when her mother died. She recalls: “My friend was always there for me. She cried with me. She talked with me. I could just be so open with my emotions, and that was important to me. I didn’t have to be embarrassed about crying.” (See Romans 12:15.) Nor should you feel ashamed of your tears. As we have seen, the Bible is filled with examples of men and women of faith—including Jesus Christ—who openly shed tears of grief without any apparent embarrassment.—Genesis 50:3; 2 Samuel 1:11, 12; John 11:33, 35.

You may find that for a time your emotions will be somewhat unpredictable. Tears may flow without much advance warning. One widow found that supermarket shopping (something she had often done with her husband) could reduce her to tears, especially when, out of habit, she reached for items that had been her husband’s favorites. Be patient with yourself. And do not feel that you have to hold back the tears. Remember, they are a natural and necessary part of grieving.

Rest assured I will listen anytime with sympathetic ear.

Brenda

Permalink Reply by David Mc Mahon on March 21, 2014 at 3:45pm

Hi Brenda,

Thank you for your kind message and reply there. Your words were comforting the other night. You appear to be quite religious aswell and I think spirituality is very important for times like these.

How are you keeping?

David

Permalink Reply by Tracey L on May 10, 2014 at 12:40am

David, I can understand where you are coming from.  I lost my mother in December 2013 and it has been a tough road to go.  I first dealt with my grief by keeping myself as busy as I possibly could so I felt into bed at night exhausted and not able to really address my feelings.

After about 6 weeks of this I had what I call a melt down.  I was so busy keeping it all inside and not addressing my own feelings and grief that I was making myself sick physically but also emotionally.  At that point I realized I needed help and I joined a local grief recovery support group.  

That was by far the best thing I could have done for myself. I still have my moments of feeling lost and tears will flow for no obvious reason, but at least I have gotten to the point that I will not hide the tears and will admit when I am sad.  Hiding my feelings was a horrible thing.  The group I joined helped me to realize that I was not alone in my feelings.  Those who have lost their spouses, children, siblings and parents all have the same feelings running through their mind.  

I do not know if you have thought about finding a local support group, but I really do encourage it.  My group is now like a part of my family.  We all have cried on each others shoulders, passed the tissue box and laughed together.  Although we all are from different walks of life, we are bound by our loss.  

Permalink Reply by Marcia Boozer on June 11, 2014 at 12:24pm

David

My husband lost his Mom 8 years ago and even though his has three other siblings, each one had their own unique relationship with the Mom and the Dad. I know that when his mom passed away so quickly from lung cancer (not a smoker) it was shocking and extremely a quick diagnose and death. The day she passed away his father ordered all of the kids at the hospital to view the body, even if they did not want to.. I think it was more for HIM than them. My husband hated it!! He also pressured my husband (who was extremely close to his Mom) to view the body at the funeral home. My husband broke down and called me crying. (a grown man with wife and kids). Needless to say the relationship is much better than before but he just really took a stand and grieved at his own pace.

As far as with your Dad, he also may be going through his emotions in a "different" way. I think sometimes people have a tendency to push their feelings of guilt, or grief on others. It seems like he is angry and may not or can not express himself. Is there anyone that knows you and your dad that could be the mediator? I think both of you seem so far apart but are actually closer (in thought and feelings) than you realize. You need time and maybe space. The death is still new and fresh so sometimes its hard to see things clear. My thoughts are with you.